Equinox

Chapter Twenty One

Tue, 20 Feb 2007 03:57:15 GMT

It wasn't the blow up that I had expected once we were both inside the car, away from prying eyes. Nathan didn't even speak to me, but neither of us had to say that we were leaving. The cake hadn't been cut yet and Lily hadn't even opened my present: a beautiful beaded purse. But we were going home and there was no question about it.

I glanced out my window to see if Aaron was watching. I felt the heavy weight of his gaze long before I saw him leaning against the stair railing, his hands shoved into his pockets, his silver eyes fierce and flashing like mirrors. He was staring straight at me. I gasped and looked down at my lap, and when I got up the nerve to look again he wasn't there anymore. I only saw the back of Lily's streamer-laden blond hair, Adam Finn's hand tangled in it.

I wanted to pound on the window and tell her to get help, save me somehow. No one knew the danger I was in, the panic I was feeling being alone with Nathan. No one besides Aaron had even seen me leave with him.

"You've been drinking. Maybe I should drive," I whispered quietly.

Nathan gave no sign whatsoever that he had heard me. I watched as he jammed the key into the ignition. I jumped. Out of the silence, something seemed as though it had snapped. He started the car and in less than a second we were peeling out of the parking lot.

The car fish-tailed frantically for a moment, then straightened itself out as we flew from the cloud of dust and smoke we had created. I saw faces at the party turn to look, but before I could register who they were we had sped so far away from Adam Finn's apartment complex that the crowd was just a tiny white dot in the distance, swallowed up in the sea of summer green trees. I wanted to cry out for someone to help. But before I could think about saying the words, we were gone.

I didn't know how fast we were going. I could hear the car groaning and clanking like something alive. It felt like at any moment we would take off into the thick whiteness of the sky above us. The street signs blurred like paints. I squeezed my eyes shut as we sped across an intersection without even bothering to slow down at the stop sign. Car horns blaring, tires squealing like scared rabbits.

"Nathan I should really drive," I gasped, "Don't get us both killed just because you’re mad at me!"

At these words we cut across a corner so sharply the car went up on two shaky wheels for a moment. Luckily the dark country road we had turned onto was deserted. I had never seen it before and had no idea where we were. This realization terrified me in a way I couldn't explain.

Nathan grabbed a fistful of my hair and yanked me toward him. The car swerved sharply; he had let go of the wheel. I gasped at the pain in my head, but it was nothing compared to the panic I was feeling. My only thought was to grab the wheel before we went off the road.

Nathan forced my head up to look into his dark eyes. I could see nothing of the person I loved there. Blue was so gone it was like it had never existed. My throat swelled painfully as I searched his face for any sign of familiarity.

Still keeping eye contact, I reached over as far as my arm could go, trying to grab the wheel to straighten the car out. I could see the pale murky line above the next hill that meant only one thing: headlights. Headlights of someone who had no idea that we were driving in their lane.

Nathan shoved my hand away when he saw what I was doing. He was still gripping my hair, but he swerved the car back over to the right side of the road just as a huge truck sped past, the noise of its horn blaring and then dissolving behind us. I groaned softly and kept my eyes shut.

"Say it again, Raina," he hissed, tightening his grip on my hair.

I whimpered and tugged at his fingers as his knuckles dug into my scalp. I could hear the car speeding up even more, the metal screaming, the smell of burning rubber wrapping around my head like a fog. I just kept praying. . . please let there be a cop, please. . . please. I would worry about everything later. Something had to stop him.

"Nathan, let me go! You're acting crazy!"

He slammed my head against the car window. The pain cracked like a shot, burning and tingling like beer in my nose.

"Tell me again! Do it!" he yelled, pounding my head against the window once more, so hard I was afraid it would break.

Something felt wet. I thought I was bleeding, but when I put my hand up to the side of my face I realized that it was just the coolness of the glass on my skin. When he let go of my hair I rested against it for a long time, trying to hold myself together. But I was sobbing.

"That's what I thought," he said softly.

I put my hand over my mouth as I cried silently, hiccuping and choking behind my fingers. The sky above me streaked past, the clouds like headlights blurring. Night oozing together with day. Autumn and summer.

I didn't open my eyes again until I felt the car screech to a messy stop in front of the apartment complex. It had taken us a much longer time to get home than usual.

Even though it was only five o'clock, it was getting dark already because of a storm building in the south. It hung like a dirty sheet flapping on a clothesline, the lightening rippling through it.

It seemed like so long ago we had been at the party, another lifetime. Had Aaron really held me on the couch? I remembered his smile from out of the watery haze of my thoughts, the words he had spoken to me about towers and longing. All the tears I had cried that night seemed trivial compared to the hole inside of me when I thought about him.

"Will you forget about me?" he asked.

It was a lawyer question. I had heard somewhere that lawyers never ask questions they don't know the answers to.

"What do you mean?"

"Like, will you forget that I exist if I never come back?" Aaron said.

It was the blue part of the evening. A mosquito has landed on my arm, and I was letting it bite me. The itch was always worse if you brushed it away before it was finished. Stars, the brightest ones, were emerging out of the sunset like beads of sweat.

"Why wouldn't you come back?"

"Get out!" Nathan yelled, wrenching my door open. The sound made me jump, and the image of Aaron shattered inside my head.

I looked up at him. I could smell rain.

"Please, Nathan. . . please. . ."

"I said GET OUT!"

I had never heard his voice sound so angry. He yanked my arm violently toward him. Not expecting the sudden movement I fell forward into the open door, my knees bloodying on the concrete below. But I managed to pull myself to my feet before he could do it again.

My fear quieted as soon as I felt the cool wind on my face, as soon as I heard the sound of porch chimes and the gentle creak of the thunder overhead. And for a moment, just a moment, I thought I was going to be all right. But the few seconds relief I'd felt at getting out of the car vanished as we walked up the dark stairs to our apartment.

I couldn't help hoping that he had vented all of his rage on the drive home, but something told me that this night was far from over. Nathan slammed the keys down onto the counter and stood with his back to me. He was shaking with anger. I wanted to touch him, but I was afraid he would electrocute me. It was like that night. . . the first time I saw him. How untouchable he was, how terrifying.

"Shut the door," he whispered harshly.

I nodded, closing the door behind me and locking it. I thought it would be best to do as I was told.

Nathan turned around. He was glaring at me, breathing hard, his hands balled into fists. He had the look of someone who has just fought to crawl out of the ocean.

"I- I'm sorry," I choked out desperately. The words felt like they were coming from someone else. "But it wasn't what it looked like. There was nothing between us. It was just-"

Nathan stared at me, disgusted. In less than a second he had lunged toward me, his fist slamming into my eye. It was the first time he had ever hit me with a fist. I fell back against the door and crumpled to the ground, sure that every bone in my face was shattered.

"Get up!" Nathan screamed, "Get up, Raina! NOW!"

My vision was blurry. The floor rocked from side to side and my face throbbed with the pain, but all of my thoughts were centered on getting up, doing anything he said to lessen the severity of his rage. As quickly as I could manage I put my palms flat against the floor and forced myself to sit on my knees. He took hold of my arm and dragged me up the rest of the way. The skin under my shoulder burned where he was holding me too tight. I gasped out loud at the pain.

"Look at me!" he yelled, shaking me hard.

I forced my eyes up, willing the tears to stay in their places. Nathan's eyes were so black I could see my reflection in them- terrified, begging, bleeding. Having to keep eye contact at that moment was more painful than anything he had ever done to me.

"You slept with him didn't you! Lying whore!"

"Nathan no!" I gasped.

He shoved me forward into the countertop. Several glasses that had been waiting to be washed fell and shattered against the floor like awkward, oversized raindrops. I put my hands up to protect my face as he came at me again. But he didn't hit me like I had expected. He pulled my arms down roughly and looked into my eyes, once again forcing me to keep eye contact with Black. The smell of alcohol radiating off of him was so strong I wondered how much he had actually had to drink that night. I hadn't bothered to count the beers he'd consumed with Travis.

"It's not even my baby is it! You were lying to me this whole time!" he screamed.

"No! He's just my friend. There's never been anything between us. How did you even come to that conclusion?"

"Oh so now it's my fault?" he sneered.

I shook my head, realizing my blunder.

"So you admit it then?"

"No," I said quickly.

"You just said I wasn't wrong for thinking it!"

I couldn't figure out exactly how he was trapping me, but I sensed I was digging myself into a deeper hole with every word I said.

"No! I didn't say that! I just don't. . . I don't know-"

"Spit it out, Raina," Nathan said harshly.

I didn't know what to say, afraid he would twist my words again. So I said the only thing I could think of, the truth. "Aaron is just my friend."

I swallowed blood from my lower lip. A part of me had been so convinced that everything would be fine after I told him this. For a moment I had relaxed, expecting to see Blue filtering back in through the shadows. I could almost feel his strong arms around me again, telling me how sorry he was, his heart beating like rain under my ear. But it didn't happen like that.

"You're lying! Don't lie to me!"

He shook me hard, my body like a rag doll’s. Nathan's grip tightened around my arms until they were numb.

"Nathan," I whispered helplessly, trying to keep from crying now. "Stop. You are acting. . . like your father."

I had been hoping the statement would calm him down and make him think rationally about what he was doing to me, but instead his eyes flashed again. He let go of me. The look on his face was horrifying.

I put my arms over my head again, but he didn't try to hit me. I saw what happened next through a gap between my elbows. From off the stand where we kept our keys he seized the snowglobe my mother had bought for me before I was born, the one with the butterflies that played "I Only Have Eyes For You". I knew what he was going to do a second before he smashed it, but like it always happens in a dream, I just couldn't get there in time to stop him.

I only saw a flash of pale color before he threw it against the wall next to my head, where it burst into a thousand bright pieces. Glittery water dripped down the wall like an exploded star.

"NO!" I screamed.

It felt as though my insides had been ripped out of me, like I was burning alive. The pain was physical.

I wasn't breathing or thinking as I put my hand against the wet place on the wall, letting myself slide down it into the puddle of broken glass on the floor, trying to go back. I sobbed, raking up the pieces with my shaking hands. My bare knees scraped against the glass. The empty wooden base rolled around my legs, butterflies still clinging to the cracked porcelain flower. Finally, realizing it was hopeless, I put my head against the floor and sobbed like I had never sobbed. It was the sort of crying that takes a piece of you with it after it's done, leaves you a little less complicated, a little older than you are.

"I told you. . ." Nathan sobbed, on the floor now too. "I told you never to mention him! He's not real! He doesn't exist! I told you never to talk about him! I told you. . ."

He could destroy everything I had and yet I couldn't say one thing, one truth. The injustice of it spiraled up inside of me like a flame. What about me? What about what I was feeling? Why did he overlook all of my pain and still expect me to cater to his?

A sort of reckless energy and rage came over me. I needed to get out of there. . . escape. I needed to stop crying, get up off the floor and save myself. Quickly, I scraped my hands along the carpet, gathering up the glass and pieces of porcelain. I managed to pull myself up, having picked up all the wet bits of the snowglobe that I could. I shoved the butterflies and their various pieces into my pockets and walked quickly to the door, my legs shivering with resolution.

"Where are you going?" Nathan gasped, also pulling himself out of the pile of broken glass.

"I'm leaving!"

I screamed the words. It was like I had ripped the chains off of some forgotten thought. Annabelle Rose. Melissa's apartment. Safety. Maybe she could help me glue it back together, at least the butterflies and the wooden base. . . something. And from there I would plan my next move.

"You can't leave me. . ." Nathan choked, falling to his knees at my feet like he was praying to me. "I can't live without you, Rainy!"

He grabbed one of the largest pieces of glass from off the kitchen floor and put it to his arm, stabbing it into his skin before I could stop him. I saw dark blood, like ink, bubble to the surface of the wound.

"Nathan no!" I screamed.

I fell and wrenched the glass out of Nathan's hands, but not until he had succeeded in making three deep gashes. Blood poured out of the wounds. He stared at them, transfixed at what he had done, his eyes foggy and dark and strangely peaceful.

"Oh Nathan. . . oh Nathan," I whispered hoarsely, the blood trickling over both of us. I put my own cut palms against the gashes, trying to slow the bleeding. His blood coalescing with mine, hot and electric.

"I'll do it Raina. . . Let me do it! I can't live without you! Let me die!"

I held him close, trying to keep him from hurting himself even more. Nathan reached behind my back for the glass I had thrown there as I squeezed my eyes shut and whimpered helplessly.

"Help me," I whispered, my mouth burning as I rocked him back and forth. I didn't know who I was talking to. "Help me, please."

"I want to die!" Nathan whimpered, pushing against me, trying to pull my arms off of him. "Let me. . . let me."

"Stop it!" I sobbed, holding his head against my chest. "Just calm down!"

He was acting like that night, the night he raped me. Like he couldn't feel me or hear me at all. I couldn't take it. I had to bring him back. . . the one I loved. I had to save us both before we drowned.

My mind was racing. I needed to call somebody. The police, the hospital, someone who could help him before he killed us both. I started to get up but he wouldn't let me. Now it was his turn to hold onto me. Nathan's hands clamped around my back, forcing the breath out of me, trying to keep me as close to him as he could. I tried to move away from him, I tried to grab the door. It seemed to be many minutes before I finally managed to kick myself free and get to my feet.

The door was a million miles away, the distance stretching out like a tunnel. I ran for it with all my might but never made it. Nathan grabbed me by the hair and pulled me back, his arm around my neck as I reached and strained for the doorknob. He was choking me. I was fighting so hard to get free that I only became aware of it when things started to darken around me. Just before I collapsed he turned me around and shoved me against the kitchen counter. I fell to my knees, gasping for air.

I tried to raise my hands to tell him that I was through, beaten, surrendering. But still, just to show me he had won, he kicked me one last time right in the stomach, and I doubled up in pain.

The kitchen ceiling was wax and melting and moving. I rolled over onto my side and clutched the rough dirty carpet, trying to breathe as I dug my fingers into it.

When he saw how badly he had hurt me he fell to his knees and gathered me up against his chest like a small child. "Rainy!" Nathan cried.

The blood still poured from the cuts on his arm. The same blood that was inside of me now. I saw it and felt a stab of desperate, frantic love well up inside me.

"I love you, sweetie. I love you!"

I was trying to breathe. My throat felt twisted like a tree branch. I clung to him, knuckles white as I fought to bring air into my lungs.

"Shh," he said, stroking my hair.

It was three whole minutes before I could breathe normally again. Nathan picked me up and carried me into our dark bedroom. He took off my shoes and wiped my face with a warm wet rag. I waved him away, trying to turn over. I couldn't tell him to stop. My throat felt mangled and swollen.

"No," I choked hoarsely, "No."

But he wouldn't leave me alone. He climbed in beside me and held me close enough for me to smell his skin. He covered my wounds with kisses. He drank the tears from my cheeks. The rain came, I slept.

-

"Why would I come back?" Aaron shrugged.

My face flushed hot and red. I picked at the grass in front of me. We were sitting Indian style on the top of a hill waiting for the bloody heart of Scorpius to rise. The city of Ashton was behind us, smoky and bright and loud. And in front of us was the sky, drenched with stars.

"I don't know. Nevermind."

Aaron looked at me. He pushed his glasses up at the bride of his nose. I wished we could talk about something simple: Antares, the Milky Way, Andromeda.

"Raina," he said, clearing his throat.

"What?"

He opened his mouth, ready to speak. And then he laughed.

"There's a mosquito biting you."

Nathan's warm arm over my stomach and his breath on the back of my neck. My eye was so swollen I could barely see out of it, but when I woke up I recognized our bedroom. The storm had finally hit, soft warm rain showering the windowglass above my head. It was quiet and sleepy sounding.

Something was. . . wrong. I hurt in deep places. It was a pain that felt like my period, something warm and wet between my legs.

Aching, I pulled myself to my feet and stumbled to the bathroom. My face felt sticky. Cosmos wound herself around my feet in the hallway, mewing up at me. She was up so late at night. The thunder scared her. I gently kicked her away and closed the bathroom door behind me.

The blood was bright and strange in the light, a color like the beam of a flashlight in your eyes. And when I saw it I knew she was gone.

My heart beat faster, my mouth went dry. I ran to Nathan in our bedroom and shook him hard. He mumbled something in his sleep and turned away from me.

"I'm bleeding!" I yelled, my throat raw as the words turned solid in my mouth.

I shook him again and again and again. And I yelled it again and again and again.

"You're asleep," he murmured, brushing my hand away.

"Nathan, I'm bleeding!"

I was crying now. I didn't know why I couldn't leave.

"Would you quit," he mumbled, rolling onto his stomach. "Get a Band-Aid huh?"

"I'm bleeding!"

And then it hit him, finally. Nathan laid there staring at the wall, blinking as he took it in. He sat up and pointed at me.

"What do you mean you're bleeding?"

"I'm bleeding!" I sobbed, "Help me! I'm bleeding!"

He didn't ask me anymore questions. He stood and threw on his jeans and pulled me into the kitchen. The storm seemed louder in here, the wind whipping the trees outside into a frothy green foam. Nathan wrapped his jacket around me like a blanket and held me against his chest. He picked up the car keys.

"It's okay," he murmured, "It'll be okay, sweetheart. Shh. . ."

I was scared, so scared, my legs shook, my teeth chattered. I stayed by his side so at least I wasn't alone. Just before we left I saw the clock in the kitchen. It was 2:38 a.m. and the first real day of autumn.

Chapter Twenty

Tue, 20 Feb 2007 03:48:05 GMT

"Toothpaste?" I said, speedily running my thumb down our grocery list, which was smudged and dirty from hanging on the refrigerator all week.

"Check," Nathan replied, grabbing some Colgate and tossing it into the basket.

It was a Saturday afternoon, the day of Lily's nineteenth birthday party. Since it was hot enough outside to go swimming we had agreed to have it at Adam Finn's pool at three o'clock. But it was already two-thirty and Nathan and I were still stuck shopping at Wal-Mart.

"We've just got trash bags and cat litter left."

"Awesome," he said, picking up his pace and expertly weaving through the crowd of shoppers.

I tucked the list into my back pocket and linked my arm through Nathan's as he pushed the basket. He was going so fast I had to jog every few steps to keep up with him.

"Should we get anything for the party?" I asked.

"Like what?"

"Chips or something. I dunno."

"Nah. It'll be fine."

We were passing the baby section. There was a sale on bottles and pacifiers- $2.99. I craned my neck to see the little Halloween costumes and decided to give it one more try.

"Can we look?" I asked tentatively.

Nathan shook his head. "Sorry Rainy, we don't have time. We're supposed to be there in thirty minutes, and since we have frozen stuff we gotta get this food straight home before that."

But I had already spotted the most precious pair of pink shoes I had ever seen. I hurried into the carpeted baby area, leaving Nathan outside in the aisle with our basket, rolling his eyes.

Seeing Leah's baby had rekindled the desire to see my own, and ever since church on Wednesday I had been thinking of nothing except Annabelle Rose. I had even been dreaming about her, always the same thing: a little girl with Nathan's eyes playing with me on a swing set. For the first time I was excited about my pregnancy, ready for it. I had picked out the bedtime stories I would tell her, I knew the lessons and the morals I would teach her, I already adored her Crayon drawings and her Play-Doh sculptures.

The shoes were smaller than leaves and covered with soft brightly colored flowers. I gently picked them up off the shelf and ran my finger over them. When I turned around Nathan was right there. He had left the basket next to a rack full of little dresses.

"Oh Nathan. . . can we? They're only six dollars," I said.

He rolled his eyes, yanked them out of my hand and shoved them back on the shelf. "We don't have six extra dollars to spend on a kid who doesn't even exist yet."

I felt the words knock the breath out of me. He was in a bad mood and I could already tell that I was going to spend the rest of the afternoon walking on eggshells.

The lines at the registers were long, at least a ten minute wait. I started to help Nathan load our groceries onto the belt, but by the time it was finally our turn we only had fifteen minutes left to get to Adam Finn's. Nathan was mad and in a hurry, and when he pulled out the bread he sighed in a way that told me I had done something wrong yet again. I looked up and saw that the loaf was squished like a deflated basketball.

"Real smart Raina, just put the bread on the bottom of the basket. Are you asleep today or are you just stupid?" he said harshly.

Several people in line looked over at us, and I felt my face flush pink in embarrassment.

"Hey!" he yelled, grabbing my arm. "Answer me!"

"I- I'm sorry," I stammered, "I know I didn't put it down there on purpose, it must have fallen."

Nathan rolled his eyes. "Yeah right. Just go get another one and try not to mess it up this time okay?"

He shoved the smashed loaf against my chest, the force knocking me backwards into a shelf full of Chapstick. I felt my eyes sting with tears as I turned to leave, but then something stopped me dead in my tracks: voices of the two women who had been behind us.

"Did you just see that? They do it to themselves. All this talk about being a victim is crap. It's weakness, letting a man treat you like that. And if society was any smarter we'd stop encouraging them with all this charity."

The large woman next to her nodded, her shiny pink nose buried in a People magazine. "I agree. It's pathetic. The women are more to blame than the men are."

I didn't breathe until I was out of the line and back in the crowds, letting the sound of squeaky baskets drown out the pounding of my heart. I ran all the way to the bread aisle on the other side of the store, lungs stinging. By the time the tears came I was alone in front of a display of Wonder. Angrily slapping them off my cheeks I grabbed a new loaf and shoved the smashed one in towards the back of the shelf, then I ran to the registers as fast as I could, letting the wind dry my eyes.

Nathan was pulling out his wallet, and I tossed the new loaf of bread onto the belt just in time. He turned and smiled and wrapped one warm arm around me, telling me without words that it was all okay now.

"Niamh," he whispered against my hair, so that only I could hear it.

-

Heat waves hovered like crows over every metal surface, circling, pecking, waiting, eyes darting back and forth like ping-pong balls. I sat in the hot car with sweat running down my neck while Nathan walked the basket over to the cart corral. I was trying my hardest to calm down before he came back, but my face was burning and my chest still hurt. I kept hearing those women's harsh words, over and over and over again inside my head. A cold black fear twisted up inside of me when I thought about what they had said.

As Nathan slid into the driver's seat a few minutes later he kissed me on the cheek and dropped something into my lap. It was a small Wal-Mart bag.

"What is this?" I asked.

"Something for you."

I hurriedly dug inside and pulled out the pink baby shoes I had been looking at. I felt like crying as I cupped them in my palm like Christmas ornaments. Only I knew what it had meant for him to go back and get them and spend six dollars that we didn't have. It meant that for the first time, he was acknowledging the baby.

"Nathan. . . thank you."

"I'm sorry, sweetie. I'm stressed out today. I didn't mean to embarrass you like that."

"It's all right," I said, pressing my finger into one of the shoes. It was smooth and mossy-soft inside. "The baby will like them right?

"Sure. And if it's a boy we'll wrap his feet in plastic bags. It'll all work out," Nathan grinned.

I chuckled and tucked them into my purse. "Let's get home."

-

Nathan's hand was on mine, warm and sticky, making me sweat. I was bored and dazed in the last heat of summer, watching everyone swim in the pool. I hadn't been able to wear a bathing suit because of my bruises, and Nathan hadn't felt like getting wet anyway so we sat in two plastic patio chairs side by side underneath a big umbrella that flapped like a flag in the wind. I sipped a Coke, he sipped a beer.

It was the afternoon before the first day of autumn. The Autumn Equinox. Calendars marked the day at the end of September in tiny print if you chose to look for it, but I knew better. Aaron had explained it all to me when we were thirteen. The equinox was special, the equinox was something to remember, the equinox was rare. It was one of two days in every year that there are twelve equal hours of day and night, a perfect balance.

Nathan's heart fluttered against my neck as I rested my head on his chest. Our two pulses.

"Sweetie?" he asked.

"Yeah?"

"You okay?"

I nodded, wrapping my arms around him reassuringly. I kissed the pulse on his neck, letting it flutter against my lips for a few moments.

I wasn't okay. I was scared to see Aaron. I was scared to see Aaron with Nathan beside me. He hadn't shown up yet, but I knew he would and each minute that passed was agony for me.

"You want anything? Water?" Nathan asked me, running a hand through my sweaty hair. He smelled like summer and alcohol, a green smell.

I grinned and playfully looked up at him. "I could use a beer."

Nathan narrowed his eyes at me.

"Just kidding!" I laughed. "I'm okay. Just feeling a little sick."

He put his hand on my stomach. His hands often found their way to my stomach in those days, quiet amazement in his eyes at the thought of his baby sleeping there; he tried to touch her. I knew a part of him couldn't believe it was all real. But me. . . I had become almost used to the fact that she was there, loving the idea of never being alone again.

The party consisted of a small group of people: Nathan and I, the band and a couple friends of Lily who had brought friends of their own, huddling in protective clusters with drinks in their hands. I knew most of them only by sight. They were the ones who gave me sideways glances as I rushed past them in the hallways, hurrying to Aaron as he stood waiting in the sun. We were all spread out uncomfortably by the pool, trying to mingle and avoid each other at the same time, slapping at summer's last mosquitoes. I hadn't seen Aaron yet. I wondered if he was there.

As if reading my mind, Lily ran up to me at that moment. There were colorful scraps of birthday streamers in her hair, thanks to Adam Finn, who had ambushed her with silly string and decorations as she stepped out of her car. She touched her head and quickly pulled one off, seeing the strange looks on our faces.

"Raina, Aaron Norland is here," she said breathlessly. "He wants to talk to you. He brought somebody."

I saw Lily frown as she continued to pull at the streamers, and I raised my eyebrows questioningly at her. But she didn't have time to explain. Just then Adam Finn appeared behind her, pulling her into a bear hug that I imagined must have been wet since he was dripping all over the cement. Lily screamed dramatically and turned around laughing to kiss him. He had more party decorations in his hands, and she was hopelessly attempting to fight him off before he could touch her hair again.

Nathan and I rolled our eyes.

"I think you need a birthday spanking," Adam said thickly, still attempting to lace Lily with the streamers.

"You're drunk," she laughed, but her eyes were shining at him.

"Yeah so?"

Nathan and I chuckled, and I turned away to watch the pool when they started kissing.

"Let's go find Aaron," I said quickly, and Nathan nodded.

We left Adam Finn and Lily making out loudly next to the potato chips. It was the hottest part of the day and I could feel beads of sweat running down my back as soon as I stood up. Luckily we didn't have to look long for Aaron. He was the one who found us. Leah was with him, Solomon's baby carrier dangling from her arm.

"Raina!" he said, waving.

"Hi."

Leah reached out and touched my shoulder. "Hey girl, what's up?"

"Not much."

I looked at little Solomon asleep in the sun. He was red from the heat, his faced scrunched up like a turtle's. "He's so precious," I grinned.

Leah threw her head back and laughed. "You ever heard this kid scream at three a.m.? Precious. Ha. He's like a monster, but a cute one I'll give him that."

It was then that I remembered Nathan standing behind me. "Oh I'm sorry. Leah, this is Nathan. He's my boyfriend."

"Oh. Congratulations," she grinned.

Nathan raised his eyebrows.

"On the baby."

"Oh. . . oh yeah. Thanks," he mumbled.

"Wanna hold him?" she said, gesturing to Solomon.

"Excuse me?"

Leah smiled and put down the carrier, gently picking Solomon out of it. He fussed in her arms, making little noises that sounded like a creaky cabinet door, his chubby pink arms flailing.

"You need practice right? Future daddies need lots of practice."

"Uh. . ." Nathan said, his face growing red. "I don't think-"

But Leah was already passing him the baby; he took Solomon from her awkwardly like she had handed him a pile of wet towels.

"Hold his head and don't drop him. That's all I ask."

Nathan was stiff. He looked down at Solomon, gently bouncing him in his arms. "Um. . . hi. . . you sure are funny looking."

"Hey he likes you. He usually cries when I hand him to strangers. Ask Aaron."

I looked at Aaron and saw him roll his eyes dramatically. "One time. One friggin' time and she won't let me live it down."

Nathan looked back at me and smiled. "This feels really weird."

"You'll get used to it," Leah said, brushing her hand through the air. "Once you do it a thousand times a day with a poopie diaper in your hand."

"Come get a drink with me, Raina," Aaron said suddenly, motioning for me to follow him.

Nathan glanced at us out of the corner of his eye, but he was still holding Solomon and didn't say anything to stop me, so I reluctantly followed Aaron over to the Cokes. At least I had him alone so I could ask a few burning questions that had been on my mind since Wednesday.

"So the kid. . ." I began, cracking open my second pop can of the day. "Uh. . . he's not-"

"Mine?" Aaron grinned, dropping two big ice cubes into his cup and making it fizz and hiss like a 4th of July sparkler. "Nope. Leah had another boyfriend last year. One night things went a little too far, she got pregnant and he left her as soon as he found out. Last she heard he was living in San Diego with his parents."

I raised my eyebrows. All of Nathan's violence seemed to pale in comparison to such cruelty. No matter what he had done to me, at least he was with me, supporting me, loving me through it all.

"Wow. That must have been so hard on her."

Aaron nodded. "Yeah it was, but she doesn't regret it. She loves that baby more than life."

More than life. I wondered what that kind of love felt like.

"Let's get back okay?" I said.

Aaron picked up his cup and followed me. When we walked over to the place where we had been talking with Leah, Nathan was rocking Solomon in his arms and Leah was chatting animatedly with Lily and Adam Finn. She seemed to make friends everywhere she went.

"She kinda abandoned me," Nathan said, nodding his head over at her.

I chuckled and touched Solomon's fuzzy hair. "Oh but you two look so sweet together."

"I'll take him if you want," Aaron said, reaching out his arms.

But Nathan shook his head and pulled away, a defensive gesture that was so slight only I would have noticed it.

"No. . . no it's really okay. I kind of like it."

"Well I think you should at least turn the other way so you can throw your shadow over him. He looks kind of hot."

"Oh. . ." Nathan said, blushing. "Yeah. Okay."

Nathan's eyes blackened in anger for just a moment, but I was the only one who saw it. Aaron had already looked away and joined Leah's conversation with Lily.

When Leah turned around she grabbed my hands in excitement. "Oh you're back! Would you look at this guy? He's a natural right?" she said, smiling at Nathan.

"Yeah. Looks like it," I chuckled, glad that she had broken the tension.

Leah gently took Solomon back from Nathan and rocked him in her arms when he started to fuss. "Oh come on baby, he's not your mommy. I'm your mommy remember?"

But Solomon started to cry even louder and she gently rubbed his back. "Shh. . ." she said, then looked at Nathan. "Man this kid loves you."

Nathan turned red. "I didn't. . . I didn't do anything. I mean I didn't mean to do anything-"

"No, no I'm not mad. It's sweet. You're gonna be a great father you know that?"

He shrugged apathetically and looked down at the grass, but I saw him smile just a little.

"So Raina," Leah said, turning her attention back to me.

"Yeah?"

"Aaron tells me all about your little lunch dates everyday. Not tryin' to steal my boyfriend are you?" she laughed.

She was joking, but a bucket of ice cascaded into my stomach at the words. She had said it. She had said it right in front of Nathan. My heart began to race. I couldn't bring myself to look at him so I kept my eyes on my flipflops, trying my best not to scream at Leah. She had no idea what she had just done.

"I'm getting another beer," Nathan said coldly, turning away from us. The words were like a door slamming in my face.

Leah watched him curiously, moving Solomon to her other shoulder and patting his back. "Uh. . . did I say something?"

"Sorry. I'll be back okay?"

Aaron glanced over his shoulder at me, but I only briefly saw the confusion in his eyes as I turned to run after Nathan. I couldn't think, I couldn't move. My mouth was dry. I raced through the bodies like I was racing through a dream, my legs moving slower and slower. Out of breath and dripping in the heat, I finally found Nathan talking to Travis a good distance away from the group.

"Nathan?" I said, approaching him slowly.

He glanced at me and sighed, his eyes dark. "What do you want?"

"Can we talk?"

"I'm busy."

I looked at Travis, who just shrugged helplessly and mouthed "sorry". I lingered for a few moments longer, listening to them talk about the band practice that was scheduled for the following week. He ignored me completely. He was punishing me.

A few minutes later I managed to slip away from the party without anyone noticing, but I could still hear the sound of the water rippling in the pool as I sat down on the steps leading up to the second row of apartments. There was no one around. I put my face in my hands and realized I was shaking uncontrollably. He was going to kill me for this. He was going to kill me.

It wasn't long before I was discovered. Adam Finn and Lily soon came over and sat down next to me, obviously planning an attempt to find out what was wrong. I watched their wet footprints dissolving on the hot yellow pavement, and I couldn't admit it. I couldn't even think about it. My brain was racing with ideas, lies, plans. . . anything to escape what Nathan would do to me later. I would have given anything to save myself.

"Raina, what's wrong?" Lily asked quietly, her voice just above a whisper. I had a feeling she knew this had to do with Nathan, but she didn't want to talk about it in front of Adam.

I shook my head. "Nothing. . . really."

"Come on," she sighed. "It's my birthday party. I won't have you crying."

She nudged me, smiling, the streamers trembling in her hair. But I was in no mood for games.

"Yeah Raina, what's wrong?" Adam Finn asked slowly, his words slightly slurred. "There's no reason to cry."

"Leave me alone. Please," I choked.

But I knew I didn't need to ask. I was already alone; I was more alone than I had ever been in my entire life.

I got up off the stairs and ran into Adam Finn's unlocked apartment, shutting the door behind me.

It was dark and comforting and silent in here; I could catch my breath. Cases of Coke and bags of chips were piled high on the counter top. I stood by the door and breathed deeply, finally letting the buildup of tears cascade down my face.

Adam Finn's place was as cramped as our own apartment was, but it had a nice, homelike feel about it. There were cds on the floor, textbooks and homework, twisted blankets on the couch. The bright hot light of the day came in through the windows, casting a glow on the carpet, and the air smelled warmly of cigarette smoke and vanilla.

I sat down on Adam's couch, while I did so kicking some of the mess away from my feet so that I could have my own little space. And then I sobbed like I hadn't sobbed in weeks, my head in my hands.

It was Aaron who found me this time. I didn't hear him open the front door; I must have been crying too loudly. I realized with relief that he was also alone when he sat down next to me on the couch. The weight of his body sunk the cushions, making me slide just a little closer to him.

"Raina," he said, "What are you doing in here alone?"

I sniffled and dried my eyes hurriedly, not daring to look at him. He was too close. I couldn't think.

"She told him about us," I whispered hoarsely, the words burning.

"What do you mean 'us'?" Aaron said. "He can't possibly be mad about us going to lunch can he? Is that all you're so upset about? I can even talk to him if it's that big a deal."

"Aaron, you don't know okay? You don't know. . ." I said, shaking my head.

"I don't know what, Raina?" he asked.

"Nothing. I'm fine."

"You're crying."

I rubbed my eyes and took in a shuddery deep breath to calm myself. The thin sunlight was dancing like crepe paper across the walls.

"Do you remember that day at the pool with Paul Fisher? When you broke his nose?"

"Why are you bringing this up now?" he murmured.

"I just remember. . . that was the first day I knew you were someone else. You weren't just some smart nerdy kid I hung out with to get better grades. You were. . . you were something else after that."

"Raina," he said softly. "I'm someone else now too."

I knew he was getting the wrong idea and that I needed to stop talking, but I had gone too far now to turn back.

"I don't know you anymore. I don't get all of it. This God thing, the church thing, Leah. What happened to you?" I asked.

Aaron sighed and put his hands on his jeans, spreading out his fingers like a fan. He didn't speak for so long I thought that he was going to ignore the question.

And then, in a soft voice, "When you're a kid you think you know everything. Sometimes it takes something big to make you realize that you don't know anything at all."

"What was it?"

"You. You, Raina. I thought I knew everything until I looked around and you weren't there with me anymore. For the first time I knew what real pain was. When I was with you all those months. . . I just. . . I just didn't think I would miss you much, until you were really gone."

"You could have written me," I whispered, feeling a twinge of anger.

"I could have. Yeah. But I was scared, didn't know what to say to you. The things I was feeling were bigger than anything I had ever felt before. I was in a dream for most of it, doubting myself, questioning, searching so hard to fill the emptiness."

"I left you empty?" I said with a slight smile. "Man. . . sorry, emo-kid."

Aaron laughed. "Don't worry, I was empty before you. I was empty my whole life. Some people can feel it, others cover it up with relationships or drugs or hobbies. But we're all born empty, longing for something."

"What do you mean?"

Aaron cleared his throat and started moving his hands, which was what he had always done when he was trying to explain something complicated. "You ever listen to love songs? I mean, 'whine, whine my girlfriend broke up with me' songs?"

"Not lately."

"Work with me here, Raina," he said, raising an eyebrow.

"All right, all right. Yes."

"Those songs are about hopelessness, about people thinking they'd finally found it, the thing that was going to complete them, and then being flung back to square one. I think of it this way: people use relationships, their jobs, whatever like a tower of building blocks. It starts out fine at first, strong and sturdy when it's still short. But once you build to a certain point it's gonna have to fall. It's gonna fall because the laws of physics are against you."

"You're losing me," I said, holding up a hand.

"Why? 'Cause I mentioned physics?"

I grinned. "Aaron, work with me here."

"Okay, okay. No physics. But you get the point right? Now once it falls most little kids will wise up and stop trying to build it that high. But you look around and people, grown adults, are doing the exact opposite. It falls, there's a huge mess, they cry, but instead of looking to another answer they start making a new tower. Stupid right?"

"Yeah. I guess. But what does that have to do with longing?"

"People are empty. They think they can build a tower using the materials they find around them here on earth, but they fail. There's so much failure, Raina. That's why people are unhappy."

"So what were you longing for?"

Aaron cleared his throat, staring intently at a dirty sock on the floor.

"One night a couple years ago my friend back in North Dakota invited me to his church. I still have no idea why I went, except maybe to try and figure out how so many people were getting brainwashed. I hated religion, remember? I looked around me and saw the world in black and white, in scientific terms, and I wished society would modernize and grow out of the whole God thing ya know?"

"I remember," I said.

"Well that night. . . man I just felt something I can't describe. It felt like. . . it felt like I was being torn apart, like something was playing tug of war with me or something. I was shaking so bad I could barely stand. At the end the speaker said that if you had felt anything that night, come to the front. I literally didn't think I could do anything else. I couldn't stand there anymore. It hurt, Raina. Whatever was going on inside of me hurt really, really bad. Almost physical pain. By the time I got up there I was crying. This guy asked me if I wanted to change my life, and I said yes."

"What happened next?"

"I prayed for the first time and told God that I needed Him to change me, and when I walked away I felt light," he shrugged.

Aaron's eyes were far away. He was staring at the shadows changing on the wall, merging and separating, merging and separating with the movement of the trees. But he was looking at something else entirely.

"Light?" I said.

"Lighter than I've ever felt before or since then. I felt so light I wanted to run or something just to remind myself that I was still standing, that things were still physical. That's how high I felt. And I knew when I left that people can debate for centuries about whether God exists or not, but what I had felt that night was real. No matter what people think about the validity of the Bible or how the world was made or who Jesus Christ is, no one can take that night away from me as long as I live. So I made a choice to believe it, and since then I haven't felt empty."

"So you really believe in all that huh? Angels and Heaven and Jesus dying for your sins?"

"What else can I do, Raina? Life is a lot more enjoyable when you aren't building a new tower or cleaning up a new mess every few minutes," he smiled.

I shrugged, wiping my nose on my shirt sleeve and staring out the window. "I wish I knew what I believed anymore."

A few moments of silence passed, and I was caught off guard when Aaron put his arm around me and pulled me close to him. It occurred to me then that he had not really touched me at all since he'd come back to Georgia. I reluctantly allowed myself to lean into his embrace. He still smelled like laundry detergent and Kool-Aid, and his heartbeat was full, like listening to the ocean.

"Please tell me," he whispered. "Tell me like you used to tell me stuff, secrets. Tell me what's going on with you, Raina."

"What do you mean?"

"Tell me what you're scared of. I see it. I see it all over you all the time. You're terrified of something."

My heart was pounding. Could I possibly admit this? No. . . no, I couldn't. It was so hidden I didn't even know where it was buried anymore.

"Nathan just gets really mad."

"Does he hurt you?" he asked.

I shook my head, the tears pouring from my eyes again. "No."

"Then what is this?" Aaron whispered, gently pulling up my shirt sleeve and revealing three purple finger marks.

I quickly covered the bruises with my hand. "I got hit by a baseball," I said, my voice wavering.

"And this?" he said.

Aaron's hands were so gentle I was shaking. How could he possibly know all the places where I was hurt? Hadn't I been careful to cover myself when I was around him?

To this day I don't know why I didn't stop him when he pushed my sleeve up to the elbow, revealing more bruises, some of them new and red, others dull green and yellow, made days ago. I heard his breath catch.

"Oh wow. . . oh Raina," he whispered. "He's beating you isn't he?"

"No," I choked, yanking my arm away from him. "Please. . . please don't do this. . . not right now. . ."

"What's the truth?" he said. "You know you can trust me."

I put my face in my hands, sobbing. When I thought about the tower of secrets I had built I nodded my head ever so slightly, hoping he wouldn't see the movement.

"Shh," Aaron said, pulling me against him. He was warm and damp with sweat. "We're gonna get you out of this okay?"

I pulled away quickly, searching his face. In his eyes for just a moment, I saw the warped reflection of myself.

"No, Aaron. No. I love Nathan."

"You're scared of him. You're hiding from him in here," Aaron scoffed incredulously. "Raina, listen to me. You cannot put up with this. You deserve better."

I glared at him and pointed my finger in his face. "You only see the outside. You don't know what it's like. You don't know why I love him or what it means or anything! You just see that he hurts me and that I'm a moron for taking it. Well nothing's ever that black and white is it!"

"I didn't say you were a moron. I would never say that about you. But I'm saying you have to listen to me."

I was crying again, sobbing into my hands. I felt the fat, warm tears leaking onto Adam Finn's floor.

"I'm all he has," I whispered brokenly, "He's all I have."

"That's crap and you know it! You have me! And now you have Lily and Leah and Chris. . . and if you wanted Him, you could have God."

"Don't talk to me about God!" I yelled, my eyes flashing. "Don't talk to me about a God who remembers some people and forgets others!"

"He hasn't forgotten you," Aaron whispered.

"Aaron, you just don't-"

"Raina?"

I heard the voice from out of a dream. The door of the apartment had creaked open. Nathan was standing there, looking at me, looking at Aaron with an indecipherable look of shock on his face.

"Nathan," I said breathlessly.

"Lily and Finn. . . they said you were in here," he whispered, still looking at us.

His voice sounded strange, broken and sad. I would have felt a lot better if he had yelled at me, smacked me. Anything. Just not that hurt I could hear in his voice.

Aaron stood up too. I was begging him with my eyes not to say anything, but he did.

"Nathan," he began. "I know this looks really bad, but Raina was crying. She was crying because of you and I-"

"Stop it," I hissed under my breath. "Just stop, Aaron."

But he ignored me. "I'm not trying to get into your business, but I'm worried okay? About Raina. She's my friend. She was my friend before you ever knew she existed, and I think. . . I think that makes her my business."

Nathan stared at him, then stared at me. I tried to figure out the look in his eyes. The shock was gone, and they were as dark as ink, thick and heavy and full of hate. I wanted to dissolve when he looked at me like that. He turned away from us and walked out of the house, slamming the door hard behind him. I made to follow him but Aaron took my hand.

"Raina, don't go with him," he whispered urgently. "Please? You can stay at my place or something. There's no extra bedrooms but I know Chris will let you use the couch. I can't let you go. . . He's going to hurt you!"

"You shouldn't have said anything!" I hissed, "Let go of me! You're a liar, Aaron! You haven't changed at all, you still see things in black and white!"

I pulled myself out of his grasp, not daring to look into his eyes and see the hurt there. It couldn't be any other way. Crushing him was the only thing I could do to insure he would leave me alone. He had to stay away from me and Nathan or everything would fall apart.

I fled out of the apartment and into the thick grass. Nathan's back was just a few yards from me. I saw him in a dream, in slow motion, like there was nothing else.

Chapter Nineteen

Mon, 05 Feb 2007 03:40:15 GMT

The month of September was ending, which had meant one thing to me for almost as long as I could remember: Lily's birthday was coming up. She was going to be nineteen and kept trying to shove the subject under the table, because the way Lily found out if people cared about her or not was if they remembered her birthday. For years she had made a game out of pretending nothing was out of the ordinary right up until the last minute, seeing which one of her friends would let her down. No one ever had.

That's why Aaron and I were spending the entire lunch hour shopping for gifts at the mall. But not just gifts: the gift, The Lily Gift that would make her year. Best friends have certain obligations around birthday times; I had never failed my mission and had no intention to this year, but the truth was that I had no idea what Lily wanted anymore. For the first time in the course of our entire relationship there were secrets, there were lies.

"Clothes?" Aaron suggested, pointing at a Picasso-esque mannequin crouching in a store window.

I shook my head. "She has enough of those. No shoes either."

"Music?"

"Too cheap. You don't buy your best friend a cd."

"DVDs?"

"She doesn't have a DVD player."

Aaron sighed loudly and raked his fingers through his blond hair. "I'm running out of ideas here, Raina. Why don't you just give her a good ole' fashioned homemade gift huh?"

I turned slowly and looked at him, horrified. "Because she'd disown me, that's why. What am I gonna do- work her a kitten puzzle?"

He shrugged as if this was a perfectly reasonable idea. "Why not?"

"Aaron, go home," I laughed.

"You forget I'm driving."

"Then you can go sit on a bench until I'm ready, since you obviously have no idea how to shop for presents."

"Okay I'll be good," he said, hurrying to catch up with me. "So what's Lily like now? Maybe if I know I can help you out."

I shrugged, stopping to pick up a pair of long beaded earrings and watching them dangle and dance in the light. They were gorgeous, but Lily had enough earrings too. Carefully, like they were butterflies, I tucked them back into the display.

"Um. . . she's basically the same as she was when she was thirteen. Only now she doesn't drool over guy's pictures in TeenBeat magazine, she goes out and gets them herself."

"TeenBeat Magazines?"

"Guys," I said dryly.

"Well no matter how much she asks for it we are not buying her a male prostitute," Aaron said, shuddering.

"Don't worry, that won't be necessary. She has Adam Finn now," I said.

"Who's Adam Finn?"

"This guy she stalked all summer. He's Nathan's best friend."

Aaron was quiet, looking thoughtful as we passed by a window display of sportswear. "When do I get to meet this Nathan anyway? Sounds like it's gotten pretty serious, him being the father of your baby and everything."

"It is serious," I said.

"So when can I meet him?"

"I dunno. He works a lot. . . he's busy. . ."

I let my voice trail off. We were passing the food court now, a smell that was half-nauseating and half-enticing filling my nostrils. My stomach rumbled so loudly I could feel the vibration through my shirt. No, there was no time to eat. I had to get Lily's present. I had to-

"Come with me tonight," Aaron said out of no where.

I stopped in my tracks and whirled around, annoyed. Didn't I have enough problems without Aaron trying to get me "saved" all the time?

"Must we go through this every single Wednesday?"

Aaron held up his hands. "I'm waiting, Raina. Just waiting."

"For what?"

"For the day when you run out of excuses."

I crossed my arms over my chest and raised my eyebrows. "You think I'm making up excuses do you?"

"Oh yeah. I know you are making up excuses. It's actually pretty hilarious."

"Well I'm glad to know I amuse you," I grumbled. "Has it ever occurred to you that I just don't wanna go?"

"Yes, but since I'm a pushy kind of guy I just won't accept that answer," he smirked.

"Well just to prove that I'm not making up excuses, I'll go with you tonight. One night. That's all. I'll meet all your Jesus pals and then you can stop buggin' me about it."

"My Jesus pals?" Aaron said, raising one eyebrow.

I ignored his look of indignation and held up my finger. "There's a condition though."

"What's that?"

"You park in the parking lot, you call me, I will come down. You do not come to the door and get me."

"Is your boyfriend like a werewolf or something?"

"Yeah I have to hide him in the closet," I said sarcastically, rolling my eyes. "No seriously Aaron it's kind of important."

"Okay I promise. Parking lot, call, wait. I'll be there at six thirty okay?"

"Deal."

-

I hadn't been to church in over ten years, a Christmas Eve candlelight service my father had taken me to before he stopped caring about the holidays. I could remember the smell of warm wax and the dim golden lights that had made me fall asleep in his arms. I could remember my Christmas dress, red and white and velvet, heavy when it twirled around my legs like walking through deep water.

"You look like a queen. The best dressed lady in town," my father had told me. I could still feel the prickly stubble on his chin when he kissed my cheek.

I didn't change out of my work clothes after Lily dropped me off at the apartment at five fifteen. I was wearing a knee-length black skirt and pink button-up blouse. I figured it looked churchy enough, and anyway, who was I trying to impress?

Nathan made us dinner, Hamburger Helper and blue Kool-Aid. Then we watched reruns of Who Wants To Be a Millionaire? in the living room and quizzed each other on the hard questions. I couldn't concentrate. My leg shook. It was only six fifteen but it felt like five hours had passed already.

"Who's the patron saint of Spain?" Nathan asked.

I was busy watching the clock and barely registered the sound of his voice. He tapped me on the shoulder.

"Hello? You there Rainy? Patron saint of Spain, quick."

"Um. . . I dunno. Joan of Arc?" I guessed.

Nathan laughed and shook his head. "That's not even an option! Besides, wasn't she French? Let's hope you never try to win us any money."

"I don't think there's any danger of that happening," I mumbled distractedly, glancing over my shoulder again.

"You seem really tense tonight."

I crossed my legs at the ankle, nervously smoothing my hair off my face. "I'm fine."

"Sure?"

"Sure."

The woman on the tv had used up her last lifeline three questions ago. I could see the fear in her face, and even though it was only a game I sensed exactly what she was feeling. Trapped.

"St. James," Nathan guessed.

But the woman hesitated, biting her lip and studying the four options over and over and over.

"I'm telling you it's St. James," Nathan said again, as if she could hear him.

A long time passed. I held my breath, practically feeling her hear racing. And then, finally, she decided not to risk it and instead went home with her money. A few seconds later it was announced that Nathan had been right. It was St. James.

"Man I coulda just won us five-hundred thousand dollars!" he exclaimed, throwing up his hands.

"Only if you got all the questions right before that one, and I believe you missed the one about Harry Potter awhile back," I smirked.

"You just gotta rub it in my face dontcha Rainy?"

"That's what girlfriends do best."

Nathan kissed me on the forehead and pulled me close to him. He smelled like the ocean, fresh and salty, and I rested my head in the crook between his shoulder and neck, staring blankly at the tv during the commercial break. I knew with a sense of foreboding that I was just barely going to be able to pull this off. When Aaron called I would tell Nathan that it was Lily waiting downstairs after having a fight with her mother, distraught and crying with no one around to talk to except for me. The story would buy me a couple of hours at least. . . if only everything went as planned.

Nathan's warmth was inviting and I snuggled deeper into his embrace. He gently kissed me on the forehead, running his finger down the side of my cheek.

"You smell good," he murmured.

"New lotion."

I winced as soon as I said it. He was going to ask me why I had put on lotion, why I hadn't changed out of my work clothes yet, why-

"You sure you're okay?" he asked.

"Yeah. I promise."

Suddenly there was a knock at the door, a fast, rhythmic succession of beats. My stomach twisted and my breath caught in my throat. Stupid, stupid. I had told him to park and wait.

"I'll get it!" I yelled, scrambling to my feet and tripping over one of Nathan's legs.

"Ouch! Slow down, Superman!" he grinned, slapping the back of my thigh.

I rushed over to the door and yanked it open. Aaron was there wearing the same clothes he'd had on at lunch- a gray t-shirt and jeans, smiling like nothing was wrong, like he hadn't just ruined everything.

"What's your problem? I told you to call!" I hissed, trying to close the door so Nathan wouldn't see.

Aaron furled his eyebrows for a moment in thought, then smacked his forehead. "Oh yeah! I'm so sorry, Raina. It's not that big a deal is it?"

Nathan suddenly appeared beside me in the doorway. I sighed when I felt his hand on the small of my back. There was no saving myself now.

"Nathan, this is Aaron. Aaron, this is Nathan."

"Hi," they said at the same time.

Nathan's eyes were dark as he looked him over. I didn't take comfort in the fact that the only thing that was probably stopping him from smacking Aaron in the face was that I was standing between them.

"Aaron sorta wants me to go to church with him tonight," I mumbled.

"Church?" Nathan said. His voice caught on the word like a bit of clothing snagging on a rusty nail.

"Yeah we're just gonna hang out. You can come too if you want man," Aaron said.

Nathan raised his eyebrows as if he had just suggested running around the mall in a dress and high heels. He was going to throw Aaron off the balcony ledge, I was sure of it.

"No."

The word fell the way a stone falls into a pond, heavy and final, sinking all the way to the bottom. It was followed by an icy silence, but Aaron didn't seem to notice.

That was the weird thing. He just didn't seem to be under the cloud of fear and nerves that I was under. He was totally relaxed. He still smiled, his eyes bright, his blond hair tousled like he'd just woken up.

"That's cool. Ready Raina?" he asked cheerfully.

"Yeah."

I walked outside with Aaron, my head hung low in shame. But I still turned and forced myself to look at Nathan one last time, even though I couldn't bring myself to meet his eyes.

"Have fun at church," he smirked, then he shut the door in our faces.

Aaron and I were quiet as we walked down the metal stairs. The night was cool and the air smelled earthy, like rain. He had parked on the curb right by our apartment in front of one of Arielle's many hop-scotch drawings. A shadow had passed over us, and I couldn't shake the feeling of dread. My stomach was churning. What would happen when I came home later that night?

"Your boyfriend is a serial killer," Aaron said softly after he closed his door.

I giggled, glad that he had broken the tension with a joke. "Nathan's not that bad. He just gets jealous."

"Of me? I'm a loser."

"You are not a loser," I smiled.

Aaron put the car in reverse and placed his hand on the back of my seat as he pulled out of the parking space.

"So how jealous does he get? Are we talkin' like, anyone kisses Raina and they get slapped in the face? Or is it more like, anyone so much as thinks about Raina and they die a horrific death involving a dull ax and a medieval catapult?"

I knew that he was joking, but talking about Nathan's jealousy was hitting a little too close to home. I closed my eyes, memories flying at me like a cloud of arrows. I thought about that night in our bed, his hand over my mouth, the terrifying darkness that had swept over me. And then I thought about that second that always came right after he hit me, when his eyes were like drops of rain.

"Not that bad. He just loves me a lot, so he's protective."

"That's good. I mean. . . to have someone love you like that. No medieval catapults though right?"

I chuckled and smoothed the wrinkles out of my skirt. "Not that I know of."

"Then you're lucky, Raina. And he's even luckier to have you."

I was lucky, I was lucky, I was lucky. "Yeah. When you really love someone it's like. . . it's like they become a part of your body. When they hurt, you hurt with them. You feel their pain in every one of your cells," I said softly, suddenly feeling the need to explain.

Aaron was too quiet. We were on the road now, the apartment complex disappearing behind us like a dark stain soaking into the clouds. I stole a quick glance over at him and saw the headlights flashing in his eyes. The look on his face was so sad I wanted to change the subject.

"So am I over-dressed?" I asked, motioning to his jeans and t-shirt.

Aaron grinned and looked over at what I was wearing. "Yeah a little, but that's okay. I didn't tell you that you can just wear jeans and stuff. It doesn't matter."

"I'm a little scared," I said.

"Don't be."

-

Light of Life Church was smaller than I had expected, nothing like the big old cathedral my father had taken me to that Christmas Eve. When we got out of the car I stayed by Aaron's side like a shadow all the way up to the double doors, dread filling me with every single step I took. The argument that awaited me back at the apartment didn't help to curb my already crippling nervousness. I was sure they were going to see what I was the moment I walked in: pregnant, bruised, weak, pathetic, ugly.

The voices filled my head, telling me to turn back, telling me that I didn't belong here and never would. But I was with Aaron and I knew I couldn't slip away this time. I was just going to have to face it.

The building was crowded and warm inside, but it was the furthest thing from a church I had ever seen. We were standing in the foyer, which was separated from the main sanctuary by a pair of closed double doors. A table was set up just inside, brochures and handouts strewn across it, and a small cafe' had been opened up in the wall to my left. A warm smell of coffee and cookies hung in the air, making my mouth water. The room was modern, shaped like a funky parallelogram with the walls painted shades of blue and maroon and yellow. There were tables set up in front of the cafe' where kids, some of them as young as thirteen, were sitting and laughing and eating.

I wanted to shrink into the floor. This wasn't what I had expected. I could handle big old cathedrals and stained glass, I could handle old people and hymnals. But I couldn't handle my own peers.

The two of us weaved our way through the forest of tables, and Aaron called out to someone. A guy with brown spiky hair waved at us over the crowd. He was tall and skinny, like a reflection in a fun house mirror. But his face was striking, as bright as a match.

"Raina, this is Chris. My roommate," Aaron said after we had pushed our way over to him.

"What's up Raina?" he grinned, grasping my hand like he knew me.

"Have you seen Leah?" Aaron asked.

"Solomon," Chris replied flatly, as if this was a perfectly logical answer to the question. I glanced over at Aaron, but surprisingly enough he seemed to know exactly what he was talking about.

"Oh man. I thought she was getting a sitter tonight," he said, throwing up his hands.

"Her mom bailed. She's here though, just a little stressed out. Try the nursery."

My head was spinning. What were they talking about? When could I go home? Or at least, when could I go hide in the pews and escape from all these eyes? There was something about this particular crowd that made me feel like I was being watched, intently. It wasn't necessarily a judgmental or hostile feeling, but I didn't like it nonetheless.

Aaron started leading me away, but at that moment I heard loud music start up in the main room off to my right. He looked back at me and shrugged.

"You'll meet her afterwards okay?"

My throat was so dry all I could manage to do was nod my head. Sure. Whatever.

Aaron motioned for me to follow him into the sanctuary. The big double doors, which had been closed when we came into the foyer, were now standing wide open. A guy handing out slips of paper greeted us as we headed inside, and I robotically took one from him. It was an outline of the evening. Great. At least I could use it to count the minutes until I could go home.

My heart sank even more whenever I saw that there were no pews to hide in, just rows of beige chairs. The room was relatively big itself, but it was nothing compared to its huge high ceilings that seemed to go on forever, amplifying every sound ten times. I felt like a small animal in an open field, desperately searching for cover.

Aaron led me to a row in the back, which I was glad for. I did not want to sit anywhere near the front of the room. We settled down into our seats, and that was when I noticed that my legs were shaking and my stomach was churning.

"That's Leah on the right," Aaron whispered into my ear, pointing to the small stage.

I looked up and saw a chubby girl, probably in her late teens, staring intently at something that looked like sheet music. Even before meeting her she was not what I had expected at all. Her long dark hair was slightly disheveled, her clothes wrinkled, and it looked like she hadn't slept well in a long time. But her eyes, like Aaron's, were intensely fierce and alive.

Suddenly someone jumped over my legs, plopping down on Aaron's other side. It happened so quickly I didn't even get a chance to see who it was.

"Why are we sitting back here man?"

I recognized Chris's voice, already starting to notice that he couldn't seem to sit still for more than a minute, like Nathan when he took the Phentermine. One of his long legs was twitching and he kept waving and high-fiving everyone that went past. I had a suspicion that he didn't even know half of those he greeted.

"Just felt like it," Aaron said.

I blushed, glad that he had sensed my reluctance to sit at the front.

"Hey there's Amy!" Chris said loudly, and in one blurring movement he had flung himself over the chairs in front of us and was running out of the sanctuary.

"Wow. Um. . ."

"He's got energy," Aaron explained with a smile. "A lot of it."

Just then the music started up, loud and fast and filling the whole room. I freaked out when I saw everyone around me stand up, but to my relief Aaron sat right where he was.

"I'll hang out down here with you tonight," he smiled, "I know how it is when you first come to church. Until you figure out what you're standing up for all you get is sore feet."

The band played a few songs, none of which I knew. There was no Amazing Grace or I'll Fly Away, something that I could have sung along with if I had to. The newness of the music made me feel even more separate. In fact the whole thing was starting to feel like a club, a club that you had to work very hard to get into. It was like every single person there knew something that I didn't, some secret that held them all together. A few of them were raising up their hands, others were crying. But I felt nothing. I didn't belong here. I just wanted to go home and be with Nathan.

My eyes kept landing on Leah. Something drew me to her. She wasn't a beautiful girl exactly, but she had the most amazing singing voice I had ever heard. It filled the room like a flock of birds. She held the whole crowd mesmerized in the palm of her hand. I couldn't concentrate on the music or the lyrics, just the passionate way she sang them. The clear sharpness of her voice didn't seem to fit well at all with her shy appearance.

Compared to worship, the rest of the service was surprisingly short. Aaron explained to me that a lot of the younger kids couldn't concentrate for long on a sermon, so the speakers liked to keep the messages under thirty minutes.

I recognized the pastor from outside in the foyer, but I didn't know his name. He talked about failure and how bad Peter must have felt when he denied Christ three times. . . but he had pulled himself up anyway, he'd said, Peter had gone on. I listened, but it had been so long since Sunday school I didn't understand what any of it meant anymore.

My watch said eight o'clock when it was over. Nathan was on my mind and I was ready to go straight home, but Aaron hung back as everyone filed outside of the sanctuary, telling me he was waiting for Chris and Leah.

"So what'd you think?" he asked.

"I think I wanna go home, eat some double fudge bars, take a hot bath and go to bed," I said.

"Ah come on, it wasn't that bad."

I shrugged, looking around as everyone began to gather in the foyer outside, talking and waving goodbye to each other.

"This isn't for me, Aaron," I mumbled, but I didn't think he heard me.

Just then Chris jogged over to us, followed by Leah. I shrunk back into the crowd, wanting to disappear. Maybe it was just my own guilt, but it was as if she could feel all of the negative things I had thought about her.

"Hey," she said, and she kissed Aaron on the mouth. I looked away.

"This is Raina," Aaron said, taking my hand and pulling me out of the shadows. "I knew her when she was a little girl. She was my best friend when I lived here before."

I didn't think the explanation did us justice. I felt hurt. He had not even mentioned our first kiss, Antares, the monarch butterflies. Did he even remember?

"Oh really?" Leah grinned. "Nice to meet you. Cool shoes."

I looked down at the pink heels I was wearing and felt a little better. At least the compliment had sounded genuine. "Thanks. Good job up there," I said.

"Oh I know I'm a mess tonight. I'm usually much more on track but-" Leah threw up her hands. "Oh that reminds me! I gotta get Solomon. Be back."

I watched Leah hurry out of the sanctuary doors, her thick dark hair swinging behind her. Aaron and I were standing around and chatting with Chris when she came back a few minutes later, holding a newborn baby in her arms. The moment I saw it I was speechless. The thought flew across my mind before I could help it, but I snuffed it out as soon as it came. Surely not. No. A little brother or sister, maybe. But not-

"This is my son, Solomon Alexander," she grinned. "He just turned two months old."

I glanced at Aaron, who smiled at me in a way that clearly said I told you so. I felt a rush of heat flow through me, gathering in my cheeks and making my eyes burn with humiliation.

"He's beautiful," was all I could manage to say.

And he really was. You could see the tiny red veins underneath his skin, like carefully stitched threads. His eyes were closed and his small mouth hung open, revealing his pink toothless gums. He was a work of art that I was afraid to touch and defile with my fingerprints.

"I'm pregnant too," I said.

For some reason I felt like I could disclose this information to her and have full assurance that she wouldn't think differently of me.

"No way! Awesome!" Leah grinned. "Underage mothers unite!"

"Hey Raina, wanna come to IHOP with us?" Chris asked suddenly.

"IHOP?"

"It's sort of a Wednesday night tradition. Church with a side of pancakes," he explained, tapping his feet on the floor in a rhythm, unable to stand still.

"It's not a tradition," Leah said, annoyed, as if this was something they argued about on a regular basis.

"Oh so we do it every single Wednesday and that's not a tradition? Hm. . . what do you call it then?"

"Well guess what? We go to the bathroom everyday, but does anyone say that we have a bathroom tradition? I don't think so."

I laughed as their argument intensified, becoming stupider and more pointless by the second. I wanted to go with them to IHOP. I really wanted to. But all at once I thought of Nathan and my stomach twisted like a fist.

"Sorry. . . I've really gotta get home."

"Next week then?" Leah asked hopefully.

I glanced back at Aaron, and when I saw his face it hit me all at once: I wanted to come back here. I wanted it more than anything in the whole world. But I couldn't figure out why, since most of the evening had been nothing short of torture.

"Yeah. Sure."

"Great," Leah grinned, and Solomon started to fuss in her arms. "Oh no. Oh no. I'm so, so, so sorry honey. . ."

She looked up at me, her eyes filled with terror. "I just woke up the sleeping giant. See you guys later okay? I gotta deal with this."

I smiled and waved goodbye to her. After all of my judgment and jealousy, Leah had been the very one to make me feel more at ease than I had felt in weeks.

-

While at church I had somehow managed to forget about the trouble I was in with Nathan, but as the apartment complex appeared on the horizon, the fear grew and grew in my mind until I couldn't control it anymore. By the time we parked, I was shaking.

"Raina," Aaron sighed, turning of the engine.

"What?"

"Something's up with you isn't it? You've been acting weird all night."

I looked at my face in the side mirror and read the rhyme like a limerick: 'objects in mirror are closer than they appear'.

"I'm fine."

It was too quiet. I needed noise.

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"There's nothing to talk about."

Aaron looked at me. I didn't meet his eyes, but I could feel them tearing through me, seeing all of me. If he found out right then, if he saw it at that moment, he didn't say.

"I'll see you tomorrow then okay?"

"Yeah. Tomorrow."

I had tried not to show Aaron that anything was wrong, but as we said goodbye and I headed up the stairs alone, my heart began to pound in my throat.

Nathan was watching tv when I came in. I put the keys in the bowl by the door, and he didn't even look over at me.

The news was on, big bright fires bursting out of broken windows. Whole sections of California were disappearing in a cloud of smoke, the dry summer fields withering like pieces of paper in the flames. Small rabbits scurried out of the mountains and into the cities, trading one death for another.

"Hi," I said softly.

"Did you have fun at church?" he said. His voice was cruel, but I could hear the sadness underneath it.

"Nathan. . . I'm so sorry."

He stood up and turned off the tv set, his back to me. "Forget it."

"Talk to me."

Nathan whirled around, and I expected him to charge at me and smack me in the face but he held back.

"What do you want me to say? You know what I'm going to say! I don't want you seeing that guy again. I didn't like him. I didn't like the way he looked at you, Rainy."

"He's going to be at Lily's birthday party," I mumbled.

"Well after that then. Promise me, Rainy," he said, his eyes pleading with me. "Promise me you'll stay away from guys like that."

"Guys like what?" I asked, daring to raise my voice. He didn't even know Aaron.

"Church people, Raina. They can't stand people like us! They're judgmental psychotic brainwashing hypocrites and I don't want you going near that place again!"

"It wasn't that bad," I whispered, remembering Leah and Chris and baby Solomon.

Nathan closed his eyes, his chest heaving.

"Do you know what the church told my mother when I was a kid?"

"What?"

"They told her to stay with my father. Divorce was wrong. They told her to stay with him, Raina. Put up with it, let him beat the crap out of us because that was God's will for our lives."

"Oh Nathan. . ." I whispered.

"No," he said, "Don't. Don't say anything. I've seen what religion does to people, Raina. It's not pretty. I don't want you getting hurt."

He reached out and gently touched my arm, then pulled me tightly against him, breathing hard like something had frightened him. "I love you," he whispered, "Oh I love you so much, sweetie. . . Please tell me you won't go back there."

What could I say? I knew I only had one answer to give. I didn't have choices anymore; I only had what would hurt me less.

"Okay," I whispered.

I felt his body relax, and he tangled his fingers into my hair and kissed me and murmured something I didn't hear.

"Good. I'm going to bed," Nathan said.

I heard the bedroom door slam shut, and I walked into the living room and sunk down onto the couch. My knees were trembling. I mistook the feeling for fear before I realized it was actually relief.

Chapter Eighteen

Mon, 05 Feb 2007 03:22:25 GMT

Nathan was already asleep by the time I got home that night. After the show at the planetarium Aaron and I had walked and talked for almost three hours, filling in the decaying gaps that the past five years had left behind. We had agreed to start meeting for lunch every weekday to catch up, since he had a break between classes from eleven to two. It was a risky arrangement on my part; I had no idea what would happen if Nathan found out. But I'd been willing to take the chance.

Aaron was the same kid I had known when I was thirteen, and yet he was different. Inexplicably different. All night I had caught glimpses of it, like hearing a few words you can recognize in a complicated song. He stood straighter, he seemed stronger, there was more color in his cheeks. And when he talked his voice was so smooth, so confident, so sure, so convincing I found myself believing every word he said just because it seemed ridiculous to question it. By the end of the night I was convinced: Aaron had changed, and I felt like a ghost in his presence.

Nathan was sleeping on the couch when I unlocked the door of the apartment. It was after nine p.m., and the living room was dark except for the alien blue glow of the tv light reflecting on his face. I dropped my bag which was still full of clothes, the remnants of my failed escape plan, and I gently smoothed his dark hair off his face.

I had been so caught up with Aaron all day I had practically forgotten about my plan to go to a motel. And by the time the night had ended I had already started missing Nathan and justifying his actions until I felt good enough to give it up and go back home. I'd convinced myself that I was making a big deal of it by running away; running away would only make me weak and force me to tell Lily what had happened. No. This was my battle, and I had to stand and fight for all of us, Nathan and me and Annabelle Rose. What kind of a person dropped their weapons and turned away when so much was at stake?

"Nathan?" I whispered close to his ear.

He stirred as his eyes fluttered open. They looked feverish, cloudy and sleepy because of the valium. "Hey," he said softly.

"Hi," I smiled, "Sorry."

"S'okay. What time is it?"

"About nine fifteen."

I kicked off my flipflops, and Nathan made a space for me on the couch so that I could climb in under the blanket beside him. He was soft, and I snuggled into the warmth he had created. One of his arms encircled my waist to keep me from rolling off the cushions as he stroked my hair.

"What took so long?" he whispered.

"I must have lost track of the time."

The lie was beginning to pulse and throb like a fresh wound. Tell him you were with Aaron, tell him, the voice was whispering in my head.

"Rainy?"

"Mm?"

"I was worried. I called Lily."

My stomach clinched up and I felt the blood draining out of my face. "Oh?"

"Why didn't you just tell me the truth?" Nathan whispered, and there was hurt in his voice.

Of course I couldn't tell him why. Now that things were calm again it seemed cruel to say that I had been trying to avoid a beating.

"I'm sorry. . . I just didn't know how you would feel about Aaron."

Nathan was quiet for a moment. Then, "Did you go out with him. . . before you met me?"

"Yes," I whispered, "But we were just kids."

I could feel his muscles tensing like a rubber band stretched back on someone's finger. "Did you- did you love him, Rainy?"

My heart was beating faster, faster as I tried to think of something to say that wouldn't make him angry or hurt his feelings. I was suddenly too hot underneath the thin blanket, and sweat was prickling on my forehead. I had to get out, I had to breathe.

"I didn't know what love was. I was just a stupid kid."

Nathan moved closer to me and relaxed, clearly relieved by the answer. "Rainy it just sorta makes me uncomfortable, you hanging out with your ex-boyfriend. I mean I'm not jealous. I just want. . . I just don't like it. You understand right?"

"I know. I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

"It's okay," he smiled.

I gently moved my hand up under his gray hoodie, against the warm skin of his back, and I stroked his scars as he snuggled against me.

"But you know, we were only thirteen," I grinned.

"Yeah," Nathan said, playfully touching my nose. "But nobody ever forgets their first crush. That's why if you're lucky you get to be with them forever."

"And who was yours?"

"You were mine," he smiled.

It was over, I was safe, I had pulled it off. Relief flooded my veins, even though I knew I could never tell him now that I planned to go to lunch with Aaron. It was too risky.

"It's too late to rent a movie huh?" I said.

"Yeah."

"Maybe we could do something else then," I murmured against his neck, stringing a soft strand of kisses across his throat.

Nathan smiled sleepily. "Mm. . . something else sounds good."

I squealed and laughed when he pushed me onto my back. I had to do this. I had to make love to him, I had to erase the memory of the night before and replace it with something tender. It seemed like the only thing I could do to forget and convince myself that everything was back to the way it had been.

When he entered me I shut my eyes and escaped inside my head like a butterfly throwing open its wings in camouflage.

-

It was easy to keep the secret. Going to school and being with Nathan was like being in two different worlds. In one of them I laughed with Lily and ate lunch with Aaron, did work in class and daydreamed about the baby.

But in the other world I hid my bruises and crept around on my tiptoes, watching Nathan as he slept, afraid to drift off myself, afraid of what I might wake up to. The world with Nathan was darker and sadder, but much cozier. I loved to cuddle up in that world in his arms as we fell asleep with his breath on the side of my face, the rain on the dirty windowpane like a thousand voices whispering. I lived for that feeling, the sleepy warm sensation of his body moving in the dark beside mine.

Aaron was incredibly different from Nathan. He was full of energy and always seemed to have something to say. When he laughed, everything laughed. The sound stayed with you inside of you like an echo, reverberating off the walls of your skull until it made you drunk.

Everyday I snuck out of the crowded hallway during lunch, telling Lily I had studying to do in the library to make up for all the homework I kept neglecting. It was an easy story to believe with my grades as bad as they were. After I brushed her off I would start heading towards the library's big double doors, then turn around to make sure she wasn't watching me before I slipped out into the pale sunshine, feeling anything but guilt.

I hadn't told her I was meeting Aaron for lunch. It felt too good to have a secret, something that I could control when everything else seemed to be falling out around me. I made sure there was never anyone that could catch me. It became something to look forward to, something to keep me going: that secret, his energy. I could always count on him being there in the band parking lot leaning against his car and staring up at the deep September sky. Everything else around him seemed to disappear.

It was a Wednesday morning. I had just finished successfully brushing off Lily as I rounded the corner of the band building to see him standing there, as always. Aaron's face was flushed from the warm wind. It was the middle of September, but in Georgia the summer was no where near ending. When he saw me he waved.

"Raina," he smiled, predictably opening up the passenger's side door for me. "What do you want today?"

Aaron always bought my lunch for me, something I had found incredibly annoying at first, especially when he started talking about me needing to "eat for two now" and buying me more snacks than ever.

"I dunno," I shrugged, "I'm starving though."

"Well I'm up for anything from ice cream to pizza."

"Good 'cause we'll probably end up eating both," I grinned.

I had moved on from moodswings to food cravings. Sometimes I was so nauseous during my lunches I wouldn't even allow him to eat in front of me. Then other times I would be craving something random like a pickle so badly I would beg him to stop at the store for it. Then we would eat straight out of the jar with plastic forks.

Usually we spent most of the lunch hour just driving around listening to cds and chatting about our days. Aaron was the one who did most of the talking. I loved hearing everything he had to say about school, Leah and church. He asked me, without fail every single Wednesday, if I wanted to go with him to the service that night. But I always said no, making up some stupid excuse on the spot. It was a game we played. I knew what he would ask and he knew what I would say. But neither of us ever stopped.

"You're hanging out with me tonight right?" he asked as we pulled out of the school parking lot.

"I have an appointment," I said.

The excuse was actually true for once. Dr. Clark was seeing me at the clinic right after school.

"Service starts at seven. You can make that."

I could, easily. But the last thing I needed was a bunch of conservative religious fanatics breathing down my neck about being pregnant, especially by a guy like Nathan. No. Life was hard, but I wasn't a masochist yet.

"No thanks," I shrugged.

"Leah would like you. I already know you have a lot in common," he shrugged.

I put my hand in front of my mouth so I could pass off my scoff as a sneeze. Me and Leah. Right. She was Perfect Church Girl, probably had never done anything wrong in her life, the sort of person God Himself would seek out.

"I'm sure we do, but I've got so much to do today."

"All right. Next week then," Aaron smiled.

"Sure." right

I hated to admit that the whole church thing intrigued me in an embarrassing, guilty-pleasure sort of way. I was curious about how Aaron had magically changed so many of his beliefs overnight. At thirteen he'd had the world figured out, like a little kid who already knows how to do the magic tricks performed at his birthday party. When I first became friends with him he had never been wrong about anything. What had happened to make him lose his footing? I wanted to know the answer but I couldn't risk going out with him at any time other than lunch, especially to somewhere like church. If Nathan found out I knew there would be dire consequences.

Three weeks had passed, and he had not gotten better. He hadn't stopped taking the drugs. He hadn't stopped hurting himself. If anything he had gotten worse. I tried to press him to find out what was wrong but he never even admitted that anything was, let alone what it was.

After the night he'd forced himself on me, Nathan treated me so kindly I felt almost guilty. And he hurt himself I think to make it up to me, to show me that he knew it wasn't right, to show me that he was suffering too for the thing he had done to me. That was just the way I looked at it. Nathan hated himself for hurting me and always found various ways to punish himself to relieve the guilt. Though I was still terrified to fall asleep, I knew that he would never do it again. It was something understood between us, something I could see the proof of whenever I looked at his arms.

I wished I could get inside his head and figure out what was bothering him so much, because something told me it was the baby. After all. . . I had not noticed him acting like this since I found out I was pregnant.

Whereas he cut himself and took drugs, he began to hurt me only where nobody could see. My back was a frequent target; never a fist, mostly just a shove or an open-handed slap. I learned when to expect it, that moment his eyes changed, the exact word or tone that would send him over the edge. But these were things that didn't seem to matter when they didn't leave marks. I forgot about them later when he held me, when we slept, when his eyes were blue.

Despite all the evidence to the contrary, I still liked to imagine that Nathan wanted the baby like I wanted the baby. Most nights after he hurt me he laid awake and smoked a cigarette and put his head against my stomach, kissing me there and saying how sorry he was, sometimes crying. I stroked his hair as he tried so hard to listen to her. He asked for her forgiveness.

The days were slipping by and I was becoming more and more pregnant with every passing hour. I wasn't showing yet, but I felt heavier. Nathan sensed it too and it scared him. I wanted to make things easier somehow, so I started suggesting going shopping together to look for cribs and clothes. The first few times he said no, but one rainy afternoon I somehow managed to get him into the car with me.

The entire second floor of Kid's Place was devoted to babies 0-24 months. We boarded the escalator and soon found ourselves in a forest of cribs, nurseries and clothing racks filled with shirts the size of handkerchiefs.

"We're the only ones up here," Nathan said. He whispered the words, as though he thought real babies were asleep in all the cribs.

"Yep," I said, "Come on."

I took his hand, and we weaved our way through the different nursery set-ups. All of the boy's rooms were blue and green, and you could spot the girl's section from a mile away with the frothy pillars of pink lace billowing up from between the aisles.

"We don't even know what it is yet," Nathan said, "What if it's a boy and we buy him girl stuff? That'll scar a kid for life."

I laughed. "There's gotta be some kind of gender-neutral area."

"Well there isn't. That's the point of waiting until the thing is born. All this baby stuff is-"

"Oh Nathan look!" I gasped, holding up a stuffed toy dog.

Nathan crossed his arms over his chest. "Don't you think you have enough toys, Rainy? We're shopping for the baby. Maybe for your birthday, honey."

I whacked him in the arm with the it.

"Ow! Hey! You didn't have to go there," he said, rubbing his shoulder.

"Oh I went there. And I'm going there again."

"Security! Mad woman on aisle four!" Nathan laughed, hurrying around the corner.

"You can't run from me!" I yelled. My voice cracked off the ceiling.

We were both laughing so hard we couldn't breathe. I caught up with Nathan somewhere between diapers and breast pumps and hit him in the head with the dog, which set off a tinkly version of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star from somewhere inside the fluff. The song kept getting louder and louder, and Nathan finally yanked me to him, laughing so hard his eyes were watering.

"Look what you done now! Make it stop before we get in trouble!"

"I can't!" I gasped, poking my finger into the toy's soft sides. "I think I broke it! It won't-"

"Excuse me," a voice said from behind us.

We whirled around, and I quickly threw the dog behind my back. A saleswoman with frizzy blond hair was glaring at us, her eyebrows furled down into a point.

"Do you need any help?"

I glanced at Nathan, and he grinned at me, his face red from suppressed laughter. "Um. . . nope. We're fine-"

"Actually," I said, elbowing him in the ribs. "We were wondering if you had maybe a. . . I dunno. . . a gender-neutral area?"

The woman smiled slowly. "Too early to tell huh?"

"Yep," I said, blushing.

"Right this way."

She motioned for us to follow her to the opposite end of the department.

"After you my dear," Nathan said when we were alone in the aisle.

"Uh. . . no way. You first."

"You are the one with the weapon," he said defensively.

I stuffed the toy dog onto one of the shelves and held up my hands. "Surrender."

"Mm hm. Right." He held two fingers to his eyes and then pointed at me. "Watching you, Rainy. Watching you."

Nathan took my hand and we blazed a path through breast pumps and strollers, through pumpkin Halloween costumes and baby bottles, through rattler toys and rainbow rows of knitted booties.

The moment I saw the nursery set-up in one of the corners, I fell in love with it. There was a rocking chair underneath a fake window, a changing table next to it. A white crib was pushed to one side. On the walls were big blankets shaped like smiling moons and stars and over the crib spun a Mobil with planets hanging from it. The room was small and simple, but I knew we could probably only afford the crib.

"This is adorable," I told the woman, grinning from ear to ear.

"Yes, most people like this set-up because it works for both genders," she said.

I took Nathan's hand and pulled him over to the crib. It was filled with blankets, rows of pale yellow stars stitched on all the edges. I looked down and saw a pile of stuffed animals, soft rabbits and dogs with sleepy faces. I could just imagine seeing our baby nestled there.

"Can't you picture it?" I smiled.

Nathan didn't answer me. He was just staring into the crib, his face white.

"I wanna leave, Raina. Now," he said firmly.

"Now? But I wanna ask about the price-"

"I said now!"

His voice was shaking. I had never seen him look so terrified. Nathan grabbed my hand and pulled me away, and I could feel his heartbeat through his palm.

"Sorry! We'll be back!" I called to the woman.

But we never came back. Nathan threw up in the men's bathroom downstairs and when he came out his face was the color of sour milk. It was raining outside, and he couldn't get the key into the lock for almost a whole minute because his hands were shaking so bad. Inside the car it was deathly quiet. Neither of us had to say it: we were going home, we were never shopping for the baby again.

-

I was afraid to move. After awhile I was afraid to do anything, afraid to set him off. It seemed the littlest things could make him snap in those days. My timing was one of them. He hated me being late after I came home from work. I would have to run from Lily's car to the door, not sparing a second. If the traffic was bad I itched helplessly in the passenger's seat while Lily rolled her eyes. And then I would bolt up the stairs ready for my punishment, needing it somehow just to get it over with.

There was always this second right after he hit me, when he would just stare at me, his eyes blinking. That moment they changed back to Blue. He would look at me on the floor, horrified, like he couldn't believe what he had done. I wanted to reach out to him and tell him it was okay. I wanted to tell him I wasn't angry. . . it wasn't his fault.

"Raina. . . Rainy I'm so sorry. Please get up," he would say, tears in his eyes.

I couldn't stand him looking at me like that. No matter how much it hurt me, I would pull myself to my feet and wrap him in my arms and hold him like my heart was broken.

We started attempting to plan our trip to the ocean, but something always came up. On the first weekend Nathan had a huge government test that he couldn't get out of studying for. The next weekend someone was sick at work and I had to cover for them. And finally on the third weekend it was raining so hard that parts of Ashton flooded. Each weekend that went by there was always something in the way, but Nathan would just smile at me.

"Oh well. . . Waiting gives me more time to plan," he would whisper against my ear.

He never told me what he was planning, just that he had something important to say to me that he couldn't say here. I didn't push it. When he talked about the ocean it was one of the only times that the sadness in his eyes seemed far away. I longed to see it dissolve in my hands.

-

The sky was pearly gray and ready for rain as Aaron and I climbed into his car on another Wednesday afternoon. Already three weeks in, I looked forward to going to lunch with him more than I looked forward to anything else in my day. There was something peaceful about my time with Aaron, like when I was with him I could step off the battlefield of my life for just a second and let someone else do the fighting.

I never told him about the dark times, when I was lying awake with a black eye or a fat lip, Nathan's head on my stomach as we both cried. Aaron didn't need to know. No, nobody did. It was our secret, our battle. I was almost possessive of it.

"You're hanging out with me tonight right?" he asked predictably.

It had started to rain. Water misted over the windshield like dandelion fluff.

"Sorry, I got a project to work on with Lily. Our group has to reenact a scene from Hamlet in front of the class tomorrow."

"To be or not to be," Aaron said dramatically.

"Not quite. I'm Ophelia, post watery death."

"Ouch," he chuckled.

"Yep. I get to lie on the floor with a bunch of flowers all over me, dead. No lines, no nothing."

"Sounds like a party. So. . . to practice being dead, or to come with me tonight and have some fun. That is the question."

"Aaron, I told them I'd be there."

"Let them put a block of wood in your place. They'll never know the difference. Please," he said, lowering his gray eyes. "Pretty please. I promise you'll have fun. I want you to meet everyone, Chris and Leah and-"

"Church and Fun? Those two words are not allowed in the same sentence."

The few vague memories I had of being in church involved itchy dresses and sweltering, sticky Easter Sundays spent wishing I could be anywhere else. I wasn't about to put myself through that again, not even for Aaron.

"It's not church. I mean, not like you think of church. There's none of that Sunday morning old people hymn stuff. It's just a bunch of high school and college kids hanging out and worshiping God."

"When did you get into all this God stuff anyway?"

Aaron laughed out loud as we rolled to a stop in front of a red light.

"What's so funny?" I demanded.

"Nothin'. I just love how you always refer to God as 'stuff'."

"I'm serious," I said, "One minute you're the Atheist Boy Genius and the next you're the Apostle Paul."

"Interesting choice. Paul used to persecute Christians you know."

"Yeah and then he was magically different overnight, just like you. I don't get how that works. You can't change who you are."

"Well I can tell you it's not magic and it's not science and it's not human will. It's just God."

"Right."

"I'm serious. There are some things people can't change no matter how hard they try. Who you are is one of them. Only God can do that."

"That's pretty scary you know, God sneaking into your mind and changing you while you're not even aware of it. What if you like who you are?"

"He doesn't change you unless you ask Him to," Aaron said, "Unless you really want it. And trust me, He knows if you really want it."

"I don't," I said firmly, then blushed when I realized how defensive I sounded.

"Well you don't have to listen to the sermon or even stay the whole time. I just want you to meet Leah," Aaron said.

Something pricked in my heart, like I had accidentally stepped on a piece of glass. Every time he said her name it happened.

"Some other time," I whispered.

-

After Nathan and I went to bed that night, I laid awake for two hours thinking about Aaron's face. It wasn't the first time. He had been on my mind for days now. Images of his smile flitted across my thoughts at the most random and uncomfortable times. It was always when I was with Nathan, when we were talking, when we were kissing, even when we were making love. I felt so terrible about it, but there was something inside of me that fluttered to life when I was around Aaron, some sort of energy I'd never been aware that I possessed before. I couldn't help but crave it.

But I didn't still have feelings for him. I couldn't still have feelings for him. . . right?

Just after midnight I slid out of Nathan's arms and out of the apartment, down the stairs to Melissa's door. I didn't know what had possessed me, just that I wanted to talk to her more than anybody else in the whole world. I couldn't even tell Lily about this. She wouldn't get it. To her Aaron had always been just a friend, nothing more, not even the possibility of something more.

But I was feeling myself being drawn to him, or something in him, so strongly that it was scaring me. He was like a tide, coming back and forth everyday and taking me out to sea as my feet slipped helplessly on the sandy bottom.

It was late and a weeknight, but I figured it didn't matter and tapped lightly on Melissa's door, hoping I wasn't waking Arielle. When I was about to give up and head back upstairs, the rusty hinges finally squeaked open. Melissa was there squinting her eyes, wearing a bathrobe. I hadn't talked to her in more than two weeks.

"Raina!" she gasped.

"Hi," I smiled.

"Are you hurt? Are you okay? What are you doing here?"

"Oh. . . nothing," I shrugged, suddenly feeling stupid. I was so sick of everyone I knew assuming I was talking to them just because Nathan had hurt me. "Sorry. Nevermind. I just wanted to chat, but I can-"

"Well come in," she said with a sleepy smile. "Now that I'm good and awake and scared out of my wits."

I followed her inside. The apartment was the same as it was the last day I had been here, after that first time Nathan slapped me. There were still piles of Arielle's toys on the floor, illuminated by the dull light of the street lamp that hung on a pole outside. Like that first day, I sat down at the table as she bustled around the kitchen, trying to keep quiet.

Melissa made me hot mint tea. As I sipped it gratefully I realized I was telling her everything without even pausing for a breath. It felt so wonderful to get it out of my head, all that had happened. I was telling her about the baby and shopping for cribs and Nathan hitting me and Aaron. . . this new Aaron who made me angry and intrigued and alive all at the same time. Melissa just listened with her eyebrows furled.

"Well, Raina," she sighed, a strange dark look on her face. "A baby. Wow. . ."

"I know," I shrugged, "And I'm scared. Freaked out. But not as much as Nathan. He just. . . can barely deal with it. Tell me, did it get better after you had Arielle?"

Melissa pursed her lips, looking thoughtful, and the dark look had vanished before I could figure out what it meant.

"I wish I could say that it did, Raina. But it didn't. She's the reason I left. I didn't want her seeing that. . . Children always know. No matter how hard the mother tries to hide it. They always know."

"Yeah," I said with a shiver.

I thought about Nathan, the way he watched from the hallway when he was little, watched him beating her, scared to step in, scared to stay still. I thought about Annabelle Rose. Maybe she was already watching from inside of me, not understanding what it meant when he raised his hand to me. I wondered if Nathan's mother had tried to pretend it wasn't happening. Maybe that's why it had hurt him so badly.

"You need to be careful," Melissa whispered, bringing me back to reality. "Be careful about this boy Aaron. I know he's your friend, but he's got a girlfriend and you've got a boyfriend. And be careful about the baby too, Raina. Babies are very fragile."

"You don't think he'd-" I broke off, disgusted with what she was implying.

"I'm not saying he'd mean to," she sighed heavily, seeing the look on my face. "But yeah I'm saying he could. Just be careful okay?"

I nodded, taking a sip of my tea. "Thanks," I shrugged without meaning it.

"Come back any time. It gets boring watching tv alone and Arielle misses you like crazy. You and your little kitten."

I laughed. "I'll come over more often and I'll bring Cosmos. I feel a lot better now."

Melissa smiled sadly. "You may feel better but I sure don't. You don't know how much I've worried, Raina. Just keep me posted okay?"

I nodded and finished off the last of my mint tea. It was lukewarm. I choked it down mostly out of tact before waving a goodbye to her at the foot of the stairs.

I headed back up to our apartment still feeling heavy, thinking about Aaron. No, I couldn't have feelings for him again. It wasn't love that I felt. . . just something like it, something that was pulling me to him with all the intensity of lust yet with the indescribable desire of something much bigger.

I needed to be near Nathan. Even if I couldn't sleep I needed to be next to him, to feel him, to know he was there and the same: my safe place. I crept barefoot across the thin carpet to our bed. He looked so beautiful when he slept. It was the only time he seemed peaceful. . . no sadness, no worry. I slid into the covers without making much noise. His eyes moved behind his eyelids, watching the dreams he always tried to forget. I curled up next to him in the darkness, and he moved closer to me in his sleep.

Chapter Seventeen

Fri, 19 Jan 2007 04:01:57 GMT

As soon as I hung up the phone I started packing a bag. My mind was racing. What did I need? What should I bring? I would have to come back to the apartment to get the rest of my stuff, I knew that much. But I was too scared to stay there another night with Nathan. What if it happened again? Was I going to have to start sleeping with my eyes open or sleeping on the couch with Cosmos?

In my closet was one of my biggest purses, a striped summer beach-bag big enough to hold a week's worth of clothing. I stuffed a pair of jeans, some underwear and a few shirts into it, then I grabbed my toothbrush out of the bathroom.

Plans began to race through my mind. After I met Aaron at the mall I would tell him that me and Lily had something planned for the night and that I had to leave early. He wouldn't catch on to anything. Besides, it would get me out of having to spend an uncomfortable afternoon with him. And once I got to Lily's I would tell her everything and she would take me to a motel. Hopefully I would never have to see Aaron again and Nathan would be different by the time I came back. It wasn't flawless, but it had to work.

I got dressed and painted layers and layers of makeup on my face, trying to cover up the bruises and in the process creating a mask fit for a stage performance. The marks from the week before were already fading, so that part was easy. I wished that I could cover up the fact that I was still scared, that it hurt when I walked, that I felt sick when I looked at myself in the mirror.

Nathan was eating breakfast at the table when I came into the kitchen. The radio was on and the balcony doors were open, and I thought about that day with the pancakes. It seemed like a really long time ago.

"Who was that on the phone?" he asked. I could tell that he wasn't angry, just curious. By then I could read Nathan's moods like a map to him.

"This guy I used to know. We went to elementary school together before he moved away."

"Oh," he said, and he nodded at my purse. "Where you goin'?"

"Out with Lily. She needs some new shoes."

"Needs?"

Nathan and I grinned at each other. We were both painfully aware of Lily's shopping addiction.

"Yeah, yeah. Okay she wants some new shoes."

Nathan stood up and tossed his empty cereal bowl into the sink. The glass clattered like a car wreck, making me flinch as he walked over to me. "Where you goin' with that huge purse? Parachuting later or something?"

"Ha ha," I said, rolling my eyes. "If you must know, beach purses are in."

"In huh?"

Nathan kissed me on the forehead and gently pulled me against his chest so I could feel the rhythm of his heart. For the first time in days there was nothing to fear.

"I'm really sorry for the way I've treated you lately," he murmured against my hair.

"It's okay."

"No. No it isn't okay," he whispered, "Go out with Lily and have fun. When you come home we can rent a movie or something, get some dinner, take your mind off all this. I know how hard it's been on you with the baby and everything."

I relaxed my muscles and put my head against his chest, and I thought about the clothes folded up in my bag, the wad of money in the corner on my pocket. Guilt seared through me like a hot knife. I didn't want to leave. . . I didn't want to. I just wanted him to be okay again. But what choice did I have? Maybe Nathan would get help while I was gone and we could start over with the baby, like a family. A baby would change everything for the better; surely he wouldn't hurt me with our child around.

"I've got an important question," Nathan said softly.

"Oh yeah? What's that?"

"Do you think it'll be a boy or a girl?" he asked.

I turned my eyes to the ceiling in thought as Nathan kissed my shoulder, softly working his way up my neck like a caterpillar. "I don't know."

"Because we need," he said, running his tongue over the place where my pulse was, "A name."

I didn't answer, just put my hand on the back of his head and held him close to me, relishing in the feeling. Nathan swayed with me in the kitchen like he had that night at the concert, when it was just the two of us on the empty dance floor. And we were the world.

"Rainy you seem a little weird today."

"I'm fine," I sighed, "You'd be acting weird too if you had to run to the bathroom and throw up every five minutes."

Nathan drew in a breath as though he had something to say, then thought better of it. I watched as he put his hand against my stomach. The heat of it ran through me, shocking me; I hadn't expected his hand to be so warm. He bit his lip and ran his fingers around my bellybutton like he was drawing a circle of protection on my skin. There was a strange, far away look on his face as he stared at me. Hypnotizing me.

"It's hard to imagine it's in there. Can you feel it ever?" he whispered. "Does it ever move?"

There was an innocent, boyish naivety in the question that made me smile.

"Well. . . sometimes. Sort of a tingling. I think I imagine it mostly. It's pretty quiet as far as I can tell."

"It'll be a girl," he sighed.

"Hey at least we know she's peaceful."

Nathan's heart was beating faster, pittering like soft rain against my ear. Being that close to him I could almost hear his soul. I snuggled against the warmth of his body and closed my eyes.

"Hey Rainy?" he asked.

"Mm?"

"You wanna go to the ocean before the summer's over? I was just thinkin'. . . maybe your huge beach-bag needs a real beach to go with it."

"What?"

I looked up and studied his face. I knew very well that we couldn't afford a vacation, even a day trip. How would we pay for gas and a hotel? And how could we both afford to miss work? Every single hour we spent on the clock was crucial to our survival.

Nathan spoke as if reading my mind. "Well it's not much of a drive, just a couple hours. You could get off school for a few days or we could go on the weekend after we've saved some extra money. Just the two of us. Get a hotel and go swimming and all that stuff. I've got so much to say to you, Rainy. . . so much," he breathed.

I pictured the gray surf. My father had taken me to the ocean only once when I was about two years old. The photos of me in my bathing suit with the sailboat on the front are all white sky and gray water, broken shells and the sea stretching out as far as heaven stretched. I missed the smoky smell of the beaches and the way the salt water stayed on your skin like fairy dust.

"What do you have to say?" I asked curiously.

"Stuff. . ."

"Stuff," I repeated, "Sounds exciting."

"Well the thing is, it's sort of important and-"

"Nathan I was just messing with you. Of course I'll go to the ocean with you," I smiled.

Nathan grinned and kissed me on the lips, his hand still against the place where Annabelle Rose was sleeping. He tasted soft like milk. It was just the two of us in the kitchen, my bare feet against the floor where I could feel grains of salt that had fallen there, edging between my toes like sand. I thought of the ocean. . . Something ignited in my veins. I wanted to swim naked with him in the surf.

"This baby will be as beautiful as you," Nathan whispered.

Our kisses turned passionate when he pressed himself against me. I moved back against the counter in response and tangled my fingers in his hair. A cup and spoon clattered to the floor as I wrapped one of my legs around him like a vine. He was exactly what I wanted and needed at that moment. I loved everything about him, from his eyes to the way he smelled like baby powder and cigarettes. He was so electric and unaware. This was what I had missed the most in that time I had stopped speaking to him: the way he touched me, the love I could feel when he touched me.

Nathan held my face in his hands and ran his fingers over every line, memorizing me and storing the pictures in his head. He touched my eyes and my nose and my mouth, and I kissed his fingertips one by one. For a second his hand lingered there, and before I could stop myself or know what was happening I had a terrible flashback of the night before.

It happened in an instant. Suddenly I was there again, trapped with the pain burning so badly, the confusion and disbelief. I couldn't breathe. I felt his body on top of mine, his hand over my mouth. Tears were filling my eyes. Had it been a dream? I pushed Nathan's hands away gently.

"Nathan. . . last night," I began.

"Yeah?" he whispered, kissing my forehead now, sounding utterly distracted.

"What happened? I mean, why did you. . ."

"Why did I what?"

Nathan's blue eyes were hypnotizing me. They had a habit of doing that whenever I wanted to talk to him about something important. They led me astray from the topic, as far as he wanted me to go.

"You know. . . when I woke up and you were. . ."

"Asleep?"

"No!" I sighed angrily, trying to remain focused.

"Listen Rainy I slept pretty good last night. . . maybe you were dreaming. I know I didn't wake up. Was I talking in my sleep or something?"

I shook my head. My lips were trembling. There is no feeling, none at all, like having obvious truths denied to your face. It is like someone plunging a fist into your stomach, making you dizzy as you try to convince yourself of what you know is right. But at the same time you begin to doubt. What you know becomes merely what you think.

Maybe it wasn't the truth. Maybe I was going crazy. Maybe the baby was messing up my head. It was common knowledge that I had been having a lot of moodswings lately. But. . . how could I explain the pain I still felt?

"I'm sorry," I said, without really knowing why.

Nathan touched my face, his eyes sad. He swallowed like he wanted to say something else. I waited hungrily in the silence, but it never came.

"It's okay, Beautiful," he murmured, and I knew that if we both wanted it we could believe it.

"Nathan?"

"Yeah?" he whispered.

"I'm going to go now. I love you." I don't know when I'll be back.

"I love you too."

-

At exactly three o'clock with my bruises carefully disguised, I was waiting at the fountain's edge, the place where I had agreed to meet Aaron. There were three big jets in the middle of the tiled basin, and every half hour they shot thirty feet into the air. It had happened once already; he was five minutes late. Children were starting to gather around again, waiting to shriek and dance as the water shot up past the second level. Far above me I could see the white sky resting against the ceiling windows. The sun was warm on the top of my head.

I was nervous about the lie I had told Nathan, and I was even more nervous about seeing Aaron for the first time in five years. There were butterflies filling my stomach but I was trying not to show them or feel them since Aaron had always had the ability to see right through me. And I didn't want him to know. I didn't want him to see what Nathan had done to me, what I had let him do. I didn't want him to see all the sadness, all the fear, the drugs, the cuts, the bruises, the pregnancy. There were secrets I kept for myself, but there were other secrets I kept just for me and Nathan. . . great valleys of silence.

My thoughts were broken when something hard landed at my feet with a plinking sound. I squinted in the sunlight as I looked down to see a shiny penny on the tile between my feet. It was the color of Arielle's hair, reddish orange and glowing like a sunset.

"That's the best one I had, so use it well," a voice said from behind me.

I knew that voice. I turned around slowly and saw Aaron smiling at me, tucking his wallet into the back pocket of his jeans. He looked different, much different then I remembered. His glasses were gone, he was taller, his blond hair was longer and darker and messier. And his eyes. . . what was it? There was something different about his eyes.

I had expected myself to be nervous, but all the fear and guilt of five years fell off of me like a cape as I grinned and ran to him. When he threw his arms around me it felt like we had just done this yesterday. Aaron smelled like cologne and summer sweat, a soft sweet smell that covered me like a cool sheet. He hugged me so hard that my feet left the floor. We stayed in that position for a long time. Then he stood back and held me at arms length like an old relative would do, squinting his eyes as he took in my features.

"Let me look at you. . . funny. You're just like a bigger version of yourself. Raina 2.0!"

"You're not. You look totally different! Where are your glasses?" I said breathlessly.

Aaron grinned. "Contacts. But don't worry I'm still a nerd on the inside."

"Something else is different too. What is it? Oh I've got it! You've lost your accent! Aaron, you've turned into a- a yankee."

Aaron threw his head back and laughed. I could feel the sound reaching up to the second floor windows, filling the whole place like a flood of water. "A yankee?! Oh that's great. I see you are still the most random person I know, Raina."

"I try," I grinned. "So where's the snow?"

"Excuse me?"

I crossed my arms over my chest. "Don't tell me you forgot. You promised me you would bring back some snow in a freezer."

Aaron shrugged. "I'll blame global warming this time. Next time you can smack me for forgetting 'kay?"

"Excuses, excuses," I said, rolling my eyes.

"Anyway Raina, about that penny. It was the shiniest one I had in my wallet, a 2005. You want to make a good wish with that one."

"Don't tell me you still make wishes on pennies."

Aaron smiled nonchalantly and turned his eyes to the ceiling. "Me? Of course not. I'm just humoring you, kid."

I held the coin tightly in my hand, stamping the face of Abraham Lincoln into my palm. I wish for a change, I thought. Then I turned and threw the penny as hard as I could into the fountain's bubbling center. I held my breath and waited, but the water spray was blocking my view and the children running around made it hard to focus.

"Oh I didn't see where it went! Man. . ." I sighed.

Aaron shrugged. "Don't worry, it still comes true even if it doesn't get in the middle. You just have to wait a little longer for it. That's one of the rules."

"You just made that up," I said, putting my hands on my hips.

He grinned at me. "You don't know."

"Loser."

"Simpleton."

"Ha!" I yelled, pointing at his face. "I know what that word means now! You can no longer use it against me."

"Sure I can. I just did."

I rolled my eyes. "I'd slap you if I hadn't talked to you in years. Where were you all this time anyway?"

Aaron shrugged, his eyes far away. "I don't know. Time just went by so fast. . . Anyway, I'm starving. You eaten?"

"No."

"Let's go someplace then."

-

We ate lunch at the McDonalds on the second level. I had enough money in my wallet for my own food, but Aaron insisted on paying for me at the register. I was glad and didn't put up too much of an argument. After all, I knew that I needed everything I had if I was going to be staying in a motel for a few days.

The two of us found a table at the back of the food court, right on the edge so that we could look down into the mall and see the fountain shimmering like a mirror.

"So," I said, setting down my greasy hamburger.

"So?" Aaron replied.

"So what's been up? How's life? What are you studying at NEU?"

"Astronomy. Minoring in Physics."

"Of course," I grinned, "Only you would minor in something like physics. I hate you, you know that?"

"Hey I told you I was still a nerd on the inside," he chuckled.

Aaron playfully watched me until I had to look away. I kept trying to figure out what was different about his eyes, but every time I got close it disappeared again, darting away into the shadows like a dragonfly.

"Got a girlfriend?" I asked.

"I do. Her name's Leah."

My stomach turned at this news, but I had no idea why. After all, we had grown up; I was with Nathan now. It had been five whole years. Of course he would have moved on too.

"Oh yeah? Where'd you meet?" I asked, trying to sound interested even though I was starting to feel a little queasy.

Aaron took a sip of his drink and cleared his throat. "At church when I first got here a couple months ago. She sings in the band."

Church? This was news to me. Aaron had told me he'd given up on God at age ten, whenever he figured out that you couldn't prove His existence scientifically. Aaron always used to say that if you couldn't perceive something with your five senses, there was no proof that it was there at all. "Of course it's up for debate. After all, you can't prove He isn't there either," he'd told me, "But as for me I'm gonna believe it when I see it."

"I thought you were skeptical about that stuff," I said softly.

Aaron furled his eyebrows as he shook the McDonald's bag, trying to get the fries out of the bottom. "Stuff?"

"You know. Church, God, religion in general."

"I was," he said simply, in a way that told me he wanted to drop the subject.

Aaron took another bite of his hamburger, and I stole glances at him from over the top of my drink, catching in bits and pieces this new image of him. He had changed so much, something was so different. But what?

"So what's she like?" I asked, when the silence was getting uncomfortable.

"Leah? Oh she's funny, talented, nice. We've only been together a couple weeks. And what about you? Who was that guy who answered the phone this morning?"

I blushed as I unconsciously moved my hand over my stomach. "That's Nathan. We've been together since the summer started."

"And what's Nathan like?"

I thought about his face, aching for him in all the deepest places like his absence was a crippling loss. That was the moment I realized I couldn't leave him. I was going to have to go back to the apartment. We belonged with each other. If only I could fix everything that had gone wrong, surely I could if I tried a little harder, if I gave it a few more weeks.

"Nathan," I sighed. What could I say? How could I even begin? "He's like. . . he's like my other half."

Aaron smiled, but the smile looked forced. "You're happy with him then?"

"Yeah I'm happy with him," I said, blushing. "Actually I'm sort of. . . I'm sort of pregnant."

Aaron looked up at me and raised his eyebrows, a fry dangling in front of his open mouth. "'Sort of' pregnant? Well that sounds like a medical miracle to me."

"I am pregnant. There's no 'sort of' about it," I laughed.

Aaron grinned and tossed the fry onto the table, no hint of judgment or even shock on his face. That was the moment I realized I had been worried.

"Wow, Raina. Oh wow. That's really awesome! Congratulations!"

I laughed out loud. He was happier about my own baby than I was. Aaron's reaction made me feel excited too. Why had I been so miserable and scared about it anyway? I'd always wanted children. There was so much to do; this would be fun. I wanted to pick out cribs and baby clothes and little socks. And now Nathan knew. He was okay with it and everything. What was there to be afraid of? I was really going to be a mother. Joy seized me for the first time in weeks, starting in the pit of my stomach and filling my whole chest. A child would change our lives, would fix our relationship, would heal Nathan's scars.

"Thanks. I know."

Aaron stood up and tossed what was left of his food into the trashcan. "We gotta celebrate, and I know just the place."

-

The science museum had hardly changed since we'd stopped taking field trips there at the beginning of high school. There was the big dinosaur skeleton and the molecule jungle gym. It smelled the same too, like metal and something clean. Aaron had insisted on paying for my ticket, and as soon as we were admitted we had checked the planetarium show times first. There was a show at 5:30, the last one of the day. It was 4:45.

"So this baby. . . you excited?" Aaron asked, walking with me through the mirror maze to kill time.

I could see our reflections all around, like an army of us. He had been right behind me when we walked into the entrance, but I kept losing him and talking to his image instead. The maze wasn't very big, but it had always been twisting and confusing and scary to me.

I blushed and turned around and around in a circle, trying to keep up with him. "I don't know. Yes, I guess so."

"What are you gonna name it?"

The answer was automatic. "Annabelle Rose."

Something warm brushed my back. I whirled around, seeing a small child with a sticky blue mouth sucking on rock candy from the gift shop. When I looked up again Aaron's reflections were joining together like shapes in a kaleidoscope, then separating. I turned and spotted another cluster to my right. Four different images grinned mischievously at me.

"Pretty. What's it from?"

Up ahead I saw the flash of his brown coat, but when I hurried around the corner it turned out to be just another mirror. I was starting to get frustrated.

"Well, I got Annabelle from a poem we read in English class. I keep it in my wallet. It's called Annabel Lee."

"I've read it," Aaron said, "And what about Rose?"

It was then that I felt his warm hand on the small of my back. I turned around, accidentally walking backwards into one of the cold mirrors. After seeing him in so many reflections, the real thing was somehow jarring.

"I don't know," I blushed, "It's hard to explain."

"And if it's a boy?"

I looked away from Aaron and watched the carpet instead; his gaze was too intense. Whatever was in his eyes, it was big enough to look right through me and fill the entire room.

When I looked up again after a few seconds I found myself outside of the maze, in front of a row of aquariums in the main part of the museum.

I had not even thought of boys' names. Good thing I had Aaron around to give me advice, because I knew Nathan probably wouldn't like talking about the baby. No matter how happy he pretended to be, I knew the truth. He wanted it because I wanted it. He had let me keep it not because he was scared of losing the baby, but because he was scared of losing me.

"I don't know. What do you like?"

"I like a strong name, the name of someone who changed history."

"Like Einstein?"

Aaron grinned, climbing out of the maze behind me. "Yeah. Like Einstein."

-

The 5:30 planetarium show was almost completely empty. There was a family with a couple of kids sitting in front of us and one or two other people off to the sides. Aaron and I sat in the back row whispering before it started. The gray domed ceiling seemed close, like a bubble about to burst in our faces.

"Remember Antares?" I asked.

Aaron grinned, his teeth flashing in the darkness. "Yep. I had to think of something to say to you 'cause I always liked you."

"Really? Why?"

He shrugged. The lights were slowly beginning to dim, and an announcement was being made about finding your seats.

"Honestly I don't know. I mean, it wasn't your looks or attitude or something. It was just the way you carried yourself. I thought I could talk to you about cool stuff and you might understand. Other girls in our class weren't like that."

I blushed, glad for the cover of darkness. But a question was still pressing on my heart. It had been there ever since that first phone call and the message he had left on our machine that morning. Now I had to know.

"You're so smart you probably could have gotten a full scholarship to anywhere. Harvard, Yale. . . Why did you come back to Georgia, Aaron? There's nothing here but bugs."

He didn't answer me for so long I thought he hadn't heard. He was just staring at the blank ceiling, his eyes still.

"Someone told me I needed to come back here, but I don't know why yet."

My stomach turned. Lily? My father? No. . . Like me, they'd had no idea where Aaron had been all this time.

"Who told you?"

"It was a feeling I had, Raina. But sometimes that's the only way I hear it," Aaron said softly.

"Hear what?"

"God's voice."

It was then that the stars appeared suddenly above us and a voice came out over the speakers, explaining the highlighted constellations and which ones we could see at this time of the year. Antares was bright, like the flame of a candle. And suddenly I forgot all about what had happened the night before. I forgot about Annabelle Rose and Nathan's fists; I forgot about my escape plan. And I was just thirteen again with Aaron before any of it had happened, safe and hidden in the darkness of the planetarium.

Chapter Sixteen

Wed, 10 Jan 2007 02:08:03 GMT

It was a warm, sunny Friday afternoon as I trudged across the parking lot of the apartment complex, wanting nothing more than to go up to bed and sleep. Bella hadn't needed me and Lily at the shop that day and had told us to take off for the night. "It's Friday. You're young, go out, have fun," she had said, smiling and shooing us out the door.

I didn't tell her that I felt anything but young and that I would miss hiding behind my counter at work, folding clothes and avoiding reality. For days I had been tired all over, sleeping more than usual, never wanting to get out of bed. Everything ached. If it wasn't my stomach, it was my head or my back or my neck. I couldn't escape from the thought of my condition, and it was getting harder and harder to pretend I was okay. I fell asleep in class nearly every afternoon, and sometimes even getting out of bed in the mornings was enough to make me vomit. But I was determined to keep Nathan in the dark about the baby.

He was usually at work until five, so I was surprised to see his car in the parking lot at three-fifty. I feared the worst: he had lost his job, his mother had died, something had happened with the band. My mouth went dry as I flew up the stairs and burst through the unlocked door, out of breath and still dizzy from the bout of morning sickness I had suffered at school that day.

He was sitting at the table with his head in his hands, staring down at something. The apartment was absolutely silent and still except for the clock ticking next to our Oceans calendar. Cosmos was sitting on the table by Nathan's elbow giving herself a bath, and they both flinched when the door crashed open. I choked on my words, immediately knowing something was wrong just by the way he sat there. Craning my neck, I edged around on my tiptoes so I could see what he was looking at.

My stomach turned. It was the empty pregnancy test box. Why hadn't I thrown it away? It had been hidden under our bed for almost three weeks now.

"Shut the door," Nathan whispered, and his voice made me jump.

Dizzy, I pushed the door closed and let my head rest against the cool wood as I tried to recover my balance. Outside I could hear the sound of children running up and down the metal stairs, laughter and the dull thump of their bare feet. I wondered if Arielle was one of them.

"So it's true is it?" Nathan asked. He still wouldn't look at me; his voice was trembling. The hurt I could hear in it made me ache.

"Nathan. . ."

My eyes had filled with tears. I just wanted to hold him, but I was afraid; his voice was dangerous.

"I'm not really sure yet."

It was another lie, but I would have done anything to save myself. Nathan sighed and chuckled softly, but I could tell he thought none of this was funny.

"Such a liar. You are such a liar," I heard him mumble, shaking his head.

"It's not that. . ."

"I'm getting sick of hearing your voice. Don't say anything else," he whispered warningly.

Nathan stood up from the table and grabbed the keys out of the bowl by the door. He wouldn't even look at me.

"Where are you going?" I asked, reaching out to touch him.

"Out," he snapped, and he yanked his arm away from me.

I watch him stuff the small cardboard box into his pocket. His body was shaking with rage but it was obvious he was trying hard to control it.

"Nathan please. It's not really a lie," I whispered against my better judgment.

In one lightening movement he had turned and pinned me against the wall by my neck. I saw nothing but a terrible blur of Black. My back hit the wall and the doorknob cut into my spine until the pain made my eyes water. I couldn't breathe or scream as I scratched helplessly at his hands. The first thought that came to me was that he was killing me; I was going to die.

"I told you to SHUT UP!" he hissed, and he shoved me again, my head colliding with the door. "You liar! I'll break your neck if you tell me another lie!"

My eyelids were fluttering and the room was darkening from the lack of oxygen. That was when he realized how badly he was hurting me and released my neck. His hands pressed into my shoulders now, keeping me from moving. I was still pinned against the wall. My throat felt like someone had folded it into thirds and fourths, and my neck was burning. It was hard to breathe normally again even though I was choking and gasping for air.

"I heard it from Finn, who heard it from Lily, who heard it from you."

Nathan said the last part through gritted teeth, his eyes filling with tears. He looked away from me so I wouldn't see him crying.

"I meant to tell you," I choked, beginning to cry myself.

"Shut up!"

He released my shoulders and backhanded me across the face. The blow was so sudden I didn't have time to defend myself in any way. The impact flung me against the table, where a terrified Cosmos was hiding underneath one of the chairs. My elbow slammed into the hard plastic corner, but I didn't cry out at the shot of pain. Instead I sunk to the floor, trembling and tasting blood. It was my lip that was bleeding, though most of the blow had landed on my eye.

"What'd you think?! I'd never find out?" he screamed. "Get up, Raina! GET UP! You're acting like a BABY!"

Nathan was sobbing as he reached down and took my shoulders, shaking me hard. I could barely hear him. I had put my arms up to protect my face, and there was a loud ringing in my ears. I tried to stand up, but he grabbed my arm and yanked me forward, dragging me on my knees.

"I knew you'd find out. I wanted to wait for the right time! Please stop Nathan!" I cried.

"Oh so when you lied to me that night, it just wasn't the right time then? Oh that makes it okay doesn't it?"

"Nathan I'm sorry," I whimpered. I could feel the blood crawling down my chin.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he mimicked in a high squeaky voice, "Yeah, you sure are sorry. You make me sick sometimes you know that?"

His words dripped like poison. I closed my eyes, afraid to show him that I was crying.

"You'd better get rid of it," he said, dropping my wrist and letting me crumple back against the table.

Something in his voice was different, calmer, smoother, so I stole a glance up at him. Nathan was rubbing his face, tears coming out of his own eyes. Suddenly he didn't seem scary anymore. . . He was just a little boy, and I felt sorry for him.

"We don't have the money," I whispered.

"Ask your dad or something. I'll ask my mom."

"You want them to know?"

"What does it matter since I'm pretty much the last one to know anyway right? And it's my own kid! It doesn't matter who knows anymore!"

"I want to keep it," I murmured.

I didn't know if I had let the words come out or not, because up until that moment I had not realized just how badly I wanted to keep the baby.

"What?"

I gathered my courage and spoke again. "I want- I want to keep it."

"Rainy," Nathan sighed, "We don't know anything about kids. I can't be a father. And you. . . you are still in high school. It was a mistake, let's let it end as a mistake."

"I love her," I whispered fearlessly.

"Who?"

"The baby."

"It's not a her! It doesn't even have a gender yet! It's just- just a thing!"

He moved his hands in a circle, trying to show me what a "thing" looked like. But he was the one who didn't understand. In my mind she was human. The only thing she lacked was a voice of her own.

When I didn't reply, Nathan sat down next to me on the floor. He reached out but I flinched and turned my head away.

"Don't touch me," I snapped, eyes flashing. "Don't you dare touch me."

I could see the shock on his face. He had clearly not expected me to fight back.

"I'm sorry, Raina."

"I'm sorry too. Sorry that I should have left a month ago!"

I pulled myself to my feet and grabbed my purse from off the counter. I was running on nothing but anger, my mind clear for the first time in weeks. But Nathan stood up and took my arm and yanked me back to him.

When I looked up at him, his eyes darkened like a blood stain. "Where are you going to go, Raina? This oughta be good. Tell me. Where're you gonna go? Back to your daddy's house? You think he's really gonna be so understanding about all this?"

I let my gaze fall to the floor in shame. Tears pricked my eyes.

"Leave me alone," I whispered.

"No. I wanna hear your spectacular plan. I wanna hear how an eighteen year old is gonna raise a baby in the back of a car. Oh wait, you don't even have a car do you? So I guess it'll be-"

"Shut up!" I hissed, pulling away from him, tears running down my face. He knew exactly which words would snap the fragile bridge of hope like a thread.

"You think Lily's gonna want you to stay with her? 'Cause I've seen what a great friend she's been to you lately. And who else is there? You think you can do this by yourself, Raina? 'Cause you can't."

It was then that Cosmos finally decided to come out of hiding and softly mewed up at us, wondering if it was alright now. I picked her up and held her small body close, the only thing that could comfort me at that moment.

"It's not a thing. It's my baby," I said calmly, taking in a gulp of air.

"Well guess what? It's mine too! Go ahead and do it alone, Raina. I'll watch, it'll be funny. I'd just like to see you try for one week."

I felt blood fall from my lip onto the collar of my shirt, and I held my hand under my chin. The taste of metal filled my mouth.

"I told you I would leave if you did it again," I murmured, lowering my eyes. I didn't feel strong or determined or brave anymore.

"Go ahead. What's stopping you?" he smirked.

There I was again inside the glass cage. Somehow, some way, I always ended up here with him. Nathan and I glared at each other. Our eyes were like two fires trying to put each other out; the heat engulfed me. Then his gaze softened into Blue as he touched my face.

"Not now, Raina. Maybe someday. Not now," he told me gently, "We have all the time in the world for kids. There'll be others but not now. . ."

He didn't seem to understand that now was all I had to cling to. I wasn't Bonnie; I couldn't see my future and I didn't want to know it. I just wanted my baby here with me now. The tears poured from my eyes. I was sicker than I had been in a long time, but for once it wasn't from nausea or headaches. It was something inside me, inside my very soul, something twisted up. My face was stinging where he had hit me. Where could I go? What could I do? What would happen to me when the baby came? There was no where for me in the entire world.

"Oh Raina," Nathan sighed, his eyes so sad. They looked like they did on that first night he'd hit me, when he was telling me about his father. "I'm sorry, but you'll see it's for the best."

I couldn't manage a reply. All I could find myself doing was sputtering in pain before I ran out of the apartment. At first I didn't know where I was going, but it soon became apparent to me that I was heading for the payphone.

It was like a blur. The children who had been playing on the stairs watched me in silent fascination. The sun was white and low in the sky, and the spicy scent of early autumn hung in the air like something baking. It was the hottest part of the day.

Past Melissa's door, past the laundromat, past the vending machines and the splintered benches in the courtyard. When I reached the payphone I let myself collapse onto my knees. The concrete burned me through my jeans, but I didn't care. I didn't dial my father's number because I had no money and no words. I could only hold onto the phone, collapsing under the weight of my sobs, hoping someone would magically be there on the other end, someone to save me. I couldn't face going home because I couldn't face myself.

Hours passed and Nathan came looking for me as the sun went down. When he found me, he wept.

-

I didn't speak to Nathan for five days after he hit me. I avoided him. I slept so far over on my side of the bed that most of the time I was pinned against the wall. He tried to tell me he was sorry, but it didn't change anything. When he touched me I flinched.

"Won't you talk to me, Raina?" he asked the next morning with tears in his eyes.

But I didn't talk to him. I didn't talk to him when he brought me roses that night, when he told me I could keep the baby, when he sunk to his knees and kissed my hands.

I covered up the bruise with makeup. This one was much worse than the last. It swelled up around my eye and made it painful to blink. The skin there was shiny, swollen and dark red. Lily noticed of course, but I told her the whole story the next day anyway.

"Why did you tell Adam Finn?" I asked as we sat in English class. I was both furious and grateful that the secret no longer sat in my chest like a stone.

"I didn't think he would tell Nathan!" she said defensively.

"He's his best friend, Lily! Just put the pieces together for once will you?"

"I'm sorry, Raina."

I shook my head. "Just forget it. It's already over."

I prayed that she wouldn't say next what we were both thinking, but she did.

"You were never going to have the courage to tell him yourself."

"I want to stop talking about this," I said firmly.

"Well I gotta know one more thing. Are you getting an abortion?" she asked, her voice hushed as Mr. Rodriguez passed by our desks.

We were supposed to be reading about Hamlet, the only other person I felt had more problems than me at that moment, but I couldn't concentrate on deciphering the difficult language.

I lowered my eyes and shook my head. Abortion. That word pricked me like a needle. I didn't want to think about it: Annabelle Rose shrinking slowly, slowly until there was nothing left of her, never knowing what life was really like, only death. I was her mother. From the moment of conception she trusted me and loved me far above any other human being on the planet. I couldn't betray her like that. . . could I?

"Let's just not talk about this anymore, Lily."

-

After that day we didn't speak about the baby unless I brought it up, which I did with less and less frequency. I wanted to believe it wasn't real.

I came home from work every night with tears in my eyes, dreading having to see Nathan. He wasn't doing good either. He wasn't sleeping and he was barely eating. He hadn't acted like this since before the first time he hit me, when he was completely strung out on Phentermine. But at least then he'd found the energy to work on my painting or practice with the band. He couldn't seem to do anything now except stare into space.

One thing I noticed was the absence of Phentermine, at least the energy and excitement that had characterized the high. He just didn't seem to be taking them as much. But in their place I found other things: a bottle of Valium with his mother's name on the prescription, three other bottles of drugs with labels I couldn't pronounce, pills of all sizes and shapes and colors, a literal rainbow of them in our bathroom drawer.

I knew he felt terrible, but giving him the silent treatment was the only revenge I could muster the courage for. He took a few days off from work and school after he'd hit me, telling me he had only done it because of all the stress he was under. He would get caught up on his sleep and be as good as new. That's what he kept telling me anyway. I didn't try to persuade him to stop taking the drugs, which were the real problem.

It was the middle of the night when I finally broke down and spoke to him again. Five days of silence had gone by. At three-thirteen a.m. I awoke to the sound of him crying. Dazed from my spot pinned against the wall, I reached across the gap of sheets. I reached for him in the darkness, needing to hold him.

"Nathan," I whispered hoarsely, touching his back, the hard knobs of his spine. And suddenly I realized how much I needed him.

Without any hesitation he turned and threw his arms around me, crying into my hair. I let my eyes trail over him. He was so thin I could feel his bones. There were gashes on his arms, scabs and cigarette burns, some of them new and flaming red and infected. My stomach twisted at the sight. Why hadn't I seen this before? Was this the reason he had been wearing long sleeves?

"Nathan, what happened? What happened to your arms?"

He didn't answer me. Out of the corner of my eye I saw he was holding the pregnancy test box he had shoved into his pocket that day he'd hit me. I'd thought he had thrown it away, but he was clutching it tightly enough to turn his knuckles white, like it was his only hope. The box was crushed, faded and torn in places. Somehow I knew that this wasn't the first night this had happened; it was just the first night I'd woken up.

"You can keep the baby, Rainy. I'm sorry. . . I'm so sorry," he sobbed against me, his body shaking. "I hate myself for doing this to you! I'm just scared. . . I don't know what to do. I'm not like you. I don't know how to be a father! What if I'm like him?"

"Shh," I whispered.

As I held him I ran my hands through his dark hair. Nathan clung to me harder. I could feel the corner of the small cardboard box cutting into my lower back, but I didn't push him away. I needed to be close to him at that moment. I needed to touch those gashes on his arms, heal them somehow.

"Oh Raina. . . I love you. Something's wrong with me. I don't know what's wrong! I wish I was dead! You'd be so much happier without me. What can I do to make it up to you? What can I do? I'll do anything!"

I closed my eyes as I kissed his head. This, I thought, You've already made it up to me.

"Shh. . . Nathan" I breathed.

He planted a sloppy kiss on my cheek and took in shuddering gulps of air as he tried to speak.

"I need you. . . I need you. Please hold me," he kept saying.

But I was holding him. Couldn't he feel it? I had never seen him like this; something was horribly wrong.

"It's okay," I said.

Nathan held me harder, sobbing against me, clutching me so tightly I could barely breathe with the box digging into my skin. I felt my own eyes filling with tears as I gently pushed at him, trying to put some space in between us before he finally released me from his arms.

I wasn't free for long though. Nathan rolled me onto my back and started kissing me, light feathery kisses all over my face. I turned away from him, gently pushing at his chest. I wanted to go back to sleep, I wanted things to be okay again, I wanted him to be okay again. I didn't like this.

"Nathan, just go to sleep. We'll talk in the morning okay?" I said breathlessly, before he cut off my words with another kiss.

"Rainy," he choked, "I need you. . . please."

I tried to push him off of me, but I was half asleep and dazed. The harder I pushed the harder he pressed down on me.

"You don't love me and I don't blame you. I'm disgusting! I'm worthless! I wish I was dead," he was sobbing. I could feel his heartbeat racing.

"Nathan stop," I said, feeling panicked. "Stop it! What's wrong with you?"

"Shh," he told me.

And then his hand covered my mouth so I couldn't breathe or speak. What was happening? What was wrong with him?

"I need you, Rainy. You have no idea. I love you more than anything! I love you more than Oisin loved Niamh! I can't live without you!"

My arms were pinned at my sides by the weight of his body. I was trapped like an animal. Tears still clung to his eyelashes as he pulled up the slip I had worn to bed and took off my underwear. My head was swimming with sleep and confusion. My first instinct was to fight, but there was another part of me. . . the part that told me I was okay, this was Nathan, it was all normal. We had made love a thousand times and this was just a thousand and one. . . right?

I squirmed a little, trying to tell him to stop. Maybe he thought I wanted him to. If that wasn't it then what was it? What was happening?

"Stop moving," he said, "Just hold still, sweetie."

I whimpered, trying to free myself. I couldn't breathe. In less than a second he had forced my legs open and pushed himself inside of me, his hand still over my mouth. I wasn't ready for him and it hurt, but I couldn't tell him to stop. I couldn't push him off of me. My eyes were filling with tears as I tried to stay calm.

"Rainy you're so pretty. Please tell me you love me," he sobbed, "Please say you love me! It's hell without you. Nothing is real but you. . . I need you. . . please."

There was something frantic in his voice, something desperate, like a part of him had come undone. He held the pregnancy test box next to my head. I caught glimpses of it out of the corner of my eye but I couldn't move my neck. His hand was still over my mouth. He buried his face in my hair, pushing and pushing. It hurt so badly. I stared at the ceiling with my mind in a daze. This wasn't happening, it wasn't happening. In the morning I would know it was a dream.

"Rainy. . ." Nathan whimpered, "I'm sorry. . . I'm so sorry. Please forgive me!"

I couldn't cry. The pain in his voice reached around my neck and choked me. I didn't know how long it went on. He pushed harder and faster than he ever had before. Usually he was so gentle with me. . . but not that night. When it was over I could feel his breath, harsh and hot and ragged on my neck. Both of us were shaking. I sputtered into the silence, gasping for air and trying to understand what had just happened.

I tried to speak, but when I opened my mouth all I could do was cry. And in the sobs I could hear broken words and whimpers, like a film with parts missing. Nathan immediately pulled me to him and kissed me, rocking me against his chest.

"Shh," he said, "Rainy, it's okay. Don't cry."

My mouth hurt where he had pressed down too hard. "Nathan. . . " I whispered. It was the only word that would come out. My body burned, and my limbs felt like jelly. "What. . ."

I could feel his tears on my cheek. "Go to sleep, Raina," he said calmly.

Nathan smoothed my hair and held his hand against my forehead like he did that day he was checking for a fever. He kept the box in his hand. I touched it, and tears fell from his eyes onto my face.

"It's okay, sweetheart. It's all right now. . . I promise you. I love you so much, Beautiful. You mean everything in the world to me. I would die for you."

His voice was cracking with pain. I could tell he couldn't believe what he had just done. Fingers shaking, I reached down under the covers and pulled my underwear back on.

"I'm scared. I'm so scared, Nathan."

"I'm with you," he murmured.

-

It was raining the next morning, a soft light mist bringing the clouds in close to the ground. I stayed in bed late, curled up and staring blankly at the wall, trying to figure out why I felt so numb in my stomach. I couldn't cry anymore; my eyes felt drained and dry and sticky. All night I had laid awake, making plans of how I could escape from the apartment and get somewhere safe without Nathan finding out, then in the next moment trying to convince myself that what had happened had just been a dream. But I had not been able to. I didn't know why it had happened or if he meant for it to happen or what he was thinking. Mostly though, I didn't know what had happened. Nathan had not mentioned it when he got out of bed. In fact, he never mentioned it again.

My plan was simple. I would tell Nathan we needed something from the store, milk or bread. And he would leave, and I would get out of bed and pack my things and call Lily. She would pick me up and take me somewhere. . . I didn't know where anymore. I had enough money for a couple of nights in a motel. Hopefully by the time it ran out I would have another plan.

The phone rang twice in the kitchen, making me flinch and shattering the thoughts of my escape. On the third ring Nathan picked it up and opened the bedroom door and walked over to me. It was about ten-thirty in the morning.

"Sweetheart?" he whispered, gently touching my back. I tensed my sore muscles, terrified of him.

"What?"

"Someone's on the phone for you."

I rolled over and took the phone from Nathan's hand without looking at him, too scared to see his eyes. I waited until he left the room before putting it to my ear. I didn't want to talk to anyone. Surely the trembling in my voice would give it all away. Maybe I could just hold it to my ear and the answers would fall from it like raindrops.

"Hello?" I whispered.

"Raina?"

It was Aaron. My heart jumped into my throat. "Aaron. What is it?"

He paused. He had heard it, I was sure. He had heard the catch in my voice, like the shifting of notes in one of Nathan's songs. His silence told me he knew.

"Raina, I'd like to see you. Is that okay?"

It didn't sound like a question. I gently fingered the fading bruise on my cheek and thought about all that had happened. I wasn't the same Raina he had known when he was thirteen. I wasn't even sure of who I was anymore. "I don't know, Aaron."

"How about the mall. Today? Maybe three o'clock?"

I glanced over my shoulder, but I didn't see Nathan in the hallway. I couldn't move or get out of bed, but I had to go to work later, I had to clean the mess on the sheets and convince myself that it had all been a nightmare, I had to get dressed and do my homework and act like I was okay. I couldn't see Aaron. But when I opened my mouth to tell him no, I heard different words come out instead.

"Three o'clock. Okay."

Chapter Fifteen

Tue, 02 Jan 2007 05:22:27 GMT

My knees were cold against the tile of the bathroom floor and a dull pain shot through my legs as I stared into the toilet, waiting to vomit once again. My head was spinning and my eyes ached as hot tears rolled down my cheeks.

Aaron had called me. For the first time in five years I had heard his voice. It was too much. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to think or what to say or how to face Nathan. I just replayed his message over and over in my head, dissecting the sound of his voice and searching for the safety I'd once found there.

Nathan was knocking softly on the door. "Rainy? You okay in there?"

I coughed painfully into the toilet for the last time as my hand blindly reached for the flush handle. The water whooshed below me, taking everything away. Dazed, I fell back against the wall and wiped spit from my mouth with the back of my hand. I was sure there was nothing in me left to throw up.

"I'm okay," I said hoarsely.

Nathan gently pushed open the door just as I was pulling myself to my feet. Not looking at him, I stumbled to the sink to wash my mouth out with water.

"I probably ruined your breakfast," I said. I had meant it to be a joke, but the trembling in my voice made it sound more like an apology.

"You're crying," he whispered. Nathan touched the back of my hair, carefully, like I was an animal that might jerk away from him.

"I just don't feel good. PMS or something."

"Hey, it's okay. Why don't you stay home today?"

I shook my head, letting the tears fall from my eyelashes. "I've at least gotta go to work. We need the money."

"No," Nathan said gently, turning me around so that I had to look into his eyes. He pulled me against his chest. "Don't cry okay? It's all right. I can work something out, sweetie."

"Nathan," I whispered, burying my face in his neck. He smelled so comforting, like salt and heat, the smell of the sun.

"Shh," he said, stroking my hair. "Come on."

Nathan led me into the bedroom, where I sunk down into our tangle of blankets. He kissed my face and rubbed my back for a long time, even though we both knew he was late for class. I could feel the swish of his fingers up and down my t-shirt.

"Everything's fine," he said softly, "I promise you."

I sniffled and wiped away a lone tear. "You can make up the money?"

"Of course I can. Don't worry about it."

Nathan smoothed my hair off of my neck and smiled down at me. His hands were as cool as water, and I felt them pause at the base of my skull.

"You're hot. You have a little fever I think," he said quietly, "Stay home, Rainy. Get some sleep. You need anything? I can run up to the store and get you some Aspirin or Tylenol or somethin'."

I shook my head. "You better get going."

Nathan had started school two days later than me. He had classes from nine a.m. to noon every day of the week, and after that he headed off to work until five. I had school until three and worked with Lily from five to eight at the shop. We were barely scraping by each week but somehow we were managing, seeing each other whenever we could, stealing kisses behind closed doors.

"I don't feel right leaving you like this. . ."

"I'll be okay. Please, Nathan, just go."

It was torture having him there. I wanted to listen to Aaron's message again and somehow decode all that had happened in the last five minutes.

And there was something else I needed to do too. . . something I had been putting off for a week now, something that I dreaded. But after that morning I couldn't let it go on any longer. I
had to know.

Nathan pressed his lips to my forehead. I breathed him in, my mouth thirsty for the soft smoothness of his neck. And then he left, the mattress rising as he stood.

I waited until I heard the click of the lock in the door before I went out into the kitchen to replay Aaron's message. I was still a little dizzy and had to cling onto our kitchen table for support as his voice filled the silent apartment. Once, twice, three times. By the third time the shock had faded away, leaving in its place a stunned numbness.

I was starting to feel sick again. When I threw up a second time that morning, my entire chest burned with the sting of it. I was starting to hurt all over now. What was wrong with me? Hands shaking, I picked up the phone and dialed the only number I could think of.

"Hello?" Lily said. I could hear that she was driving, the wind rushing through her open window with a sound like a thousand twirling skirts.

"It's me."

"Raina, I know I'm late but I'm stuck in the worst traffic ever and-" I heard Lily honking the horn of her car. "Get out of the way, jerk! I don't have all day!" she yelled. "Anyway, like I said, it's a mess out here and-"

"Don't hurry. I'm not going to school today and neither are you."

"What's up?"

"I need your help with something."

-

Lily was holding the pregnancy test box in her lap, reading over the directions for the third time. It had been the cheapest kit we could find, on sale at the back of the drug store. "How late are you?" she asked.

"A week. Maybe a few days more."

She looked up at me with the scrutinizing eyes of a teacher. "And you're sick in the mornings?"

"No. Not in the mornings. I mean it's sort of all the time. That's why I think maybe it's something else, you know? Linda Sykes was coughing her head off next to me in history last week. I probably just caught something from her right?"

Lily raised her eyebrows. "So you've been late for a week and waited until now to take the test?"

I took the box from her, unable to meet her eyes. "A lot of stuff has been going on."

Lily threw up her hands. "That's it! It's stress! My period skipped a whole month when my grandma was in the hospital."

I looked down at the box, reading the letters, the promise of ninety-nine percent accuracy. And I wondered how I had gotten here. "I hope so."

"So get in there and take it."

My heart started to pound as I looked up at her, knowing that after I did this nothing was ever going to be the same again. "Lily?"

"What?"

"Aaron called me this morning."

"Aaron? Nerdy Aaron? Love-of-your-life Aaron?" Lily said, her eyes growing round.

"Yeah. He got the number from your mom. He's back in Georgia. . . going to NEU."

"Are you gonna see him?"

"I don't know," I shrugged, shaking my head. "I have so many questions. . . like, where was he all this time?"

"Probably pining away for you," Lily said, batting her eyelashes.

I narrowed my eyes at her. "Not funny."

"Raina, it was a joke."

"Yeah like I said. Not funny. Do you honestly think I'm up for that this morning?"

"Jeez. So-rry," she said, rolling her eyes. "Someone's moody today."

"What do you expect?" I said, walking into the kitchen and opening up the freezer.

I popped a piece of ice into my mouth and swirled it around with my tongue, trying to ease the burning in the back of my throat. "I'm with Nathan now. I just feel like this is going to mess everything up. Why did he have to call?"

"What's the big deal? He wanted to see an old friend."

"It came at the worst possible time. And now. . ." I glanced down at the pregnancy test box in my hands. "Well I think it's obvious that I've got enough to worry about without Aaron Norland coming back into the picture."

-

Positive. Cold sweat began to prickle on my forehead as the test confirmed my biggest fear. The room started to melt around me. I couldn't keep standing; the muscles in my legs had turned to silly putty. Slowly, slowly, I sunk down onto the floor and pulled my knees to my chest as I stared down at the pink strip, willing it to dissolve back into white. Positive. How could it be positive? We had been careful. This couldn't happen to me. This couldn't happen to me and Nathan.

When I walked outside and saw Lily sitting on the couch, all I could manage to do was nod my head. I was afraid of what might come out of my mouth if I tried to speak.

"Oh wow," she sighed, "Oh Raina. Didn't you guys use protection?"

"Condoms," I whispered, my voice hoarse.

"You're not on birth control? You're supposed to use birth con-"

"Lily I don't need a lecture! I didn't know okay?" I hid my face in my hands to cover the shameful tears that were forming in my eyes. "What am I gonna do? Seriously. . . what am I gonna do?"

"Tell Nathan."

"No," I said sharply, wiping my cheeks. "No way. He'll freak out. I'll think of something."

"Look, those tests are wrong all the time. Go to a real doctor and then you can get worried okay?"

I nodded, a spark of hope igniting in my stomach. "Yeah. . . I mean, it could be wrong right?"

"Of course," Lily said, "I've had at least three scares, and I've been having sex a lot longer than you have. You want me to go with you?"

"No. I'll make an appointment. I just really want to be alone right now okay?" I said.

"Sure," she replied, "I'll be here for you, Raina."

The words sounded empty and echoing to me, like being in a house after someone moves out. That was when I realized that me and Lily were different, inexplicably different after the lie I had told. I had created a chasm between us and now I knew I was on my own. After she left I sunk down onto the couch, too scared to cry.

-

The doctor's office smelled like a church, a purple thick smell of flowers and fruit and leather. It looked like a church too, all dark wood and red. The colors were making my head swim like the screeching opening bands at Nathan's shows.

I was waiting. Actually I had been waiting for almost twenty minutes now. The nurse at the front counter had told me to come in here to hear my results. And the second I saw the room, the big brown desk and the box of tissues, I knew that this wasn't the place where they tell you to go home, you're fine, it was all a bad dream. No. This was the place where they tell you that your life has just been ripped out from under you.

"Yep," the doctor said when she walked in. She sat down in front of me, smiling, her teeth straight and white. "You're about four weeks along. Everything looks fine."

I bit my lip and stared down at my hands. I could have argued with the cheap pregnancy test box on sale at the drug store. But I could not argue with this doctor and her perfect teeth and her certificates plastered along the walls. I could not tell her to take the results back, that there had been a mistake.

"I take it this isn't good news," she said softly.

I started to shake my head, but instead tears began to come into my eyes. "I'm sorry," I said, reaching for the Kleenex box on the edge of her desk

"That's all right. It's perfectly understandable."

I took in a deep breath. I was being selfish. So many women wanted this. I tried to be happy for her, I tried to smile, I tried to tell her it was good news, I tried, I tried. I couldn't.

"I have no idea what I'm going to do."

"Are you in contact with the father?"

"We live together."

"Well you're under no obligation to tell him if you decide to terminate your pregnancy or-"

I shook my head. It was my first reaction but I knew it wouldn't be my last. Later on, the idea would seem like a good one. But for now I decided I would go with my instincts. "No. I'm sorry. . . I just. . . just don't believe in that."

"Okay, well you've got other options too. The two of you can talk it over together if you want. You can choose to carry the baby to term and then give it up for adoption or you can choose to-"

"Keep it," I said softly. The words felt like glass in my mouth.

"Well remember, you've got nine months to decide. I'd like to see you back here in a few weeks for a check up. Is that okay?"

"Yeah," I shrugged, "Sure."

-

For some reason, telling Nathan the truth didn't even cross my mind. During the days that followed he noticed something was wrong but couldn't seem to figure out what it was. He thought it was odd that I was so tired, that I had so many headaches all of the sudden and that I had to run out of the room whenever he smoked a cigarette because the smell made me nauseous. But if he asked questions I brushed it off as a mixture of stress and a stomach flu that was going around at school.

I knew Lily noticed something was wrong too. I had not told her about my trip to the clinic or the news from the doctor. But we were working evenings at the shop and seeing each other in class everyday. She saw me at my best and worst. In the mornings when I felt the sickest, we both had English IV with Mr. Rodriguez.

"What's up with you, Raina?" she asked me one night as we stood behind our counter at the shop: me ringing up customers, her Magic-Markering "Sale!" signs.

"Nothing," I sighed.

Lily lowered her voice. "He's not hitting you again is he?"

I sighed and shook my head. It was hard to imagine that just a few weeks ago, that had been my biggest problem. "Will you stop asking me that?"

"Well what is it then?"

We were interrupted by a customer, a slight look of impatience on her face as she thrust her purchases into my hands. I was glad for the interruption and took longer than usual to ring her up while I thought of excuses to make.

"School starting and everything. . . it's just stressful," I shrugged as the woman breezed away with her bags.

I could feel the sting of the lie run through me, like a burn.

"Is it the pregnancy test? Did you go to the doctor?" she asked.

I shook my head. "I got my period."

"Great! See I told you!" she smiled, "I figured you had when you didn't tell me anything, but I guess I was still a little worried."

"Well," I said, forcing a smile, "I guess there's nothing to worry about after all."

-

When I got out of Lily's car that night I didn't say goodbye. As I watched her small Honda turn right onto Gray Street, I paused at Melissa's door and let my knuckles hover over it for several seconds. If anyone would understand, it would be her. But no. . . it would just be another excuse for her to tell me how stupid I was. I was too proud to say I was sorry and too afraid that she wouldn't say it back.

With my heart beating fast, I turned and walked up the stairs to our apartment without looking back. I dug around for my keys in the dark and unlocked the door. Nathan was sprawled out on the couch in his boxer shorts. It was quiet. Cosmos was sleeping on his bare chest, the little kitten rising and falling with each breath he took. By then it had been a week since my doctors appointment. I watched him as he stroked Cosmos's tiny head and smoked a cigarette. If only he knew. . .

"Look at this," he smiled, reaching out for my hand as I walked past. "I think she likes me."

I chuckled. "What a Kodak moment. I'll get my camera."

"Don't you dare," he grinned.

I gently petted Cosmos, then kissed Nathan on the cheek.

"How was your day?" he asked.

"Okay. What about you?"

"Same as usual."

The smell of the cigarette was making my head swim. I had to get out of there and could already feel the familiar dizziness in the back of my head, my vision blurry and spotty.

"I guess I'm gonna take a shower before I go to bed," I shrugged, desperate to get out of the room.

Nathan reached out and gently took hold of my belt loops before I could leave.

"What's bothering you?" he asked when I turned around.

There was a look of nervousness in his eyes, bordering on fear.

"You're not. . ." his voice trailed off. "Rainy, just tell me if. . . Are you pregnant?"

I stared at Cosmos for a long time, then gently picked her up off his chest. She mewed softly in my arms as I shook my head. I realized what I had done in a split second. I was the world's biggest liar. He had asked me the question point-blank, and I had denied it to his face. What kind of a girlfriend was I?

"No," I whispered.

Nathan looked relieved, the fear in his eyes gone instantly. "Thank God. I noticed you seemed kind of weird lately. I was really freaked. I figured you would tell me something like that, but I still had to ask. I mean, you would tell me something like that right?"

It was like he knew. I couldn't look him in the eye. "Of course I'd tell you."

"Well in any case I'm glad you're not. Man that'd just be the end of everything wouldn't it?"

The end of everything. The words felt like a thousand tons of sand, burying me and smothering me in the darkness. I went into the bathroom and threw up until it hurt, until my chest burned. I had to get rid of it. . . but I didn't want to. I couldn't. How could I possibly live with myself afterwards? But was there another choice now?

My head was dizzy. I stood and took off all of my clothes and stared at my stomach. It looked the same as it always did, but something was different, something I couldn't see. A spark. It was working inside of me, forming into something new. And I couldn't do anything to stop it.

From what I had read on the internet at work, stealing searches on Google during break, my baby was now a ball of cells. It wasn't visible to the naked eye yet, but it was there. And inside the cells was a world of DNA. Our hair colors, our eyes, our smiles- threads of them coming together like a braid. I thought I could almost feel it: this tickling sensation in my stomach, this electricity.

Nathan appeared beside me in my reflection. He had thrown out the cigarette as if he'd known it had been bothering me. The same worried look was in his blue eyes. I imagined the baby with those pretty eyes, and I couldn't tell him the truth because my stomach had turned. He wrapped his arms around me from behind and kissed my neck.

"Nathan, what if I told you I knew something?"

"I'd say congratulations," he grinned.

I looked at us, our bare skin overlapping like ribbons, layers of pale pink and white. He was so close I was sure he could feel the tiny life inside just by touching me.

I rolled my eyes. "Apologize."

"I'm sorry," he murmured into my hair, "But you asked for it."

"You think I'm getting fat?"

"What?" he laughed.

I watched myself in the mirror, careful to see if my eyes gave anything away. I thought about the ball of cells, the rose unfolding inside of me.

"I don't know. . ."

"You're actually looking a little skinnier than usual."

"Really?"

He kissed the beck of my neck. "Why would I lie to you?"

The words stung me like a bullet, bringing me to my knees. I flinched and bit down on my lip.

"You wouldn't."

"Of course not."

Slowly I turned. Nathan's face was so different up close. I always noticed something new about it that I had never seen before, like the way his eyes changed colors when there was a shift in the weather. He pressed himself against me so I could feel his hot skin against mine. I gently kissed him on the mouth, needing him more than ever before. Me and the Rose. That's what I would name the baby if it was a girl: Annabelle Rose, after the ball of cells she once was inside of me. I would explain it to her, but she wouldn't understand. In my head I already saw what she looked like. She had Nathan's eyes and they were blue. Her skin was free of scars and pain, perfect like a slate wiped clean. She was mine, ours.

I looked into Nathan's eyes, willing him to understand, willing him to want the baby like I wanted the baby. His eyes were turning green that night. The weather was changing; rain was coming. When his eyes changed colors, I always knew.

I touched his lips with my fingers, and he shivered. "Nathan, I love you."

He smiled and touched my mouth too. "And I love you."

We showered together that night but we didn't make love. I was afraid of hurting the baby, but I told Nathan it was because I had a headache. In the shower, his hands were against my stomach like a weight as the warm water covered us. We kissed and held onto each other, but I wouldn't let him hold me tightly. I wanted to give her room to breathe. I imagined the baby there. Annabelle Rose. For now she was a secret; she was my secret. And the end of everything could be held off for a little longer if I kept her that way. . .

-

Lily and I started going to lunch together again, and slowly the iciness from a few weeks ago began to melt. She no longer asked me about Nathan and whether or not my papercuts were a cause for concern. I wanted to tell her about the baby, but I didn't know how she would react and I wasn't entirely sure I could trust her with such a secret. I knew that Lily would never gossip about me on purpose, but she tended to let her mouth run away with her.

Surprisingly the one person I seriously thought about telling was Melissa. I knew that she could give me the best advice I would hear. After her confession I felt a tight bond with her that I couldn't explain. But even so, I couldn't bring myself to go down there and apologize for ignoring her for weeks.

And other than her, I thought about telling Adam Finn and Lily and even Travis. They had started to come over more than ever. I couldn't decide if it was for practices or to check up on us. After all, there wasn't another show scheduled until October. There wasn't really a need to have as many practices as there seemed to be, or a need to have them at the apartment whenever Travis had a perfectly decent garage. But they were worried about me and I could tell. I knew that Lily had probably told Adam Finn about the real reason for the bruise on my cheek.

And then, finally, there was Aaron hanging like a frayed thread from the tangle of my thoughts. Nearly every day I thought about calling him back. I had finally built up the nerve to dial his whole number, and from there I was moving on to letting it ring and hanging up when I got an answer. I could never be sure who was on the other line, but I liked to think it was him, with homework in his lap, a telescope behind his head with all the stars rattling inside of it. In my head he was still thirteen years old with his eyes full of wisdom.

After a week of calling and hanging up, I finally found the courage to leave a message on his machine. "Hi!" I said in a voice too squeaky to be my own.

And then I laughed. I giggled. Even though I could clearly hear how stupid I sounded, I could not stop. "Aaron, hi. It's me Raina! You called remember? Oh man of course you remember. It was like a week ago. So anyway. . . Hi!"

I cringed. This was not working out. I was just about to hang up before I could do anymore damage, but then he was there.

"Raina?"

My heart began to pound. A few seconds earlier I'd had way too much to say. Now my mind was totally blank.

"You there?" he asked. I could hear him smiling.

"Aaron," I breathed, "Hi."

"Hi."

I didn't know where to go from there, so I said the only thing I could think of. "Hello."

"Yeah. Hello."

"So. . ."

"So how are you?" we asked at the same time.

"Fine," we answered, again at the same time. And then we laughed.

I felt so stupid. What could I say to him? I didn't remember what we'd talked about when we were kids. In fact I didn't remember what we'd ever had in common. And we had both probably changed so much since then anyway; even if I did remember it wouldn't have helped.

"I can't believe you called," I said.

"Yeah. It's been a long time."

"It has," I said.

We fell silent. I could hear him breathing softly into the phone, faint music on in the background. The sound of his breath was familiar and I thought about the warm smell of peanut butter in the planetarium that day. Yes, it had been a long time. Maybe it had been such a long time that we had nothing to say to each other anymore.

"Well anyway," I said, "Sorry to go so quickly, but I've really got stuff to work on right now and-"

"Raina wait. I-"

"Talk to you later, Aaron," I said, hanging up the phone before he could say any more.

-

Another long day went by, and school was the same as it always was. Suddenly graduation seemed like a minuscule speck of dust on the end of a long thread of "real" worries. I couldn't concentrate on anything anymore, nothing except the baby.

Lily and I were at work, on break when the secret finally spilled out. I was watching the empty street outside the shop, chewing bubblegum because it eased the throbbing in my head. The evening was closing in around me.

"Raina. . . " Lily sighed, and I was grateful to hear her voice. "I know something's up with you."

I shook my head, but she stared at me with her sharp knowing eyes anyway; she stared right through me. "I think I know what it is too."

"What?"

"It's Aaron right?"

I closed my eyes. In all that had happened, I had not even thought about calling Aaron back after the disastrous conversation we'd had a few days before. I didn't know how to face him. I knew it shouldn't have really mattered, but there it was in the back of my head anyway: he had graduated a year early. . . I was pregnant with a C average. What did we have to talk about anymore? I was ashamed of what I had become.

"That's the least of my worries."

"Well what is it then?"

I put my hand over my stomach, feeling the warmth buried there under the layers like a pearl. Every day, every minute, every second, it was changing form and becoming its own person. But it wasn't exciting or beautiful to me; it was horrifying.

"I can't tell him."

"Tell who what?"

I lowered my eyes to the sidewalk and kicked at a seed on the ground. "I can't tell Nathan that I'm pregnant."

Lily stared at me, her eyes wide. "Raina! You told me you got your period!"

"I lied," I shrugged.

"You went to the clinic?"

"Yep. A month along already."

What did it matter keeping it a secret anyway? I was tired of hiding and I couldn't do this forever. Unlike Aaron, I didn't have the strength.

Lily was silent. I wanted her to say something, anything. But I knew that we had never dealt with anything like this as friends.

"You've got to tell him," she said finally.

"Oh really? Jeez I didn't realize," I scoffed, and I felt bad as soon as I said it.

"Sorry," she whispered, "I just can't think of what to say."

I shook my head. "No. It's fine. I'm fine. Just don't say anything."

Tears came into my eyes as I spoke, and Lily did something she had never done before. She moved closer to me and put her arm around my shoulder and we watched the cars gliding by in the street, moving into the distance. For the first time in weeks, I didn't feel alone.

Chapter Fourteen

Tue, 26 Dec 2006 03:50:18 GMT

I reluctantly followed Melissa into her dark apartment. It was different being there on a Saturday. She was wearing shorts and flip-flops instead of her work clothes. Piles of Arielle's toys were spread out on the kitchen table and I could smell peanut butter and Kool-Aid, which made me think of Aaron.

"Shut the door," Melissa said softly, nodding her chin in my direction.

I kicked the door closed as she cracked open a can of Diet Pepsi from out of no where. The loud snap made me flinch, and I shook my head robotically when she offered me a sip.

"So. . ." Melissa began.

"So?" I said, raising my eyebrows.

"So how'd you get the shiner?"

"I told you."

"A lie. You told me a lie. A really bad lie too. You need to learn how to make up a good excuse, little girl."

A good excuse? Little girl? Anger began to simmer in my stomach. What did she know about it?

"I got in a fight," I shrugged, immediately justifying myself by thinking that it wasn't exactly a lie.

Melissa chuckled. "You? A fight? Wow that's hard to imagine. What was it over?"

"Something stupid. I don't know what."

As I said it I remembered falling onto the countertop the day before like a drop of paint on one of Nathan's canvases. It was then that I realized what I'd just said was true. I didn't know what the fight had been over. There was no reason at all. The realization shook me and terrified me in a way I couldn't explain. He could just turn around and hit me. . . for nothing.

"Why did he hit you?"

"Who?" I shot. "I didn't say who it was."

"I know Nathan hit you," Melissa said softly. "I know it. Now just admit it so we can move on."

"Fine. He did. So what? It was only one time."

Melissa stared at the ceiling and sighed deeply, the way she did sometimes when Arielle was giving her a migraine. "One time. . . that's what I said too. One time. Isn't it always just one time? I mean, before it's two times or three times or ten times right?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Arielle's father. A long time ago. Back when I was young and stupid, in love like you. He used to beat the crap out of me, and I made up the same bad excuses you're making up now. I hoped it would disappear. I hoped I would somehow be good enough for him. Well I learned something, Raina. I learned that life doesn't fall into place all by itself. It can't because it doesn't know how, and sitting around waiting for chaos to become order just ends up hurting you in the end."

"Nathan doesn't beat me," I said, my voice trembling. "You don't know. . . you don't know him at all."

"I do," she said firmly, "I do because I was you until I saw the light, until I realized he would never change and this was my only choice." She waved her hand around at the small apartment. "I had to give up a lot, Raina, but I'm happy now and so is my daughter. That's more important to me than anything I left behind."

"Well our relationship is different. We love each other. He just made a mistake," I whispered.

I could hear how stupid and typical and young I sounded, but I couldn't make her understand. I couldn't make her understand the way I felt when I watched him cry the night before, when I saw those scars, the way I felt when I drifted off in his arms. He wasn't a monster. He was just Nathan. . . my boyfriend, the guy who made me laugh, the guy I'd just made love to. Nothing was as black and white as she made it seem.

"Look at yourself, Raina. You're eighteen years old and a prisoner. Is that what you want for yourself? A bad cliché?"

"I want to be with him," I whispered, "Is it so bad to love somebody?"

"It is when they don't love you back enough to keep their fists off you."

I glared at her. "Jumping to conclusions is a bad habit, especially when you don't know anything about our situation."

Melissa threw up her hands. "Fine. Maybe he does love you. But hitting you isn't love. You've got to see that. Even an animal knows when it's being wronged."

"You don't know what he's been through. You don't know why-" I took in a sharp breath and closed my eyes. "Well anyway, he's never gonna do it again."

Melissa sighed loudly. "Raina, that's what they all say! How can I make you understand? They all have some sad story about how it happened to them or their mama or their pet hamster. Well I got a question. If it happened to him, why does he do it to you? It can't be because he remembers what it feels like to be beaten and humiliated. No, it's because he learned it. That's how he learned to treat people, and you can't change that no matter how pretty and perfect you try to be."

"I don't need your wisdom," I said coldly.

"Fine. Stay with him if you feel like you have to, but I don't want him around my daughter anymore," Melissa said firmly.

"You can't do that. Nathan loves Arielle."

"Raina, my kid has seen enough and been through enough already. I do not want her around him anymore."

The words were as cold as daggers. I glared at her, wishing I could say everything I was feeling and somehow make her understand. But I was too desperate to get out of her apartment to care about anything else.

"Arielle!" I called, "I'm leaving, sweetie!"

Arielle ran out of her bedroom, still clutching Cosmos in her hands. "Can you bring her down tomorrow? Please, Raina! Can you and Nathan come over tomorrow with Cosmos?"

I glanced at Melissa. "I don't know, honey. We'll figure something out."

I gently took Cosmos from her arms and held the little kitten close to me. Her body was so small it almost slipped between my fingers like black smoke.

My eyes were filling with tears. I wanted Nathan. I wanted to be in his arms again. I wanted to go up to the apartment and touch his face, look into his blue eyes, see the love for me there, make sure there was nothing wrong with him. I had to make sure that he wasn't a monster because I wanted to prove it to Melissa and to the doubt she had sewn inside of me.

"Raina, don't do this," Melissa said, "You do not have to do this. You don't owe him anything. He's going to make you think that you do, but you don't. He's gonna make you think that you can fix what happened to him when he was little, but you can't."

I was silent watching Arielle skip back into her bedroom, my eyes blurring helplessly. What if she was right?

"Are you listening?" Melissa asked.

"I'm listening."

"I can't stop you. You have to do that for yourself. I can only tell you where I've been. Hospitals. Shelters. A thousand nights at my mother's house, wishing I could just die to make it stop, feeling like I was less than a human being," she said, ticking off the places on her fingers. "You don't know what that's like yet but you will. I see how he treats you. I've seen it from the beginning, like you belong to him. He won't let you out of his sight. The only time you come visit me is when he's gone! Normal people don't live like that. . . You're already his puppet, Raina, and soon you'll be his punching bag."

"Are you done?" I asked coldly.

"I'm done," she said. Melissa's voice was sad.

I turned around and left the apartment with Cosmos in my arms. The warm evening smelled thick like smoke and gasoline. I saw the stairs in front of me leading up to our apartment, but instead I turned and walked left into the courtyard. Tears dripped down my chin and into Cosmos's black fur, and I could feel Melissa's eyes on my neck.

Where the sidewalk ended the grass was wet with sprinklers. It stuck to my feet and left pale green streaks across my ankles. I stopped at the fence and stared out at the freeway, where the soft orange lights were just beginning to glow in the dust. The cars moved like a flock of birds. Pressing my fingers into the chain-link barrier, I sobbed until I couldn't breathe.

-

Lily's aunt Bella was a round and cheerful woman who always seemed to have something to do. Her hair was a mess of blond ringlets and there were always a million pins, Post-Its, bracelets and strings hanging off her wrists. She met me at the door on my first day of work, flushed from chasing a shoplifter and mumbling about better security. When I told her what I was there for, her eyes lit up.

"Oh Raina! Oh thank goodness! I know this is supposed to be your orientation day, but I can use you right this second! Sarah Heart just quit on me this morning. No call, no nothing but a little Post-It note on my desk saying she was running off to get married to a guy she's known for three weeks. I've gotta stop hiring these stupid college girls. No offense, Raina."

"None taken."

She took me by the arm and led me into the small shop. It smelled like cinnamon inside, and women were clustered around racks of clothing, talking and laughing. I saw Lily already standing behind the counter, and she waved apathetically at me.

"We'll start you slow," Bella said, "Lily can show you how to work the register. You've worked a register before haven't you?"

"I worked in a grocery store for a few years," I shrugged.

"Great! Just great!" Bella smiled. She was always saying that, all the words together all the time with big exclamation points, even if nothing exciting was going on.

"Just smile and remember to greet people," she said, looking around the shop as if trying to think of further advice. But then she just shrugged. "Well I'm sorry but I've got a ton of work waiting for me in my office so I've gotta leave you two now. You'll be fine right?"

I smiled and nodded, secretly wondering if this ten foot walk to the register had been the extent of my training.

"Great! Just great!" she grinned, squeezing my hand.

I watched Bella hurry into the back room, stopping to chat with almost everyone she saw. And then it was just me alone in the center of the store, feeling awkward in my new black skirt and high heels.

"You can put your purse in the back room. There's some lockers," Lily said coldly. She pointed over her shoulder at an "Employees Only" sign.

I sighed. Lily had been like this ever since that morning after the concert when I had lied to her about my bruise. I had hoped she would have gotten over it by now, but it was obvious that this was going to be a long day.

There was no one in the back room, but someone had left a half-full cup of coffee from 7/11 on the floor. The yellow light was buzzing above my head like a moth as I put my purse into one of the lockers and clipped on the nametag Bella had made for me a few days earlier. She had spelled my name wrong: Reyna. Oh well. Then I took in a deep breath, fixed my hair, and went to work my first day at my new job.

Lily and I were silent as we folded shirts and marked price tags all that afternoon. Bella's Resale Shop only accepted the best used clothing. We had to sort through all of the new donations and throw out anything that looked worn, had a hole, or was not from a popular brand name. Preferably, we were supposed to choose things that still had a tag hanging off them. Realistically, most of the stuff had probably been buried in people's closets for years, and for every twenty shirts we sorted through, only one or two were usable. But after awhile I got into the hang of it and was able to work without asking Lily many questions. It was around two o'clock, just after our lunch break when she finally spoke to me.

"Raina, I can't do this anymore," she sighed out of no where, throwing down the shirt she was folding.

I laughed, glad that she had finally broken the silence. "Yeah this is pretty boring. We could get some music in here-"

"I'm not talking about the freaking shirt," she shot, "I'm talking about you."

The bruise had faded to nothing by then, just a small gray shadow. Nathan hadn't hit me since; he hadn't even yelled at me, he had been nothing but sweet. Of course Lily would be the one to pick at the scab of that terrible night when I hadn't even fully recovered from the wound yet.

"Why did you lie? I'm your best friend. . . at least I used to think I was. He hit you, and you lied about it," she said, her face reddening.

I rubbed the cool fabric of the shirt I was holding between my palms. I didn't know what to say to her, and all I knew was that I was tired of making up stories.

"I lied because I knew you would have gone crazy."

"Of course I would have!" she hissed, trying to keep her voice quiet as several customers looked over at us. "I care about you! And if some jerk is getting his kicks out of beating you up. . . Yeah, I'm sorry to inconvenience you but it pisses me off!"

"He isn't beating me up," I sighed angrily, "Why can't I make anyone understand that?"

"He hit you once, he'll do it again. And it'll be worse. It's fact, Raina. I'm not making it up. It's FACT. Don't you read the papers? Watch the news? Listen to Oprah?"

"Can we please stop talking about this?"

"Look, I know he's your first boyfriend since Aaron and I know you're afraid of losing him, but there are better guys out there. You're better than this."

"That's what you think it's about?" I said, my voice rising in anger. "Like I'm still that pathetic thirteen year old kid waiting around for Aaron? What does that make Nathan then? Some sort of worthless rebound date? I love him, Lily. I really love him. But I don't expect you to understand."

I was so angry I could hear my heart beating in my ears. How could she mention Aaron? How could she possibly assume that my relationship with Nathan had anything to do with him?

"I want to stop talking about this. Now," I said.

"No," Lily said firmly, "You know Adam Finn and Travis are worried too, about those pills he takes. We've all noticed he's on something, some kind of speed. It could be really dangerous, Raina. You can't trust people when they're on that stuff. They act crazy."

"He stopped taking them. Lily, it'll never happen again. . . and if it does I'll leave."

Leave. The word hit me like a blow to the head. Would I leave? The thought of being without Nathan was like a cold, icy hand wrapping around my throat. I didn't know why I had started to need and crave him so much. But I swallowed and kept up the act and let Lily believe what she wanted to believe.

-

The rest of the hot summer passed by without incident. I worked with Lily at the shop everyday in the mornings. She picked me up and drove me home in dead silence, and I continued to walk on eggshells around her.

But Nathan on the other hand was unbelievably sweet to me. They had given him more hours at his job, so there was more money than ever. We didn't have to worry about making the rent payment or the electric bill anymore. Even though Lily was still mad at me, things were good. They better than they ever had been before, and I couldn't help but feel happy.

Every night another part of the painting was filled in with pieces of broken glass. One day I purposefully broke my hand mirror when he was running short of pieces for my hair. The prospect of seven years of bad luck didn't phase me. There was only Nathan.

In the picture, Niamh looked more and more beautiful. . . but almost like something you would see behind a rope in a museum, trapped by the weight of all that glass. A prisoner. The faces in the background grew fainter and fainter and farther away. Nathan mixed the colors, making pale shades of gray for the hollow sockets of their eyes. The apartment was filled with the fumes of paint and I associated the smell with the emptiness I saw in their faces. Some days when he was gone I went to the painting and touched them. Their sorrow seeped through the rough canvas and into me.

"When do you think you'll be finished?" I asked him one night.

"When I'm finished," he'd said, smiling.

He was done with most of the body and the hair, but he was leaving the face and spent most nights avoiding working on it completely. He just kept saying it wasn't right.

"It looks beautiful as it is."

"Well it'll look more beautiful when I'm satisfied with it," he replied.

The truth was that I didn't want it to end. I loved those warm summer nights, watching him work for hours, talking about nothing, trading secrets like poetry. There was a hiddenness around them, a feeling that it was just us, that we were the only people in the world.

Nathan and I made love almost every day and talked endlessly of plans for the future. We were going to buy a house when we raised the money. Both of us wanted to live in the country, safely surrounded by woods on all sides. We even talked about getting married. He always blushed. "I'm going too fast. It's too early to say this stuff to you isn't it?" I would shake my head no, desperate for him to keep going. It was unbelievable. Over the years I had been forced to listen to Lily's constant lamenting about boys who didn't even stick around for the third date. But with Nathan. . . it was like he had come to me with my entire future in the palm of his hand, our future unfolding there like a pop-up book. It was everything I had ever wanted and more.

I didn't talk to Melissa much for the rest of the summer. Once I saw her washing clothes at the Laundromat, but I walked away before she could see me. I still stayed with Arielle in the afternoons waiting for Nathan on the front steps, but I tried to avoid Melissa at all costs. And if in the rare case we did talk, we never mentioned Nathan.

"Nathan!" Arielle yelled one afternoon when he came home from work. He was walking across the parking lot, and she started to run to him but Melissa took her hand before she could hop off the sidewalk.

"Come inside," she said roughly.

Every time I thought about making things right with Melissa, something like that would happen and all of my anger would bubble to the surface once again. "What was that about?" Nathan asked with his eyebrows furled. I just shook my head, too afraid to tell him the truth.

One day however, talking to Melissa was unavoidable. She cornered me as I came down the stairs with a load of laundry in my arms.

"How are things going?" she asked, that concerned look in her eyes.

"We're doing great," I answered flatly.

Arielle, who was with her and clutching her hand, cried and said she missed me and Nathan and Cosmos. I felt sick with guilt and told her that we would think of something. When was Melissa ever going to understand?

I couldn't believe that Nathan was the same guy who had slapped me. In fact I sort of convinced myself, just almost, that none of it had ever happened at all. He was so different, so wonderful. He didn't take the Phentermine anymore. Instead he wrote me songs and drew me pictures whenever he felt like he needed them. He told me it's all about changing the subject when you're trying to get over something, just think of something else, make yourself do something else and eventually the thought will dissolve. So he dove into work on my painting and practices with the band to make up for the show we missed. They came over almost everyday. It was great to have company other than Nathan. Sometimes Lily was with them, but she still never said much to me.

School was getting ready to start up and the summer was almost over. Nathan and I were both under stress. I was enrolled in mostly core classes for my senior year. Even when Aaron had been around to tutor me I had never had the best grades in the world, and I had no idea how I was going to force myself through my last year of high school. The pressure to graduate was already on me like a weight. Nathan enrolled in the community college, and we were both nervous about how we could juggle school and work at the same time. But we had to make it. I couldn't go back home.

I continued my regular trips to the payphone to hear my father's voice, but only once did I say something back to him. It was on the day that things started to get bad again, one week before school started. Nathan had picked me up for lunch from work as he normally did. But that day he was nervous and shaky. I knew he had taken those pills. I could see it in his eyes. . . the way he couldn't look at me.

"It's not a big deal. I just have a lot to do today," he kept telling me.

But I was hysterical. Taking the pills again was like taking me back to that time when he had hit me. It was like we had sealed our own fate. But worse than anything. . . it had broken my fantasies. It had made it real, the fact that he had slapped me. I had almost managed to convince myself that none of it had happened, and then there it was staring me in the face and destroying all of my hope.

"Why?" I kept shouting, "You told me you wouldn't!"

I knew I was pushing it, but I didn't know just how far I had gone until Nathan swerved the car across the two lanes of traffic. It was so sudden I gripped my door handle for support. I heard car horns blaring and brakes squealing, and I forced down the scream that had risen in my throat. We were headed for a cluster of bright trees on the side of the road. For a split second I thought he was going to kill us, drive us right into that thicket. But instead he swerved around just in time and we landed, somewhat lopsided on the shoulder of the highway, the car trembling and the engine sputtering.

Nathan grabbed me by the front of my shirt and pulled me to him. I let out a strangled sob, but I didn't dare try to pull away. He forced my chin up so I could look into his black eyes.

"Raina, stay out of my business," he said softly, "Just stay out."

His voice was dangerously low. In fact I would have preferred yelling to the smooth threat I heard in his words. I had expected him to hit me again, but he never did. My nose was running. I could feel how pathetic I looked, sobbing uncontrollably. It must have been the sight of this that caused him to release his hold on my shirt and shove me back into my seat.

We sat on the side of the highway for half an hour while I cried and he begged for my forgiveness. After that day a new bottle of Phentermine appeared beside my makeup in the bathroom drawer.

"Dad?" I had whispered into the phone, hearing the cicadas whirring around me.

"Raina? Thank God. . ." he said, "Are you okay? What were you trying to do to me all this time?"

"I miss you."

"Come home," he said, "Please, Raina. You sound miserable-"

I hung up the phone and ran back inside, where I curled onto our bed to wait for Nathan to come home. The prospect of seeing my father again had stirred up every bad feeling in my stomach, even worse than I had felt on the side of the highway.

That night was different, but Nathan tried to make it normal. He said he was sorry, that it would never happen again, that he hadn't known what he was doing.

"Rainy. . ." he had whispered so desperately against my ear that night. That was what broke me, the pleading in his voice. I felt myself melting. We made love that night, and it was like it was on the first night we ever did it: deliciously terrifying, a distant pain in the back of my mind. We held each other close as we drifted off to sleep.

-

It was raining one early morning as we were eating our breakfast in the kitchen, two weeks after school had started. I'd been feeling bad since I woke up and my stomach was swimming. The nausea had been going on for a few days now; it was just worse at certain times. But it was only the stress of school starting. Surely it was only stress.

"Rainy are you okay?" Nathan asked, gently touching my hair.

I shook my head. If there was a word to describe the feeling, it was gray. My stomach was churning and my vision was tunneling and everything I rested my eyes on made me feel sick. Everything just seemed so bright and big, like posters blown up to a hundred times their size.

"You've hardly eaten anything. Do you want some breakfast?"

I had been close to vomiting all morning, and when I glanced down at his bowl of cereal another cold wave of nausea ran over me. "No. I don't feel good. I'm just a little-"

The ringing of the phone split my words in half. Nathan glanced back at it and sighed. "This early it's probably some stupid sales call. Wanna get it?"

"It's probably nothing," I shrugged, "Let the machine pick it up."

Another ring, then another, and another. Persistent. My head was already throbbing and the loud noise was making me want to throw up. I was glad when the machine finally clicked on, our cheerful voices on the recording, then silence.

"Told you," Nathan sighed.

But then from out of no where there was a man's voice.

"Yeah, I'm calling for uh. . . Raina. Raina Larsen. This is-"

Silence once again. Then soft chuckling.

"Oh my gosh I can't believe I'm doing this. Raina, I got this number from Lily Hensen's mother. I guess you still hang out with her. Anyway, this is Aaron Norland. You probably don't remember me. Nerdy kid with glasses? I'm actually back in Georgia, and the first person I thought to call was you but I didn't have your number. Anyway. . ."

Nathan was staring at me, hard. And I was breathless, all the pains in my stomach and head suddenly forgotten as I stared intently at the machine, hanging off of his last word by my fingernails. Aaron's voice sounded different, deeper and fuller, but I could hear the familiarities too, that smooth flawless confidence he'd always possessed. It was the very thing that had pulled me to him in the beginning like a magnetic attraction of the opposites, my weakness and his strength.

Questions were spiraling inside my head. Why was he back? Why had he thought to call me? Did he know about me and Nathan? What did he look like now? Did he still know all about stars and planets and the theory of relativity?

"I'm gonna be going to NEU this semester. I'm still getting everything all settled and I'm actually staying with a buddy of mine, Chris. Hang on I'll give you the number."

I smiled inside. Aaron had always wanted to graduate a year early. He had finally done it. There was silence and a bit of rustling, then his voice again, saying the numbers and repeating them. I stored them away into my memory, keeping them close to my heart.

"Well this machine's probably gonna cut off soon. Call me. . . if you wanna hang out or catch up or whatever. I'll talk to you later, Raina."

I heard the click as Aaron hung up the phone. Nathan was still staring at me. He didn't look angry exactly, but I could clearly see fear in his eyes, just like I could feel the color draining from my own face.

"Who was that?" he asked.

I tried to speak but when I opened my mouth I felt something hot rising in the back of my throat. My vision began to tunnel. I stood and ran into the bathroom and threw up.

Chapter Thirteen

Thu, 21 Dec 2006 20:00:09 GMT

I woke up alone the next morning with hot sunlight pouring in onto the side of my face. In my sleep I reached for Nathan's body and felt that he was gone, but his place was still warm with light so I curled into it automatically. I felt like a baby in a womb.

Something crashed in the kitchen and a cabinet door shut with a bang. My eyes fluttered open. I could hear water running now and the sound of Nathan humming. A smile played at my lips as I recalled the night before: his hands touching me, the secrets and the whispers and his soft breath against the side of my face. Even the memory made me shiver.

It was hot. After a few seconds I threw the covers off so I could breathe deeply again. That summer the days heated up like an iron, flattening out the landscape by noon. Heatwaves rose off the pavement like bodies in the surf. You could feel it all before you opened your eyes. You could taste it.

I had fallen asleep the night before, still in Nathan's arms, just as the sky lightened to gray. That must have been hours ago. His digital watch was beside me on the nightstand where he always kept it, and I saw that the numbers read ten-thirty a.m. Ten-thirty on a Saturday morning. We had the rest of the day all to ourselves, something that was becomming rarer and rarer with Nathan working so hard and the shows every weekend. I stood up and stretched my arms behind my back.

My jeans lay in a wrinkled pile by my feet and the rest of my clothes were no where in sight. But one of Nathan's work shirts was slung over the headboard, so I reached for it instead.

The moment I walked forward I felt this heaviness on the side of my face, like my cheek was melting and taking the rest of me down with it. I winced and raised my hand to it, suddenly remembering the bad part of the day before. The bruise was swollen and hard and very tender, the skin now having the same texture as a hard-boiled egg. I could not imagine how bad it must have looked, and I dreaded facing the mirror.

Nathan's shirt was cool and smelled like him when I slipped it on over my underwear. The radio was on loud in the kitchen, and I could hear the sounds of the highway whistling into the room. Even though the sliding balcony doors were open I was shivering uncontrollably as I stumbled into the bathroom.

Sure enough, a pink bruise was there in the reflection. It didn't look nearly as bad as I'd imagined it would though. It was small, about the size of a quarter, in the very center of my swollen cheek. I could see faint pink finger marks spreading up from it, and I bit my lip as I touched it, wincing at the pain.

Trying to be as quiet as I could, I opened up the middle drawer and felt at the back for my makeup. Maybe I could at least create an optical illusion that would make it seem smaller. My hand hit the back of the drawer. Something was different. . . That was when I noticed there was no bottle of Phentermine there. Confused, I yanked the drawer out the rest of the way and took everything out of it, tossing toothpaste and hairbands onto the counter. The bottle wasn't there. A spark of something like panic ignited in my chest as I raked through it a second time. I searched the sink and the cabinets next. No, not there either. Was it possible? My heart was pounding. Yes, there it was in the trashcan still half full. A grin spread across my face as all of the fear inside of me dissolved into a puddle. He was right. Things were really going to be different now.

My heart felt light for the first time in days as I dabbed makeup powder onto my bruise. It made me sneeze and it didn't even help that much. You could still see the redness, only it looked cloudy like I had accidentally put on a little too much blush.

Over time I became an expert at hiding my bruises, but back then it was all new to me. I started to panic a little as I saw that dark stain under the powder. Could I ever hide it completely? I didn't want Nathan to see this; I didn't want him to know the extent of what he had done. And what if we saw anyone else? Lily or Adam Finn or Melissa? Would I have to lie to them too?

When I had done all I could, I left the bathroom and walked into the kitchen, pretending to rub my eye so that I could momentarily cover up the obvious bruise. Nathan was standing in front of the stove wearing only his jeans, his tattoos bright as stitches against his pale skin. He was singing softly along with the radio, a song I didn't recognize.

"Hi," I said in a scratchy whisper, making my presence known. The song ended and was followed by a weather announcement.

Nathan turned and smiled at me. His hair was tousled, his blue eyes sleepy and shining. Even from the counter I could see my lopsided reflection in them. The scars on his back were tiny and pale in the sunlight and I could see every one of his ribs.

"Hi, Beautiful. Did you have a nice sleep?"

I smiled and slid around the bar so I could stand with my bare feet against the cool linoleum. I had a sudden, uncomfortable flashback of falling against the countertop the day before, my face burning like it was on fire, his eyes black as ink.

"Sure. Whatcha doing?"

"Makin' pancakes."

"That sounds good. Would you mind if I had some?" I asked.

"No you get to eat carrots for breakfast. In my abundant generosity I also saved you some water," he said, rolling his eyes. "Of course you can have some. They're for you, Rainy. Who else?"

"Oh but you were getting me all psyched for the carrots and water though," I chuckled.

"Well, if that's how you feel then I think I'll just eat these myself," he said nonchalantly, turning his back to me.

"No no! I'm kidding," I laughed.

"I was gonna feed you breakfast in bed. . . but seeing as you're here. . ." Nathan waved the batter-covered spatula around in a circle, waiting for me to fill in the blank. A few thick dabs of goo splattered on the tile.

"I kind of messed it up didn't I? I could go back to bed and pretend this never happened."

"Nope, can't do that," he grinned, "Besides they'll be done in about two seconds anyway."

I tip-toed forward and wrapped my arms around him from behind, pressing my lips to the back of his neck. He was warm and tasted like salt.

"Mm. . . good morning by the way," I said, breathing the words softly against the back of his neck. I grinned when I saw the goosebumps appearing on his arms and shoulders.

"Good morning to you too," he said.

"Where did you learn how to make pancakes?"

"The back of the box. It's not all that hard if you know how to read. I been up for hours. I went to the store and- Oh yeah I got another surprise for you too, but it'll have to wait. It's not here."

"Oh really?" I said, "Well aren't you creative this morning?"

"No Rainy, I'm inspired," he said, expertly flipping one of the pancakes. "Sit down I'll bring you some juice."

I sunk into one of the rickety chairs at the table and crossed my legs as Nathan poured me a glass of orange juice.

"So what inspired you to cook?" I asked, taking it from him.

"Uh. . . maybe the fact that we've been living on Cheerios for the last two weeks, or the fact that I just wanted to do something nice for you."

"Ah I see. I'm going with the former," I said.

"Actually it was more of the latter."

I rolled my eyes as I took a sip. "Now you're just sucking up."

Nathan kissed me on the forehead and told me I was crazy. As time went on I could count on this: the apologies, the tears, the love-making, the cards, the I love you's. It was like waking up from a nightmare. That morning with the pancakes, I honestly thought I had seen the worst of it. . . even though I had only grazed the surface, just barely broken the ripples.

Nathan slid the pancakes onto two plates and walked over to the table. I got up to get the syrup but he stopped me with a wave of his hand.

"I'm getting everything, Rainy, don't worry. I don't want you to have to do anything today. Just sit around and paint your toes with Lily or whatever."

I laughed and rolled my eyes. "We do not paint our toes."

"Oh really? What's this then?" Nathan said, grabbing my foot and pointing to my big toe, where a few embarrassing spots of pink nail polish were chipping off. "Some kind of strange jungle disease or something? West Nile Pink Toe Syndrome?"

I laughed and tried to pull away. "You're tickling me! Fine I paint my toes sometimes. Happy? Let go!"

Nathan kissed the arch of my foot with a loud smack and let it drop back onto the floor. "Now I'm happy."

"Why are you being like this today?" I said, pulling my leg up with me onto the chair where it would be safe.

"Like what?"

I playfully narrowed my eyes at him and pretended to be annoyed. "I don't know if you're aware of this, but you just kissed my nasty foot. Do you even know where this foot has walked?"

"I love you," he shrugged, passing me the sticky bottle of syrup. "I love you so, so much. I love your nasty foot, I love your eyebrows, I love your fingernails, I love your teeth, I love your West Nile Pink Toe Syndrome, I love your-"

"Okay we'll stop there."

He looked at me, and I looked at him, both of us trying to be serious. But we broke down laughing anyway. I smoothed the silky syrup over my pancakes, watching him out of the corner of my eye and thinking about how good we had it.

I never doubted for a second that he loved me. I could feel it even when he hurt me. It was this sense of belonging, this sad peace that filled me up as we lay sleeping by each other, a red sympathy ache in both of our stomachs. He just didn't know what love was or how to handle it or even how to show it to me properly. Love was something fragile, something that could break as easily as glass. Every time he cracked it he glued it back together with whatever he could find, trying so hard to keep me by his side. After awhile the picture had been glued so much and cracked so much that neither of us could recognize the image anymore.

I couldn't help subconsciously raising my hand to my face and feeling my bruise every few minutes as we ate our breakfast. The spot was sore and still swollen. Nathan kept staring at me, this strange look on his face. I wanted to cover up that pain. I needed to cover up what he had done. . . I hated him looking at me like that.

"You know, I meant what I said last night," he told me, taking a bite of his pancake.

"About what?"

"About stopping with those pills."

I nodded, the spark fluttering once again in my stomach. "That's good."

"I threw them away. I mean, I'm really over it, Rainy. I'm over needing them. Things are going to be so different around here. We're gonna get more money, school's starting soon, the summer's almost over, things are gonna be great. You'll see. It's you, Rainy, not those pills. You are the only thing I need from now on."

We finished off our breakfast and did the dishes and got dressed in the bedroom by eleven o'clock. I was about to get in the shower when there was an unexpected knock on the door.

"Can you get that, sweetie?" Nathan called to me from the bathroom, his mouth full of toothpaste.

I sighed as I opened it up, knowing that it couldn't be good news. Sure enough, Adam Finn and Lily were there frowning at me. Adam Finn looked exhausted, but Lily was her usual pretty breezy self. Something was different though; her eyes were as cold as metal.

"Hey guys," I said, managing a painful smile.

"Hey," Adam replied, "Where is he so I can kill him?"

I grinned. "Something came up last night. We would have called but-"

"Travis is in the car. He's too pissed to come up," Lily said, crossing her arms over her chest. "We decided if you guys weren't dead already we'd have to kill you ourselves. Thanks for scaring the crap out of everyone. Oh, and thanks for making Adam look like a total moron trying to sing the lead vocals."

"God I wasn't that bad!" he sighed.

Lily threw her head back and scoffed. "Ha! Spare us all next time and stick to playing bass. It was like listening to a monkey giving birth."

"Couldn't you have cancelled?" I asked.

Adam Finn shook his head. "No. That guy would have taken us out back and beaten us with a broom. We had to do something, and apparently the crowd wasn't up for magic tricks and a talent show."

"I thought it was a good idea," Lily shrugged, blushing.

"I'm really sorry, guys. Last night was just. . . some stuff happened. We couldn't have made it."

"We couldn't have made it," Adam said in a squeaky high-pitched voice, mimicking me. "Unless one of you died, a comet destroyed the earth or your apartment blew up, I see no legitimate excuse."

"Well let's at least argue about this inside. My makeup is running," Lily said, pushing her way through the door.

"Raina," Adam Finn said, looking at my face.

The powder obviously hadn't been enough. I could feel him staring at it, his expression now frighteningly different and unreadable. I put my hand up to cover the bruise, hot and throbbing, underneath my palm. But the damage had been done.

"What happened?" he asked, reaching his hand to my face.

His fingertips brushed mine. I pulled away like he had burned me and glanced nervously behind my back, hoping Nathan hadn't seen him touching me. But the hallway was empty, and I breathed a sigh of relief.

"Nothing," I shrugged, "A bee sting. It was kind of stupid."

Lily raised her eyebrows and crossed her arms over her chest. With that simple action I somehow knew that she knew. And she knew that I knew. But we did a strange kind of dance around the truth with our eyes anyway, not one of us daring to get close to the fire.

"A bee sting," she said flatly.

It took all the strength I had in me to answer. I could feel the lie beginning to twist out of control. "Yeah. I was out on the balcony and I guess I didn't see it."

"Well," Adam shrugged, playing with Lily's hair. "You know what works great on those is that stuff. . . um. . . you know, the white stuff that's like flour."

Lily playfully slapped him, grinning. "Baking soda? You are so kitchen impaired."

"Thank you, Martha Stewart. We don't all have your exquisite cooking skills," he grumbled. "Anyway it's great. Mix it with water and put it on the sting and it takes away the pain and everything. My mom used to do it for me. Did you get the stinger out?"

"Yeah," I nodded. "It just swelled up a little."

"Well know this," he said wisely, "Bees die after they sting you. So you've got your revenge right? That's the cycle of life."

"Oh thank you, Confucius. Yeah I'm sure that makes her feel a lot better," Lily scoffed, rolling her eyes.

I knew that she didn't believe me. I was a liar, and even worse than that was the fact that she knew I was a liar. I had never told Lily a lie before. It felt incredibly awkward and wrong.

I touched the bruise again, feeling a choking in my throat. I wanted to tell them the truth so bad. I just wanted to tell somebody, but there was nobody to tell and I didn't know how to begin. So I just pressed down on my cheek, and a dull pain shot out across my face. It hurt so bad I couldn't breathe.

Just then Nathan came in from the bathroom, his hair still damp and smelling of soap.

"You," Adam said, pointing an accusing finger. "Are so dead. Are you aware that I put on a freaking magic show last night?"

"And a talent show!" Lily piped in. "And he sang lead vocals and sounded like a-"

"Okay that's enough, Lily," he whispered, "No one needs to know the gory details."

Nathan grinned sheepishly. "Some stuff came up. I had to be with my girl last night."

He wrapped his arms around my stomach and pulled me to him from behind. Nathan smelled clean like shampoo and toothpaste, and I could feel the dampness of his warm body against my back.

"I don't care if you had to be with the president of the United States last night! You could have called. Do you know what the hell you did? That guy was so pissed! Don't guess we'll be playing there for the rest of our lives! You know I wouldn't be surprised if we never get a show anywhere after this! Now we look really irresponsible! Come on, Nathan, you know better than this. What you did last night was totally amateur and totally unacceptable. Almost everyone asked for a refund! We made like ten dollars, which we ended up having to give to the owner anyway to make up for all the crap we caused him. I was counting on that money. You know how much I have to live on this week? Do you?! Guess!"

Adam Finn's face was turning red. All of us were dead silent. I had never heard him say so many words at one time.

"Uh. . ." Nathan began.

"Twenty freaking dollars! Twenty dollars until I get paid next Friday. So either you give me some money or I'm stealing some of your stuff and pawning it. Either way, you are going to pay for what you did last night!"

"Oh come on. It's not that big a deal," Nathan shrugged, "You guys want some pancakes?"

There couldn't have been a worse moment for it, but we couldn't help it. We started laughing. Both of us just broke down, pointing at the stove and clinging to each other. Tears were filling our eyes.

Adam Finn shook his head in disgust. "Weeks of practice down the drain. Good god. . . you've really lost it haven't you?"

"No," Nathan choked, trying to slow down enough to breathe. "We've just got pancakes."

"Whatever," he sighed angrily.

"Ah come on, anything can be resolved with pancakes," I giggled.

Lily just shook her head, taking Adam's hand. "Raina you've lost your mind. This explains a lot. Oh by the way, you gonna take that job with me or not? My aunt's gotta know by this afternoon."

We stopped laughing. I felt a cold knot in my stomach as I glanced nervously at Nathan, but he just kissed me and tangled his fingers around mine, still grinning.

"Sure she is. We need the money, especially since we have to start supporting Magic Finn and His Traveling Circus over there."

"Ha ha," Adam Finn said.

I smiled and felt a rush of warm relief flow through me. I mouthed thank you at him, and he kissed my neck.

"Great," Lily sighed, "I'm sure she will have a great time. Will you tell her I'll call her tomorrow?"

The sarcasm in her voice was painfully obvious. Adam Finn let out a chuckle. "Yeah Nate. Are you her personal answering service now? Because you need to tell her to stop pissing off those bees."

I felt Nathan stiffen a little. There was a moment of silence in which we were all wondering how he was going to take it. Then all of us just started laughing again, and the tension broke like a fever. That's all it was: just a game, just a joke. We were young and in love, full of ignorance and happiness. Nobody knew any better. Anger didn't exist in that world and Black was just a legend, a scary story made up to fill the holes in the happy ending.

"So you still need some alms for the poor?" I asked Adam Finn, chuckling.

"Yeah. Some alms for the freaking poor please. I don't have all day, Nathan."

"Fine. Stop whining I'll write you guys a check," he said, motioning with his hand.

Nathan and Adam Finn disappeared into the bedroom, and Lily grabbed my arm when she was sure they were out of earshot.

"What's up, Raina?" she said.

"What?"

"What's with your face? Why did you guys miss the show? For real."

I felt her eyes pressing into mine. It was now or never. But I had already lied, the damage had already been done. What did it matter if I kept going?

"Lily, I told you the truth. I got stung by a bee, Nathan had a terrible day at work and we just wanted to stay in the apartment last night."

"That's crap and you know it," she said.

"Look. . ." I took in a deep breath. And then it hit me. I knew the perfect way to get Lily off my back, and it wasn't a lie either.

"The truth is that. . . well, last night I sort of lost my virginity and-"

"No way," she said, her mouth hanging open as she gripped my wrist. It was obvious that any questions she'd been about to raise had dissolved in her astonishment.

"I still don't see how this excuses you guys missing the show but. . . oh Raina you're a true woman now!"

"I was a true woman before," I said, blushing.

"Well I guess you're right, but now you're a true woman who's had sex," she smiled. "Give me details."

"This isn't a porn movie," I said.

"Raina, the difference between sex and porn is that porn is something you tell the whole world about, and sex is something you just tell your best friend about. So go! You have permission!"

I blushed as I remembered every detail of the night before: his hands, his whispers, the brief piercing sting of him inside of me. I couldn't do it. It was something so special, so secret, so tender, so whispered and breathed. It was ours, like a story we had written together, and no one could know it better than the two of us. "No. I just don't-"

"Well this still doesn't cover the mental humiliation we suffered, but I guess it'll have to do," Adam Finn said, coming forward from the hallway and tucking a check into his back pocket.

"That's the one thing I regret missing," Nathan laughed, putting his arms around me again. "Watching you sing lead vocals."

"You didn't miss much," Lily said, "And what you missed, be glad about it."

Adam Finn rolled his eyes. "Come on, Martha Stewart. Let's get going."

We waved goodbye to them from the door, listening to them arguing until their voices faded away in the parking lot. When they had both disappeared I shut out the heat of the early afternoon and leaned against the wall, watching Nathan suspiciously. His eyes were electric blue.

"Why did you say I could take the job with Lily?" I asked, my voice quiet and trembling. I remembered him the day before, standing in this exact spot and yelling at me for even bringing it up. How could he just change over night?

"Rainy it's not like I tell you you can't do things. I was just being a jerk about it yesterday. You caught me at a bad time, but you know you can always do what you want with me."

I smiled as he moved in to kiss me, putting his hands against the door, one on either side of my face. I didn't care how he had done it or if it was really real; something was undeniably different that morning.

Gently, I pressed my lips to his, whispering against his mouth, "I can do anything I want with you huh?"

"Mm. . . anything," he murmured.

I grinned mischievously, putting my hand against his chest. "In that case. . ."

We stumbled back to the bedroom, kissing and touching each other wherever we could. I was reminded of those desperate kisses we used to steal behind partially closed doors, knowing there was never enough time. There was never enough.

We made love for the second time and then the third time. It wasn't as painful anymore. He touched me in a way that made me shiver, made my skin dance. I loved him for it. It was just the two of us, our bodies rising and falling like a pendulum. I couldn't breathe. There was too much feeling to breathe. "Nathan," I whispered. He kissed my cheek in reply. The pain was dull, and I shut my eyes. "I love you so much," I told him. He smiled, his lips against mine. Not a kiss. . . just there. I felt his climax shake me too, and we fell back on the damp sheets at the same time like we were swimming, our eyes closed, our bodies floating.

We stayed in bed for the rest of the day. The ceiling fan was slow and mesmerizing, and Nathan's hand was in my hair, gently smoothing it off my shoulders. He wouldn't leave me. We were curled in each other's arms. I traced his back, he kissed my eyes.

Later I watched as he smoked a joint. He offered me a hit, but as always I remembered my father and shook my head.

"No? Really? Rainy, you're so good. You know that? You're just like. . . so good," he whispered.

I smiled. "And you are just like. . . so stoned."

Even though I had refused to take a hit, the thick smoke of the drug lulled us both into sleepiness anyway. The sunlight was warm and heavy and we were already tired from our love-making, but we couldn't drift off. Something wouldn't let us. Nathan watched me sadly. His blue eyes were heavy with pot and sleep. "Rainy," he would whisper over and over, tasting my name. I could never seem to say anything in reply. My brain was filled with fog. He was blurry around the edges, and there was a stone in my throat. I could feel it sliding down into my stomach. It was the stone that never went away, and each time he hit me there was another.

"I got another surprise for you," he said, just before we fell asleep.

"Another?" I whispered.

"Come with me."

I watched as he threw on his jeans and a t-shirt. Then I got out of bed and did the same, dizzy and sleepy. I reached for his warm hand.

The sun was low in the sky now, red streaking out across the horizon and clouds soaking up the color like sponges. Nathan held me up as we padded down the metal stairs in our bare feet. I hadn't taken a shower all day. I smelled like sweat and Nathan and pot, and I felt more beautiful than I had ever felt in my life. My hair was a mess, my makeup was gone, but I was free and I loved him. . . so much.

Surprisingly we stopped at Melissa's door, the paint peeling over the familiar numbers. I squinted my eyes and tried to focus on them in the semi-darkness. It was early evening by then.

"What. . ." I began. Nathan grinned at me. He was still a little stoned. I could see it in his smile.

"It's inside. Arielle wanted to keep it for a few hours."

"Keep what?"

We knocked, and Arielle flung open the door in only a few seconds. In her hands she was clutching a tiny black kitten with blue eyes.

"Raina!" she laughed, "It's a kitty! What are you going to name him? Oh tell me tell me tell me!! Please! I've been waiting and waiting for you all day!!"

I laughed. "What?" I looked back at Nathan, grinning, trying to put the pieces together. "But you hate cute, furry things. . ."

"Rainy, jumping to conclusions is a bad habit. I do not hate cute furry things. I had a dog once, you know. But anyway, this kid had some free ones in a box this morning when I went to get the pancakes. I knew you'd want one. I decided why not? Just don't let the landlord know we've got it."

"Oh my gosh," I giggled, gently picking the kitten out of Arielle's tiny hands. It mewed helplessly. Its little body was warm and soft as a glove. I could feel its frantic heartbeat under my thumb. It felt like Nathan's heart on those nights he took too many pills.

"Oh Nathan, is it a boy or girl?"

"Kid said it was a girl. She was one of the only ones left."

I looked into her little face, her orb-like eyes. She batted at the hair hanging loose from my pony-tail.

"What're you gonna name it! Tell me tell me tell me, Raina! Please tell me!" Arielle exclaimed, hopping up and down.

"I don't know. Hm. . ." I said, smiling at her. "What do you want to be named kitty?"

Arielle piped up, as if I had asked her the question instead. "How about Blackie or Bluey or-"

"Bluey?"

"Well it's got blue eyes," she shrugged.

I glanced back at Nathan, who just shook his head and smiled.

I had never had a pet in my whole life, even though I'd always wanted one. I held the kitten close to me, her little body warm and squirming in my hands. And for some reason I thought about what Aaron would say.

"How about Cosmos?" I suggested.

"Cosmos! Oh, you're so cute, Cosmos!" Arielle squealed, patting the kitten's tiny head. "I like it. She likes it too! Look!"

Cosmos mewed pitifully in reply, and I could see her tiny pink tongue whenever she opened her mouth. Melissa met Arielle at the door and picked her up. "So I see you found your present," she laughed, "Thank God. Anymore mewing and I would have thrown it out the window. I told Nathan it was a bad idea, that it would drive you both crazy, but he wouldn't listen to me. The boy's in love."

I laughed, lowering Cosmos from my face. Melissa's smile faded at the sight of my bruise, which I had stupidly forgot to cover again after we got out of bed. Every bit of my makeup had worn off over the course of the afternoon.

"Hey Rainy, I'm gonna go call Travis about last night okay? You wanna come with me?" Nathan asked, breathing against my hair, kissing me.

I shook my head, knowing Melissa had something to say. "I'll stay here I guess."

He gave me a quick hug and patted Arielle's red hair, then left. Melissa just stared at me.

"Arielle, go play in your room okay?" she said gently, setting her down.

"No I wanna stay with Cosmos," she whined.

"Here you go, sweetie. But be careful," I said, handing her the tiny kitten.

Arielle ran off, her red hair disappearing down the hallway and Cosmos bouncing along helplessly in her arms. It was quiet as Melissa looked me over.

"Honey, what happened?" she asked.

"What do you mean?"

I tried to sound cool, casual. But my voice was shaking and I felt like crying. I was aching with pain and love and terror all at once. I was aching, praying to God please let it all be a dream. But it wasn't. The pain in my face reminded me over and over. He had hit me. He did it once, I knew he would do it again. No matter how many times we had made love or how sweetly he'd held me that afternoon, the memory of the black in his eyes had not been erased.

Melissa shook her head, raising her eyebrows. "The obvious bruise on your cheek, Nathan's sudden interest in getting you presents. I don't know. Where do you want me to start?"

Lies came easily after awhile, and I wasn't surprised when I heard the words come out before I even thought about them. "It was a bee sting. No big deal. And so what if I have a boyfriend who likes to do nice things for me?"

Melissa raised her eyebrows and crossed her arms over her chest. "Listen, maybe some of your other friends may buy that excuse, but I'm 36 years old. I've seen it all. Come inside we need to talk."

Part II: Tír na nÓg

Thu, 21 Dec 2006 19:39:07 GMT

The next thing I knew was being in the dark bedroom, on the bed with Nathan. My face felt distorted and hot, swelling up like a balloon. I just held my hand over that place, my fingers spread out like a net trying to catch all the pain before it could slither out of me.

Nathan held me against his chest and rocked me. I was shivering. My teeth wouldn't stop chattering. I just kept saying, "It hurts. It really hurts. Does it look really bad?"

I knew that it did. I had caught my reflection in the bathroom mirror as Nathan helped me stumble down the hallway. I couldn't decide if most of the red came from the slap or from my tears, but either way my face was swollen and puffy to the point of alien. Nathan didn't say anything in reply to the question. I didn't think he could. He couldn't even look at me.

I was so hungry and thirsty, but I didn't dare get up and make us dinner. I needed to pee, but I didn't dare get up and go to the bathroom. I was so cold, but I didn't dare get up and walk to the closet to get a sweater. Neither of us would move, for fear of shattering some sort of fragile balance we had created with our silence.

Night began to creep in and then close around the apartment. The light in the room turned blue. I could hear the evening coming. We were lying on the bed with our legs tangled together. The phone rang over and over in the kitchen, and on the answering machine I could hear Travis's voice, sounding somewhat panicked.

"Nathan, this is not funny. Where the hell are you?"

His words rang hollow through the house as we held each other close, not one of us breathing.

"Answer it," I whispered as the phone began to ring for a fourth time. "Just go to the concert. You guys worked so hard to land a show there."

Nathan kissed me on the forehead. I felt him sigh. "Nothing matters right now but you, Rainy. Nothing."

And then I could hear our cheerful taped voices, as if from some other life. "This is Raina. And Nathan." And from the background a tiny high-pitched shriek, "And Arielle!" Then all of us together like a family saying, "Leave a message!"

This time it was Lily. I could hear the crowd behind her and the fuzzy sound of electric guitars, probably the opening band starting up.

"Raina? Nathan? You guys okay? We're getting kind of worried over here. Hang on, Adam wants to say something."

I heard the connection rustling, then Adam Finn's voice, loud and big in the silence.

"Nathan, you are dead. Do you hear me? If you don't show up in five minutes I will come over there myself and-"

I could hear them arguing as Lily tore the phone out of his hand. "What he means is we just want to know if you're okay," she said breathlessly, "Please call or something. Listen, if we don't hear from you in thirty minutes maybe we'll-"

The message cut off. I heard the long, slow beep and the silence that followed. Nathan shifted closer to me and kissed my forehead.

I was afraid to move my body, afraid I would feel that terrible pain again. Feeling it would make it real. I tried to fall asleep, but I always jerked awake when I remembered the events of that afternoon. When I closed my eyes I saw his hand coming at me, how completely unprepared and powerless I was. It hurt so bad.

Up until that point with Nathan, no one had ever hit me before. My father had been angry enough to do it, and Lily had even threatened it once after I spilled hot sauce on her favorite skirt. . . but I had never been hit before. It wasn't like I'd always imagined it would be, like in the movies, how the characters barely feel it, straighten up and pretend it didn't happen, their eyes so cold. No, in real life there was pain. I held my palm over that spot on my face. The blood was still pulsing underneath the tender skin. It was hot like a fever.

We started to fall asleep. It must have been around nine o'clock. The calls had stopped, and Lily and Adam Finn had never showed up even though Nathan should have been onstage an hour ago.

"Rainy?" Nathan whispered. I had been resting my ear against his chest, and I jumped at the sudden vibration of his voice there.

"What?"

"If I could take it back, I would," he murmured, "I would."

I closed my eyes as I curled deeper into his embrace. "Why did you do it?"

"I don't know. I really don't."

He didn't speak again. Outside, the crickets were starting up. I could hear the muffled voices of the people in the apartment next to us, their music thumping through the walls. How were there were so many ordinary things going on? Nathan ran his hands over my body, up under my shirt resting them against my bare skin. His fingers were as cool as sand.

"I'm leaving, Nathan," I said.

"No. Don't."

"Yes. I can't let something like this go. I'm sorry. . . I love you. But I won't let anyone treat me like that."

My voice wavered pathetically. I could see the words hanging in the air, this made-for-tv speech, so completely foreign to anything I believed in. Everything inside of me was telling me I should go, telling me that there was no guarantee that this wouldn't happen again. But. . . but I wanted to stay, I was willing to risk it for him, and I knew he must have sensed it too.

"Raina, of course you can go. You have a right to go. I would go too if I was you," he said.

My heart was splitting in half. Just like that night with my father, I wanted so badly for him to stop me, hadn't I made it obvious? I wanted to find any scrap of reasoning to stay. I wanted to take what had gone wrong and somehow make it right, because I loved him, because I couldn't stop loving him. But maybe I would go to Lily's just for the night, maybe I could explain everything, maybe in time I could forget that love. So I slowly peeled myself out of Nathan's embrace, but he tugged my arm before I could stand up. When I looked back at him I saw in his eyes the frantic, terrified look of a lost child.

"Just hear this first. There's a lot about me you don't know," Nathan said softly.

"Like what?"

He sat up on the edge of the bed, looking out at the bedroom like it was infinity. He reminded me of the people in the Niamh painting, the ones in the background with no faces.

"I've wrestled for weeks with this. Like. . . should I tell you or not? But I guess if you're leaving I don't have anything to lose anymore."

"What is it?" I whispered, suddenly interested.

"Raina, I've done something awful, something I can't forget, something I can't undo. Like today. It's like that."

"What is it?" I asked him again, this time more gently.

Nathan made a sound in his throat, a cross between a groan and a whimper. He drew his knees to his chest, trying to escape inside himself.

"I've murdered somebody. I mean. . . they would be alive if it wasn't for me."

When he said this I felt cold all over, like someone had dumped an icy bucket of water on my head. "What do you mean?"

I put my palm against his back and spread my fingers there, like I had spread them out across my face, a net to catch the pain.

His voice was just a whisper, barely audible when he spoke. I had to strain to hear it.

"When I was a kid I laid awake in bed listening to my father hitting my mother, screaming at her. Like I did to you tonight. I could never sleep. I always thought he was gonna kill her. Whenever he did come home, he'd be looking for money. He was hooked on cocaine. He'd wreck up the house and beat her if she didn't give him whatever we had. I'd stand in the hallway and just watch. . ."

"Oh my god," I whispered.

I thought about Bonnie and the happy pictures of their wedding day. It all flashed before me: Nathan's red scarf, the ocean, his gap-toothed smile and bitterly sad eyes.

"I wanted to do something, but I was scared of him sort of. I mean, he never beat me really, but if I got in his way he didn't have a problem smacking me around. And I was just. . . scared I guess. But I really love my mom. Honestly I love her, Raina. I didn't mean to let it happen."

"You didn't let it happen," I said softly, shaking my head.

Nathan ignored me. "I hoped it would just end, but over time it only got worse. We tried to get away a lot. He always found us or we always went back because there was no where else to go, and he was always saying how sorry he was. But he put her in the hospital twice before I was ten."

"Nathan, why didn't you tell me this?"

He didn't look at me, just closed his eyes and sighed. "It's complicated, Raina. It's really complicated. I'll get to it later."

I didn't want to push him, for fear that he would stop talking. I spread my fingers further across his back and gently kissed him between the shoulder blades.

"The last time we got away we went to this shelter place with a bunch of other women like Mom. I was eleven or so I guess. We stayed there for a while, then they helped us get a house of our own. Things were good for about a year. My mom got a new boyfriend. His name was Gary. He treated her real good. Things were just. . . going fine."

"What happened?" I whispered.

Nathan took in a shuddery breath. "I fucked it up. They were gone one day, at the store or something. I wanted to see him so bad, Raina. I mean, looking back I don't even know why. But I just wanted to see him."

"Who?"

"My dad. I thought maybe since it had been so long he wouldn't be so pissed at me and Mom anymore, like maybe he'd had some time to cool off or something. So I called him and told him to come over, just not to hurt Mom again. Just to see me."

Nathan paused. I could feel him trembling.

"When he came over he seemed really normal. He asked about Mom. I said she was gone. We sat and talked for about an hour. He said he was really glad I'd called, that he wanted to spend more time with me. I thought it was okay."

"Yeah," I whispered reassuringly. "I mean, you would. He was your dad."

"Well it wasn't okay," Nathan mumbled. "My mom and Gary came home early. He just went crazy when he saw them together. Turns out he'd had a gun in his jacket the whole time, just waiting for them. He shot Gary."

I took in a sharp breath. Nathan rubbed his eyes and rested his forehead in his hands, but I could still see the tears sliding down his face.

"He was bleeding bad, but we managed to get him to the bedroom. We were begging my dad to let us call for help but he wouldn't do it. He had the phone in his hand. He was blocking the doors. I guess he was just so scared of being arrested, so we tried to stop the bleeding ourselves. Gary lived for about five hours. . ."

"Oh my god."

I didn't breathe. My palm was still against his back. It was hot there against the fabric of his t-shirt. I could feel his heart beating; I could feel him shaking. But it was different. Something had changed inside of both of us forever. I was hanging off the edge of his last sentence, both desperate and terrified to hear more. Nothing moved for a whole minute. Then finally he continued, choking back tears.

"My dad held us hostage for two days. He didn't let us eat or sleep. We couldn't call for help. We had to stay in that house with a dead body for two days. He was insane. He just kept shooting cocaine and beating my mother and raping her. I tried to stop him. He said he would kill her and then break my neck if I tried anything."

"Where were you this whole time?" I asked.

"In the living room. He kept us in the middle of the house so we couldn't get to the phone or the door."

"He made you watch?"

"No. I mean, I don't remember. I've tried but I don't remember much at all."

"What do you remember?"

Nathan stared at the wall, his eyes fierce and hot.

"I remember he would put the gun to his head and say he was gonna kill himself. Her first, then me, then himself. It was like a game he kept playing. He'd grab one of us and put the gun to our head and hold it there for as long as he felt like. . . He kept saying he had to kill all of us to make up for what he did to Gary, and that if one of us died we all had to die. Finally one of our neighbors called the cops."

"Nathan," I whispered, tears in my eyes.

"There was a big trial. I told you my dad lives in Atlanta. Well actually he's in prison. He got life without parole."

"When was this?" I asked.

"A couple years ago. Everyone said it wasn't my fault, but it was. . . because I knew what he was like. I knew what he would do, I let him know where we were, I let him in the fucking house for chrissake! If I wanted to save Gary I could have risked it, I could have climbed through a window or something. But I didn't. God I don't know why I didn't. If I could go back again and do it again I would save his life!"

"You were just a kid."

"I was thirteen!" he yelled. "Thirteen years old and I let that happen in my mother's house. I made it happen."

"You can't really think that," I whispered.

I saw him stiffen, and I moved my fingers up and down his spine, something that always calmed him down and comforted him. But that night he wouldn't allow himself to relax under my touch.

"You know why I carry that gun in my glove compartment? It's not for protection like I told you. It's so if I ever see his fucking face again I can blow his fucking brains out! I hate him so bad! That bastard! I hope he burns in hell! I hope-"

Nathan put his face in his hands. He was sobbing. It took me a second to realize I was crying too. Suddenly the fact that he had hit me didn't seem important anymore. I wrapped my arms around him and ran my hands through his hair. Finally I felt his body relax, like frozen water melting in my hands. He leaned against me and sobbed into my shoulder for a long time, making my small frame heave and shake with his. I just kissed him and rocked him and let myself cry too, tasting our tears on the air. I wanted to hold onto him forever. He was so weak, and it was like I was the only one that could save him. I guess it sounds weird, but I felt like I could. I felt like if I just held him long enough I could take away all his pain; I could make it so he would never hurt me again or hurt himself. I was naive and stupid, but I believed it. And when he pulled away from me, all I wanted was to bring him back.

Nathan rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand and turned away from me. Our bodies were faceless shadows on the sheets. I tried to touch his hair but he shook my hand away.

"Don't. Please," he said.

"Nathan, it's okay," I whispered, "I don't care."

"Well I do," he said. "I'm sorry. It still bothers me. If I don't think about it then I don't have to feel it, and I never wanted you to see how much it bothers me."

"Why didn't you tell me about this earlier? Before we met your mom, before I moved in, before-"

"It's not something you tell people, Raina! Especially not your girlfriend."

"Why not? Don't you trust me?"

"That's not it, Rainy. It's just that I didn't want to ever tell you because I haven't ever told anybody. I didn't know how to tell anybody. But I knew if you saw the scars. . ."

"What scars?"

Nathan moved away from me and slowly lifted up his shirt. Thin, tiny white lines were scattered across his back. Suddenly I understood why he had never let me touch him there. I bit my lower lip and fingered them like they were hot coals. And above them all there was the tattoo, the word shame in spirally script, black and sharp as barbed wire.

"It was a stupid thing to do, but I tried to get the gun from him. He shoved me through a glass door. One of our neighbors heard the crash and it was all over an hour later, but I was cut up pretty bad."

"It wasn't your fault," I whispered, tracing over the lines. He shivered and stared at me. There was a different color in his eyes that night, one I had never seen before, a cross between blue and deep gray, a winter sky just before nightfall. They were, without a doubt, the saddest eyes I had ever seen.

"Rainy, that's sweet, but I know what I've done. I know what I did. I've accepted it, but that just doesn't make it go away. Even saying it's not my fault. . . you can't deny that it still happened because of me. It's something that will never, ever be undone."

"We all have things we regret," I murmured.

"Not like this," he said, "You would never know what it's like until it's you. You'd never know what it's like to be responsible for someone's death."

"Yes," I said softly, "Actually I do."

"You were a baby then."

"But it's the same thing. If I hadn't been born, she would be here, my dad would be happy, he wouldn't have started drinking. It's the same thing. I could carry that guilt just like you, but I've had to decide that I won't let it kill me. That's the choice you have to make."

"But you couldn't decide to be born or not."

"Just like you couldn't decide to save Gary's life. He would have killed you too. And your mom."

I could see in his eyes that he didn't believe me, that he never would. There was this pain there that was permanent, that was as much a part of him as his smile or the goosebumps when I touched his spine or the calluses on his fingertips. It would not leave. No matter what I did, I could never be big enough to fix that shattered place inside of him.

I just kept thinking about myself, thirteen years old and watching Aaron drive away in the backseat of his father's station wagon. And I thought about Nathan, thirteen years old with his father's gun to his head. Maybe it had all happened at the exact same time, those moments that changed both of us forever and damaged our souls beyond recognition. Maybe it had all happened at the same time, on that same day when we were thirteen, when we lost our childhoods forever.

"I love you," Nathan said, his eyes pleading with me.

He took hold of my hands. There was something frantic in the way he touched me.

"I love you more than I've ever loved anything ever. If I lose you I'll never be able to live with myself. Raina, please forgive me for what I did. The reason I told you all this tonight is because. . . when I'm with you I feel okay, like I'm normal again, like I'm good. I never want to hurt you. I never want to. I don't know what's wrong with me. I hate my father, but I feel like him sometimes. . . It scares me so bad. My mom's noticed it too. She can barely look at me. That's probably why she's so obsessed with predicting the future. Maybe she wants to see something better for me."

"Nathan," I whispered, gently touching his cheek. "We do have what's better. We have it right now. Nobody can take it away. The future is ours, and it's not written out in some horoscope, dooming us. I love you and I want to be with you. Tonight you just made a mistake."

"You can still leave. I won't stop you," he said, shaking his head. "You're a goddess, Raina, and I know that I never deserved you in the first place."

"I'm not leaving," I said firmly.

Nathan looked up at me and touched my face, the place where he had slapped me. Just a mistake. That's what it really was back then. He ran his fingers over and over the impending bruise. It hurt, but I didn't stop him.

"Oh Raina. . ." he choked, "How could I-"

He held me so tightly I could barely breathe, but I let him cry against me. Then in the next moment I was pulling him down onto the bed with me, and we were kissing, slowly, softly, painfully. I was kissing him like I had never kissed him. It was a kiss that was free of secrets, free of silence, a kiss let loose in the wind like strands of hair unraveling.

"I'll stop taking those pills," he whispered against my ear. "Whatever it takes. I'll never hurt you again. Out of all I've done wrong, that's something I can do right."

As he said it he kissed me so tenderly my eyelids fluttered. I ran my hands down his back and slowly lifted off his t-shirt. I tossed it onto the floor and walked my fingers over his naked skin for the first time since we had started dating. Without even looking at it, I could feel that word. . . shame. . . hot as metal on my fingertips.

Nathan's body sunk down onto mine. I stroked his back, his scars, the pain. I was aching for him. I felt that familiar pressure between my thighs. It intensified with each brush of his lips until I couldn't stand it anymore.

"Do you want to?" I murmured.

"Yes," he said breathlessly, looking into my eyes. "I really do."

Even though we'd been living together for more than a month, Nathan and I had strategically skipped around the subject of sex until it became obvious to me that he was just as scared as I was. But that night, we both knew that something was different.

"Um. . . have you ever?" we asked at the same time, then grinned at each other.

"No."

"I haven't either."

"I um. . . I don't have a- a you know what," Nathan said.

"What?"

"A condom," he whispered, and I saw the pink flush that crept into his cheeks.

"Oh good. That's what I hoped you were referring to," I smiled.

Nathan furled his eyebrows, studying my face, and then he laughed for the first time that night. The sound filled me with warmth. For a second everything felt normal again.

"Well what do you want to do about that?" he asked.

-

Fifteen minutes later we were padding down the stairs in our flip flops, walking across the street to the gas station, holding tightly to each other's hands so that we wouldn't be tempted to turn back. The world was us. The night sky was black and sagging with stars, and the air felt warm and sleepy like the water in Adam Finn's pool. Waiting to cross at the light, I put my ear against Nathan's heart so I could lose myself in the rhythm I loved so much.

When we opened up the dinging door of the gas station, we saw an old man at the counter and no other customers. He didn't look up at my bruise or our eyes, which were still red with tears. Nathan and I walked resolutely to the back of the store, hiding ourselves behind the cases of beer. In the fifth grade Lily and I had bought a condom out of a machine in a public bathroom, giggling and blowing it up like a balloon. It had been embarrassing even then. But now, with Nathan, I was blushing so hard I could feel sweat prickling on my forehead.

"What do you think? Glow in the dark?" he said, nudging me.

I giggled. "Oh my gosh."

"They need some that play music. I mean they've got everything else."

I laughed. "Just get the cheapest one and let's get the hell out of here. That old guy is giving us a look."

Nathan glanced back over his shoulder. The cashier was glaring at us, craning his neck over the counter to see if we were stealing something. "Sheesh. Let's piss him off even more and go with cherry flavored."

I rolled my eyes and tugged on his hand. "Come on."

At the counter we wrapped our arms around each other. When the old man looked up at us and shook his head sadly, Nathan and I had to fight back our giggles. It felt so good to have a secret that, finally, we were sharing.

"We don't need a bag," Nathan said.

I slapped his arm. "God Nathan."

"What? We're not going far."

"We'll take the bag," I said to the cashier, who raised his thick eyebrows at me.

-

Back in the apartment, Nathan and I slowly undressed each other in the darkness. He peeled off my sweaty shirt. I was shivering. I had never felt so nervous. . . or so ready. It was dark in our bedroom except for the occasional pair of headlights sliding across the ceiling. I could hear the hiss of the freeway and the summer wind tangling in the trees. He fumbled with my bra strap as I fumbled with his belt.

"I don't know how you girls do this," he said, blushing, after the third failed attempt.

I smiled at him. "That one's tricky. The metal clasps sort of got warped the dryer. Here, I'll do it."

I reached behind my back and unclasped the straps. They fell across my skin like a breath, giving me goosebumps. My senses were heightened to the point of torture. I slowly slid the straps down my arms, exposing myself, and I fought the urge to cover up. But I knew it was all necessary; I knew it was right. Nathan was smiling at me.

"You know you're prettier than Niamh ever thought about being."

I laughed a giggly, unnatural laugh. I was so nervous my teeth chattered if I let them. I had to keep my mouth closed. It was embarrassing enough to be topless in front of him, how was I ever going to take the rest of my clothes off?

Sitting on the mattress in the same crouching, hide-all position I'd used in P.E. class to change into my gym shorts, I somehow managed to shake my jeans off. I was lying there in nothing but my underwear, and I felt it all at once: that exposed, deliciously terrifying sensation of being with the one you love for the first time. . . ever.

Nathan's hands were shaking when he touched me, like I was made of porcelain, a piece of glass on the face of his Niamh. He finished stripping himself and then slowly, slowly slid my panties down my legs. I couldn't breathe. The feeling of his fingers running down the length of my thighs was too much. Every touch was ten thousand touches. I was completely naked, and I didn't even know how it happened, but I didn't care. This wasn't scary anymore.

His heart was beating so fast, and I put my palm against it to steady us both.

"It's okay," I whispered, letting my fingers trail down his chest.

"I know," he said.

And then he kissed me, pressing his fingers into the back of my neck. I laid back on the pillows, the sheets strange and foreign and cool on my bare skin. His body rested on top of mine, our heartbeats together at last. I had finally stopped shaking, but there was a strange knot in my stomach as I slowly opened myself up to him.

"Just go slow," I whispered against his ear. I knew it would hurt; Lily had told me that much. But the truth was that I wanted him to go slow because I wanted to create a masterpiece of a memory.

I ran my fingers up and down the scars on his back. He slipped on one of the condoms we had bought and gently guided himself into me. There was a slow, stinging pain that made my eyes water. I bit down on my lower lip. It hurt, but his kisses took the pain away. And if I didn't focus on it I could hardly feel it at all.

"Just say if you want me to stop," he whispered.

I didn't. Oh for all the world I didn't. Even the pain was satisfying and ultimately more beautiful than anything I had ever known. I shook my head.

"Relax then," he said, "Relax okay? Man. . . you're shivering."

"So are you."

Nathan smiled at me, blushing. I willed my body to relax itself. The pain went away after a few seconds, leaving behind an uncomfortable ache as I became accustomed to the feeling. Then there was nothing else but me and him. He kissed that place on my face where he had hit me. He kept his lips hovering above it. It didn't hurt at all anymore. I could feel the heat of him on my stomach. The weight of his body on mine made it hard to breathe deeply.

We began to move, kneading each other, shaping each other, our bodies softening like clay in the warmth we were creating. He breathed against my ear, saying my name, saying he loved me, saying he was sorry. The words became more and more desperate. They became a stream of something I couldn't hear, his breathing against my ear the only thing I could feel. I closed my eyes and let the sound take me away.

And then there I was, a memory of being warm at the pool with Aaron in my bathing suit. I didn't know what made me think of it, but it's always the memories you don't bother creating that stay with you your entire life.

"Go already!" I heard a kid's voice say from behind me, harsh and loud.

I had been ready to do a cannonball off the highdive to overcome my fear of the deep end, but being up there in the hot wind had changed my mind and frozen me with terror. I knew it was too late to turn back now; I had already climbed the big white ladder and walked to the edge. My legs shook, ready to give out from under me. The heat was so still, so closing, and the wind was shaking the flimsy wet board underneath my feet.

I turned my head and saw the biggest boy in our class, Paul Fisher, scowling at me, and I knew that it was his voice I had heard. His broad chest was pink and freckled from the sun.

"We've been waiting for almost five minutes. Go or I'll push you!" he said harshly.

"I'm going!" I said.

I turned back to the water and looked down. It was so blue it hurt my eyes. My head was swimming and my stomach was sick. I had not been scared when I climbed the ladder, when I was sure I was going to do it. But now I was up there alone with no one but myself and the thought of what I had to do.

"We're sick of looking at your fat ass!" Paul Fisher yelled, and the other kids laughed.

I felt that cold, plunging sweep of humiliation as I suddenly became aware of my chubby stomach and thighs, one of the crueler products of my recent puberty. Tears stung my eyes as I looked down at the water again, feeling desperate.

"I said go, bitch! Are you deaf?" he yelled.

Then he came at me from behind and pushed me, hard fingers into my back, and I felt myself tumbling through the summer heat, tumbling down into the freezing water. The fall took forever. When I hit the surface it stung like a thousand needles. I felt it close thickly over my head, and I came up choking and crying and gasping for breath, my nose burning with chlorine and my skin still tingling from the impact.

"Raina!" Aaron yelled, swimming up beside me with his goggles on.

I didn't have to tell him what had happened. Just to make matters worse, he had seen and heard everything. There was a look in Aaron's gray eyes so icy it made me lower my own in shame. I watched him get out of the water and throw his goggles onto the yellow sidewalk. He was so tiny and white against the crowd. But how fierce he looked.

Paul Fisher had already climbed out of the pool and was wiping his face on a towel. Aaron walked right up to him and turned him around and pounded his face until there was blood, until he was cowering against the outside wall of the locker room. Kids were gathering around and mothers were picking up their babies and running to the lifeguards.

"Aaron stop!" I yelled, tears dripping down my sunburned cheeks as I hoisted myself out of the water.

When he heard my voice he backed away, his hands still balled into fists and pink with blood. Paul Fisher's nose was bleeding, great gobs of black oozing down his face.

"If I ever see you or that bitch here again I'll break your scrawny neck in half!" Paul sputtered, holding his hand under his nose and trying to salvage any shred of his reputation. "Hear me!"

"No. If you ever look at Raina again or talk to her or even think about her, I'll kill you. Now the question is, do you hear me?" Aaron said, his voice so smooth and cool it sent chills up my spine. Paul Fisher blinked, at a loss for words.

"I asked you a question," Aaron said, raising his fists again.

"Yes," Paul sputtered.

"Good."

And then Aaron turned around and saw me and nodded his head, like a soldier. He took my hand, and we gathered up our towels and our books and Aaron's goggles. We walked home without saying anything, letting the sun dry our golden skin. I could barely look at Aaron, but out of the corner of my eye I could see him still shaking with rage.

Here was the kid who handed out plastic badges protesting violence in the school halls, who picketed outside of prisons demanding better security for inmates, who swore to solve every problem in his life with a logical and scientific approach. What had happened?

"Raina, I could have killed him," he said in my driveway, his eyes burning. "I could have killed him."

-

Nathan was whimpering against my neck. "Oh Raina," he gasped, "Oh god. . ."

I blinked, the memory of the pool gone. I clung to Nathan and felt weakened by the quiet groans he let out against my neck, followed by my name. His face was buried in my hair.

I could feel his body tensing in my arms, and I knew he was close to climaxing. It had started to hurt again, so I was glad when he came. I heard his breathing hitch. He whimpered for the last time into my neck, shivering helplessly before collapsing into my arms. I held him, both of us breathing hard. "Raina. . ." he was saying between breaths, "My Raina. . . oh god I love you." I smiled and raked my hands through his sweaty hair.

"Shh," I whispered.

Nathan's eyes fluttered and closed, and his breathing evened out as he started to drift off. That was sex? But no, wait, I wanted to tell him that we had to do it again, that I hadn't created my memory yet or even gotten close to building my masterpiece. It had all ended so quickly, like a candle flame blowing out or a sentence fragment. But here it had left us anyway, tangled together and clinging to each other, exhausted, Nathan falling asleep inside of me. I felt his heart beating, softer and softer and softer against my chest. . . a bird's wings. And I knew all at once that this was more than enough to create a masterpiece with.

"Don't leave," Nathan murmured.

And then he rolled over and gathered me into his arms. With those two words, something had changed between us forever. He drifted off with his hand resting on my head. But even though I was beginning to feel that thick-headed sleepiness that always comes after a good cry, I stayed awake well into the early morning thinking about the Niamh painting, the secrets, the masterpiece, and Aaron's gray eyes burning.

Chapter Twelve

Tue, 05 Dec 2006 21:46:12 GMT

It didn't take long for boredom to once again become the constant of my life. August came and it was miserably hot outside. It was too hot to do anything but eat ice and sleep in your underwear next to the weak breeze of an oscillating fan. Taking five steps to the refrigerator or the bathroom was like walking through quicksand. Melissa and I sucked on ice and rubbed the frozen chips all over Arielle's sunburned arms, but nothing could stop the sun from shining.

I stepped around Nathan's anger and lived for the moments when things were good, when he wasn't strung out on Phentermine, when we were out on the balcony in our bare feet and the hot wind blew in salty from the south.

My arms were around him. He was so skinny I could feel the vertebrae in his back. I ran my hands up and down there, connecting and reconnecting the pieces with my fingertips. Nathan loved for me to touch his back; he said it gave him chills. I dreamed about the Blue of his eyes. On the nights when I could lull him to sleep I laid awake stroking his hair and imagining our future, tinged around the edges with just a hint of fog. It wasn't all real yet, but I was determined to make it that way.

Like a bird trapped in a cage, I fell into the rhythm of captivity. Life was a predictable sequence of events: waking up, Nathan kissing me goodbye at the door, Melissa's apartment, afternoon talk shows, Nathan coming home, microwave dinners, touching in bed. I learned his moods. I learned what to say and what not to say. I learned to choke back my words. I learned his movements: the angry movements, the sad movements, the loving movements. Some were slow and some were pure impulse, reflexes like lightening. He was easily irritated in those days, taking more Phentermine than ever. The heat had put us all into a bad mood.

I just wanted us to sleep. . . but he never seemed to sleep. Nathan was a mystery to me. Some nights he would need me so much, crawl into my arms and say my name over and over again until it sounded warped. It was like he was trying to tell me something. I could feel him shaking, his heart racing. He would hold onto me so tight. Those were the nights I set out to make him sleep.

As we laid in the darkness I told him all about my father and how I felt like I could never make things right with him. I told him about living in my mother's shadow, how I was afraid that my birth had taken her life and made my father drink. I told him that I thought my existence was a mistake. And sometimes I sang "I Only Have Eyes For You", because that's what had always worked for me when I was little. It took hours, but eventually I felt his body relax as his breathing deepened. . . and for just a moment I was at peace.

I was pale from being inside too much and from worrying about how to fix things. All I knew was the apartment. . . Melissa and Arielle. . . Nathan. All I knew was this choking need to help him, help him from something I didn't even recognize. The hot sunrays fell like honey on the shadows and on the pavement, making it hot enough to sizzle. I missed the rain. I wanted to hear it drumming on the roof again. But sometimes it was enough to just lie there with Nathan, feeling his heart beating so fast, feeling him shaking. His energy was like the rain.

Since it was so hot, I usually didn't go outside anymore except when I walked around the apartment complex, trying to get my nerve up to approach the payphone while Nathan was at work. The payphone sat in a dilapidated little booth next to of the Laundromat. It was my only enemy and my only hope. I memorized the way it felt under my fingers, the black plastic warm from the sun, the carvings people had made with their keys: J.D. loves Alissa, Bite me, Fuck off. I would clutch the receiver, dial my father's number.

Sometimes I got an answer, but most of the time it was just our machine. I could hear the automatic message we had never bothered to change. It was hollow and strange and immensely far away. "Hello." pause. "No one is available to take-" I always hung up there. And if I got an actual voice I would hang up even faster.

"Raina, I know it's you," he would say, his words strained, "Just talk to me okay? I'm worried. You haven't called. I know something's wrong. . . honey. . . are you there? Tell me where you are, just give me a number where I can reach you. . . anything. Raina?"

I would hang up, shaking like a plane crash, then run back to the safety of our bedroom. On my long walks to the payphone I always planned out what I would say. But by the time I got there, the words were spent into dust. Nothing made sense. What could I say? I had left in the middle of the night without saying goodbye, left without telling him where I was going, left without letting him meet Nathan. What could I say? Whatever there had been between us as father and daughter, I had destroyed it.

I would go back up to the apartment and lie on our bed, sometimes cry, sometimes just breathe until I calmed down, breathing Nathan's scent and wishing for him, clutching the sheets like I was dying. He was my only comfort.

I tried to hide the Phentermine. I hid it under the pillows, under the mattress, in my pockets. But I could feel the weight of it there. I could hear the pills rattling in the bottle until the noise made me panic. I wanted to explode. I wanted to throw it off the balcony. I wanted to flush it down the toilet. I had to get rid of it somehow.

But Nathan didn't take it everyday, and I used this fact as justification for letting it continue. I would shove the bottle back into the drawer before my plan could ever go into effect. I wanted him to be happy. . . I wanted it more than anything. He was the only one there. Who else could I love and hope for? I didn't have my father or Aaron anymore. . . I barely had my friends. God I missed them all so much.

One lonely day there was a knock on the apartment door. I got up fast, having some strange thought that it would be my father on the other side, smiling at me, sober and begging my forgiveness. My legs tingled with anticipation as I ran. But when I got there I only saw Lily, her smile as breezy as a beach umbrella.

"Can I come in?" she asked. Before I could answer she had waltzed right through the door, flipping her blond hair behind her back. I had not seen Lily in at least two weeks, but instead of feeling happy I felt afraid.

"What do you want?" I asked.

She looked at me, took off her sunglasses. She was staring too hard, taking in everything: my bony arms, my pale skin, my unwashed hair, that frantic look in my eyes.

"Jesus. . . What the hell have you been doing all this time?"

I shrugged, crossing my arms over my chest. "Hanging around. Why?"

"You never call me anymore and every time I try your cell nobody answers. I even went to your job. They said you quit. What's going on, Raina?"

"Nothing. I'm just taking it easy until school starts."

"You look like hell."

The words cut me like a razor blade, but I would never let her know. "Well it's nice to see you too. I had to get rid of my phone."

"Why?"

"No money," I shrugged, "No point either."

Lily sighed and looked around the apartment, taking in the empty boxes and the comforting, familiar messes. She dropped her keys and purse. "So where is he?"

"Working. He works until four."

I had no idea what she wanted. I was so used to being alone in the apartment all day it felt weird to have someone else there; it felt unnatural somehow.

Lily plopped down on the couch and started to speak, then took in a sharp breath. This happened two more times, and then she just stared at me. . . that uncomfortable stare that only a best friend can give you, the kind that seems to look through you into a secret you aren't even aware you're hiding.

"Raina, you're acting weird. Anyone told you that lately?"

"What do you mean?"

"Adam and I haven't seen you for weeks. I mean, why did you quit your job?"

"Because. . . I dunno. . ."

"Well listen, I'm here because I want to remedy your money problems. I mean, you've gotta have money problems right? I know you do."

"Obviously. What do you have in mind?"

Lily smiled knowingly, her eyes shining. "My aunt's store. You know that place we used to hang out at during freshman year, the one with all the old lady clothes?"

I rolled my eyes and remembered us standing in front of the floor to ceiling mirror, our hair as pale as sheets washed in the sun.

"We used to try on the stupidest hats we could find."

"Yeah," Lily grinned, "Well she needs some extra help. I told her we'd be up to it. She's willing to pay pretty good money. Better than your dumb grocery store job at least."

"I dunno. . ."

"Raina, you're paler than a dead woman. You need to get out. Besides, I never see you anymore. It sucks. My summer's been boring as hell without you. I mean, yeah I've got Adam Finn. . . but a boy just isn't a girl no matter how sexy he is."

"Lily, I want to but I don't know if I can."

"Why not?" she pressed exasperatedly, "It's good money. It's something to do. And it's me, your old partner in crime. We'll have a blast making fun of the losers who shop there. What's wrong?"

I stared down at my feet. "I just don't think Nathan-"

"So now he's telling you what to do with your own damn time?" she shot suddenly, "Nevermind. This is ridiculous, Raina. I hope you see where this is going."

"He's not telling me," I said defensively, "Maybe I just want to be here when he gets home."

"God he's not your fucking kid!" she yelled.

Lily's eyes were flashing. It was only at that moment that I realized just how angry she was. I had not understood how badly I had hurt her, ignoring her all this time. The truth was that I had been so worried about Nathan I had completely forgotten everything and everyone else.

"I knew you would do this! He's all you ever think about anymore."

"That's not true," I lied, remembering the way his body trembled in my arms, the way his eyes ached for me, the way I wanted to know his secrets more than I wanted my own life. . .

"It is true, Raina. You moved in with him and fell off the face of the earth! And I don't like it. Not one bit."

"Well I'm sorry! You can't just have me all to yourself you know! The world doesn't revolve around you, Lily!"

The moment I said it I knew I had gone too far. Lily's eyes clouded with pain, the closest thing to tears I would get. In thirteen years of friendship, Lily had never cried in front of me.

"No. . . it revolves around him, doesn't it?"

"I'm sorry," I mumbled, staring down at the floor.

"Look, I'm out of here. But just think about it. You'd be doing my aunt a huge favor anyway."

"Yeah. See you later."

Lily turned around at the door. "Are you coming to the concert tonight? I'm going to see Adam Finn."

I nodded. Falling Up was playing a show at Lane's Ballroom that night. I wanted to see the rest of the band again. Nathan always got nervous before concerts, and I had promised him I would be there to calm him down. Secretly I hoped that I would be a substitute for the Phentermine I knew he was planning on taking.

"Sure. How are you guys anyway?"

"We're fine," Lily shrugged, a glassy love-struck look in her eyes. "He's awesome. But I miss hanging out with my best friend, and I guess I wish she missed me too."

I watched her leave without saying anything in reply. I wanted to jump up and follow her, but it was like an invisible fence held me inside the apartment walls. It burned me when I got too close, when I tasted the bitterness of freedom.

God did I want to get out of there and get a job. The thought of money coming in again. . . my own money, something to do with my time, no more wasted days in the hot apartment sucking on ice and waiting for Nathan. The temptation was too much. I decided I would talk to him about it.

-

I was sitting outside with Arielle when Nathan came home that day. She was rolling her Barbie car around on the sidewalk, picking up little insects and putting them in the backseat as passengers. I was sucking on ice and waiting for Melissa, who had gone to the grocery store for popsicles.

"Nathan!" Arielle yelled, running to him. I reached over and caught a ladybug that was trying to escape out the back window.

Nathan picked Arielle up and swung her by the arms, making her scream. I could see her hair flashing like a mirror in the sun.

"What are my two favorite girls doing out here in the heat?" he smiled, turning Arielle upside down and holding her by the ankles.

"We're sending Barbie to Jupiter!" she giggled. "Hey Raina you're above me! The sky is the floor!"

I laughed and waved at her. "Nathan put her down. You're gonna make her crazy."

Nathan swung Arielle up and put her back on the ground feet first. "Wow. . . I feel dizzy," she said, wobbling and holding onto his hand.

"Jupiter huh? Sounds good to me. Is there room for one more?"

"Only girls are allowed," Arielle said, sitting back down on the sidewalk. "Hey where'd my grasshopper go?"

"It might have hopped away," I said.

"Oh man," she sighed, "She was the biggest one."

Nathan kissed me on the forehead and picked a piece of ice out of my cup. "Only girls huh?" he said, popping it in his mouth.

"Don't look at me. I didn't make the rules," I smiled.

He sat down on the steps beside me, and I could hear the ice clicking on his teeth. "Arielle?" he called.

"Yep?"

Nathan reached into his back pocket and pulled out a piece of pink cinnamon gum, which he dropped into her hand. "You need to go inside okay? It's too hot out here. Wait for your mommy in the apartment."

"I don't wanna," she whined.

"You are getting pretty sunburned," I said, gently picking up her red arm and studying it. She smelled sweet like the children's sunblock my father used to rub on my back at the pool. "Nathan's right. We should probably all go in."

"All right," Arielle grumbled, picking up her Barbie car and walking towards Melissa's door.

"I hope Melissa doesn't mind me leaving her," I said worriedly.

"Well she obviously doesn't care that much. Letting the kid play out here in this heat like that. God. . . She's only five."

I silently followed Nathan up the metal stairs. He was in a bad mood. I could tell even by the way he breathed.

After he closed the door he dropped the keys in the bowl and kissed me. I fell into his arms and held onto him. He smelled like the dry heat outside, and he was holding me too tight. . . On days like that I could feel that he needed me. And I couldn't do anything for him except run my hands through his hair and try to find out what was wrong, try to find out all the things he kept from me. I could never seem to do it.

"How was your day?" I asked.

"Shitty," he answered flatly, walking into the kitchen.

I watched as he slammed around for something in the drawers. Dust flew out of the cracks in the kitchen walls. I didn't know what he was looking for. Finally he grabbed the pack of cigarettes from off the table and held it tightly in his fist.

"They're cutting back everyone's hours for the next three weeks. It fucking sucks. There's no way I can make it up with commission. . . I don't know what we're going to do."

"Oh," I shrugged, "I'm sorry."

And I really was. I thought about the rent. . . my stomach churned. I knew that we had no savings in the bank and barely enough to live on.

"What'd you do today?" Nathan asked, smiling at me. For a second he looked like a little boy.

He kept rubbing his eyes, rubbing his forehead. He was nervous. Something was wrong. I just couldn't figure it out. His hands were trembling as he leaned against the counter, lighting up a cigarette.

"Lily came over."

"Oh yeah?" he said, taking a few quick drags. "What for?"

"Just to talk."

Nathan nodded. I walked over to him and brushed his hair out of his eyes.

"You feeling okay?" I asked.

"My head hurts. I was looking for Aspirin."

"Well we've got some in the bathroom."

Nathan kissed my hand. He looked exhausted. I wanted to hold him, but somehow I couldn't. There was this sadness in his eyes that made me ache with separateness. And he was acting weird, acting like he did on those nights when he couldn't sleep and he paced our bedroom until morning drifted in through the blinds. I always left him alone on those nights. . .

"You ready for the show?"

"As long as I know you'll be there I can be ready for anything."

I grinned, feeling myself blush. "You'll do fine. You always do."

Nathan put his hands on my hips and murmured my name against my hair. His breath was so warm it made my legs shake.

"Um. . ." I began, "You know. . . I was just wondering. . . are you planning on taking that stuff tonight?"

"What stuff?"

I shrugged, my face burning. "You know. . ."

"I don't read minds, Rainy."

"The stuff. . . the pills," I finally spit out.

Nathan stared at me like I was from another planet. "What are you talking about? Do you mean the Aspirin or something? Yeah I might take some Aspirin tonight. . . is that what you mean?"

"Nathan, come on, don't do that. You know what I'm talking about. The Phentermine."

He laughed. "I don't know where you get this stuff. Jesus, you think everyone's a druggie just like your father. I guess he made you paranoid after living there, but you'll just have to work past those issues. I'm here now, and I'm not some kind of speed freak, Raina. You know I hardly ever take those. . ."

"This has nothing to do with my father," I whispered.

Nathan took my hand and stared into my eyes; the blue was hypnotic. I let my gaze swirl into his, like water and oil mixing then separating, mixing then separating over and over again.

"It has everything to do with him. He made you paranoid. Raina, I'm gonna help you get past that okay? I'm gonna make you see that you don't have to be paranoid about everybody, especially me. We're not all lunatics like he was."

I felt like crying. I had never thought that Nathan would take what I had admitted about my father and turn it against me. I had told him because I trusted him with my secrets, not so that he could throw them in my face when I least expected it.

"Nathan, it's not him. You just. . . those pills. . ."

"What about them?" he sighed heavily.

"You take them all the time. You don't sleep anymore. You barely eat. I mean, don't you see it? I'm worried about you."

"Raina, come on. I take those pills only on certain days. I wish you'd never found them so you wouldn't have to worry so much. Maybe you get to thinking like this because you spend so much time here in the apartment."

I stared down at the floor. My head was spinning. I kept trying to hold my ground and convince myself of my own logic. But I didn't know where I ended and he began. Had my father's drinking made me paranoid? Maybe it had. Maybe that's why I felt so different from everyone else. Maybe. . . maybe Nathan was right.

"Well maybe I do spend too much time here alone. That's why Lily wanted to know if. . . " My voice trailed off. Why was I so nervous?

"Yeah?"

"Well the thing is, her aunt's having some trouble at her store. She was wondering if me and Lily could work there for awhile, just until she can hire someone else to replace us."

"What'd you tell her?"

"Well," I shrugged, "Haven't really answered yet. I was thinking I would though."

Nathan sighed loudly and looked away from me. I felt a knife run through my heart. There was that look in his eyes. . . He tossed the cigarette into the sink, and I heard it hiss like the air let out of a tire.

"Fine. Do whatever you want," he said, his voice cold and hollow.

"Nathan. . ."

"What?" he snapped.

I stiffened almost instinctively. I could see Black coming. It always started out slow, just a whisper, just a shadow.

"It's just. . . I mean. . . I get really bored here alone all day. And the rent. . . They cut your hours back. I could help out just for awhile. You can't deny that we need the money."

Nathan shook his head, lowering his eyes to the floor. For a second he just looked sad and I wanted to reach out to him. But when he spoke, his words were a stream of anger.

"God, Raina, you are really hard to please. I try to do everything I can for you. I buy you everything you need so you won't have to work at some shitty job and then you do it anyway? What the hell kind of a payback is that? You think I can't take care of you or something? No, first you accuse me of being a fucking drug addict and then you say I'm incapable of taking care of you! You're real nice today aren't you?"

"No! That's not it. I just want to be able to help out. It feels weird that I don't have a job."

"The only thing that's weird is that you'd rather go be with that whore than with me. The only thing that's weird is that you're so ungrateful you can't even accept a favor. You don't care about what we have. It's just a relationship to you isn't it? If it was gone tomorrow you wouldn't even notice!"

"Why are you acting like this?" I whispered. I should have kept quiet. Trying to argue anything with Nathan, no matter how logical or true it was, was like holding your hand over a flame for too long.

"You always think stuff's a big deal when it’s not a big deal that I want to get a job! It has nothing to do with our relationship-"

"Shut up!" he yelled suddenly, making me flinch. "You think you know everything about me! You don't know anything!"

"Stop yelling at me. I hate it," I said, rubbing my temples.

"Maybe you need to be yelled at, Raina."

It was at this that I felt the blackness of my own anger welling up inside of me. I would not stand there and take this. No one, not even Nathan, could talk to me this way.

"Why are you acting like such a fucking jerk?" I snapped.

Then it happened. It happened like I had seen it happening in the back of my head all those times, when he broke the window, when he grabbed my wrist.

His hand connected to the side of my face. I don't remember it hurting. It was just a shock, like touching the metal of a car door on a dry day. . . the electric spark that jolts your chest.

The force of the blow knocked me sideways into the counter. Then the pain started, but the physical pain was nothing compared to the realization of what he had done.

"Oh my god," I choked.

I wanted to say something else, only I couldn't.

Like an injured bird, I slid down to the floor and held my face in my hands. Was I crying? If I was I didn't feel it. My cheek was tingling and swelling by the second.

"You hit me. . ." I whispered, my lips numb as the words became a reality. "You hit me, Nathan."

And then he was on the floor too, and I couldn't hear his voice because my ears were still ringing. But he was sobbing and cradling me and tangling his hands in my hair, trying to gather up all he had broken, like the pieces of glass from the window. I was limp in his arms and the pain in my face was making my eyes water, so I let myself cry too. We stayed there for an eternity. It could have been hours and it could have been minutes. But I had lost track of the time, I had let it go.

Chapter Eleven

Sat, 18 Nov 2006 04:04:22 GMT

I was stuck in a rut. It was obvious to both me and Nathan. He couldn't help noticing how bored I suddenly seemed, how much I sighed, how many times a day I wistfully stared out at the freeway. I loved him. . . but this just hadn't been what I had imagined when I agreed to move in with him: me being stuck in the hot apartment all day with no friends and no money of my own.

One night as we were eating Chinese food out of cartons in front of the tv, Nathan looked at me and said, "Rainy, I'm taking off work tomorrow. We need to get you out of here."

A long-dead spark of excitement ignited in my stomach, but it was quick to dissolve. . . I stabbed my chopstick into a piece of sweet and sour chicken and shook my head. "You can't do that. We need the money. Besides, what would we do?"

Nathan was staring at the tv. I could see the blue shimmer of the reflection in his eyes, and I saw all at once how tired he was. "Money's not an issue right now. And. . . well. . . if you want to, you could meet my mom. She's been dying to meet you."

"Seriously?" I squeaked.

The truth was that I had been wanting to meet Nathan's mother for weeks, and I'd wondered why he kept avoiding it. I knew that she lived in Ashton, probably not far from the apartment, yet we had never mentioned going there even once. It had started to worry me. Was Nathan embarrassed of me somehow? Or was his mother just some sort of mentally unstable terror I would have to deal with in later years?

"Seriously," he smiled, "It was her birthday a couple weeks ago and I sort of missed it. . . maybe we could go over there and celebrate or something."

"I'd love to," I said.

But that night before we went to sleep I started to get nervous. What if she didn't like me? What if she didn't think I was good enough? I had never had a mother of my own. Would she be able to see that in me? After all, it must have been obvious that my only sense of femininity had been picked up from Lily and the girls in my class. It was a fear that had increased tenfold since Aaron had left, that I was not normal in some way, that there was something off about me that everyone else could see.

After Nathan fell asleep I stared at the ceiling in the dark, listening to his breathing and gently stroking his hair as he rested his head on my chest. The white headlight patterns changed like a kaleidoscope on the ceiling, and I concentrated all of my sleepless energy on trying to hear his dreams.

-

It was hot the next day and winds were blowing in strong from the south. Nathan and I had slept in late and he was in a bad mood. I knew he was crashing. It happened sometimes after a long high or a couple of nights without sleep. He was less alert, less talkative, less. . . happy.

It was already noon and I had tried on almost every single outfit I owned. Clothes were strewn all over the bedroom and the apartment was a wreck. But I figured we would clean up when I wasn't so worried and Nathan wasn't so tired.

"What about this one?" I asked him for the third time. He was lying on the couch with his arm slung over his eyes to keep out the light. We had closed all the curtains, but it hadn't helped.

"It's great," he sighed.

"You aren't even looking."

Nathan peeked over his elbow at me with one eye. "It's great," he repeated flatly.

"Thanks a lot."

"Rainy?" he called, before I could trudge back to the bedroom.

"What?"

Nathan smiled at me, and his blue eyes were twinkling like the search lights over the freeway. "My mother does not care. She will love you. You are perfect. You are a goddess. Do you understand that? You could go over there in a trash bag and still look beautiful."

I blushed. He always knew the right thing to say. "I don't know. I'm just so nervous. What's she like?"

Nathan sat up on the couch and lit a cigarette. When he clicked the lighter open at me I could see the flame darting out like a tongue.

"She's eccentric. You know what she does for fun?"

"What?"

"Calls psychic hotlines. You seen the weird lady on tv with the fake Jamaican accent? Yeah, I'm pretty sure they know each other on a first name basis. And she also reads palms and tarot cards and has a little business in the neighborhood and everything."

"Are you kidding?"

Nathan laughed. "I wish I was. But honest to God." He raised his palm in oath and then looked up at it sideways. "And according to my palm reading, I'm going to be a farmer and I have some serious issues with double doors."

I chuckled and crossed my arms over my chest. "Oh really? What a surprise."

"Also, my lucky number is 69. If you know what I mean," he said, moving his eyebrows up and down.

"Oh why do I put up with you?" I sighed.

Nathan grinned and took a drag of the cigarette. "Okay I'm kidding. But she is into all that stuff though, and she does make money doing readings. But don't let her get started talking about it. It'll bore you to tears. What I'm trying to say is, no matter how weird you think you are, you aren't nearly as weird as my mother is."

I sighed and smoothed my blouse over my stomach, tugging out the wrinkles. "So I look okay?"

"More than okay. You look hot."

"Well that's probably because I'm melting in here. Let's go," I said, grabbing my purse and tossing the keys to Nathan.

-

Twitchy as an insect I sat in the passengers seat of the car, watching the houses blur. We were almost there. The wind was roaring through the open window, hot as the heat from a fire. As I had predicted, she didn't live very far from the apartment and it was only been ten minutes before Nathan announced that we were in her neighborhood.

"Are you scared?" he asked me.

"Kind of. Do you think she'll like me?"

"She likes everybody. And I've only told her good things about you."

"Well that's good to know," I said, "She live alone?"

"Yeah."

It was one of numerous times that I wondered about Nathan's father. I wanted to ask him, but somehow I sensed that it was a touchy subject. After all, it had taken him weeks to finally let me meet his mother. If he wouldn't even mention his father, certainly it was going to take a lot more than this. With Nathan it was always best to move one step at a time.

I kept quiet and watched the scenery blurring, occasionally fixing my sweaty hair in the window reflection. Nathan's mother lived in a shadowy neighborhood lined with tall, old trees. Her house was pretty and compact like something just so, and I imagined she used that phrase a lot.

The first thing I noticed about the house when we pulled up was that the lawn was immaculate. Perfect. Rows of flowers strung the grass like a choir. There was a pretty little birdbath in the front, filled with stagnant water. Flower bulbs humbly bowed their delicate heads over the walkway. The house was tiny, but it had been kept up better than some of the palaces I had seen in history books.

"She likes gardening," I said to myself.

"Too much," Nathan finished for me, smiling. "Come on. Let's get this over with."

He picked up a bouquet of flowers out of the backseat. We had stopped at Wal-Mart on the way over after remembering that we didn't have a present, and flowers had been the obvious (and cheapest) choice. The bouquet was filled with lilies, roses, daisies, and many other flowers I didn't know the names of, all laced with baby's breath and held together with a ribbon. They were beautiful.

I held tightly to Nathan's hand as we walked up to the house. The heat was so still that day you probably could have traced pictures in it. I could hear the insects screaming, and the blood was pounding in my head.

Nathan unlocked the door with a key that hung from his Fender keychain. The hinges swung open to reveal the inside of the house, which was too dark and smelled like vanilla and clean laundry. We were standing in a sort of entrance way. In front of me I could see a living room, dusty curtains hanging from tall windows. The sun glowed like a black-light behind them. A TV was on, too quiet to make out what was playing, but I could hear canned laughter leaking through the silence. To my right was a kitchen and dining room. The house, like the front yard, was perfect to the point of feeling unnatural.

"Mom?" Nathan called softly as we walked further in.

A thin, tiny woman walked out of the kitchen. She was in her late thirties but still very pretty, classically beautiful like a black and white movie star. She had curly dark hair and eyes like Nathan's, only brown. It was just the shape, I noticed, that was the same. I couldn't help grinning back at her. She was one of those people whose smile was contagious.

I didn't know what I had imagined before we walked in. Maybe a dark and scary house foggy with incense and sitar music playing in the background, maybe a psychic wearing a turban and talking in a mystic voice. But I was glad she didn't look anything like that.

"You ever heard of knocking? You could have been a robber for all I know."

"Happy late birthday," Nathan said, handing her the bouquet of flowers. "And you know the door was locked. Robbers don't carry keys, only crowbars."

She shook her head and smiled, gently fingering one of the lilies and pressing her nose into the cluster of petals. I heard her breathe deeply.

"Sarcastic as always," she said, "Why didn't I expect that? Very pretty flowers though, thank you baby."

Her gaze landed on me. I smiled warmly and held onto Nathan's sweaty hand. I had never been very good with introductions and suddenly felt awkward, hoping my tattoo was hidden underneath my sock.

"Oh God. Is this Raina?" she asked, studying me closely with her dark gaze.

I stepped forward out of the shadows. "Yeah. Nice to meet you and happy late birthday."

She smiled widely and put her fingers against my cheek. Her hand was cool and soft as soap, the way I imagined a mother's hands should be.

"When he called me and told me he'd met the most beautiful girl in the world I thought he was pulling my leg. But now I see he was telling the truth."

I blushed. "Nathan, you didn't. . ."

"What? It's true, Rainy," he said, kissing my hair.

"You can call me Bonnie," she said, "My real name is Bernice but nobody's called me that since I was a teenager. Come in here, I'll get you something to drink."

The kitchen was like the rest of the house: too dark and too clean, but inviting anyway. A table was mishappenly placed in front of three large windows. The chairs were crooked, as if someone had gotten up in a hurry. I glanced down at what was scattered there: a deck of tarot cards, People magazine, a pile of junk mail half-opened. Bonnie put the flowers next to the magazine and walked over to the refrigerator.

"Aunt Kaye was here fifteen minutes ago. She'll be so disappointed she missed you," Bonnie called. Her voice was muffled from inside the refrigerator.

"Well we won't stay long anyway. Just wanted to say happy late birthday," Nathan replied.

"Nonsense. Just because you moved out doesn't mean you can't stay. I want to talk to Raina."

Bonnie stood up suddenly, having emerged out of the refrigerator with two Cokes in her hands. She gave one of them to me and the other to Nathan. I could feel her watching me as I popped open the can and took a big sip. She was tapping her fingers on the side of her face, figuring something up in her head. Then she asked the thing I least expected to hear.

"When's your birthday, honey?"

I furled my eyebrows, almost choking on the sip of Coke I had just taken. Luckily the answer was automatic. "April 5th. Why?"

Bonnie shook her head, pursing her lips. There was a sympathetic look on her face.

"He's December 3rd," she said, jabbing her thumb at Nathan. "Two fire signs. Not good. Not good at all. I'll have to look into it further, but I don't think it's good. There could be lots of danger there."

The words just became muttering after that until Nathan and I were both leaning in painfully close to hear. I mouthed what's she saying? at Nathan, who just rolled his eyes.

"Fire signs?" I asked, hoping to bring back the conversation.

"Astrology," she said. "Don't you know your signs?"

Lily and I had once read our horoscopes in Seventeen magazine when we were eleven, so desperate to make them fit with our lives that we had created the necessary situations.

"Not really. Don't follow that stuff. It's never really worked for me. I mean, how could the same thing be happening for every Gemini or every Leo? You have to admit it's kind of impossible."

Bonnie shook her head, staring at me as if I had just grown a second nose.

"The same thing in a different context, honey. Having good fortune with money could mean finding a dollar bill to one person and winning the lottery to another," she said knowingly, as if I was in danger of my own naivety. "See, I'm a Cancer, which means I'm all about family and home. And that's true. I bet you act like an Aries and you don't even know it. Tell me, you're stubborn aren't you? Like to get your way a lot?"

I smirked. "Maybe. Who doesn't?"

"Now Nathan here, he's more like an Aries than anyone. He's got that temper. But he's a deep thinker too, typical Sagittarius. You want me to tell you about your sign?"

"God Mom, please," Nathan sighed loudly, taking a sip of his drink. "She doesn't care."

"Oh hush up," she laughed. "Just ignore him, Raina. He's got that Irish temper like his father."

"Mom. . . " Nathan said, and his voice was suddenly scary. "Just stop okay?"

"All right, all right. Maybe you'll be good for him, Raina," Bonnie said, smiling nervously. "All a boy really needs is a girl. A good girl. I think you'll be good for him even if you are both fire signs."

She put her hand against Nathan's cheek. I suddenly wondered if she knew he was taking the Phentermine. He'd taken some that morning, which explained why he was in a bad mood. But she didn't seem to question it or even notice that something was wrong. All week I had been searching for proof that maybe this wasn't so abnormal after all. . .

"Raina, let's go to the living room," Bonnie said, "We'll sit down and talk."

"Mom, you are not reading her future," Nathan said stubbornly, pointing his finger at her.

"Why not? Afraid you won't be there?" Bonnie asked with her hands on her hips. I chuckled through the sip of Coke I had just taken, carbonated bubbles burning my nose. Beside me, Nathan just rolled his eyes.

The two of us followed Bonnie into the living room. The floor was freshly vacuumed, still bearing the wheel marks in the carpet. I could not imagine the house ever having been messy.

As Bonnie pulled something out of one of the cabinets, I looked around at the pictures she had hung up on the walls. There were very few.

"Is this Nathan?" I asked.

It was a photograph of Bonnie and another man holding a small baby.

"Mm hm. At his christening," she said.

We sat down on the couch and Bonnie laid a photo album out on the coffee table in front of us. "Nathan was the sweetest child, but he was so awkward he just didn't seem to fit in anywhere. Can you believe you're his first girlfriend?"

"Oh my god," Nathan mumbled into his Coke.

I smiled at him and saw that he was blushing deeply.

"Come here, I'll show you."

Bonnie opened up the book. I saw pictures of people I didn't recognize, some of the photographs black and white or grainy with age. She thumbed through the pages, pausing on a picture of the smallest baby I had ever seen.

"He was born several weeks early, and he's been impatient ever since," she said, "Just rushes ahead of all of us and finds himself alone."

I chuckled and glanced at Nathan, who was staring at the floor.

"And this is a few days after he was born, with his father," Bonnie said.

A man who had Nathan's eyes was holding the baby, kissing the top of his head. He looked to be about the same age as Adam Finn. The way he touched his son reminded me of the way Nathan touched the painting, so carefully it could have passed for fear.

"He looks young," I said.

"We were," Bonne smiled, "Not much older than you two. I was only nineteen when we got married."

"I'm gonna go to the bathroom," Nathan said suddenly, setting his Coke on the coffee table and standing up.

I watched him walk away, furling my eyebrows in concern, but Bonnie was already taking out more pictures to show me. When I turned back to the photo album there was the same man and a younger Bonnie, who was wearing a wedding dress, standing in front of a church. They were kissing.

"We met in a car wreck. Can you believe that?" she smiled.

I twisted my head around so I could look for Nathan in the hallway, but he had already disappeared. "A car wreck? That's weird," I said distractedly.

Bonnie smiled. "He accidentally totalled my car when he ran a stop sign, but I forgave him. Obviously. Fell in love with him right there in the street."

I looked at the pictures of their wedding day, the two of them laughing, dancing, kissing. He looked so much like Nathan. . . the same deep sad eyes.

There were more pictures too, of Nathan as a little dark haired boy with missing teeth holding his father's hand, laughing and sitting on his shoulders, standing in the sea. In almost every single picture there was a bright red scarf tied around his neck.

"Why is he wearing that scarf?" I asked curiously.

Bonnie laughed. "That was his imaginary friend, Pete. Pete was one of my old scarves that Nathan found an attachment to. He must have been. . . oh at least seven when he finally stopped dragging it around."

I smiled at the pictures. In every single one, Nathan was running or laughing or playing in the water. But I noticed his sadness even then. It was one of the things only a lover or a mother could have picked out, like the slight glassiness of a child's eyes when they're coming down with a fever. It was like he was watching it all from the outside wishing he could step in and be apart of it. Maybe he wasn't even aware of it. But it was his eyes that told me the whole story. . . Even though they were children's eyes, they were very old.

"This is Nathan and his grandmother," Bonnie said, pointing to a picture of an elderly, frail looking woman holding a sleeping child. I couldn't think of a way to describe her other than to just say that there was a stillness in her eyes.

"The one from Ireland?" I asked.

"Yes. He told you?"

"He told me about Tir Na Nog."

"Tir Na Nog. . ." Bonnie smiled slowly. "Now that's a name I haven't heard in a long time."

"It's a beautiful story. It reminds me of something. . . I just can't think of what."

"Well all of those old myths follow the same pattern."

"No. It's more than that," I shrugged, "It's just like I had heard it before or something. Deja vu you know?"

"I took a couple of courses in psychology before I got married. They said that deja vu might be a memory of a dream you can't remember. Maybe you had a dream about Tir Na Nog."

"Maybe," I smiled.

I looked down at the picture of Nathan and his grandmother again. Bonnie touched Nathan's sleeping face, leaving a fingerprint over it like a halo.

"They had a special relationship, and she had planned to take him to visit Ireland someday when he grew up, but she died when he was just nine."

"Oh," I said.

Bonnie closed the book, dust flying out of the pages. "Well I'm sure you're not interested in family history, and Nathan seems to have disappeared."

I laughed. "It was fine actually I-"

"I'm right here," Nathan said, smiling as he came forward from the hallway. He leaned over and kissed me on the forehead. "Just didn't want to interrupt. Rainy, let's get you home okay?"

I looked at Bonnie. "I'll see you later. Thanks for having us over."

She placed her cool hand over mine and gently squeezed it. "Any time, sweetie."

-

We left the house in a hurry. The late afternoon sun beat down on us as we breezed past the flowers, bowing at our departure. Nathan was oddly quiet even after we slipped into the car, ripped leather seats slick with heat.

He started up the engine without saying a word. I rolled down the window, but the sweat was slimy on my forehead and the dull breeze was barely a comfort. It was too quiet. . . I knew that something just wasn't right. Nathan took a sip of water from the bottle on the dash; the Phentermine made him thirsty. Then he messed with the radio, trying to find a station as I stared at the house. Lawn mower tracks were in the grass. I saw the curtains in the kitchen flutter with movement. Fire signs. The words were breathy and thin on my tongue, almost dangerous when I said them to myself.

"Are you okay?" I asked Nathan.

"Yeah," he smiled, playfully nudging my side. But his sad eyes gave him away.

"She was really nice," I said.

"Nice. . . but sort of out there."

"When did she get into all that psychic stuff?"

"After my dad left," Nathan said.

"What happened with him anyway?" I asked.

Nathan shrugged and put the car in reverse. "They got divorced. No big deal. He lives in Atlanta."

I nodded. Something told me he wasn't telling me the whole truth, but I didn't push it. As we backed out of the driveway I stared at my sweaty reflection in the rearview mirror. All I could see in my head was that picture of Nathan and his grandmother. . . the eerie stillness I could not shake away. I needed to say something to break the quiet.

"I can't believe you named a scarf," I chuckled.

Nathan stopped the car in the middle of the street and stared at me. Even though he was pretending to be angry, his eyes were twinkling. "She did not tell you about Pete."

"Oh she told me about Pete. All about Pete in fact."

"God why did I leave the room?" he sighed.

"You had a pet scarf? Any other weirdo things I should know about before we go any further?"

He smiled and shook his head, flexing his fingers around the wheel. "Well. . . I'm madly in love with a girl named Rainy. In fact I'm so in love with her that every time I look at her I just wanna tickle her."

"Don't you dare!" I laughed as he reached over and tickled my stomach. We started to drive away from the house. "Watch the road!" I gasped, giggling and squirming.

"Serves you right for mentioning Pete."

"Fine! I won't mention it again!"

Nathan stopped tickling me as we rolled to a stop in front of a red light. I was still breathing hard, my sides hurting from laughter.

"So. . . where did you get the name anyway? Did Pete have a gender or was that-"

"Rainy," Nathan said warningly, holding up a claw hand. "Want it again? Because I think you just told me you wanted it again."

"No! No! Okay no more Pete! I swear!" I laughed.

He put his arm around me so that I could fit into his embrace like a key. I snuggled against him, letting my hand rest on his heartbeat. He was driving so fast that in an instant, the house had faded away behind us.

Chapter Ten

Wed, 15 Nov 2006 22:21:32 GMT

I wanted to bring him back. That was what kept me there all those months: I just wanted him back. Those dark moments when he was gone started out few and far between. I thought that if I just fought hard enough, I could save his life.

It was almost one in the morning when we pulled up to the apartment complex in the rain. The drive there had been nothing short of physically painful. Neither of us had said one word to each other. Every now and then Nathan had sucked in a breath, as if getting ready to tell me something, but then thought better of it.

"Can we just come back later for everything?" I shouted through the rain when we got out of the car. I was clutching my snowglobe and my purse, the only two things I was willing to carry in with me.

Nathan nodded. "Let's get you dry, Rainy. You're shivering."

I wasn't shivering because of the rain, but I couldn't tell him that. The truth was that I was shivering because I had seen something in his eyes that I never, ever wanted to see again. It was a look that had seemed to target me, a look so cold I could feel the breath of it for hours afterward, like the feeling that lingers on you after you leave a haunted house.

Clutching my things, I followed Nathan up the metal stairs and into the apartment. It was dark and still when he unlocked the door, the lightening flashing against the walls like something out of a scary movie. He flipped on the overhead kitchen light as I wrung my hair and shook the water off my arms.

"Let's take a look at that hand," I whispered, nodding at Nathan's bloody wrist. The rain had washed a lot of the blood away, but new lines of it formed all the time and spiraled down his wrist like strange tattoos.

"It's not a big deal. I don't even feel it," he said.

"Well it looks bad. Just put some Hydrogen Peroxide on it."

"That stuff stings. I'll just use a Band-Aid," he said matter-of-factly, tossing me a towel from beside the sink.

It was then that I noticed he was avoiding looking at me, and when he turned his eyes to me for just a second I was shocked by what I saw there. I had expected remorse for breaking the window, maybe even a little embarrassment. But what I saw was fear.

With his back to me, Nathan rested his hands on the countertop and stared ahead out the balcony windows, his eyes as dark as the sky. The lights on the freeway were bleeding into the rain. When I gently touched his shoulder he didn't turn around, but I felt him sigh.

"Nathan I'll take care of it," I said softly.

He shook his head, and when he spoke there was sadness in his voice. "No. You don't have to do that for me. You don't have to do anything for me."

With that, Nathan slipped past me along the counter and walked away, and I heard the bathroom door click shut in the hallway. Left alone and confused, I toweled myself off with the rag and stood around shivering in the darkness. Nathan's apartment had never felt so empty or so lonely. The air conditioner had been fixed a week earlier, so it wasn't nearly as hot in here anymore. But I couldn't help wishing it was. A coldness had seeped inside the walls. No matter what I did I couldn't shake it off, I couldn't get warm.

Crossing my arms over my chest, I walked over to the balcony doors and stared out into the night. The freeway was alive and bright and moving. I pressed my forehead against the glass and took in a shaky breath.

When Nathan came out of the bathroom I saw that he was holding a rag over the bloody cuts. The fear was gone from his eyes, strategically buried under his old facade. He walked over and threw his arms around me and kissed my nose.

"This is so cool, Rainy. . . just you and me," he said.

"Yeah," I smiled. just you and me.

He ran his fingers through my hair. "You just wanna wait till morning to get all your stuff?" he asked.

"I can go back down now. The rain's not so bad. I'll just grab my pillow and blanket and maybe my toothbrush."

"All right, you need help?"

"No I got it," I said, "Thanks though."

I turned and walked out the door, back down the metal steps. Nathan had hidden the darkness so well I started to forget that I had seen it at all. And I couldn't help feeling a little better, more relaxed, even a little excited. I had momentarily let Nathan's anger overshadow the happiness I should have been feeling. I had done it. I was free. I had made a huge decision all by myself. . . For once, I had taken my life into my own hands. So what if he'd broken a window? It was just one glitch in a perfection I had never imagined I would find on the earth.

The rain was slick on the pavement as I ran to the car and pried the door open. My bedding was, of course, buried under a huge pile of stuff. I moved some of the boxes out of the way, grabbed the box marked Bathroom Essentials and tucked it under my arm. Then I tugged on my pillow until I heard something rip and the blanket fell out into my arms, sending me nearly tripping over the wet sidewalk.

"Ouch!" I yelled out loud as my ankle twisted along the curb. When I recovered my balance I turned to go back under the safety of the dry walkway. But it was then that I heard a voice.

"Hey!"

I turned around fast and saw a heavy-set woman with red curly hair peeking out of her door. She was wearing a pink bathrobe, her eyes squinty with sleep.

"Me?" I asked.

"Yeah," she nodded, raising her thick chin. "Will you keep it down out here? I'm trying to sleep."

"I'm sorry. I didn't know I was being so loud."

"Well I've got work in a few hours and a five year old daughter," she said coldly.

I nodded and began to tip-toe past her as quietly as I could, feeling guilty.

"What's your name anyway?" she asked.

I turned to her and hoisted the boxes up in my arms before I could lose my grip on them. "I'm Raina."

The woman smiled, warmth in her brown eyes. "Nice to meet you and sorry I snapped at you. My name is Melissa. You moving in or what?"

"Yeah. I'm Nathan O'Connor's girlfriend," I said.

"Oh, " Melissa nodded, "That's the kid who just moved in here?"

"Yep," I said.

"So you must have met my daughter, Arielle."

"Oh Arielle's your daughter? She's adorable. We love her," I grinned.

And now I could see the resemblance. Arielle and Melissa shared the same firey red hair, the same round cheeks and the same soft, children's eyes. There was an openness, a comfort around both them that made you feel instantly at ease.

Melissa nodded. "Yeah she loves you guys too. Nathan's been a great babysitter while I'm out. I'll tell her you're moving in."

"Thanks," I said, "Well I'd better-"

"Raina?"

It was Nathan, standing on the top of the stairs behind me. I turned and looked up but I couldn't see him in the shadows. I could only feel him there, his presence.

"Who're you talking to?" he asked.

"One of your neighbors. Have you met Melissa? She's Arielle's mom."

He came downstairs and into the light, nodding. "Oh yeah. Hey."

For almost one whole excruciating minute, no one seemed to have anything to say. Nathan wrapped his arms around my stomach and kissed my neck. I laughed and brushed him away, glancing nervously at Melissa, who was just staring at her hands.

"Why don't you come upstairs and help me fix my hand?" he whispered into my ear, his breath hot.

I smiled back at him and handed him a few of the things I was holding. "I'll be up in a minute."

"Come on," he said, and his voice was different now, colder somehow. "Now."

I shrugged and smiled apologetically at Melissa. She just raised her eyebrows.

"Nice meeting you. I guess I'll see you later," I said.

Melissa looked from me to Nathan over and over, as if trying to figure something out in her head, then finally muttered goodnight and closed her door.

"What was that about?" I asked Nathan when we were back in the dim apartment.

"I thought you were coming right back. I was worried. Anything can happen to you out there. You shouldn't tell me you're coming right back when you really plan on talking to everybody you see."

"Come on. . . you knew I was okay. And I was just talking to one person."

"Whatever," he smiled, hoisting himself onto the countertop.

He held out a bottle of Hydrogen Peroxide to me, the label fading and torn.

"You wanna do the honors?" he asked, grinning.

"Not particularly, though it would be nice to hear you scream."

"I never scream," he smirked, "So good luck."

I gently took his hand in mine and studied the damage in the flourescent lighting. It looked much worse than it actually was. The cuts were numerous and jagged, but none of them were very deep. I pulled out what I could of the glittering chips of broken glass. They were hard to see in the dim light, and they were embedded deeply in his skin. I tried to be as gentle as I could but there was only so much I could do. Nathan winced and squeezed my hand tightly when I poured a capful of Hydrogen Peroxide onto the wounds.

"Almost done," I smiled, and I gently pressed a wet rag over his skin.

"Not going to scream," he smiled, breathless with the pain. "Never, never, never going to scream."

"Fine then. You are so stubborn. Give me those Band-Aids will you?"

Nathan tossed me the open box of Band-Aids. I slowly bandaged each cut, washing them clean and using Neosporin. When I was done he smiled at me and smoothed my wet hair, trailing his fingers down my face. His hand was still trembling with the pain, and I closed my eyes and gently kissed his palm.

"That'll make you think twice about putting your fist through a window," I said.

-

In the bedroom before we went to sleep, Nathan turned on the light so I could toss my few belongings onto the bed. I placed the snowglobe on the nightstand and watched it fondly for a moment. It already looked like it belonged there, just like I felt that this was already my home. We fit into Nathan's life like the right words into a story.

"I got a surprise for you," Nathan said.

"What is it?" I asked curiously, tearing my eyes away from the snowglobe.

"Something you've been wanting for weeks."

I grinned, blushing. "Nathan. . ."

"Not that you pervert," he laughed, "Something else you want. I know I've been a jerk today, so I want to make it up to you."

"Come on, you haven't."

"Rainy, no matter how stupid a guy is, he knows enough to know when he's screwed up."

"So show me the surprise then," I laughed.

I stood up so that he could kiss me on the forehead, hard and swift. Then he went to the closet and pulled out a canvas with a sheet over it.

"Is this the-" I began.

"Broken glass? Yeah," he said, "Tell me when."

My stomach flip-flopped with excitement.

"Now," I said, and the sheet puddled to the floor.

I held my breath. All I could hear was the rain and the beating of my own heart, and I let that moment wash over me again and again. I wanted to make it last forever, because in front of me was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

It was a painting, or at least it was going to be. For now it was an outline of a girl with white hair, her eyes filled with sadness and turned up to the sky. Her arms were crossed over her chest like the Virgin Mary in all those pictures. In the background there were crowds of people, their faces too shadowy to make out. They reminded me of spirits sulking in the corners of a dark house.

But the girl was the most amazing part. . . Part of her face was a mosaic of pink and clear glass, cut and shattered into different shapes. Her eyes were pieces of clear glass. Her stomach was outlined in blue, and I could tell that he was slowly working towards the middle, using other colors like red and white and green and even pieces of a mirror so that I could see my own reflection there. In her hair hung broken pieces of mirror and white glass that trickled down her face slowly and effortlessly, like the rain. She looked like a fairy, and she was me. . . she was *me*. I knew her the moment I saw her.

"God," I finally breathed, "It's beautiful. . . Where did you get all that glass?"

"Around," he shrugged.

"What made you think about this? I mean, where did the idea come from?"

"That night I met you I had a dream. I was a little stoned so I bet it was some kind of trip or something. But in the dream I saw you at the party, broken up in pieces. Pieces that caught the sun."

I smiled, practically melting at his feet. "You're putting me together then?"

"I guess," he said.

I walked over to the painting, running my fingers over the smooth glass pieces. The canvas almost came up to my hips. Upon closer inspection I could see that he was no where near being finished, but somehow I could still clearly envision, like the writer of a story, the end in all its perfection. The glass was cool and jagged on the sides. I closed my eyes and took in the feel of it. It was like touching magic.

"I've never seen anything like it. You could sell this. Make money off it."

"Well. . . it's yours. I mean, it's sort of your present."

I smiled at him, suddenly feeling like I needed to cry. "Thank you so much. This is the most beautiful thing anyone's ever given me."

"You don't have to say that just to make me happy. It's not even done. I don't like the eyes, and I'm thinking there's a bit too much color. Oh and I also don't think it's balanced."

"Balanced?"

Nathan glanced down at the canvas. "Mm hm. In most paintings there's a little center object, like a focal point, that balances the whole thing and draws your eye in and then back out. All real artists do it, but I just don't think this one has it yet."

I had no idea what he was talking about. To me, it was perfect just the way it was. I knew nothing about art, but this was exactly what I imagined it should look like. With my heart still fluttering, I looked closer at the painting and saw the name he had written at the bottom. Very tiny, in sharp black letters. Niamh.

"What's this mean? Niamh?"

Nathan shrugged. "It's stupid. It's just a story my grandma used to tell me before she died."

"What is it?" I asked, straightening up to look at him.

"Nothing. It's just mythology. It doesn't mean anything."

"Tell me," I pressed.

Nathan gently propped the painting against the wall so that we could sit down on the bed together. He stared at it, as if seeing something else there, something that even I could not see.

"Well, my grandma was Irish. She moved here with my dad when he was a baby, but she'd grown up there in Galway with all these myths and stuff. And she used to tell me this one about this guy named Oisin."

I was silent. Somehow I could never have pictured Nathan listening to stories as a child, or even having a grandma for that matter. He kept his past so closed off it had become difficult to imagine that he'd had a past at all.

"Tell me more," I said.

Nathan reached forward and wiped a fingerprint off of one the pieces of mirror. I could see his reflection there as he touched it so tenderly, so lovingly, like it was a child. His voice was so quiet when he spoke I had to strain to hear him.

"Oisin was a really great hunter who was so famous that everybody knew who he was, and one day he was hanging out with his friends in the woods and this beautiful woman came up to him. Her name was Niamh. My grandma said she was so beautiful you could tell immediately that she wasn't from this world. And she said she had fallen in love with him out of all the men in the world and wanted to take him to Tir Na Nog, even though he was mortal."

"What's Tir Na Nog?"

Nathan was still staring at the painting, and for a moment I thought he hadn't heard me because his eyes were so far away. But then he spoke. "Tir Na Nog was this magical island where you're young forever and you can do whatever you want. There's no pain or suffering there. Everything's beautiful and you get whatever you wish for."

"Sounds cool," I grinned.

"It was. I wanted to live there so bad when I was a kid. I even tried to run away and go there once when I was six. You should've seen the look on the bus driver's face when I said where I was headed," he chuckled.

"Are you kidding me? That's adorable."

"Yeah well my parents didn't think so," he smiled.

"So what happened next?"

"Well when he heard what she was saying, Oisin fell so in love with her that he left his friends and his entire life right there in the woods and rode off with her to Tir Na Nog. They lived there for 300 years, and they got married and were really happy together. But then Oisin started missing his family and friends and stuff, so he asked to go back to Ireland for a visit. See, he thought that he had been there only a few years. Niamh knew how long it had really been, but she didn't tell him because she knew it would crush him. Instead she gave him this magic horse to go back with and told him not to let his feet touch the ground or he wouldn't be able to come back to Tir Na Nog."

"I have a feeling this ends bad."

Nathan smiled. "Yeah. None of those old myths turn out happy do they?"

"Oh don't ruin it for me. Keep going."

Nathan cleared his throat. "Oisin said that he'd be careful, but when he got back to Ireland he saw that the whole place had changed and that his friends and family and even himself had become legends. Nothing was the same as it used to be, and he was really sad. And then as he was leaving to go back to Tir Na Nog the saddle broke, and he fell off the horse. The second he touched the ground the horse disappeared and he turned into this blind old man. He couldn't go back to Tir Na Nog but he couldn't stay in Ireland either, so he just died all miserable, sad and blind. No one knew who he was, so they buried him right there."

"Wow. That's depressing. What happened to Niamh?" I asked.

"Some other stories said she went and looked for him, but by then he was already dead. It was too late. Then while she was there she was kidnapped by some fairies or something."

I chuckled. "That's weird."

"Yeah it is," Nathan said, and he gently touched the painting again, this time like he was touching a memory. There was a sadness in his eyes that was so deep and black it reminded me of a well.

"But you know, everytime I imagined Niamh when I was a kid I sort of imagined a girl who looked like you. And then when I saw you it was like. . . I had gotten something. Like a wish or something. I don't know. It sounds lame, but I can't explain what I mean."

I smiled and watched his eyes searching the canvas for the words he couldn't find. Then I gently took his hand and covered it with my own, hearing the rain drumming on the roof.

-

The storms stopped towards the end of the month. What was left of the puddles bubbled under the sun, and mirages floated like spirits on the car tops. There was nothing but the long stretching heat, flexing its muscles like a cat on the pavement.

I did not see Black again in Nathan's eyes. In fact he was unusually sweet to me after I moved in, doing all the little things he knew I loved. I began to forget that the night with the broken window and the rain was even real. All I knew was that I was with Nathan, and he was with me.

I hardly ever saw anyone else, except when I went to work. And even that was a fragile contact, since Nathan slowly began dropping hints that I should quit my job. At first I wouldn't even listen, but the more he mentioned it the more he got me thinking about it too, making me really want to. I had worked at the grocery store for almost three years, and I was deffinetely ready to move on. I just didn't want to leave all the financial burdens to Nathan. That summer we always had more than enough for the bills, but I worried about what would happen when we both went back to school in the fall.

One morning I woke up, and he crawled over my body and kissed me before I could even open up my eyes all the way. I could feel the mattress sinking with his weight and I smiled at him, too sleepy to ask what he wanted. Usually he did this; before he left for work he would wake me up, talk with me for just a second before disappearing.

"Quit that job," he whispered, fluttering my eyelashes with his own. He smelled like toothpaste and aftershave. "I can take care of everything from now on. I'm gonna take care of you, Rainy."

And that was that. I didn't even bother putting in my two weeks notice. I was so happy to get out of there I barely went back to pick up my last paycheck. It was my first summer since childhood that I wasn't somehow working: a lemonade stand, a car wash, mowing lawns, fast food. I had been working my entire life, give or take a few years. It felt great to not have any responsibilities hanging over me.

In fact, nothing hung over me except the white hot sky and the dreams of a fabulous future with Nathan. I had already named our non-existent children and planned our wedding. I was living in a fantasy, but it felt so good and so real that I knew neither of us would dare to shatter it.

The days in the last two weeks of July were long and hot. I didn't go anywhere. Without work I realized I hardly had a social life. I barely saw Lily and Adam Finn anymore. They were busy with each other and their own lives. Most of the time I just stayed in the apartment and cleaned by myself. Then I would hang my feet off of the balcony and sing out of tune with songs from the radio. Nathan hated the music I listened to, so it was always a treat to be alone with the stereo and my cds.

However, even this lost its appeal after awhile and I started thinking more and more about applying for jobs again. I didn't mention it though. Nathan loved having me home when he got off work. He told me once that it made him feel like everything was right in the world when he came home and found me in my bare feet making microwave pizzas and watching Jerry Springer. I didn't get it, and I didn't want to rain on his parade by telling him I wanted to work again. He seemed too happy for me to destroy it.

So I found other things to occupy my long days. I ended up spending more time with Melissa and Arielle after I met them for a second time at the Laundromat. We washed our clothes together and chatted endlessly about nothing. The long hours when Nathan was at work I often crept out of the apartment, down the stairs to their door. Melissa was in her thirties. She worked part time as a secretary for a company I had never heard of. When she worked, which was usually only a few days out of the week, I babysat Arielle for her.

"So how's that boyfriend of yours?" she asked me as we stood outside of the Laundromat one hot morning.

"Fine," I shrugged, "Everything's so perfect. . . It's hard to believe it's real."

Melissa just smiled, blowing a stream of cigarette smoke out of the corner of her mouth. She was smiling in a way that told me she knew so much more than she let on. "I never see him. He's like a ghost."

I shrugged. "He's pretty quiet."

"So you just hang out there all day alone?"

"Yeah. It's really not so bad."

"Well come visit with me whenever you want. I get lonely too. Arielle's not much for entertainment."

So I did. After that I took up her offer and started to spend more and more time at their apartment. Melissa was good company, but we never had much to talk about. It was only her and Arielle living in the apartment. We usually ended up sitting on her couch watching Entertainment, gossiping about celebrities neither of us cared about. Arielle just played with her Barbies and was quiet a lot of the time. I sometimes stayed there all day until Nathan came home from work at four.

The nights with Nathan and the days with Melissa were like two different worlds. But they were never hard to balance as long as I didn't mix them. My days were long and hot, and my nights were swift and full of whispers in the darkness as we laid in bed, his hands on my stomach. They never lasted long enough. . . nothing seemed to.

It was on one of those thick hot days that I discovered something that sent both my fantasies and my realities, my nights and my mornings into a spiral of worry.

Being at the apartment all day, I had a lot of time to unpack and look around. I was in the bathroom shoving my deodorant and soaps into the drawers. Nathan had just left for work; the mirror was still steamy from his shower. By then I had almost completely unpacked that area of the house and was ready to move on to the bedroom and closet. As I started to close the middle drawer, something rolled past my toothpaste and into my hand. It was a bottle of prescription pills, about half empty. Nathan's name was on the label beside the name of the drug. Phentermine. Weren't those diet pills? I had a sudden flashback of Lily going through her "I'm fat" phase and begging her mother for a prescription of them. But why was Nathan taking them?

I didn't worry much at first. There had to be a good explanation. When he came home from work that day I confronted him in the best way I could manage.

"What are these?" I asked innocently, shaking the bottle a little and making the pills rattle.

Nathan looked up from what he was doing. For a moment he just stared at me, then his eyes flashed with anger. I blinked, taken aback by the sudden change in his demeanor. He walked over to me and grabbed the hand that was holding the bottle. He yanked me forward. I stumbled, but he pulled me up by my arm before I could fall. He was gripping my wrist so tight my skin burned. My heart was beating a thousand times a minute. What was going on?

"What the fuck are you doing! Why the fuck do you have these!"

"I just found them in the bathroom when I was unpacking. Nathan calm down, okay?" I said, my eyes filling with tears from the pain. "Phentermine? Aren't those diet pills? Why the hell are you taking diet pills?"

"Why the hell are you such a nosy bitch!" he yelled, shoving me back but still holding my wrist.

For one horrifying second I thought he was going to hit me. I held my arm up to protect my face.

"Nathan. . . please," I choked, my voice pathetically fading away into tears.

Immediately I felt his grip on my wrist soften, and he pulled me into his arms. I stole a glance up at him. Nathan's blue eyes were blinking and filled with confusion, as if he had just woken up in a room he didn't recognize. I felt him kiss my hair, breathing hard against the top of my head. When he spoke his voice was cracking with pain.

"I'm sorry, god I'm so sorry. I just had a bad day, that's all. I didn't mean anything I just said to you. I love you, Rainy. Oh Jesus. . . I didn't mean it. I didn't mean to yell at you like that. . ."

I let the tears leak out, warm and wet against his shirt. I was still clutching the Phentermine in my hand behind his back, my wrist stinging and throbbing. "Well why do you take them though? Please tell me."

Nathan pulled away and smoothed my hair, kissing me softly as he smudged away my remaining tears with his thumbs.

"Well I take them to keep me awake sometimes because I have stuff I want to work on. Sometimes I take them when I have to clean the apartment or get stuff done for school. They really wake you up."

"How did you get a prescription? I mean, you're so skinny already. What doctor would believe you wanted to lose weight?"

"The internet. You can get anything on the internet if you find the right place. Just write out some stuff about yourself and they give you a prescription, just like that. It's not a big deal Rainy, they aren't even illegal. Sometimes me and the guys take them before a show to clear our heads and make us play better. That's all. They're harmless. I get them from this website that's really professional. A doctor runs it and everything."

"I didn't know," I said, "I'm sorry."

"No. You're not the one who should be sorry," he whispered, gently touching my face.

My wrist never bruised. I used this fact as proof that he had not really hurt me. We never talked about that day again. . . But after that I began to notice if he had taken the Phentermine or not.

Some nights he was up all night while I tried desperately to sleep. He would be restless, pacing the room until I finally agreed to go outside with him on the balcony as he smoked a cigarette to calm down and dangled his legs over the side, tapping fast beats onto the hollow bars. He had to be doing something with his hands. I just yawned and tried not to fall asleep under the hot summer nights. I wished he would stop taking the pills. If he took them in the morning, they made him high all day and irritable in the evenings so I could never say anything around him. If he took them at night he was up well into the morning and keeping me awake too. I just couldn't win.

But every night, regardless of the Phentermine, he worked on my painting before we went to bed, gluing the broken glass endlessly, smaller and smaller pieces. The apartment smelled like the chemical heat of the glue gun, and I nursed his burned hands with kisses while we laid in bed afterwards.

I sat and watched him working most of the time. We talked about our days and joked back and forth and listened to music, but I never told him what piece went where. After all, I never seemed to know. Sometimes he would have to stop and look at me for a long time, thinking something over in his head and rubbing the glass piece he was holding between his fingers. Then he would smile and say, "I've got it." and proceed to glue down the glittering chip to my hair or face. Every day that went by, I looked sadder and sadder in the picture and the crowd behind me seemed further and further away.

Since I had moved in with Nathan, my world had changed dramatically. And I hated to say it. . . but I was lonely. I missed Lily and Adam Finn terribly. I even missed my job at the grocery store. Life with Nathan was beautiful, but it was beginning to feel more and more like Tir Na Nog: a dangerous illusion that might fall out from under me at any moment.

Chapter Nine

Tue, 07 Nov 2006 15:19:48 GMT

I did not stop crying even after I called Nathan and told him what I was doing, even after I heard how happy and relieved he sounded. Every time I thought about my father, the tears would come again. I knew that he had no idea how badly he had hurt me with his indifference. I knew that what I really should have wanted was exactly what I was getting: a clean break, no strings attached, no tears. Since when had I let my father get to me? But god. . . there it was anyway branding a reality on the forefront of my mind. How could he just turn away like I didn't even matter?

Nathan showed up a half hour after my father had gone to bed. It was raining again, the sky ripping open in the middle like a pillow. When I answered the door for him he was soaking wet and beautiful; I could see his skin glistening in the light of the streetlamps.

"I brought you some labels. You know, if you wanna label boxes or something," he said, trying to speak over the sound of the thunderstorm.

In his hand was a soggy package of stickers, about half of them gone. I smiled and shook my head, then I wrapped him in my arms to hold him against me. It's always the insignificant things like a half-used package of stickers that make you love someone so much. When they're gone, those are the things that you remember the best.

The house was quiet when we walked back to my bedroom. I had turned off all the lights, but the lightening flickered constantly in through the windows. When it did I could see the rain, streaky and silver running down the windowpanes.

"Oh Rainy," Nathan sighed in my bedroom. He could see me clearly for the first time, see that my eyes were red with tears. "Don't cry, baby. . ."

I sat down on the bed and stared at my folded hands, too ashamed to lift my face. There was rain in Nathan's hair. He knelt down beside me and kissed my forehead, then my eyes and my mouth, as if every place he touched was a wound that he was healing. I could taste the salty rainwater on his lips. And he wrapped his arms around me so that I could feel his heat and the places where my body fit against his, like we were two pieces of a letter that had been torn apart, my frayed edges fitting with his the way it should have been all along. Even though I could feel him dripping all over my clothes, I didn't pull away. I could have stayed there forever.

"Nathan," I whispered, because I had just wanted to say his name.

"What happened?"

"Nothing. I'm just being stupid," I said.

I could not tell Nathan the real reason. I felt ashamed that after all the mean things I had thought about my father, his opinion still mattered to me the most. I felt embarrassed that his attitude was hurting me at all. If Aaron would have been there he would have told me that it wasn't the most important thing. I knew exactly what he would have done. He would have pressed on like he always did towards The Absolute Truth, taking me with him. But maybe that hadn't always been the best way.

I looked up and stared into Nathan's eyes, unsure but willing. They were bright blue. The color was as sharp and brilliant as stained glass. How could it be possible to love someone so much when you didn't know them at all? Still lacking the facts I thought I had needed to love Nathan completely, I had now fallen in love with different things instead: the way he smelled, the way he breathed, the sounds he made in the back of his throat when we were kissing. Nathan had made me realize that you don't fall in love with someone after you know them. . . you fall in love with them whether you want to or not. If there's any sort of physical law over the emotion, that's what it is.

I put my lips against his t-shirt and breathed him in, over and over and over. I wanted to make love to him right there on my empty bed, but I forced myself to push that thought away. We had work to do.

"So where do you want to start?" he asked.

"With boxes."

"With boxes," he repeated, and he touched his finger to my nose. "Rainy, you are somethin' else."

-

We started with the closet, both of us working at a feverish pace. Dust filled the bedroom and filled our vision, making us choke. I couldn't believe all the things I found. It was like my entire childhood had broken into pieces and hid in various corners all over my bedroom. I found my first science fair project, the goofy "Certificate of Kindness" award I had received in second grade after helping a new kid find the bathroom, my favorite stuffed animal, my Nancy Drew collection, and finally. . . I found one of Aaron's planets.

It was a styrophome ball still bearing his fingerprints in the dried paint. Jupiter maybe. . . or Neptune. I couldn't remember how to tell them apart, and most of the color had worn off. It had also caved in on one side due to a couple of my shoes smashing it down into the floor. At first I had no idea why it was there, but then I remembered. After that first science fair he had told me to pick my favorite one and take it home with me. He didn't want it, he had said, because he could see the real thing through his telescope anyway. So together we had taken it apart that afternoon, playing dodgeball with Saturn and peeling the sun on the way home, letting the juice run down our chins.

Before Nathan could see it, I tossed it into the trashcan we had set up behind us, vowing not to look back. I heard it thunk down all the way to the bottom, and the sound was satisfying.

Next we threw my clothes into trash bags without bothering to fold them right. My shoes followed. A bunch of the stuff, I'm sad to say, found its way into the garbage can.

Finally it was under the bed, then the drawers. In less then three hours we had thrown everything I owned into ten big brown boxes, except for the furniture, which would either have to stay or be picked up later if we could manage finding a truck. I doubted my father would help me. There was also a pile of "junk" that I wanted to keep but didn't have room to pack. I decided to leave it there, hoping my father would recognize its significance and keep it safe for me.

By the time we were done my room was so empty it looked ten times bigger than it really was. I had pulled my sweaty hair into a bun on the top of my head, and I could feel it swaying dangerously as I looked around for the last time. . .

It was bittersweet. I had lived in this bedroom for sixteen years, since we had moved into the neighborhood when I was two. I had grown up here. I had met Lily here. I had hung out with Aaron here. And finally, I had fallen in love with Nathan here. . .

"What about this?" Nathan asked.

I looked over my shoulder at him. He had just come back from taking a load to the car. He looked exhausted, his face flushed and his hair sweaty and wet with the rain. Beautiful.

I looked at what he was cradling in his hands, the butterfly snowglobe from off my nightstand. The snowglobe was easily the most important thing I owned. I had waited until the last second to decide what to do with it, how I should take it with me. I knew that if it broke by some careless fault of my own, I could never forgive myself.

I ran to Nathan and grabbed it out of his hands, like it was so fragile it would shatter there. Then we sat down on the bed together.

"This is extremely important. I'll take it myself," I said.

Nathan ran his hand over the smooth glass bulb that grew out of the base like a bubble. The two butterflies inside were distorted by the water and glass, growing bigger like holograms when you turned them the right way.

"What's so special about it?"

"My mom picked it out for me. She was so excited about having a baby she bought me all this stuff before I was born. She didn't know for sure, like medically, but she just knew I would be a girl."

According to my father, my mother had been like that. She had been the type of woman who just knew things. Because of it I had always been a little envious of her. It didn't seem fair that everything I knew, I'd had to learn a painful lesson to acquire.

Nathan nodded. "So I guess you got a thing for butterflies don't you?"

"What makes you say that? I didn't even pick this out."

"Your tattoo."

"Oh," I laughed, looking down at the bandage, "Yeah. I guess so."

I put the snowglobe onto the nightstand before we flopped back onto the empty bed, sighing and sleepy. My whole body ached. I was incredibly sore from picking up heavy boxes all night, and my tattoo was throbbing again. Nathan kissed me on the forehead and held me close to him, his skin smelling like something that made my mouth water.

"I'm so glad you're doing this, Rainy," he said.

"Me too," I answered, running my fingers up and down his back.

He nestled into the crook between my shoulder and neck, and I could feel his breath fluttering softly against my throat.

"Raina," he said, "It's what you want right?"

"Of course," I smiled, "Why do you ask?"

"Because I just don't know how I found a girl as perfect as you, and it doesn't make sense. And I'm scared it's not really real."

I didn't know how to answer him, so I just kissed him on the forehead. It was something that I had been noticing since the first moment I met him: Nathan had a problem with doubt. . . somewhere along the line, his trust in anything had been shattered irreparably. How I wanted to be the one to piece it back together.

We laid there for a long time, exhausted from our packing. It was almost midnight. He traced over my back with his hands, making imaginary works of art on my skin. I was so sleepy I started dreaming with my eyes open.

"I could stay like this forever," I said.

"Mm hm," he murmured.

That was the last thing he said. I heard him starting to fall asleep. The change in his breathing was so subtle I had to think about it to notice it. I was afraid to move and wake him up, so I just cradled him in my arms and counted the inhales and exhales, reveling in the closeness.

My neck was aligned so that all I could see was the snowglobe out of the corner of my eye. It was the one bit of color in my now bare, white room. The snowglobe was what had gotten me through every painful night of my childhood. It was beautiful. Inside the glass bubble there were two porcelain butterflies in the center, resting on daisies. Their wings were yellow and orange. I had named them when I was a child, but I forgot what. On the bottom of the base there was a metal piece that you could wind up. Apart from being a snowglobe, it also played a sad wavering song that filled up the whole room. My father knew the words. He had taught them to me on late nights when I couldn't sleep because of all the made up monsters inside my head.

My neck was hurting and I couldn't breathe under the weight of Nathan's body. I shifted ever so slightly, but his eyes fluttered open anyway, and he smiled at me.

"Sorry," he said quietly, "I'm so tired."

"That's okay. You wanna hear what it plays?" I asked him.

"What plays?" he murmured sleepily.

"The snowglobe."

"Oh. Sure."

I had needed an excuse to change positions, and I was glad for the warm rush of relief that ran down my spine when I sat up. The song was "I Only Have Eyes For You". It was a tune that made me think instantly of the silky black and white of 1940's love stories, kisses so hard they look like they hurt, milky tears that you can literally feel through the movie screen.

"Are the stars out tonight? I don't know if it's cloudy or bright 'cause I only have eyes for you, Dear," Nathan sang, making me giggle.

"The moon may be high, but I can't see a thing in the sky, 'cause I only have eyes for you," I chimed in.

Nathan touched the tip of my nose. "I don't know the rest. Something about a garden."

I knew the exact words and the exact pauses and the exact rhythm, but I didn't tell him that. Instead I said, "It's like, 'I don't know if we're in a garden or on a crowded street, because I only have eyes for you.' Something like that."

"We could totally be a musical. Come on, let's go jump on a park bench and do synchronized dance movements. I'll wear my top hat!"

"Shut up," I laughed, "You are ruining the moment."

"Oh really?" he said, now fully awake and looking around my bedroom, "There's a moment here? Where? I don't see a moment."

"I am going to hit you."

He kissed me on the cheek and tickled my stomach until I screamed. "Okay I'll let you have your moment, weirdo," he said, "But I still get to wear my top hat."

"You already ruined it," I gasped, grinning.

"Then we'll just have to start it over."

I sat up and started the snowglobe again. The tune picked up right where it had left off, and I settled back into Nathan's arms. I only have eyes for you, I thought.

-

I never woke my father up to tell him I was leaving after Nathan and I finished packing the car. I had been planning to at least say goodbye to him, but every time I thought of it another surge of anger would rush through me as hot as an electrical current. I didn't want to give him Nathan's number or address. I didn't want him to know where I was going or if I would ever be back. I wanted to hurt him as much as he had hurt me. And mostly, I wanted him to wake up and realize I wasn't there.

It was pouring rain by then, and the wind was whipping back and forth across the front yard like a trapped animal. Nathan and I hurried out to the car holding a few last minute things that hadn't fit into the boxes. I was clutching my snowglobe, which was wrapped in papers to keep it safe. Every now and then a note would squeeze out of it like a drop of water through a crack.

I was absently staring out the window when Nathan opened up the car door and climbed in beside me, sighing loudly. He had been stuffing some things into the trunk, and he was now so wet I could hear the water dripping off of him.

"Well let's look at it this way, I don't have to shower tomorrow."

"No comment," I smirked.

"Yeah you're probably not gonna let me have hygiene problems now that you're living with me. That always happens when you get a girl involved."

I laughed and playfully fluttered my eyelashes. "I finally get to clean the place and hang up pink curtains and wear pearls while I vacuum."

Nathan leaned across the seat to kiss me. At first I kissed him back, let him put his hand on the back of my head to keep my close. But my mind was still full of thoughts of my mother and father. Something was wrong. . . something felt very wrong. . . but since I couldn't place what it was I couldn't make it right. All I knew was that I suddenly felt like I could not breathe, and the icy beginnings of panic sparked in my chest.

"Nathan, will you stop?" I gasped, pulling away from him.

"What's wrong?"

I couldn't tell him that I was still angry over something so stupid, so I shook my head. He would never understand about my parents. I was sure of it. In fact, I wasn't going to give him the chance to try and understand it.

"Nothing," I said.

"Come on, tell me," he whispered, "You look so sad."

"I'm fine! Will you just drop it?" I snapped.

Nathan looked at me, his eyes full of confusion. "Oh. . . sure."

I knew that I had hurt his feelings, and my heart twisted with the guilt of it. I had never meant to hurt him.

"I'm sorry, Nathan."

"It's nothing," he said sharply, but I knew it wasn't okay.

There was an icy, black silence after he spoke. Not looking at me, Nathan pulled the keys out of his back pocket and tried to start the car. The engine sputtered. As usual, it was giving us trouble. Nathan's car was so old and so worn out I was surprised he was able to drive it at all. The paint was peeling off and the interior was torn and the air conditioning was broken and all we could pick up on the radio was a couple of science-fiction like sounds and some static. Usually we just joked about it, but I could tell that neither of us was in the mood tonight. The longer it was taking to start up, the more anxious I was beginning to feel.

"Piece of shit," he mumbled.

Nathan took the key out for a few seconds, hoping a pause would solve the problem, then put it in again on a third attempt. But the engine only sputtered helplessly, like something stuck under a rock. Nathan rubbed his forehead. He looked so defeated. . . but something else was there too, something that looked like anger and embarrassment, a sort of deep shame that made me feel even worse for hurting his feelings.

"We have jump cables," I said weakly, "If you want-"

"God!" he yelled, raising his fist and slamming it into the window next to his head, shattering the pieces all over the driveway.

I jumped and bit back a scream, my heart hammering inside my chest. Nathan got out and slammed the door so hard the car swayed, and I felt like I was on a ship, tossing in that awful storm. What was left of the broken glass trickled down onto the cement outside. I had been holding my breath and finally let it out in one long whoosh, my head dizzy from the lack of oxygen. Still in shock, I watched him throw open the hood and tamper with the engine as I sat still, shaking and feeling like something cold and dark had just fallen on me.

I didn't know what to do. I was thinking, should I say something? should I get out of the car? Maybe I could make it right somehow. A poisonous, whispery voice was telling me that I had been the cause of this. But I was so afraid I couldn't do anything except sit there in my seat, frozen.

This was the first moment, but certainly not the last, that I became aware of the presence of Black. Black was the color his eyes turned when something made him angry. It swallowed up the other colors and the lights and the reflections that I loved so much. Black was the shadow that became the core of my nightmares. It could change form. It could read minds. It could squeeze under doors and through cracks in walls. It could take on any form. There was no where to hide from something so indefinite.

I had never seen Nathan mad, really mad, until that night. The guy who made me laugh and who kissed my fingers was gone, replaced by a nightmare who had taken his form.

Glass was on the seat, on the floor. Rain was pouring in onto the side of my leg. Not knowing what else to do, I reached over and picked up the biggest pieces to clear the area. They clinked in my hand like pennies. I cut my palm open on one of them and blood smeared on my jean shorts. I knew it didn't matter. My fingers were trembling so much anyway I couldn't feel the pain.

That was the night I started making excuses for Nathan. He just can't handle things like other people, it was only a window, windows don't feel anything, he's under stress. I felt better repeating these things to myself, as if they were prayers I had memorized for comfort.

When Nathan came back I tried to act normal. And he seemed normal too, like nothing had even happened. He smiled, he kissed me.

"That should do it," he said.

The car started just fine, and the engine sang under the hood. Neither of us mentioned the look I had seen in his eyes or the shattered window or the rain that was blowing into the car. Maybe if we ignored it, it would go away.

"It's working?" I asked.

"Mm hm. It does this sometimes when it's wet or cold out."

"Oh."

"I should probably take it into the shop tomorrow."

"Yeah. Good idea."

"You want some music?"

"Sure."

Nathan turned on the radio. Mostly there was just static and strange whistles, but on one of the stations we could just make out Stairway To Heaven playing, garbled and quiet.

"That'll have to do," he smiled.

"It's fine," I said quickly, afraid to make him angry again.

We started off down the road, the wind whistling through the broken glass. I watched my childhood neighborhood blurring beside me, and there was a desperate tugging feeling in my stomach. It was the feeling of leaving a place and knowing that you will never see it again.

Nathan reached over and took my hand in his. When I felt his touch I knew it was all okay. He was still just Nathan; it had just been an accident. I let the broken glass fall into his hand from mine, where I had been clutching it so hard the shattered imprints were in my palms.

"Hey, thanks. I can use all the broken glass I can get right now," he smiled, taking the pieces from me and tossing them on the dash, like he had just rolled dice with our fate written on them. . . it was all a game.

"Your hand is bleeding," I whispered, noticing the thin lines of blood running up his arm, the blood on my hand that he had left there like a scar.

Nathan looked down at the gashes, furling his eyebrows. "Oh wow, you're right," he laughed, "Crap."

The fact that he could somehow laugh at this made me feel a little better. Maybe we would both be laughing about it by the morning.

"Do you want a Band-Aid?" I asked, "There's some back in the house."

"Nope," he said, "Let's get you home."

Home. When he said the word I felt exactly what it meant. I felt the warmth of sleeping in late on the weekends, the smell of yourself in the pillows and sheets, and the safety you feel when you come inside and lock the door behind you. I felt sanctuary. And I knew at that moment that my home was with Nathan. Wherever he went, there I would be too. He was my hiding place.

"Are you hurting?" I asked him.

"No. It's not a big deal," Nathan smiled, "We can fix it, right?"

I nodded, managing a weak smile. We can fix it.

"I love you, Raina," he said.

I closed my eyes and clutched the snowglobe in my hands and forced myself not to look in the rearview mirror. I made myself look ahead. We were driving south, into the blackness and lightening of the storm.

"I love you too," I whispered.

Chapter Eight

Tue, 31 Oct 2006 02:08:44 GMT

The next three weeks were the best weeks of my life. I spent every possible second with Nathan. Already, he finished my sentences for me. Already, he could sense if I was having a bad day or if I was in pain. Already, he knew where to touch me to send goosebumps tripping down my arms. Yet he was still such a mystery to me. It didn't seem fair that he knew me so well and I could not know him the same way. . .

Towards the end of July, it started to rain. Rain came down from every direction. Cold, foggy mornings and soaked midnights and afternoons heavy with the promise of more. Rivers on the sidewalk. My shoes were worn through with water. It rained and rained and rained and rained until everything was so green it looked sick. Adam Finn's pool was covered with leaves and the bugs were swimming in the grass.

Only Nathan and I mattered as we stood watching the street turn to mud outside, the thick water rushing hungrily in the gutters and taking the dust down with it. Nathan wrote songs to the sound of the storms and gave them to me. The lyrics were always about us, stupid things we did that only we would understand. These were the proof, the evidence of our world.

I started to spend the night at his apartment at least a few times a week. We would sit on the warm concrete of the balcony and dangle our legs into the air, talking and kissing. When I put my face through the steel bars that separated us from death, I could see the cars on the interstate moving like electric sparks.

"See all of this?" Nathan would say, waving his hand around. "We found each other in all of this. How lucky are we?"

"Lucky," I would tell him.

We always went inside when the sun started to rise and the morning was getting too bright and hot to bear. He would play his guitar for me, strum some song I didn't know without the amp plugged in, so it was quiet and peaceful to listen to. I would stand around his bedroom in my bare feet eyeing the walls for poster space and mapping out where his stuff would go. A few of the boxes had already disappeared. Nathan and I had unpacked at least half of the living room, and the apartment was starting to feel like home to me.

At first Adam Finn and Lily were there with us just like they had always been before, watching a movie at Nathan's apartment or going downtown in Lily's car. The moments when Nathan and I were alone started out precious and far between. Sometimes it was desperate: us sneaking a kiss behind the bathroom door, laughing before someone could come and catch us, knowing we were doomed the entire time. I would love those moments. He would take hold of my wrist as I passed by him in the hallway, pulling me into some dark space with him and shoving me against the wall as he molded me with his mouth, kneading me into a different shape with his lips. That delicious fear, that frantic touching for only a second, our breathing fast and helpless. We were so hungry.

We made out in the back of the movie theater with a group of fifth graders sitting in front of us, in a janitor's closet left open at the mall, in a ladies dressing room in Dillards, in a broken phone booth off Elm Street.

"How long do we have?" he asked me one night in the car after Lily and Adam had gone into Blockbuster to rent a movie.

"Five minutes if we hurry," I smiled at him.

He pulled me across the seat and pressed his mouth to mine. I felt the door handle dig into my spine as I tangled my fingers into his hair.

"Oh Rainy, Rainy, Rainy," he whispered helplessly into my neck, "I want you so bad."

Then other times it was passionate. All by ourselves in the apartment, the rain on the windowpane, his lips and breath on my stomach. The lights would be gone. I could only make out his eyes hovering above me and feel where he was going, his hot skin on mine as I guided his hands to places no one had ever been.

I never stopped him. Instead I always just wanted him to go further. Nathan took away every bit of common sense I'd ever had. I wanted us to make love, more than I had ever wanted anything in my entire life. We came close a few times. Surprisingly it was me who led the way. I let him trail his hands over my skin, under my clothing, down my stomach, down, down until my whole body buckled and I had to cling onto him for support. When I tried to do the same to him, he always pulled away. For some reason Nathan never wanted me to walk my hands up under his shirt, over his naked skin.

"Just let me," I would whisper, "What are you so afraid of?"

And that last question would always make him turn away from me, angry, the mood broken.

"Maybe I should just go."

"Rainy, I'm sorry. Don't leave. Please. I don't wanna be alone," he would say to me with his eyes full of fear.

I had no idea why, but Nathan never seemed to want to be alone, especially in the apartment. When he looked at me like that, how could I deny him? I would settle into his arms, planning to leave after he fell asleep. . . but I always drifted off too, listening to the sound of his heart beating.

-

Everyday I found new messages on our answering machine, candy in my pockets, even flowers. . . white daises in the mailbox after work one day, staring up at me with their wide innocent faces. They smelled like sunshine.

"I've never felt like this about anybody," he would whisper into my ear, holding me as we stood on his balcony overlooking the freeway, the headlights streaming like rain. We swayed to music in our heads as he touched my hair, wound his fingers in it.

We spent all the time we could, when he wasn't working, in the apartment watching tv or unpacking what was left of the boxes. Sometimes he played songs for me on his guitar or showed me some pictures he was drawing. It was amazing. Nathan's art was like looking a photograph. He could capture anything on paper, the way the light hit Arielle's cheek as she played hop-scotch, or the slight crookedness of an old woman's smile in the Wal-Mart line. He never showed me the broken glass thing though. . . I was left to my own speculations about what it could possibly be.

On the nights I slept at Nathan's house my father didn't even question me. He must have assumed I was out with Lily. To my father, my very existence had become one big assumption. I could feel myself separating even further from him. We had barely spoken or even seen each other since my mother's birthday. But I didn't care so much about all the problems at home anymore. I only cared about the next time I would see Nathan. He gave me a peace, a reassurance that was so sweet I had stopped caring that it was moving too fast or that it didn't make sense. Because somewhere, in the back of my head, it did make sense to me. To both of us.

One rainy morning in late July my phone began to ring next to my head. I jumped for it in my sleep, hoping that I would hear Nathan's voice on the other end. Instead all I heard was Lily's exasperated sigh as I hoarsely mumbled "hello?"

"Well so she is alive. I had my doubts. I guess I'll hang up now."

"Wait," I said, turning on my bedside lamp and squinting at the sudden flood of light, "I'm here. What do you want?"

"Are you kidding me? It's Lily. Your used-to-be-best-friend. Since when have I ever had a reason for calling you?"

"I didn't say it had to be good."

"Right," she sighed, "Raina, where have you been? Has he kidnapped you and dragged you to Mexico? You know a call would be nice every once in awhile. Not to sound like your grandma or something, but seriously."

"I'm fine. Better than ever."

"I haven't heard from you in a whole week. You been living in his house?"

"Practically," I said, curling down into my covers.

"Moved in yet?"

"Nope," I replied, "Not yet."

No matter how fast things were going or how deeply I was falling for him, I still had not made up my mind about moving in with Nathan. Something, almost like an invisible force, was holding me back. . . or else standing in front of me and blocking my way.

"Well in that case you still have time to hang out with me and Adam Finn. We have something planned. Tell Nathan he can come too."

"What is it?"

I heard Lily pause and hesitate on the other side of the phone. She was holding her breath.

"You're gonna laugh at me."

"Lily," I sighed, "Come on, tell me."

"Okay fine. I'm getting a tattoo."

"What?" I laughed, "Why on earth-"

"You told me you wouldn't laugh!"

"I'm not laughing because it's funny. I'm laughing because it's so random! What inspired you to decide this?"

"Adam Finn inspired me to do it. And. . . well. . . I know you're going to say no but-"

"I am not getting one with you."

"Raina, come on!"

"Think about when you're an old lady, Lily! It's fine for guys. Old men can have tattoos. Old ladies can't. It's like the law of nature or something. Can you imagine an old lady with a tattoo giving a grandkid a chocolate chip cookie? I can't!"

"Raina, that is such crap. This is a generation of chicks who will grow into pierced and tattooed old ladies. Don't believe me? Look around you! The only reason old ladies don't have them today is because they grew up in like the thirties."

I put my head back and laughed. "You have some twisted logic, Lily."

"Look, it'll be like a blood brothers thing or something lame like that. We never did that when we were kids."

"No. I couldn't. . . I mean. . . I don't know."

I unconsciously ran my hand over the smooth skin on my leg, imagining what it would be like to engrain something into it the way I had engrained my mother's death or Aaron's disappearance into my own mind. Nathan had etched the word "shame" onto his back. Maybe there was something to wearing your pain, something that lessened it a little.

"Do it," Lily pressed, "We're gonna want to go back to school looking awesome. This is our senior year. We can't just spend it doing homework and sitting around like we always do."

"Okay," I said, "But nothing big. Something that I'll be able to hide under my trouser socks and sweaters when I'm an old lady."

Lily chuckled. "I agree. I'll pick you up around two."

-

By the time we arrived at the tattoo parlor later that day, I was incredibly nervous and could not believe I had allowed Lily to talk me into doing this.

"Does it hurt really bad?" I asked Nathan for the third time.

I had already signed the necessary papers and was waiting to decide on what I wanted so that I could pay and get this over with. Lily had refused to do it without me so we were holding up the entire process, and the artist, a girl in her twenties named Casey, was getting annoyed.

"No. It's sort of like a hot stinging feeling. But it isn't really that bad. It's more annoying than anything else," he smiled, reassuringly squeezing my hand.

"Why am I doing this?" I sighed as I put my head back against the wall.

I stared at a poster opposite me of a tattoo with a bandage over it, detailing the proper care procedures. It said to treat it as a wound. I'd never thought that a tattoo parlor could feel so much like a doctor's office.

"There's lots of good reasons."

"Why'd you get yours?" I asked curiously.

Nathan shrugged. "The same reason most people get 'em. To remember something important that happened. To remind myself of something."

"What are you reminding yourself of?"

He didn't answer me, just kissed my cheek. At that moment Lily tossed me a notebook full of designs.

"Pick one, Raina. I'm running out of patience," she said, putting her hands on her hips.

We had already been waiting for an hour because I could not decide what I wanted. The books had been coming and coming, supplied by Casey, who said that she had done every single design in them. It had helped to ease my nerves a little since most of them were beautiful. I didn't think she could possibly screw mine up that bad.

Adam Finn sat down next to me so that he could look over my shoulder. "Get a pirate skull," he told me.

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah right."

"Get a smiley face," Nathan said.

"Will you two shut up?"

"Get a pirate skull with a smiley face!" Adam yelled, "Problem solved! Hey, Casey, we've decided!"

"Lily, tell him to shut up," I said.

Lily was studying tongue rings in a glass case and didn't bother turning around. "Shut up, Adam!" she called over her shoulder.

"Fine," he mumbled, slouching down in his seat.

I slowly leafed through the book, studying the glossy photos. Some people had gotten literal murals on their backs or chest, long drawn out stories like Biblical carvings on church walls. Then others had gotten something miniscule, a tiny symbol or a little word in a place that no one would ever see. There were baby names and names of lovers and promises and symbols and gods. Halfway through I saw a knot design on someone's toe.

"That's interesting," I said, looking at it sideways.

"Ouch," Nathan said, "Do not get one there."

"Have you?" I asked.

Adam Finn chuckled. "He doesn't need to. Everyone knows. . . tattooing your toe is up there on the masochist list."

Lily glanced back curiously, and we raised our eyebrows at each other. "The masochist list."

"Yeah," Nathan shrugged, "There are. . . um. . . certain parts of yourself that you just don't pierce or tattoo unless you're a masochist. Everyone knows it."

I laughed. "Oh really? Well what parts are you referring-"

"You don't wanna know," Adam Finn interrupted me, shuddering.

I shook my head and went back to studying the designs. This notebook, like the last two I had looked at, was turning out to be another disappointment. I was almost on the last page when I saw it.

"If you want, you guys can just think about this and come back tomorrow," Casey said from behind the counter, "I can keep your papers. It's just that I have an appointment today and-"

I held my hand up. It was a Monarch butterfly on the top of a woman's back, like the one Aaron and I had captured for our collection that day so many years ago. I felt my eyes blur. It was like something had smacked the back of my head. The creek swam in front of my vision, the water inching up from the banks. I felt exactly how I felt that day in early autumn when I was thirteen, holding that tiny shivering piece of life in my hand. And Aaron. . . the memory of him was so big I could not see anything else inside my head.

"This one," I said.

"Are you sure? A butterfly's kind of generic," Lily said, leaning over to see what I had chosen.

"I want this one," I replied flatly, "To remind me of something."

Nathan smiled. "I'm sure it'll look beautiful, Rainy."

Lily and I got our tattoos in the same place, small and on our ankles, where we told Nathan and Adam we could hide them when we were old ladies. She got a rose and I got a Monarch butterfly. Even though it was very simple, the skin there was red and swelling by the second, as if a real butterfly was fluttering and trapped on the inside of my leg. I had to limp when I walked.

Nathan told me it was beautiful and that it would be better in a few days. I didn't care. The pain reminded me of Aaron. I could look at it forever and remember what he had given me for that fraction of a second in the woods. . . and all that he had taken away.

-

When I got home at eight-thirty that night, my father was sitting up on the couch staring blankly at the tv. It was the first time I had seen him in days. Lately he had been up and out of the house before I even got out of bed.

"Hi, Raina," he said.

I stopped on the way to my bedroom. Usually my father wouldn't say anything to me. Was it possible he was actually sober for once? I unconsciously moved my leg into the shadows to hide my new tattoo.

"Hey. What's on?" I asked, feeling friendlier than usual.

My father was always watching the Discovery Channel. He had a thing for ancient artifacts theories about King Tut's death. I walked around to the tv and saw an Egyptian mummy inside a gold case.

"Egypt again?"

He nodded and pointed at the screen. "They sure had some ideas about death. They actually thought they could keep their loved ones with them by preserving their bodies. Weird huh?"

"Not that weird," I shrugged.

He didn't answer me, and the silence that had fallen was tense. No one else would have noticed it except for us, but even the thought of my father's own metaphorical mummy was too much.

I walked away into my bedroom when I was sure he wasn't going to say anything else to me. Our silence stretched out behind me like an evening shadow.

In the silence I flipped on the light switch and sunk down onto my bed, drawing my leg up with me onto the mattress. If I leaned the right way I could just peek under the bandage and see the small butterfly there, the red wings.

It took me a second to realize it, but when it came on me all at once it was one of the most powerful things I had ever felt. Looking at my tattoo, I saw myself clearly for the first time in my entire life. Past, present and future. And I knew that if I really wanted a change, it was now that I had to reach out and take it. Without knowing at first exactly what I was doing. . . I stood up, went to my closet, and I started to pack.

I threw all of my clothes into a suitcase, my shirts still attached to their hangers. Then I took everything off of the shelves and piled it in the center of my bedroom. Mountains of my things were everywhere, dust filling the room like there had just been an explosion. But I had to get out. I had to rip everything up and start again. The need of it was so big it was literally vibrating inside my chest.

I knew we kept some boxes in the garage from when we had moved in, and I walked past my father in the living room and picked out a few of the biggest ones.

"What are you doing?" he asked me when he saw me dragging them back towards my room.

I stopped, feeling my body outlined by the blue light of the tv. On the screen there was another mummy encased in gold, encased in someone's grief. I couldn't live like this anymore.

"Dad?"

"Hm?"

"I. . . I'm moving out," I said, "I think it's time."

My father stared at the tv, something flashing across his eyes. I expected him to yell at me. I expected him to stop me. I expected him to cry and beg me to stay. His silence was not only unexpected. . . it was horrifying.

All he said was, "I know it is."

The words knocked the breath out of me. "I'm sorry," I whispered.

"Don't be sorry. This was going to happen."

Instead of him, it was me who was feeling the tears come into my eyes. It was me who was letting them fall down my cheeks. It was me who was suddenly weak and shaking. All of this time I had been wanting to leave. . . but then I realized that what I had really wanted was for him to try and stop me from leaving.

"I wish Mom was around," I whispered.

"Raina, I love you," he said, "I'm letting you go because I know you have to figure things out for yourself. That's the way you've always been. You're like your mother that way."

"Then I'm sorry I couldn't have been different."

I started to walk away before he could see that I was crying. But then I heard him speak.

"Raina, where are you going?"

I turned around. It did not come as a surprise to me that I had not told my father about Nathan in all the weeks I had known him. In our house, keeping secrets was an art form.

"I'm gonna move in with my boyfriend Nathan. I. . . I think I'm in love with him."

"Does he love you too?"

"Yes," I whispered, and the second I said it I realized it was the truth. Nathan had never said the words to me, but when I thought about his face I could see them.

"Then I'd like to meet him."

"Someday," I said.

"Do you have enough money?"

"Yes. I've got my savings. Anymore questions?"

"Just one."

"What?" I asked curiously.

"Is this what you really want, Raina?"

I paused, my heart beating incredibly fast. This was the question I had not even asked myself yet. But then I thought of Nathan. . . Nathan. The answer was immediately clear to me, sitting as heavy as a stone in my chest.

"This is what I want," I said.

With that, I walked away into my bedroom and began to pack my things. When I was sure I was alone I let the tears spill over my eyes.

Chapter Seven

Sun, 22 Oct 2006 02:40:31 GMT

The next day we all helped Nathan move into his new apartment. By "we" I mean me and Lily, Adam Finn, and the drummer from the night before who I officially met when we arrived there at four in the afternoon. Lily had picked me up almost a half hour late, mumbling excuses about Adam Finn and staying up until two. I hadn't gotten much sleep either.

Nathan had already left for work by the time I woke up at Adam Finn's apartment in a painfully bright square of sunshine. The spot on the blanket where he had slept was empty, but there was a note taped to my arm, written in his sharp thin handwriting. Time to go whore myself for Citibank, it said, See you later, Beautiful. I had read it over several times, blushing, before I folded it up and put it inside my wallet where I kept all of my most important things: a picture of my mother, my social security card, and a poem we had read in sophomore English class that had haunted me ever since.

The sun hung low, murky as a mirror in the sky, and the day was already miserably hot. Nathan's new apartment complex was much smaller than Adam Finn's, right off of the six-lane interstate that I had only traveled on twice to visit my grandmother in West Virginia. The small cluster of gray buildings was called "Summer Pines", which Lily said sounded like the name of a mental institution or a nursing home. I couldn't help but agree. And as for the "pines". . . try as I might I could not see any green living thing at all except for a scattering of baby trees in the courtyard, propped up by chain link and metal poles. I had to admit that it was all rather depressing.

When we parked in one of the tiny spaces and got out of the car I could feel the heat of the asphalt reflecting on my bare legs. The first person I saw was a little red-headed girl skipping hop-scotch on the cracked sidewalk. Her curls shone like a halo in the sunshine. She waved to me and I waved back, even though I didn't know her. I had always been the sort of person who made stupid faces at babies in Wal-Mart, trying to make them laugh, wanting to see the innocence in their smiles. As we walked closer she skipped over to me, one foot, two feet, one foot, wobbling a little on the last one.

"You," she said, pointing one small finger at me.

"Me?" I smiled.

"Yep. You."

I glanced at Lily, who shrugged, then walked over to the little girl and leaned down to her height. Up close she radiated the childhood summer scent of grass and cherry Kool-Aid.

"What is it sweetie?"

"What's smarter than a talking parrot?" she asked, interrogation style, her small arms crossed over her chest.

"Hm. . ." I said, looking up at the cloudless sky.

"How about a spelling bee?" Nathan said from behind me, and from out of nowhere he crouched down and tickled her stomach, making her giggle and fall back against his arm.

I was so surprised I didn't know what to do. Who was this kid? Did Nathan have a secret daughter he had never told me about?

"You ruined it, meanie! Give me another one!" the little girl shrieked.

"Okay," Nathan said, "Come here, I'll whisper it so she won't hear. This one'll be a total surprise."

It was too adorable. I mouthed wordlessly at him, and he winked at me as he whispered into the little girl's ear. She clapped her hand over her mouth and giggled.

"Why was 6 afraid of 7?"

I rolled my eyes at Nathan. "I don't know."

"Because 7 8 9!" she yelled, laughing, "Get it? Seven ate nine!"

"That is so original, Nathan," I smirked.

"Hey, she thought it was funny."

"What's your name?" the little girl asked, tugging on my t-shirt.

"Raina. What's yours?"

"I'm Arielle. I'm five and almost a half. That's Nathan. He just moved here and he's got a guitar and he's gonna play Stairway In Heaven for me!"

Nathan leaned down and whispered into her ear again.

"Oh. Stairway To Heaven," she said.

I chuckled. "It's nice to meet you Nathan."

"The pleasure is all mine, Beautiful," he said, taking my hand and tugging me to him. His eyes were incredibly bright in the sunshine, white as the ocean.

"I got a pajama Barbie yesterday! Wanna see?" Arielle exclaimed, her curls bouncing.

"Oh maybe some other time. Is that okay?"

Arielle crossed her arms over her chest, clearly disappointed. "You wanna hop-scotch with me and Nathan then?"

I raised my eyebrows at Nathan. "You have been hop-scotching?"

"No. Okay maybe a little. Fine, I've been hop-scotching all afternoon!" he sighed, glancing playfully at Arielle and making her laugh. "I can't stop, it's like a drug!"

I rolled my eyes and took his hand in mine. I think that moment outside with Arielle was the first moment I realized I loved Nathan.

"Shouldn't you be moving in?" I asked.

"We already got everything up there this morning except for a few more boxes. And now I'm just taking some hop-scotch breaks with this cool chick I met down here. You should try it sometime."

"I'll pass," I grinned.

"Arielle, we're still on for that tournament later. Keep practicing," Nathan said, pointing sternly at her.

Arielle gave us the thumbs up sign and went back to hopping the squares, balancing on her dirty bare feet and humming. Nathan and I headed under the shade of a narrow walkway lined with doors.

"Who was that?" I asked curiously, when Arielle was out of ear-shot.

"Some neighbor's kid. I dunno."

The fact that Nathan could make friends with "some neighbor's kid" in a matter of hours was baffling to me. Everyone else I knew would have walked by Arielle like they had not seen her at all. But Nathan must have been drawn to her innocence the way I was drawn to the innocence of the babies in Wal-Mart, both of us aching for something that we had lost ourselves.

I noticed that Lily had already disappeared with Adam Finn by the time we walked up the flight of metal stairs. There were two doors opposite each other on the top level. I could hear voices and muffled music all around me. So much for any privacy. Nathan's door said 20l in rusty metal numbers.

"I have to warn you. Something fucked up the air conditioning and it's hotter than hell in here," he said.

The door swung open like a black mouth sucking us in. Inside it was tiny and hot, just like he'd told me. It was as sweltering as a green house. Nathan left the door open behind us. In front of me was a mountain of brown boxes, some of them halfway unpacked, shirts and shoes all over the floor.

"Wow," I said.

"Well it's a mess right now," Nathan replied, blushing.

"No. It's perfect, really it is. It'd be so great to have my own place I wouldn't care what it looked like."

Nathan smiled and put his fingers into my hair, turning and knotting them in the tangles like keys. I looked around. We were standing in the tiniest living room I had ever seen, about the size of a child's bedroom in a normal house. To my left I could see a pair of glass doors leading out onto what looked like a small balcony or ledge, and the interstate was moving beyond the trees. To my right was a kitchen, nothing in it, just white tile floors and a refrigerator, partly open as someone I couldn't see dug around for something. I was studying the tiles when the drummer we'd seen the night before at the club pulled his head out of the freezer. He was cute, but in that generic kind of way. The kind of guy Lily always went for. Brown hair, pretty smile, ripped jeans, cologne.

"Hey it's Raina, the girl I was rude to," he smiled, "But I'll be nice now because Nathan threatened my life."

I laughed, "Well I always appreciate a little honesty."

"Sorry about last night. I get worked up at shows."

"Don't worry about it."

He grinned and held out his hand. "Travis."

"Raina," I said, shaking it.

"Oh I know. He won't stop talking about you, really acting like a chick about it. You'd think he's never had a girlfriend before. Oh wait that's right, he hasn't. How much is he paying you anyway?"

I laughed and glanced back at Nathan, who rolled his eyes. I'd had no idea that I was his first girlfriend. I'd thought that a guy as beautiful as Nathan would have girls following him everywhere. . .

"Yeah fuck you. Go get some more of my boxes," Nathan smiled.

Travis brushed past us. I heard his feet thumping down the metal stairs.

"He's an idiot," Nathan shrugged.

We walked further into the apartment. The ceiling seemed to get lower and the air seemed to get hotter the closer we got to the hallway. Nathan wrapped his arms around me from behind, pulling me to him and kissing the back of my neck. He was warm and damp with sweat.

"You sure have a lot of stuff for a homeless person," I smiled.

"It was at my mom's."

"Why didn't you just wait to move out 'till you got your own place? I mean, why'd you go live with Adam Finn all summer? That was kind of pointless wasn't it?"

He just shrugged. "I guess I was tired of living at home. Wanna see my bedroom?"

"Sure."

-

Nathan's bedroom was even smaller than the living room. With the mountain of boxes around us it was hard to turn my body without knocking something over. I felt my foot trip over a shoebox and fell against his chest. He caught me in his arms like a beach ball.

"Woah, careful," he said.

I blushed and sat down on the bed, afraid to stand up again.

"You ever gonna unpack all this stuff?"

"Oh I dunno. I kind of like the mess. You know, stubbing my toe every time I take a step, not being able to find my underwear. It's like a new surprise everyday," Nathan smiled playfully.

"Shut up," I laughed, "You know what I mean."

"I'll unpack when I have the time, but I'm working so much now I doubt I will before school starts."

Nathan sat down next to me. The late afternoon sunshine swept through the window, bright and hot on our faces. As far as I could tell we were the only ones in the apartment. My shirt was sticking to my back and my ears were buzzing from the closeness in the room. But it only made me want him more.

Nathan gently touched his lips to mine, so softly it took me a moment to register the feeling. I kissed him back through the heat, and we slowly lowered ourselves onto the bed, making the mattress creak. Outside I could hear the hot summer wind whistling around the courtyard. His body was warm and heavy on top of mine and his skin smelled like summer sweat. I gently rested my fingertips against his spine, running them up and down, up and down, the way he changed the chords on his guitar during a song. When he started kissing my neck I felt my breath catch in my throat. Overnight Nathan had opened a door to a whole new world of feeling for me. For the first time I felt the desire to make love to him, and I shifted my body so that he could rest between my legs. This soft ache between my thighs was something I had never understood before.

"I can't possibly be your first girlfriend," I smiled lazily, and he chuckled.

"Rainy, what can I say? You inspire me."

I put my head back and laughed at his choice of words, kicking off one of my flip-flops as he kissed my mouth. In the lazy summer heat it all felt so good. I wanted this to last forever, but when I felt his hand moving underneath my shirt I froze.

"Wait," I whispered.

Nathan stopped immediately and looked straight into my eyes. "What is it?"

"I can't do that yet."

"Oh. . . I'm sorry. I didn't mean-"

"It's just that I never have," I said quickly.

Nathan nodded. "That's okay. Listen, let's just lie here."

I was so relieved I didn't know what to do. It was only then that I realized how afraid I had been of admitting my inexperience. I smiled and snuggled into his arms, resting my head against his chest. His heart was beating fast again as he ran his fingers through my hair and kissed my forehead. This was my dream; he was my dream.

"Raina?" he asked.

"Hm?" I whispered, closing my eyes.

"I want you to live here with me."

I glanced up at him. He wasn't looking at me anymore and was watching the white sky through the window above our heads, his eyes as far away as birds.

"You know I can't."

"I thought you might say that," he sighed.

When I could see his disappointment I started to say I was sorry, but then he stopped me. Nathan touched my lips and said something I would never forget.

"Rainy, when I'm with you. . . I'm happy."

"When I'm with you I'm happy too."

"Then be with me. Really be with me," he said.

I rolled over onto my back and listened to the faint sounds of the cars on the freeway, the laughter of the children playing on the sidewalk. At that moment all I wanted was to be with Nathan in the tiny apartment. All I wanted was this, forever, to lie in my dream with him in the thick of the summer heat. But I had a feeling that if I gave this up, if I agreed to this. . . there would be no going back. With Nathan it was all or nothing.

"I'll think about it," I said.

Nathan grinned and pulled me closer to him. I felt him kiss the top of my head.

"You'll think about it huh?" he said, playfully tickling my stomach and making me giggle.

"Raina!" I heard Lily call out.

Nathan and I sat up just as Lily swung open the door. She covered her eyes with her hand. "Whoops. Sorry. I'm interrupting."

I laughed, straightening my clothing, my lips still red from kissing. "No it's okay. What's up?"

"We have to go. My mom called."

I looked at Nathan and shrugged. "Sorry we couldn't help much with the move. I'll call you okay?"

"Stay with me," he said, gently taking my wrist, "I'll drive you home."

"Raina, I thought we were going shopping tonight," Lily said.

"We are," I replied, then I turned to Nathan. "I'm sorry. . . I can't, Nathan."

"Why the hell not?" he asked.

Lily raised her eyebrows. "I'll be in the car, Raina."

After she left there was a dangerous silence that neither of us wanted to break. I looked at Nathan, raising my eyebrows. Was he really mad or was this some kind of joke? I was waiting for an explanation even though I didn't really expect one. I had stopped trying to expect things about Nathan. He was too good at surprising me.

"You let her boss you around like that," he said softly.

"No," I shrugged, "We already had plans. I can't just drop her for no reason. That's not fair."

"Raina, I really don't think she's the best person to hang around with."

I couldn't help but laugh. The idea of someone telling me that Lily, who I had known forever, was not the best person to hang around with was ridiculous. That was like telling me that my sister wasn't really my sister.

"What on earth are you talking about? She's my best friend."

"Yeah. . . um. . . a best friend who bosses you around and you just let her. Also, she dresses like a total slut. Guys will get the wrong idea when they see you with her."

"I can't believe this! Adam Finn is dating her!" I shot, suddenly angry.

"Yeah well Finn's been with some pretty nasty girls. I'm just trying to look out for you. I didn't mean for you to get all upset about it."

I sighed deeply and lowered my eyes, feeling sorry. He was telling me that I had over-reacted, and I felt his words; I felt like a stupid teenage girl who had completely blown this out of proportion.

"Well. . . I know you are but me and Lily have been through a lot okay? It's not really your place to tell me-"

Nathan gently touched my face, silencing me. "Rainy, you mean more to me than anybody I've ever known."

I blinked as the heaviness of the words covered me, like being buried in the sand. I didn't have time to say anything in reply to them. He pressed his lips against mine. For a moment I was still too in shock to kiss him back. But then I gently put my arms around him and pulled him close. I loved the way he smelled, the way he felt. I loved everything about him, even the fact that he wanted me all to himself, that when he was with me he was happy.

"I know it's early to say this stuff to you," he whispered against my shoulder, "But. . . I've never felt this way about anyone. I want the best for you."

I smiled. "Me too."

"That's why I'm trying to look out for you. Just think about what I said, about moving in with me. I'll see you soon okay?"

"Bye," I whispered, pressing my lips against his mouth once more.

I breezed down the metal stairs to Lily's car. She had pulled up to the front of the apartment complex and was waiting for me.

"Bye, Arielle!" I called.

Arielle, who was still skipping hop-scotch, turned and waved to me. Lily was absently listening to a song on the radio that she hated and wouldn't look at me when I opened up the passenger's side door. I could tell that she was thinking hard.

"That was a little annoying," she shrugged.

"Look, he just likes being with me."

"Don't you think he's being a little obsessive? I mean, calling you his girlfriend like that last night. . . It was sort of weird. Maybe I'm just used to guys who are terrified of commitment but he's acting sort of-"

"You don't know anything about him," I said softly.

Lily chuckled and changed the radio station. "Well I got news, Raina, neither do you."

I scoffed, but I knew I couldn't say anything in my defense. What did I know about Nathan? I knew that Nathan was a guy who had played hop-scotch with a five year old. I knew that Nathan was a guy who would do practically anything for me. I knew that Nathan was a guy who would pay me back for every single year I had lost being alone. But I couldn't expect Lily to understand that.

"I think I'm gonna move in with him," I said without thinking.

"What?" Lily exclaimed, slamming the brakes on and making my seatbelt lock around my neck.

I groaned and rubbed my sore throat. "Jeez. . . I said I'm thinking about it."

"And tomorrow you'll be doing it," she sighed angrily, backing out of the parking space. "You used to think about stuff before you did it. You used to be careful. Now all you think about is him. Seriously, Raina, you've known him for one month! Slow down!"

As we drove away from the apartment complex I glanced back. Maybe Lily was right, but I didn't care. Nathan wanted to have all of me and that's what I wanted to give him. After all, that's what love was about right?

Chapter Six

Mon, 16 Oct 2006 02:47:42 GMT

I leaned into the softness of Nathan's body and noticed instantly that when I pressed my fingers against his spine he shivered. We were looking at each other knowing that this was the first time either of us had really seen anything. He was seeing my loneliness and my fear and my weakness. I was seeing his facade, the camouflage pattern he used to hide his pain. But then that shadow was gone instantly like a candle flame blowing out. He wouldn't let me see anything beyond it. Nathan smiled and touched one of my tears like it was a place he was pointing out on a map. That's when I knew the moment was broken.

"You get the couch," he said.

"Yeah right," I laughed, rubbing my eyes, "I'd feel terrible about it all night."

"Well then," Nathan said as he glanced around the living room, "If we'd both feel guilty about taking the couch. . . then I guess this means we'll both be sleeping on the floor."

"Works for me," I said.

Nathan brushed past me. I watched him pull some blankets out of a closet in the short hallway. He tossed one of them to me. It smelled like Adam Finn, like our summer in the pool and the movie theater.

"We could climb into bed with Finn, but I don't think it would go over well."

"Something tells me you're right," I grinned.

I opened the blanket and shook it free of its folds, making a ripple of cloth that floated down onto the floor as softly as a parachute. It was big enough for both of us. The idea of lying so close to Nathan in the darkness was almost more than I could bear.

"I guess asking for pillows would be asking for too much?" I said.

"Yes. Get your ungrateful ass off that floor and sleep outside," Nathan smiled, and he tossed me a cushion. "Just kidding. We'll mangle the couch."

I sat down on the blanket and waited for sleepiness to come. The cushion felt scratchy and hot underneath my head when I rested my neck against it. I had a feeling I would never get close to being tired. For one thing I was with Nathan, who seemed to radiate this flashing childhood energy everywhere he went, this inability he had to sit still that I had been noticing more and more lately. In fact. . . I had never seen him fall asleep even once.

Nathan sat down on the couch above me and playfully nudged my knee with his foot. We were quiet, looking at each other again in that deep way. His eyes were as clear as very still water. I tried again to look past them, to see the oceans he was hiding. But I kept getting stuck in the same place. . .

Suddenly aware of how much he could see, I looked away and took a comb out of my purse and began to brush through my tangled hair.

"I'm really tired," I said, hoping he would stop looking at me.

Nathan nodded and mercifully turned his eyes to the dark window above my head. "Me too. I'd better get to sleep soon. I have to work tomorrow."

"Where do you work?"

He smiled slowly as I tied my hair back into a ponytail. "I can't tell you that."

"Why not?"

"Because everything I've worked so hard to build up with you would be gone in a second. That's why."

"Oh please. What are you? A drug dealer or something?"

"Worse."

I laughed and flopped back down on the blanket. "You're a stripper aren't you?"

Nathan grinned. "Yep. You guessed it. All the ladies dig scrawny guys."

"Come on. Tell me."

"Tell me why you came over here at two in the morning," he said, "And then maybe I'll consider it."

I sighed and stared up at Adam Finn's low ceiling. I had known this was coming eventually, but all of the sudden I didn't know how to explain about my mother's birthday. I didn't know how to explain how it felt to live in her shadow, to wish that my life had not caused so much death. There was no way he could have understood what it was like to be me.

"I had a fight with my dad."

"Where's your mom?"

"She died when I was born," I explained.

"Oh," he said softly, "That sucks. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. It's worse for my dad. He actually remembers her and stuff."

"Must be lonely over there with him huh?"

I nodded and picked at a piece of loose fringe on the blanket until I tore it off. "Yeah. . . lonely. Depressing. I think sometimes he wishes that she was there instead of me."

I closed my mouth, certain I had said too much already. But Nathan just looked at me, waiting for me to confess even more. If I had gone this far maybe I could go a few more yards. I considered telling him about Aaron, about the one person who I had counted on to save my life. . . how he had disappeared, how I doubted everyone else because of him. But then. . .

"It's not something I want to get into," I said.

Nathan nodded, and the ease at which he let the subject drop was shocking to me. "Okay," he said.

"So what about your parents?" I asked.

"What about them?"

"Where are they?"

We never discussed Nathan's past. It was the one door he would not allow me to open or even get close enough to to hear what was going on behind it. The way he looked when I mentioned it made me think instantly of Aaron whenever he was putting together a very complicated algebraic equation, taking it in steps.

"My mom's here in Ashton. I just moved out a couple months ago."

"And what about your dad?"

"He lives in another city," he said.

"Do you see him a lot?"

"I haven't seen him in a long time," Nathan shrugged, his eyes far away, "But I talk to him. He calls me all the time."

Suddenly there was a loud clap of thunder that made the windowpanes rattle above my head. I jumped and turned to look out, but I couldn't see anything except the low purple sky.

"It's raining, Rainy," Nathan smiled, "What do you think about that?"

I rolled my eyes. "I think that you've cursed me with that nickname."

As I said this it began to sprinkle, the sound gentle and quiet like a cat scratching at a front door. Nathan was staring at the carpet, not really seeing it. The look in his eyes was so far away he reminded me of a person in a coma. Lightening flashed a purple glow across the walls, making our shadows come alive.

"I've got an idea," he said suddenly.

"What?" I asked, propping myself up on my elbow and smiling at the way his eyes were shining.

"If you don't like living at your house, you could come live with me when I get outta here. The apartment's tiny but I'm sure-"

I laughed out loud over the sound of the thunder. "I barely know you! You can't be serious."

"You're my girlfriend. Doesn't that count for something?"

I raised my eyebrows. "About that. . . um. . . when did I become your girlfriend?"

"I thought you felt the same way I did," Nathan replied, and I felt a pricking pain in my heart when I saw that I had hurt his feelings.

"I did. I mean, I do. . . nevermind," I said quickly, "It's just that I feel like I don't know much about you."

"What do you want to know? I'll tell you just about anything."

What did I want to know? Whenever I had a chance to ask Nathan questions, my throat clenched up and all I wanted to do was focus on his eyes. All I wanted to feel was the completeness he radiated to me, the sense that everything would be all right as long as I trusted him, the hope that he could take me away from the life I was ruining. Did anything else really matter?

"What's the thing you hate most in the world?" I asked without really thinking about it, "Your biggest pet peeve?"

Nathan chuckled. "Wow. Um. . . I gotta think for a second."

Nathan rested his chin on his fist like the statue of the Thinker. I listened to the rain outside, coming down harder than before. Through the window above my head I could see the treetops being tossed to and fro like t-shirts in a dryer.

"Okay I've got one," Nathan said.

He cleared his throat and began to explain it with his hands.

"I hate it when there's two doors in a place," he said, holding up two fingers, "But everyone pushes and shoves trying to get out one of them 'cause they're too lazy to open up the other one."

"I hate that too!" I laughed.

"Is that your biggest pet peeve?"

I grinned. "No, no. Mine is even weirder. I hate it when it stops raining and people forget to turn off their windshield wipers. It just makes that really awful scraping sound and it bugs me! Only you don't want to tell them because they'll think you're weird. Oh and I also hate it when people cough while I'm taking a test."

Nathan laughed. "Now I know how to piss you off. You just gave me ammunition."

"So did you. I think I'll be going through a lot of single doors in the near future. Maybe I'll even shove you out of the way to do it."

"You better not," he teased.

We grinned at each other. I felt the warmth creeping up into my cheeks. For a moment I was sure he was going to lean down and kiss me, and a buzzing sensation filled my whole stomach.

"I'm sorry," I said quickly, "I'm talking too much. You said you were tired."

"If I wanted to go to sleep I would be asleep. I want to talk to you," Nathan said softly.

I blushed even deeper, feeling the hot color crawl down my neck. "Oh."

"You're still in high school right?" he asked.

I nodded. "Yep. One more year. Are you going to school in the fall?"

Nathan pulled a cigarette from out of his back pocket and clicked his lighter open, the hiss of the bright flame as soft as a breath. I could feel the yellow heat of it on my face.

"Mm hm," he said, exhaling the smoke, "I'm just taking basics. I don't know what I wanna do."

"Invent a better system for the double door?"

"Yes! That's genius," he smiled, "That's why I need you around, Rainy. You give me good ideas."

"So what do you do for fun besides playing guitar?"

"I collect glass."

I tried to figure out if this was some kind of old saying or metaphor I should have understood. But he didn't seem surprised that I didn't know what it meant.

"It's something I'm working on. It's about you," he said.

Now I was intrigued. The fact that Nathan had thought about me even for a fraction of a second while we were apart was enough to make my entire body blush.

"What is it?" I asked.

"Something that I hope you'll like. It's sort of a painting."

Even though I had no idea why, the first thing that came into my head was Botticelli's "Birth of Venus", a lonely naked girl standing in a seashell with a longing look in her eyes. I didn't know what to say.

"Why did you choose me?"

"Because you're the perfect subject."

I thought about him studying me when I wasn't looking: at the pool, in the front seat of Adam Finn's car, walking with him on empty Main Street and memorizing the line of my neck as I studied the constellations. I thought about him picking out the perfect peach shade for my skin, the places on my face he would darken, the lines he would curve to fit my body. My heart began to beat fast when I thought about all the imperfections he had been studying in detail for weeks without my knowing. . .

"That's something you do then? Art?"

"Only since you came around. Before that I didn't want to do anything."

"You barely know me though."

"I know you enough to know I like you, Rainy. I like you a lot. You aren't like everybody else."

The moment he said this, my doubts about whether I could fall for him or not were laid to rest. There was not a part of my body or a piece of my mind that did not want him. I barely remembered Aaron's name. Whoever Nathan was, he was who I had been waiting on for five years.

"So. . . where do you work?" I asked, needing to change the subject.

Nathan laughed. "Clever, Rainy. But I'm not gonna tell you."

"Come on! I work in a freaking grocery store! There's nothing worse than that!"

"If that's the worst thing you can think of then you don't know much about the world," he smiled.

"So what are you? A serial killer? A prostitute? A ballerina? Whatever it is I can handle it."

"Well in a way I guess I am sort of a prostitute for a credit card company. I'm a telemarketer."

"No way!" I laughed, sitting up on my knees, "Oh that's even better than you being a stripper!"

"Watch it. I have the ability to put you on my call list."

Nathan flicked the ash of the cigarette into the ashtray. I couldn't stop giggling. "You can't really be a telemarketer."

"I am," he sighed, "Just go ahead and kill me now."

"You mean you're one of those people. . . who call at eight a.m. on Saturday. . . who piss everybody off?"

"Yes. It's all true. If I ever called you I'm sorry. Except we mostly call out of state people for our own protection. You get the occasional threat on your life, the occasional dead person, the occasional crazy old lady who buys from you when she's drunk. It's very entertaining to say the least. Once I called these people who were right in the middle of. . . well, you know," he grinned.

I put my head in my hands. "No! Why the hell would you answer the phone if you're. . . in the middle of that?"

Nathan shook his head. "And that's happened more than once too. When you have my job you really get to see the other side of humanity. It ain't pretty. All this shit about being respectful goes right out the window. You know that saying that says 'if you want to know what a man's like then watch how he treats his inferiors and not his equals'? It should be changed to 'watch how he treats his telemarketers'."

"Then why are you a telemarketer?" I laughed.

"Why? Because it pays really good. And they hire anybody. . . and it's easy. . ."

"I bet you could get a job someplace else though."

"Well when I started working there I was seventeen. I knew they'd hire me no matter what. They don't look at your records and stuff."

"What do you mean?"

"Just some stuff that happened when I was sixteen. I got in a little trouble. Nothing big. But that stuff stays on your record 'till your eighteen. So I just got a job there. . . and never got around to quitting because it pays so good."

"What did you do?"

"To get hired? Well I went there and-"

"How did you get in trouble I mean," I chuckled.

Nathan shook his head, and I had the sudden feeling that he didn't really want to tell me. He had the same look that he'd had before. . . like he was working out a difficult algebra problem, at every step a new threat of a mistake that would destroy the entire solution.

"Long story. I had just got my license. I was a little drunk and got a DUI."

"My dad's gotten one. That's not a big deal."

"This one was," he sighed, "The dumbass cop wanted to search the car. He found a gun in the glove box."

"What? Why?" I asked, suddenly curious.

"For my out of control roadrage. To blow people's heads off," Nathan replied, grinning.

I stared at him, furling my eyebrows in question until he laughed at me. I could never tell when Nathan was joking or not.

"It's so fun to mess with you, Rainy. You believe anything I say don't you? I just keep it in there for protection. It's not loaded. . . but it was a pretty big deal to the judge."

I shook my head and sighed. "So you're a telemarketing psycho with a record who keeps a gun in the glove compartment? Gee, I really know how to pick 'em. . ."

"It wasn't loaded!" he laughed, "Besides, you probably do some crazy shit too. Like making out with a telemarketing psycho in a pool. . ."

"That was a one time thing," I said, pointing my finger in his face, "Besides. . . you kissed me first. I didn't have much choice in the matter. You telemarketers can be very pushy when you want something."

"True," he shrugged, taking another drag of the cigarette and exhaling it slowly, like soft music. "So how much do they pay you at your grocery store?"

"Just minimum."

"You should come work with me. You lose your dignity but you make money. Things eventually even out."

"Oh I'm sure they do," I said, rolling my eyes.

Nathan leaned forward, raising his hand to my face. Instantly I leaned back and stiffened as I felt him brush his thumb underneath my eye. Goosebumps crept down my arms.

"Eyelash," he said softly, "That's another thing that bugs me."

Nathan held out his thumb, and I picked off the tiny hair and blew it away. I felt that familiar stirring in my stomach that told me we'd taken a step in some other direction. We had moved forward somehow, the progress so slow it was easy to overlook but too obvious to be ignored.

"It's been a rough night," I said finally, "I'd better get some sleep."

"Me too," Nathan replied, and I heard his body shift along the couch as he reached over to turn off the light.

I settled my head down on the scratchy cushion and tried to close my eyes, but all I could think about was that he was a foot away from me. . . in the dark. . . breathing so close it sounded like he was inside of me.

I knew he was awake for a long time because I listened to his breathing. It was the only thing I could hear. He smoked another cigarette, hummed a song just quiet enough for me to make it out. I drifted off to the sound of his body shifting onto the blanket beside mine, and the warmth I felt from his skin as he draped his arm over my stomach. My back fit against his chest like a puzzle piece.

It must have been at least three a.m. when I woke up. I had slept fitfully and was wide awake in the tangle of sweaty blankets. I could feel Nathan's warmth next to me, but it was too hot and humid in Adam Finn's apartment to be close to him. I rolled away and stared at the blue ceiling, which was shadowy from the trees outside. It was then that I noticed the rain had stopped, and I could smell the damp earth through the walls of the apartment, the crunch of the crickets loud and pulsing in my ears. Summer storms in Georgia were always violent but short-lived, leaving behind a scattering of leaves and muddy lakes. I curled deeper into the warmth I had created, knowing with the security of a child that Nathan was close by.

For some reason I rolled over to see him, and he was looking at me. . . right through me with these blue electric eyes that glowed in the dark. I just blinked, shocked and breathless, my heart skipping a beat.

"What are you doing? Can't you sleep?" I hissed, and for some reason I found myself becoming incredibly afraid.

"I'm thinking," he replied.

"About what?"

"You," he said.

Chapter Five

Mon, 16 Oct 2006 02:35:14 GMT

The second Nathan dropped me off at my house at one in the morning, I was struck with the sudden horrible realization that today, technically yesterday, had been my mother's forty-ninth birthday.

Over the years my father and I had celebrated this day as if my mother was still around. We would buy a cake with the number of candles corresponding to how old she would have been. We would bring out party hats and simple presents. We would put on her favorite music: Simon and Garfunkel, Joan Baez, The Byrds. I always made her a card in art class, trying to hide the glitter and markers under my desk to avoid the awkward questions.

I felt like each faux-birthday that passed was somehow bringing me a little closer to my mother, every year finding out another fact about her that I hadn't known before. Like how she spoke fluent French, how she had once given forty-five dollars to a bum on the street just because he said he had a daughter who looked like her, the way she celebrated Christmas during the summer when she was bored and how she had planted a rose garden for me the second she found out she was pregnant. I collected these facts. They were tiny bread crumbs, little clues that would somehow lead me back to her.

For my father I knew it was different. He looked at the memories like a fading photograph, trying to conjure her face with a desperation I could not comprehend, and it wasn't until many years later that I realized just how terrifying the thought of losing another person really is. It's one thing for someone to die, but it's a whole other thing for that person to be forgotten, for their face to slowly slip out of your memory.

This was the reason he still talked to her. Every year he would use the same flower printed birthday card and write a new message inside that he would not allow me to read, usually after I went to bed, after all the candles had been blown out and we had already sang Happy Birthday in French. Bon anniversaire à toi.

My stomach plunged down to the floor. How on earth could I have forgotten this? And where was my father?

I put my house key onto the table and walked into the dark kitchen, which I had allowed to be trashed over the last few days. I hadn't been keeping up with anything but my appearance since Nathan came into my life. In the darkness I could make out a pile of laundry, a scattering of spilled cereal, and the dishes that looked like toy blocks stacked up in the sink. There was a bad smell in the air that I couldn't find the source of. Not knowing what else to do, I started to clean with a restlessness born from years of worry.

I tried to remember. . . had my father said anything to me? Fuzzy pieces of dialogue started to snake their way across my brain. Before I left for work, still groggy in bed he had told me to bring home a cake from the grocery store using my employee discount. I had said I would and then fallen back to sleep, forgetting the entire conversation. I had not even been home since then. Lily had picked me up at the curb, and we'd gone straight to Nathan's show.

I turned on the water in the sink and waited for it to warm up, letting it wash off what was left of the "underage" stamp. I didn't know exactly who to apologize to so I just said the words in a prayer, hoping my mother would understand or at the very least, hear me.

"I was worried," my father said from behind me.

I whirled around, startled. It was strange how many times I looked at my father and thought I was seeing a complete stranger. We hardly ever saw each other in the house anymore. He was gone and at work by the time I woke up. On the weekends, I was at the store or out with Lily and avoiding this side of my life like the plague. We were a revolving door. He would go through and I would come out. Whether we did this on purpose or not, I didn't know.

"I'm sorry. . ." I whispered, and the words flashed through my mind before I said them, stinging me with their simple truth. "I. . . I just forgot."

He didn't say anything in reply. He was obviously drunk, his eyes tinged the pale pink color of raw meat. I let my gaze fall to the floor because I couldn't stand the way he looked at me, like he was trying to figure out if he really knew anything about me.

"Have you seen the. . . uh. . . the keys?" he slurred.

Instinctively, I shifted my hand over the keys on the bar next to me, feeling the cold metal jab into my palm.

"No."

"I need to go up to the store. . . because we're out of milk."

"I can go tomorrow," I said, knowing perfectly well that this would not work. I knew that he was going to the liquor store.

"Raina," he said, "I just need the keys."

At this point, I knew that he knew that I had them. He knew that I would have to give them up. This was the sort of predicament I often found myself in: let my father risk his life driving or give into my own exhaustion.

"Don't go tonight," I said, "It's not a good idea."

"Raina, how can you do this to me?" he asked.

And instead of angry, he sounded sad. . . sad that I was here instead of her. My heart was beating fast as I tried to make a plan.

"Dad, just go to sleep. It's one in the morning."

"I am your father. You do not make decisions in this house. You listen to what I say. Give me those goddamn keys!"

His last sentence rattled the cabinets. I shook my head, tightening my fist around the keys. The harder he fought me, the harder I would hold on.

My father took my arm and twisted it palm up. I held onto those keys like they were the rope keeping me from plunging to my death. I held onto those keys like they were the hope that would save my father's life. My fingernails were digging into my palm.

"You're so selfish, Raina," he hissed.

Tears stung my eyes. I knew that I didn't have the strength to do this for the rest of the night. He pried my fingers open and the keys slipped out of my hand, clattering on the tile floor like a chain. I tried to grab them back but I couldn't reach them in time.

"Don't," I said, my voice cracking on tears as I tried to tear them out of his hand, "Please."

"I'll be back in an hour. What is your problem? What's gotten into you?"

Tears slipped down my cheeks. The loneliest thought in my head was that he would not remember this tomorrow, and I still would.

"Just take your cellphone with you okay? Please."

My father didn't seem to have heard me. He stumbled away from me out the open door, wobbling like a toy top as it slows down. Every time he left the house I was sure it would be the last time I would ever see him. I tried to store the picture of him in my head, but I could never do it. I didn't know his face well enough to remember it.

-

After my father disappeared I tried to do the dishes, but my stomach felt sick. That dreaded thought came into my head the way it always did after a night like this: I wondered what kind of a person I had to be to let this happen. I was letting my own father drive drunk. What kind of a person did that? There was no excuse, there was no justification. It came down to the cold hard black and white of who I really was. This was why I could not, under any circumstances, show people my true self. Aaron had been the only one who had seen the other side of me, and he had disappeared.

I rubbed the dishes until they squeaked. Then I swept the floor and put away the carton of orange juice that had been left out on the counter. I tossed the cereal into the trash. I turned on the tv and watched paid programming, infomercials about weight loss and kitchen utensils no one really needs.

I didn't stay in one place for longer than ten seconds. Worries were spiraling and sprouting like thorns inside my head. I paced our living room, waiting for the police to call me, praying I'd hear the soft whoosh of headlights gliding up the driveway. It was two in the morning now.

When I couldn't take anymore, I picked up the phone and called Lily because she was the only one who understood. It rang five times before her answering machine clicked on, one of the most annoying messages I had ever heard. I kept telling her to delete it, but she thought it was hilarious.

"Hello?" she was screaming.

"What?! I can't hear you! HELLO?! Speak up!"

Then she was laughing and saying in her sing-song voice, "Gotcha. Leave a message at the beep."

I hung up. Of course, she was probably still with Adam Finn. But I needed to talk to someone. I needed to get out of here before the worry ate me alive.

My feet were leading me out the open front door. I didn't know where I was going and I didn't know when I would be back, but I didn't care.

On nights like this I used to go over to Aaron's house before he moved. In his usual style, he never asked me why I was there and would somehow make me feel like my 3 a.m. presence was nothing was out of the ordinary. We would watch the night sky from his bedroom window, sleepy and blinking in our socks. On clear autumn nights I imagined we could see the ragged hem of Heaven through the telescope. He would point out the constellations and tell me about stars, the ancient and dying Red Giants and the newborn White Dwarfs, distances bigger than I could even imagine, distances that could take me away, distances that made me realize there was something bigger than my world, bigger than the shattering of my life.

Maybe it was the soft fog in the air or the smell of rain. . . but as I walked I began to remember a specific night with him. I remembered sneaking out of my house at two in the morning and heading over to his, meeting him on his front porch. I remembered that it had been this day, that it had been my mother's birthday.

I felt the ground shake as he hopped the few steps down to mine. It was so quiet on our street I could barely hear the crickets. The air had the quiet, full feeling of a rain that had just passed. Aaron looked sleepy and I could tell that he had gotten out of bed only a few minutes before I arrived.

"I thought we made a pact to stay up all night," I whispered. We were always making that pact.

He shrugged, "I did."

"Liar."

Aaron flashed me a smile, his teeth blue white in the dark. "You don't know."

"Loser."

"Simpleton."

I had know idea what this word meant, but I had a feeling that admitting it would prove his point, so I kept quiet. I carried a worn blanket in my hands and he carried two plastic flashlights, one of which he handed to me.

"Let's go," he whispered.

We were flying over the sidewalk with our shoes off to mask the noise, deliciously breaking every rule we had ever been taught. Everyone was asleep in the whole world but us. My lungs were burning with the run, but Aaron was far ahead of me, hardly tired.

We bolted past the pharmacy on the corner of Wilson Lane, the car garage where my father worked, the toy store where I had gotten my first pink bike with streamers on the handle bars. Towards the edge of the street the town began to change. Houses were smaller and darker, dogs barked and rap music thumped like a bat's wings out of cars we couldn't see. There was a police siren wailing in the air. I was afraid. Aaron reached back and took my hand, his palm slippery warm in mine, and I closed my eyes and blazed through the bad part of town like it was a tangle of thorns.

Thomas Bridge hung over a creek that was always moving. It was old, decrepit, and had been closed off for as long as anyone could remember. We had heard it was haunted by the ghost of a young girl who had jumped to her death, and if you went at the right time on the right night you would see her.

Aaron was a skeptic about things like ghosts, and since I hadn't wanted to look stupid in front of my classmates I'd pretended that I was too. But neither of us could resist our curiosity after Michael Simmons in the class below us had spent a week in the hospital traumatized, not talking and not eating after supposedly seeing something up at Thomas Bridge. None of our parents would tell us what had really happened to Michael, so we all just assumed he had seen the ghost. Back then we knew so little about the world that we just didn't think there was anything scarier than that for us to be afraid of.

I could already hear the creek bubbling up into my ears. The woods smelled dank and wet from the summer rains, and everything was a soaked color of green so dark it looked black. By the time we reached the bridge it was too loud to hear anything else but the roar of the water. I put my hands on my knees, bending over in the leaves to catch my breath. Aaron turned back when he didn't hear me following him, his face flushed pink. No matter how far he ran or how much he studied or how late he stayed up, Aaron never seemed to get tired.

"Come on, we're almost there!" he said, having to scream the words so I would hear them.

"Heart. Attack," I choked, "One. Second."

But he didn't listen. He took my sweaty hand and we climbed over the no-trespassing sign and let ourselves land on the rickety wood. The entire bridge shook with our weight. There was a hole like a footprint in the center, and I could see the silver blur of the water below, so swollen from the rainy summer that it seemed alive.

The two of us settled down on the blanket and waited. I had not agreed to do this with him for a cheap thrill, a low-budget horror movie scream-fest like the other kids in my class. That's not what this meant to me.

If there were really things like ghosts, if the dead could walk with us even as only fragments of themselves, I might someday see my mother as she had been when my father knew her. I might someday be able to reach out and feel the warmth of her hand and smell her scent, because I'd heard that when you go to Heaven you don't look like yourself anymore, and I was scared of not being able to recognize her there. I imagined a big crowd of souls, embracing and crying, then me. . . alone and searching the faces for anyone I recognized.

"Do you believe you go to Heaven when you die?" I asked Aaron.

He shrugged, letting his feet hang over the side of the bridge. He shined his flashlight down into the water, and we saw the beam skate on the foamy surface.

"I don't know. What bothers me is. . . before you were born, you were dead right? So if you were in Heaven before you were born, how come you can't remember anything about it?"

I had never thought of this. "I don't know. Maybe because Heaven's like another world, and you can't carry memories of other worlds into new ones."

Aaron was staring into the river, thinking hard. I didn't know why he had wanted to do this so badly tonight. Sure we were curious, but the truth was that it was all he had been talking about for a week. I had my mother. . . but what had driven him? It dawned on me a few years later that it was probably because the idea of a ghost would prove him wrong, would prove wrong everything he thought he knew about life and logic. Aaron was scared of being wrong, and if I had known as much as he did at thirteen I probably would have been afraid of losing it too.

It was early and cold by the water. I noticed he was shivering in his sweatshirt. The spray of the creek lifted up into our faces like a symphony. I thought about how it might feel to stand up and let myself fall into the river; I wondered if the girl who had done it had been afraid.

When I was twelve I had read in the paper about a guy who jumped off a bridge and regretted it the second his feet left the edge. He had survived by forcing his body to land on the water at the right angle. It's amazing the things you can do when you have the will.

"Do you think we'll see the ghost?" I asked.

"Who cares," Aaron shrugged, "That's not what really matters."

He slipped his hand into mine. Even though we never saw any ghosts that night, we did see the sun come up over the river. And as he held onto me I thought about how wonderful it was that if I did go to Heaven, maybe I would remember nothing about this world anyway. Maybe I would have a clean slate.

-

By the time I walked up to Adam Finn's door, it was two-thirty in the morning and I could not really remember how I had gotten there. His apartment complex was quiet for a Friday night. I felt like if I breathed too loudly I might get caught.

My plan was simple: go in, grab Lily, leave. I couldn't and wouldn't let Nathan see me like this. I knocked softly, shivering with the tears still sticky on my face. Adam Finn answered the door in his boxer shorts rubbing sleep out of his eyes. Behind his head I could see a light on.

"Raina?" he gasped, surprised, "What's up?"

"Is Lily here?"

Adam shook his head. "She left about an hour ago. She's okay isn't she?" he asked, worry in his voice.

I nodded. "I just couldn't get ahold of her so I figured she'd be here. I just. . . needed to talk to her."

I hoped my cheeks weren't still red with tears, because it was at that moment that I heard Nathan's voice from my right.

"Rainy? Are you okay?"

He knew that I had been crying. I shook my head, and Adam moved aside so that I could walk in. Nathan looked sleepy, but his hand was as warm as a beating heart as he reached out and touched my arm, the contact sending a jolt up my spine. Adam mumbled that he was going back to bed and left us alone. Then there was just Nathan. . . how comforting his very presence was.

"What happened?" he asked softly.

"Nothing. I really just needed to talk to Lily."

It wasn't true. A part of me, however unconscious, had walked here only for Nathan, had known that even an hour without him was an hour too lonely to bear. He was smoking a cigarette, the light from the kitchen catching in his eyes. I knew that he knew why I was here. . . maybe not about the exact pain that I had, but about his own. He knew what it was like to want to escape from your own skin.

"I know this is gonna sound weird. . . but can I stay here tonight?"

Nathan smiled slowly like I had just told him a joke he didn't quite understand. "Sure. Stay with me. We'll talk."

He stuffed the cigarette into the ashtray and pretended to search for something in his pockets so he wouldn't have to meet my eyes. I loved the way he looked with his jeans and his torn t-shirt and his hair all sticking up from laying on it funny. I loved how I made him nervous.

I didn't know if it was the soft sound of his breathing or the smell of his skin, but I found myself doing something that I would never forget: I risked everything. I walked forward and wrapped my arms around Nathan, praying he would do the same. But instead he stepped back in shock, nearly tripping over a shoe on the floor. I felt the bones shift in his back, all of his muscles tense. He didn't move; he wasn't even breathing.

Time clicked forward but I closed my eyes and focused on his heartbeat under my ear, which was beating so fast it seemed almost mechanical, unnatural. "Raina. . ." he said softly, "I. . ."

That's when I knew that this was the first time he had ever let anyone hold him; this was the first time he had not been able to escape from me with a joke or a change of subject or a subtle shift of his eyes. He was caught.

"It's okay," I said.

Nathan hesitated, still debating whether or not he could trust his half-hour girlfriend. Then finally. . . finally, he moved into my arms and I felt his warmth encircle me like a womb.

"Yeah. It's okay," he whispered against my hair. And I knew it was.

Chapter Four

Mon, 16 Oct 2006 02:23:27 GMT

It took me and Lily ten minutes to scrape together the six dollars we needed to get into the club where Nathan's band was playing.

"What the hell? I didn't think it would cost money," I heard her mumble angrily.

We were on our hands and knees digging around for change in the car. I'd had two dollars in my wallet and she'd had four quarters to start with. This left us half short, the girl with the piercings had said, glaring at us with her black eyes. Lily called her Elvira.

I picked up a sticky quarter from under one of the seats, brushing it off. So far we'd found a dollar's worth of nickels and a handful of pennies in the glove compartment, but when we counted them up they had turned out to be fifteen cents. Since then, our luck hadn't improved much.

"Are you serious? I thought it wouldn't cost much, but I didn't think it would be free. Jeez they probably aren't that bad, Lily."

"Well I guess we don't get discounts for sleeping with members of the band after all. And I was counting on that too," she joked.

I blushed a deep shade of crimson, glad my face was hidden in the dark behind Lily's passenger seat. "I am not sleeping with Nathan."

"You guys were doing something down there in the pool."

I didn't know how to respond so I didn't say anything. I'd clutched the magic of that night so close to my heart that I had not even told Lily about it yet. The memories of our first kiss flashed through my head as I picked at a dime, which was ground into the carpet with something that had the consistency of tar. I had not seen Nathan since then, three days ago. It was the longest we had been apart since we met. I could not explain why I had been ignoring his phone calls, my mind haunted by Aaron and haunted by a feeling I could not explain. I was falling so deeply for Nathan that it was scaring me. I couldn't stop myself, I couldn't hold on and catch my breath and think of a way to climb back up. . . I was plunging into the sea.

"He kissed me and made me swim in the deep end," I murmured finally.

"Really? You wouldn't even let Aaron convince you to do that-" Lily said, then stopped short, seeing my face. It was an unspoken rule of our friendship that we did not, under any circumstances, mention two people: Aaron or my father.

"I found some quarters in a cd case back here, but we need fifty more cents," I said to break the awkward silence, and I held up the dime I had picked off.

"Sick. . . what is that?" Lily grimaced, pointing to the black substance.

"This is your disgusting car. I have no idea how you make your messes."

The moment I said this, Lily's eyes lit up with a sudden epiphany. She hurried around to the trunk and popped it open.

"What are you doing?" I called, my voice drowned out as she rummaged around the spare tire.

"Ha!" she laughed, "I knew it!"

"Please tell me you found fifty cents," I said, slapping at a mosquito, "I'm getting eaten alive out here."

Lily emerged from the trunk of the car holding up a crinkled dollar bill. "Keeping your winter coat in your trunk has its perks."

"That is the weirdest thing I've ever heard."

"Hey, I need it for maybe one week out of the entire year and it doesn't fit in my closet," she shrugged.

We divided up the bills and the sticky change, since it was going to cost us three dollars each. The girl with the piercings was waiting for us when we went back inside. Lily proudly dumped the money onto the table like a kid with a piggy bank.

"You have got to be kidding me," Elvira said under her breath, arranging our coins into piles and counting them up.

There was a problem with the dimes because a few of them had been so dirty they had looked like pennies, and they'd had to be recounted. But finally when we were proven legitimate, we got our hands stamped with a word that was either "underwear" or "underage". The ink had already bled into a sticky, indecipherable smudge by the time Elvira waved us into the main room.

It was dark and smoky and felt small. I could see a bar to my left, which explained the stamps on our hands. The people in the crowd all looked like Elvira, and I felt out of place like I did at the parties. All I kept thinking was that I was gonna see Nathan, I was gonna see Nathan. . .

For the next fifteen minutes or so, we stood around uncomfortably, skipping from pocket to pocket of smoky space inside the crowd. Apparently the opening band was having technical difficulties, but only I had expected this. Nathan had told me that the shows rarely started on time and that it was best to get there thirty minutes late. It was Lily who had insisted on getting here at exactly eight.

"I told you we should have waited," I sighed.

She only shrugged, which confirmed the fact that she could not hear me over the crowd, who had started to cheer loudly.

"Finally," Lily mouthed at me.

The opening band, Spiral, was an auditory catastrophe when they came onstage a few seconds later. They were a mess of crunching guitars and over-amplified drumming and screaming. I felt the music literally rearrange my internal organs, and I didn't think I could stand much more. I kept thinking this is what war sounds like.

"Air," I mouthed at Lily, who didn't look amused either.

We pushed and shoved our way out into the clear night, gasping for breath when we finally fell out of the open door. We flashed our stamped hands at Elvira, but she was busy making out with some guy and didn't even notice us. By then I was partially deaf and beginning to regret coming.

"This blows," Lily said, leaning against the wall.

"The opening band can't play more than a few songs right?" I asked hopefully.

"If they do, we're just gonna slip out and pretend we forgot. Or we can tell Adam and Nathan we died. It would be a believable story after having to listen to this crap," she said, gesturing towards the doors.

"I think I'm going to be deaf."

"Then I'd rather be you," Lily mumbled, and I could barely filter the sound of her voice through the cotton feeling in my ears.

Elvira actually stopped us when we tried to go back inside twenty minutes later, but all she did was roll her eyes and re-stamp our hands. I could tell she wasn't going to let us live down the change incident.

The crowd was tighter and smokier than ever, and as we made our way towards the stage I felt like I was trying to squeeze into clothing that was three sizes too small for me. We were so close I could hear the hum of the amplifiers growing louder, whispered voices made large in the microphone feed. I felt this fluttering in my stomach, this energy. It was what Nathan always told me he felt before he played. I tried to remember all the things that he had taught me about music, but I couldn't think of them now. Something about chords and language and rhythm. When Nathan talked about something he loved, I got so distracted by the passion in his voice that I usually couldn't keep up.

I never saw him come onstage. I just looked up and there he was, bigger than life. He was so close I had to step back, feeling something soft crunch underneath my foot as I did. I turned around and saw a girl with green-streaked hair glaring at me.

"Watch it, bitch," she hissed.

"Sorry," I said quietly.

I turned around and nudged Lily, who was drawing her finger in circles around her head and mouthing, "crazy."

I never thought that Nathan would see me in a million years. He was adjusting the strings on his guitar when he looked up, just for a second. I willed him to look where I was standing by the speaker. Of course I didn't expect anything to come of it, because I had never had much luck with willing things to happen on my own, using my sixth sense or learning to separate my women's intuition from my own cowardice. But then like magic, our eyes locked. He was seeing me. I blushed and felt my heart beating fast. He grinned and mouthed something to me but I couldn't make out what it was. I shook my head as he stepped over to the microphone, over the tangle of cords at his feet, never taking his gaze off of me. There was a shriek of feedback that made everyone flinch, but it was all over quick enough and it got the entire crowd to fall silent.

"He looks so hot," Lily whispered into my ear.

"I know," I smiled dreamily.

"Not him. Adam Finn," she said, nudging my arm.

I looked and saw Adam taking a swig of water from an Aquafina bottle. He looked pale and kind of sick, and I remembered Nathan telling me that he got so nervous before playing sometimes that he had to throw up in the bathroom backstage.

"Sure," I said, mostly because I felt sorry for him. But I was watching Nathan.

"Hey guys," he said, his voice so steady, masking the fear he told me he always felt when he was onstage. "We're Falling Up, as you know. But there's somebody here you probably don't know. Her name's Raina and she's my girlfriend, so try and make her feel special okay? Raina, why don't you wave?"

I didn't know what to do. Lily was staring at me open-mouthed. His girlfriend? When had that happened? Had I missed something? I flashed through the memories, the jokes we told and the flirting we did and even the kisses. . . but nothing seemed concrete enough to call us a couple in front of a hundred and fifty people. I had not agreed to this. We had never discussed this. I had never-

"His girlfriend?" Lily hissed.

I couldn't hear her. There was a hot buzzing in my head and I felt the feeling that an animal feels when it is backed into a corner. But then it all cleared when I looked at Nathan, and he smiled at me. Maybe I had just been too stupid or thick to realize that he had been trying to ask me out the whole time. . . It wouldn't have been the first time that I had misread a person's motives. . .

So I did the only thing that I could do. I laughed, blushing, raising my hand and waving it around a little. And I could feel every pair of eyes on me.

"His girlfriend?" Lily said again, and her voice was angry now.

"Hey, it works for me," I shrugged, and she rolled her eyes.

We had stupidly placed ourselves in front of one of the speakers, so when the first thud of music hit our backs a few seconds later we nearly fell over. It took a minute or two for my ears to stop ringing before I could really listen.

The song had a melody so out of place in the chaos of the crowd that it was almost shocking to hear it. It was soft and sad like Nathan's eyes, almost malleable. But I could tell that it meant something very real. It was just amplified so much that I had to dig down through the noise to get to the notes. I couldn't hear the words he sang, but I thought I recognized the tune. It wasn't a cover of a song I had heard before; I knew that he had written it himself. Instead it was the squeaky whistle of brakes at stoplights, the red stovetop hum of a Georgia sunset, the glassy water in the pool. He had taken the notes of our summer and arranged them like a puzzle. Even I was there.

When I realized this, I felt my knees go weak. Every now and then he flicked his blue eyes up at me and smiled through the lyrics. This was right, I told myself. This was where I belonged. . . with him. He knew it and so did I.

-

A fifty percent hearing loss and several songs later, Lily and I hung around while they loaded the equipment into Adam Finn's van out back. I smelled bad, like marijuana and beer, the stench of the crowd hanging on me. It was already past midnight and I felt like leaving, but I hadn't talked to Nathan yet.

"I'm gonna go to the bathroom," I said.

"Huh?" Lily screamed, pointing to her ear.

I laughed and mimed walking with my fingers, and she nodded. The club was almost empty when I went back inside by myself. A blue cloud of cigarette smoke had floated up into the rafters, gathering in the air-conditioning vents. The only other people in here besides me were a few sleeping drunks and a guy at the bar who was wiping down the counter. He winked at me, but I pretended I didn't see him. I kicked trash out of my way to get to the restrooms. They did not say Men and Women, instead using the arrow signs for Venus and Mars. The lady's room hummed with nursing-home-green fluorescent lighting as I washed my hands, thinking about the night.

So I was now Nathan's girlfriend. But what I was going to do with that title, I had no idea. The last time I had been somebody's girlfriend I had still been reading Teen Beat and watching Saturday morning cartoons. This was a role that I had no idea how to fill.

I looked at my face in the mirror and studied myself, trying to see what improvements I could make before I saw him. I hardly ever wore much makeup, and my eyes were already shadowed with sleepiness.

I did not know what it was about me, but ever since I was a small child I had looked tired, like I had taken the weight of my mother's whole life with me into this new one. It was a phenomenon that my father had noticed first, asking me every morning of my childhood if I had gotten enough sleep the night before. My concerned teachers followed, then Lily and Aaron. When I was a little girl people just thought that I had been born a sickly baby, but now they accused me of being high. I could never explain to them that I had been born defeated, that this mess was really me.

Two girls walked into the bathroom laughing, dressed in tight black jeans and halter tops. Their hair was fiery red, piercings circling their eyes. They were pretty, but not in the usual ways.

"The first band sucked. But the second, their lead singer. . . I would totally fuck him," one of them said.

"Yeah. Too bad he has a girlfriend," the other replied, fluffing her red hair.

I watched them smack clown-colored lipstick onto their lips. It was only when I looked up at my own reflection that I realized I was smiling with all the radiance of a bride on her wedding day. I knew that out of all the girls in the world, he had chosen me. Not even Aaron had made me feel like I was the only one in the world. I had always followed after him, wanting him. . . but Nathan. . . I knew that he needed me. And that was exactly what I did best: taking care of people. This was what I wanted. This was where I belonged. My life had a purpose and a battle I could win.

"Hey," one of the girls said.

"Yeah?" I asked, flinching as I forced myself out of my thoughts.

"Toss me a paper towel will you? This thing's busted."

I cranked a paper towel out of the machine and handed it to her, then I watched them leave with the butterflies of a secret in my stomach.

The guy at the bar was gone when I walked out of the bathroom, along with the few sleeping drunks. The lights had been dimmed and the front door was being locked. Just before it shut I could see the cars flashing past on the freeway like the whir of a ceiling fan. I was all by myself on the empty dance floor.

"Rainy," I heard a voice say from behind me, breathing like Darth Vader into the microphone. I nearly jumped out of my skin. "This is your conscience."

I turned and saw Nathan, who was grinning at me from the empty stage. Most of the equipment was gone except for the microphones, which belonged to the club. I crossed my arms over my chest and raised my eyebrows at him, my heart still fluttering from the jolt.

"My conscience. Really."

Nathan cupped his hands around the microphone, breathing horrifically and making the speakers crackle like bacon. "Yes. This is your conscience. You are such a boring person that I am putting in my two weeks notice."

I laughed, hearing the sound crack like a whip off the high empty walls. "I am not in the mood for jokes."

"Oh you're just so emo out there aren't you? All alone on the dance floor. Contemplating life and death. You're too good for humor because you're thinking deep thoughts about the origin of the universe and you're-"

"I can't believe you say things like emo," I said, rolling my eyes.

Nathan jumped down from the stage, his shoes smacking the floor. I felt the vibration shake the entire room.

"What the hell are you doing anyway?" he asked.

"Waiting on you."

"Waiting on me," he repeated, putting his hands on my hips and pulling me close, "Is that so?"

I wanted to run my fingers through his sweaty hair, but I held back. "Shouldn't you be helping Adam load stuff into the car?"

"Yeah. I should be."

"You're impossible," I sighed.

"Rainy, why don't you go up on that stage and tapdance for me?"

"And what makes you think I tapdance?"

Nathan pulled me close to him, pressing his warm hand against my back. I could hear our feet clicking on the floor as we slowly turned under the dusty lights. He hummed a song against my neck, gently smoothing the notes over my skin like a label. He was all I wanted and he knew it. I closed my eyes and swayed with him, feeling myself falling even deeper. Then he moved back so he could press his forehead to mine. We were seconds away from kissing each other. I opened up my mouth and moved closer to him, waiting to feel the soft wet pressure of his lips on mine.

"Nate!" someone yelled from behind us, shattering the moment. I looked up and saw Nathan's drummer, whose name I didn't know yet. He was glaring at us from the shadows. "Quit half-assing and get those freakin' amps off the stage now!"

Nathan pulled away from me and kissed the tip of my nose. "See you outside."

"Bye," I said breathlessly, and I watched him turn away.

-

When I walked back to where Lily was standing I saw that she was already talking to Adam Finn, twisting her blond hair around her index finger like she had a habit of doing when he showed her attention. Adam was talking very fast and smiling, the shivery relief he always felt after a show had gone well. Nathan was no where in sight.

"Hey," I smiled, turning around as I felt him tap me on the shoulder.

He looked incredibly sexy, the way he always did after a show, like he was electric, his hair damp and his eyes white with energy. I didn't notice when he slipped his arm around my stomach.

"What'd you think?" he asked.

It took me a second to figure out what he was talking about. Then I remembered the concert. "Oh. . . the show. You were great. I loved it. I was really, really hoping you guys wouldn't sound like the opening band, because then I might have to stop talking to you."

Nathan laughed. "Yeah I figured you'd be heading for the hills by the time we came on."

"Well I always give people the benefit of a doubt, and I must say I was happily surprised."

I leaned against the wall and watched Adam and Lily for a moment. The sleepy headlights on the freeway blinked like a movie behind them.

"You seem distracted," Nathan said.

"Some girls in the bathroom were talking about you," I smiled.

"Oh yeah? What'd they say?"

I closed my eyes and let him kiss my cheek, breathing in the way he smelled. Baby powder and cigarettes.

"I shouldn't repeat it. It wasn't exactly PG."

"Oh I get it. . . Were they hot?" he asked playfully.

I slapped his arm. "No. They were skanky."

Nathan pulled me close so that I could feel the damp heat of him, his heart beating through his shirt. For a second it didn't feel like an illusion. I felt like I really was his girlfriend, that we had been together for many years. I opened up my mouth to ask him why he had said it. . . but the words wouldn't come out. Now that we were here, it felt okay.

"You ignored me all week didn't you, Rainy?" he whispered against my ear, his breath hot.

I blushed. "Was I that obvious?"

"I've seen you almost every day since we met. You aren't the type to fall off the face of the earth."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. You're here now," he smiled.

I looked into his soft blue eyes, realizing how silly I had been all this time. I had loved Aaron five years ago when I still watched Saturday morning cartoons. It was time to move on. And there was no one I wanted to move on with more than Nathan.

"Yeah. I'm here now," I said, and I boldly pressed my lips against his mouth like I had been wanting to do all night.

He tasted like the sweet clarity of relief. I felt all at once just how nervous he had been to talk to me tonight, the vibrations of the chords still in his fingers, how much he needed me. . . I felt him smile against my lips, and he tugged my ponytail.

"Hey, Raina?" he whispered as he pulled away.

I noticed the absence of my nickname, and I knew something was wrong. "Yeah?"

"I didn't know you invited Lily tonight."

I shrugged. "She just wanted to see Adam. It's okay isn't it?"

"Sure. Just for future reference though. . . when I say I want to be with you, I just want to be with you. Okay?"

I blinked and waited for him to smile or say he was joking. When he didn't, I didn't know what to do.

"Oh. . . okay. Sure."

I had not even thought of this. Of course. . . why had I invited Lily? He had said he was asking me out on a date. Was I so much of a coward that I could not stand to be outside of her shadow for five seconds?

"You look beautiful, Rainy."

"What?" I asked.

"You look amazing, that's all," he smiled.

"Oh," I whispered.

I felt myself blushing, sinking down into the sweet quicksand. And I thought, he's waking me up. I'm awake for the first time. None of it made sense. It was moving so fast and I couldn't jump off. I had gone too far. And what was worse was that I was actually liking this. The faster we moved, the less I would have to study the details. Details always ruined everything.

Nobody had ever said I was beautiful before tonight. Girls like Lily had a beauty that they were born with and girls like my mother had a beauty that they made and radiated themselves, like the light of a star. But I. . . I was none of the above. I did not make my own beauty, I had certainly not been born with it, and I did not know how to create the optical illusion. All of my life, I had just been too tired.

"I moved some of my stuff out today," Nathan said.

"Good," I smiled, "No more sleeping on the couch."

"Well. . . just one more night at Finn's. You wanna come over for a little while and see the new apartment?"

"I don't know," I shrugged nervously.

Of course I wanted to go with him. But I couldn't help but feel like Juliet just married in secret to Romeo, so in love yet so afraid of this stranger.

As much as it hurt me to admit it, I did not know Nathan at all. I did not know what his favorite color was or when his birthday was. I did not know the thing that bothered him the most in the world, the songs and the smells and the actors and the habits that drove him crazy but he didn't know exactly why. I did not know what he had wanted to be when he was little, or the name of his childhood pet, or what his most embarrassing moment was. These were the things that his lover should have known, the things that bring you so close to another person that you can literally sense when they are hurt, sense the moment that they die, sense in your sleep when they wake up next to you at night. These were the thing I should have known, that I wanted to know so badly. But he was a story written in a language that I could not read. He made me feel like the second I opened him, I would open a Pandora's box.

"Lily and Finn can come too if you want," he said.

But I shook my head. "Maybe this weekend," I replied, and in my thoughts I added, when I know you.

Chapter Three

Mon, 16 Oct 2006 02:08:22 GMT

We hung out with Adam Finn and Nathan for the rest of the summer. As one week passed and then two, the closer I tried to get to Nathan the more he pulled himself away, until I actually questioned if he was doing it on purpose just to make me want him. We never saw each other without Lily and Adam there with us, and I knew that I would probably never get another chance to be alone with him. It was beginning to drive me crazy. I hadn't had a crush on anybody since Aaron five years ago, and the rules had changed since the sixth grade.

For me and Lily it was a whirlwind. They were unlike any boys we had ever known. We taught them the proper way to apply sunscreen at the pool, and they taught us how to give ourselves a piercing if we ever wanted to. Alcohol, ice and a safety pin. We taught them how to do the dishes, and they taught us how to drive drunk without getting caught. We drag-raced on empty Main Street after midnight, watching the blurry glow of the closed stores. I would shut my eyes, hang my arm out of Nathan's window and feel the wind slipping through my fingers, the tiny night bugs stinging my palm like sand.

Nathan taught me the chords on his guitar and how to listen for the notes outside. Church bells, the whistle of squeaky brakes at stoplights and the crunching lull of the crickets at night. These things were no longer sounds, he told me. They were notes, they were riffs and some of them were whole songs. It depended on how I put them together, and that was where writing came into play. He said that he wrote a whole song once just by listening to a thunderstorm, taking apart the lightening and the thunder, the minor and the major chords.

After ahwile, all I wanted to do when I was around Nathan was listen. I never wanted to tell him about me, about my father, about my mother, even about Aaron. I was so infatuated with the sound of his voice that whole days slipped out of my memory. He made me do things that I had never done, and would never do again. He made me listen to things that I had never given a second thought to. He showed me a world that went just a little further, just a little deeper than my own. And while he never told me anything about himself, I was falling so fast for him that it didn't seem to matter.

-

It was white hot outside when I got off work on a Tuesday in early June. Lily had hurried into the store that morning announcing that we were all going swimming later. After my boss told me I could leave at two-thirty, I went into the break room to change into my jean shorts, and when I came out I saw her.

She was a girl who looked like she was my age, dressed in corduroy pants that squeaked when she moved and a long black jacket that made me sweat just looking at it. Her back was turned to me, but I plainly saw her stuffing bread and cereal into her oversized purse.

"Hey!" I called.

She turned around, shocked. That's when I saw that she was pregnant, that one of her eyes was bruised red. She was so pale it was almost terrifying to look at her, her dirty blond hair hanging lank around her shoulders. I stepped backwards into a display of cheese crackers, knocking a few packages off the shelf. I did not know why I had seen myself looking back at me for a split second, because now that my vision cleared I saw that she did not look anything like me at all.

She knew that I knew. She saw my uniform in my hand. She knew that I could flag down my manager right then and turn her in. But I could not speak.

"Are you. . . are you finding everything okay?" I whispered.

The girl nodded, and I saw her face flame up red with something that was either rage or deep shame. She pushed past me, leaving me standing there. I heard her footsteps tapping along the linoleum, her back stiff as if she was waiting for me to fire a gun. I knew that I could lose my job for what I had just let happen. . . but something about her had shaken me to my core.

"Raina? Hello?" Lily said, rushing up from behind me.

"Hey," I said absently.

"Been at the curb for ten minutes. Thought they were making you stay late," she said.

"No," I replied, shaking my head and leaning down to pick up the mess I had made.

"You look weird."

"I'm okay," I whispered.

Lily shoved a bathing suit into my hand. At first I couldn't figure out what it was for, but suddenly it all came back: Nathan and the pool, my life.

"I brought an extra. We're late and we don't have time to stop at your place."

"This," I said skeptically, holding up the suit she had handed me, "Is a bikini."

Lily smiled, "Consider yourself lucky. I could have brought you a thong, but I figured you'd never forgive me."

I sighed deeply and stuffed it into my purse, following Lily outside into the sun. I pushed the image of the girl out of my head.

-

Even after a week and a half of hanging out with him, I still didn't know exactly why Nathan lived with Adam Finn. He had only mentioned it briefly the night of the party, and ever since then he seemed to steer the subject away into a joke or a guitar lesson every time I asked.

So far I knew more about Adam Finn than I could ever hope to know about Nathan. Adam Finn worked two jobs during the summer to support himself, one at the movie theater and one at the library. He was nineteen years old and had already been in college for one year. As far as I could tell he was doing relatively well for himself and I was impressed. I knew that he played bass and that Return of the Jedi was his favorite movie. I knew that eating black olives made him throw up, that his favorite band was The Who, and that he hated needles but something had still driven him to get a tattoo of the sun on his back. Nathan called him Finn, and Lily called him Adam Finn, and I still just called him "you". His apartment complex had a pool, so that's where we hung out a lot of the time that summer. All the things I knew about Adam, I wished that I could know about Nathan.

I stretched out on one of the plastic pool chairs, rubbing fragrant sunscreen over my arms and legs. I didn't feel like getting in the water even though it was hot enough outside to make my eyes water. I had never admitted it to anyone except Aaron and Lily, but I had an irrational fear of the deep end and not being able to touch the bottom.

Adam was chasing Lily around, trying to throw her in for the third time. Their feet slapped dark wet footprints on the concrete, and they were laughing like third-graders. I had turned on my portable cd player and opened up my book of 100 Word Searches. That was when I felt a shadow cross over me.

"Hey, Rainy, whatcha doin'? Whatcha readin'?"

I rolled my eyes, turning off my cd player and putting down my pen. I pretended I wasn't happy to see him, even though my stomach was fluttering.

"I am doing a word search."

"Are you kidding me? Do you have a coloring book around here too?"

I rolled my eyes. "If you must know, some of the smartest people in the world do word searches. It stimulates your brain, not that you would know anything about that."

Nathan clutched his heart. "Oh god she's insulting me."

"What do you want?" I laughed.

Nathan sat down on the chair next to mine. I could hear him dripping through the slats as I picked up my pen again, looking for the word, photosynthesis. It was less than ten seconds before his finger traced the letters, diagonal, backwards. I never would have seen it.

"You're dripping all over the page," I said exasperatedly. But I was really angry that he had found it before I did.

"I found it."

"Yeah, well, I would have found it eventually."

I looked up at him. Nathan smiled. His eyes were pale, faded like a quilt in the sun.

Behind his head there was a splash and a scream as Adam and Lily fell into the water, a tangled mess of arms and legs. I watched the flash of Adam's golden skin, the small sun tattoo between his shoulder blades as he kissed Lily on the foot.

"Whatcha listening to?"

I handed Nathan one of my earphones. "Chick music," he said, after only a second.

"If you came over here to insult my musical taste and drip all over my book, then you can leave," I said simply.

He laughed, "While it's true that I did come over here to do those things, I also came over for another reason. Something. . . more important."

"Oh yeah, what's that?"

"Rainy, get in the water."

"No. I like being dry," I said, stretching out on the chair and feeling the sun cover the length of my body. For the first time in my entire life, I felt like I was beautiful.

"Get in the damn water."

"No."

"It's a billion degrees out here!"

"And I'm loving every minute of it," I said.

Nathan sighed, rubbing his forehead. "Oh Rainy I didn't want it to come to this."

"What?"

Nathan gently removed the headphones from my ears, setting my cd player under the chair. Then he took the word search book off my lap, stood up, and threw it straight into the pool.

I jumped up. "You asshole!"

"Ha ha!" he said.

I slid into the pool to grab it before it sunk, the water biting my hot skin. I had to admit that it felt absolutely delicious against my peeling sunburn.

"I got it Raina!" Adam Finn said, diving after it with Lily close behind.

"Don't give it to her!" Nathan yelled.

Pages floated around me like flowers as they threw it back and forth over my head. I couldn't stop laughing. There was water in my nose and in my ears, water flushing off the sunscreen I had just put on. Nathan pushed me under with him. I could feel the light weaving itself over our heads, and I listened to the thick sound of the liquid churning around us. If I tried, I could pick out the individual notes and chords in our movements.

When I climbed out of the pool moments later, I was shivering and my legs were weak. Adam Finn reached up and handed me the book, which was soggy and falling apart.

"Slightly damp," he said, "Sorry."

"Oh wow, Nathan look- a true gentlemen," Lily giggled.

I flopped back onto my chair, soaking the bottom of it. Nathan sat down next to me, and the hot wind almost felt too cold now.

"Happy?" I asked.

"Yes. What's the point of being at a pool if you're just gonna sit there getting skin cancer? On a day like this you have to be swimming."

"I wasn't swimming. I was trying to save the book that you so rudely destroyed."

"Oh jeez, what'd it cost you? A whole dollar?"

"A dollar fifty. You owe me, and I'll take it to court if I have to."

"Come on. . . you wouldn't sue a guy for all he's worth."

I laughed and put the book in the sun to let it dry. Then I looked at him. For reasons I did not know and had never really thought to question, Nathan always wore a t-shirt when we hung out at the pool. But I could see the black smudge of a tattoo on his back, in the same place where Adam's was.

"What's that?" I asked, pressing my finger into it.

"A tattoo."

"Of what?"

"It's just a word," Nathan shrugged, "I got it a couple years ago with Finn."

"What about this one?" I asked, pointing to the spiked band around his arm. I could just see it peeking out from under his shirt sleeve.

"Last year."

"Did they hurt a lot when you got them done?"

"Yeah a little, but for it to be really painful I think it depends on where you get 'em."

"I've been thinking about getting one," I said, "I want a word too."

"Which word?"

I shrugged, listening to Lily and Adam's laughter in the pool. Maybe a word wasn't right. . . but I couldn't think of anything else.

"I don't know. Something to sum my life up."

"Well good luck, that really narrows it down," Nathan said, his eyes shimmering in the sun.

I leaned forward, pressing my hand to his wet back. In a moment of blind confidence, I reached my fingers under the top of his shirt. His skin felt cool where the cloth had stuck.

"What the fuck are you doing?" he yelled, pulling away from me.

"Oh. . . I'm sorry. I just wanted to see what it said."

I didn't know if he was really angry or not, because so many times Nathan was just joking around. But the look in his eyes was dark, and I knew like a fist in my gut that I had crossed some sort of line.

"Maybe it's none of your business."

"I- I'm sorry," I murmured, and I could feel my face flaming red.

Nathan shrugged as his eyes softened. "No, it's okay. Really it is. I'm not really mad."

I leaned back in my chair and stretched my legs out on the warm plastic. I watched him stand up, walking away from me.

"It says shame," he said.

Then he dove into the water.

-

The sky turned deep blue as the sun began to set, and I was sleepy from the pool and the sun, the hollow sound of water still thumping in my ears. Up in Adam's dark apartment, Nathan's boxes were everywhere. He had been sleeping in the living room for God knows how long, and I wondered where he had been before that.

"Moving out on Saturday or Friday," he told me, smiling.

I was sitting on Adam's couch letting myself dry on a towel. I looked around at his stuff, which was so out of place in the tiny room.

"Where are you going?" I asked.

"I've saved since March, and I'm finally getting my own apartment. On Gray Street. It's pretty crappy, but it's what I can afford."

It occurred to me then that I had no idea where Nathan worked or if he was going to school in the fall. But I simply added these to his list of mysteries.

"Do you have parents?"

This made him laugh like he was humoring a small child. "I spontaneously appeared in a cabbage patch one day. I've never been able to figure it out."

I rolled my eyes. "You know what I mean. Your in-case-of-emergency people."

What I was really asking him was, don't you have anybody? The loneliness I could see in his eyes was so cold sometimes that it frightened me. I guess it was because I could see my own loneliness there, my own isolation.

"Of course I have parents, Raina," Nathan said.

I heard Lily and Adam giggling in the bedroom, the sound of their kissing, something falling onto the floor with a crash. Nathan looked at me.

"Let's get outta here, Rainy."

I smiled and nodded. "Yeah. Good idea."

-

It was almost dark outside by then, and we walked down to the pool. It was the first time since the party that we were completely by ourselves. I didn't know what to say to him. All the jokes we told and the chords he pointed out for me and the flirting we did. . . none of it seemed okay now. I wanted to say more. We were still in our swimsuits, still damp and sunburned. I had felt guilty all day for what had happened at the pool, and I could not shake away the look I had seen in his eyes. Neither of us had mentioned it.

The squeaky gate that opened to the pool was closed, but no one had bothered to lock it that night. We crept inside the fence like we were breaking the law. The concrete was warm on our bare feet, and the water was as still as glass. It didn't matter that we were here because no one else was around. The deep cool scent of chlorine hung in the air like a magician's cape.

"I can't swim," I said, "I hate the deep end."

Nathan sat down, letting his feet hang into the pool. I thought that if I confessed this, he might tell me something, anything, about himself. But he just stared into the ripples he had created like he had not heard me.

"Why?" he asked.

"I hate not touching the bottom."

I sunk down next to him only when I was sure it was okay. My feet slipped into the warm pool, and I watched a bug skirt across the surface. Every few seconds the filter thumped with water. It was the only sound apart from our breathing, but I knew we didn't have to talk. Nathan and I could always just be silent when we had to. I rested my sunburned arm against his and thought about how hard I was falling for him. For the first time since I met him, I noticed the constellations of freckles on his wrist.

"You are looking at me funny," he said, a half smile playing on his lips.

I chuckled nervously. "No. . . I wasn't."

Without warning, Nathan slid into the water, holding out his hands to me.

"Come on, Raina. I won't let you drown."

The water was as warm as a bath from heating itself in the sun all day. I could touch the slimy bottom as soon as I slipped in, and I noticed that a big black number 4 was painted on the cement wall next to my head. I let the water soak into my cold bathing suit as I drifted down into it. The quietness, the peacefulness. . . this was what I was used to. This was what my life really was: isolation. I felt the flash of Nathan's body as he swam right beside me like a shark, coming up for air a few feet away from my face.

"Nathan?" I asked, paddling over to him.

"Yeah?"

"How come you wear a t-shirt when you swim?"

"Well, it's kind of embarrassing. I sort of have a medical condition," he said.

I felt terrible for asking. How many mistakes had I made today anyway? "Oh god. . . I- I'm so sorry. I didn't know. What is it?" I asked tentatively.

"I have three nipples," he said, completely serious.

I raised my eyebrows and searched his face for any sign that he was kidding me. When I didn't find any, I didn't know exactly what to do.

"Oh," I said.

"I went to a million doctors when I was a kid but they couldn't do anything about it."

"Couldn't you-"

Nathan suddenly turned away from me, and I saw that he was shaking with laughter, clinging on to the blue plastic rope that separated the shallow end from the deep end.

"I can't- I can't keep a straight face anymore!"

I felt my cheeks flush red as the realization hit me. "Jerk," I whispered.

"Rainy you should have seen your face! You are so gullible!"

I splashed him with water. He slipped under the rope and splashed me back. He knew that I had no choice but to follow him, and I could feel my feet starting to slip on the bottom. Under the rope, I was standing on the tips of my toenails. When he pulled me to him, I was weightless the way Aaron told me I would be in outer space. We stopped laughing when we realized how close we were, the situation we had finally put ourselves into. His eyes were shadows in the fading light and above his head was the sliver of new moon. I took in the way he smelled, like chlorine and soft sheets.

"Put your legs and arms around me," he whispered.

"Why?"

"Just do it."

Without questioning, I wrapped my arms over his shoulders and squeezed his body tightly to mine with my legs. I could feel his heart beating between us, beating fast.

"This is awkward," I laughed.

He breathed so close to my mouth we could have been sharing the same words. "Yeah a little. Don't think about it."

It was only then that I realized he was walking us towards the deep end of the pool.

"Nathan-"

"Just hold onto me. I won't let you go," he said.

We were far out now, the water rising up to our shoulders. He backed us against the slippery cement wall so that he could hold onto the ladder to keep us from sinking.

I knew that it was going to happen before it happened. Gently, Nathan pressed his lips to mine, then waited to make sure it was okay. I was so surprised I didn't move for a second. I had not had a boyfriend or been kissed since Aaron. Even though I was eighteen, I'd never felt the desire to date anyone else. . . until Nathan.

I kissed him back, tasting the wet pool water, chlorine and salt. He put his hand on the back of my head, his fingers tangling into my hair. All at once it had changed; we had changed. I clung to him like a baby, terrified of going under, suddenly hungry for him in a way that was almost violent. A rush of feeling erupted through me, tingling in my breasts and in my stomach as he moved his fingers lower. I had never been kissed like this before, but it came to me naturally, letting my mouth open up so that he could slip his tongue inside. The words stay with me raced across my mind but I could not pinpoint why. When we stopped for air I realized that he had let go of me, that I was floating by myself, away from him. How quickly his hands had moved.

"You did it," he smiled.

I laughed and kicked my feet at the thick nothingness beneath me. "This feels weird."

"That's how my dad taught me," he said, "In the ocean. It was really scary, because I couldn't see the bottom and I thought there were sharks. But when he let go I realized that if I didn't swim the waves would knock my head off."

This was the first time that Nathan had ever mentioned anything about his parents.

"Yeah the ocean would be worse. This is actually kind of fun."

He swam closer to me, his shadow covering me before he did. "I like you a lot, Raina."

I wrapped my arms around him again, pulling him down so that we had to cling to the wall once more. We were breathless with the fight it took to keep us both above water. I rested my fingers at the top of his neck.

"Nathan. . . we barely know each other."

But as I said it he had kissed me again, and I knew that whatever reasons I had were not enough to justify breaking away. I closed my eyes this time, opening my mouth. As it happened, a picture of Aaron flashed across my mind, and a terrible feeling that I had disappointed him spread inside of me until I felt tears sting the back of my eyelids. I tried not to think about him and the telescope that night, but I was. I saw his scared eyes and the soft stars of the Andromeda Galaxy. It was only when Nathan said my name that I shivered, forgetting. He whispered it so softly against my shoulder it felt like a silk thread.

"I was lucky when I saw you at the party," he said, murmuring the words against my neck.

"Why is that?" I whispered.

"Because when I saw you, I knew you were like me."

-

When we got out of the pool a few minutes later, it was cold and I was shivering. My hands were wrinkled white, the color of the high thin moon. I didn't want to leave.

"Rainy?" Nathan said, turning around to face me.

It was dark, but I could see the water glistening blue on his skin.

"Yeah?" I asked.

"You wanna see my band this Friday?"

"Sure."

"Just a heads up, Rainy, I'm asking you out on a date," he grinned.

I smiled, toweling my hair dry. "Just a heads up, Nathan, I'm saying yes."

Chapter Two

Mon, 16 Oct 2006 01:54:58 GMT

The summer before our senior year of high school, Lily met a boy named Adam Finn. Since Lily had a habit of meeting boys just about everywhere we went, I didn't think much of it at first. But as the hot weeks began to slip past he somehow found his way into more and more of our conversations.

Adam Finn, whose name we could not seem to say unless we said it all, worked at the movie theater on Robin Street. He was a shadow who came in after the show one Friday night and shoved a broom under our feet. Since Lily had only been able to catch glimpses of him in the glowing white light of the movie credits, I really couldn't figure out what drew her to him exactly. But when we came back later in the week and he was taking tickets, I figured it out.

Adam Finn had a quiet way about everything he did, and even I had to admit that he was beautiful with his tossed dark hair and his tan and these weathered green eyes like the ones I had seen on the fishermen at the coast. His skin always smelled like pool water and the sun. I watched as he folded our tickets in half along the crease and broke them apart, and when he handed Lily the stub she blushed and he smiled. His nametag just said "Finn", but he told us his name was Adam.

After that we went to the movie theater every Friday night just hoping to catch a glimpse of Adam Finn. He seemed to have a different job every time we went: popping popcorn, taking tickets, cleaning the sticky floors of the theater. This made for complications. The second we got there we had to first figure out where he was and then make up an ingenious plan that involved us running into him somehow. The entire thing usually took over an hour, and the obsessive amount of effort she put into it made me realize that Lily Hensen, who had never loved anyone before, was falling in love with Adam Finn.

I don't know at exactly what point I started noticing it, but once I did I couldn't notice anything else: everywhere we went, Adam Finn somehow seemed to be there too. He was at the mall, at the grocery store, then at the pool. I never told Lily when I'd catch a glimpse of his dark hair as he disappeared behind a shelf or buried his face in a magazine while we passed. It soon became apparent that one or both parties was stalking the other. Though they had played a good game of flirting and cat-and-mouse since April, Lily and him had not gone on a real date yet and I had never seen her so smitten with anybody before. Like Aaron's genius in the sixth grade, Adam Finn had become her obsession. The more we saw him the worse it got until I could almost feel Lily's ache in my own stomach.

One Friday afternoon in late May I was standing behind register three at the grocery store where I had worked for almost two years. I was bored and the store was practically empty. School had let out two weeks before, and I had mostly spent the summer here, endlessly scanning and smiling and sacking.

When I finished ringing up five pounds of "On Sale!" peaches for two old women, I was shocked to look up and discover that the next person in my line was Lily.

She was out of breath, her face flushed, and she was holding a packet of gum in her fist.

"Your stupid boss said I couldn't talk to you unless I bought something, so here I am," she said, rolling her eyes and tossing the package of Wrigley's Double Mint onto my scanner.

"What are you doing here?" I said under my breath.

I scanned the gum and hit the Total button, then took my time sacking it while Lily leaned in closer.

"Adam Finn."

"Oh no," I sighed, "What about him now? He's not here is he?!"

I looked around wildly, expecting to see the flash of his golden skin. But Lily shook her head, grabbing my store smock and pulling me close.

"Keep your voice down. No he's not here but we're hanging out with him tonight, and I swear if it's the last thing I do I'm going to make out with him."

"But I work until nine!" I exclaimed.

The man behind Lily sighed angrily, and she turned and glared at him.

"I heard from Cindy Mitchell that he's going to be at Jessica Allen's party tonight."

"No way! I can't stand her!"

Jessica Allen lived in a house that was bigger than mine and Lily's combined, and she had been snobby to us since grade school. We had never willingly come within ten feet of her, and I didn't know why on earth we would start now.

"There is a very good chance you won't see her. Please. . . do this. You have to."

"Why do I have to?"

"Miss, you are holding up the whole line," the man said, impatiently tapping Lily on the shoulder.

She whirled around, her eyes flashing. If there was one person in the world who could turn perfect Lily into a frantic frazzled mess, it was Adam Finn.

"Look, there's no one at register one. It's not my fault you're too lazy to pick up your stuff and walk over there!"

"You are going to get me fired," I hissed under my breath as the man marched off in the direction of my manager's office.

"Good," Lily said, "Then you'll be free tonight, because I need you there for moral support."

"Okay, okay, I will go. I still don't see why this is so important but-"

"Thanks!" Lily squealed. She tossed me a dollar bill. "Keep the change!"

"What about your gum?"

"You can have it!" she called, before disappearing out of the sliding glass doors.

-

I somehow talked a shy, quiet new girl named Hannah into working the rest of my shift so that I could meet Lily at the curb at seven o'clock.

I'd had my license for a whole year and of course my father had a car, but he didn't like me driving it unless I had to. I usually didn't take the risk. Most of everything in the small town of Ashton was in walking distance anyway.

Lily's small blue Honda slowed to a stop at the curb and I got in, still patting makeup onto my face and smacking the gum she had left at my register. I had changed in the break room, glad about the fact that I never wore my uniform to work. Still, I didn't feel very glamorous in my jeans and t-shirt. Luckily I wasn't going to be there to impress anyone, unlike Lily who had obviously spent the entire afternoon picking out The Perfect Outfit. She looked gorgeous as usual, and I could already tell that I would spend the rest of the night slinking around in her shadow.

"I don't feel like doing this."

"He's going to be there."

"I don't care about Adam Finn," I sighed loudly.

Lily didn't answer me, and I could tell that she was already a thousand miles away, thinking about Adam's glittering pointed stare.

-

By the time we walked into Jessica Allen's huge house fifteen minutes later, Adam Finn was no where in sight.

"I can't believe this!" Lily sighed, leaning against the wall, "Cindy Mitchell told me he would be here!"

"Why didn't you just call him?" I asked tentatively.

"Are you kidding me? Maybe because I didn't want to look like his desperate stalker!"

I looked around at the crowd of kids, thinking about how absolutely desperate we really were. Most of the people I knew from school, but there were others I had never seen before. Even though I had only vague glimpses to go on, I didn't see Adam Finn anywhere. I was relieved; we could go home.

"Let's just go get some pizza. I want to get out of here before Jessica sees us. I bet we weren't even invited."

"Oh since when does she care who comes to these things?"

Lily's eyes were still desperately scanning the crowd. I picked at my nails. After so many years of friendship I knew Lily very well. In five minutes she would huff off to find Cindy Mitchell and chew her out for lying. In ten minutes I figured we'd be out of here, cranking angry music up in the car. I could handle that well enough because I hated parties and I hated huge crowds. It never took me long to feel suffocated.

But then she was clutching my arm, her long nails digging into my skin. "Adam Finn. Twelve o'clock."

I looked straight ahead where she was pointing, but I didn't see Adam Finn. Instead I saw a boy with a cigarette in his mouth, who was looking at me. I figured he was looking at Lily at first because most guys pretended I was a part of the wallpaper when she was around, but the more I stared at him the more I realized that it was me he was focused on, and I could feel my face getting very hot. He was thin and had dark hair and eyes that could change colors. Chameleon eyes. He was changing the color right in front of me now, dark to electric white. I had never felt anything like it. It started at the tips of my toes and raced like a sting to the top of my head, leaving a trail of goosebumps in its wake. I could not breathe.

"He sees us!" Lily said, waving over the crowd.

I wasn't watching for Adam Finn. I was watching that boy who was watching me. There was a girl next to him on the couch who looked like she'd had way too much to drink, and she was running her hand up the length of his leg, breathing into his ear. He was just so cool, like he didn't feel her there. I blushed and looked away, and when I looked up again I saw he wasn't sitting there anymore.

"Raina, meet Adam Finn," Lily said, tugging my arm.

I turned to Adam. Yes, here was Adam Finn- someone I knew, someone comfortable and familiar to slow my racing heartbeat. Up close Adam had a face as simple as his name, but he had the deep, sad, liquid eyes of a lover. And I thought you could tell him anything at all, and he would probably listen to you and believe every word you said.

"Hi. I'm Raina, I go to the movie theater with Lily," I said.

I held out my hand to Adam and he took it in his, but he didn't shake it like I expected him to, just squeezed and let it drop.

"Oh that was you?" he asked, "So I guess we've met. . . sort of."

"Yeah. Sort of," I replied.

I smiled at him, and he smiled at me because we both knew that he had been following Lily all summer, that he had probably already fallen in love with her, that he didn't know what to do with himself when she was around. Right at that second I felt like I was holding Adam Finn's secret in the palm of my hand.

It was a few moments before I noticed that standing next to him was the boy with the cigarette, the one who had been looking at me. I felt my stomach turn over. A flush of warmth ran through my body.

"Raina," Adam Finn said, "This is Nathan."

Nathan and I seemed to realize at the same second exactly what was going on here. Adam and Lily. Me and Nathan. This was a set up, a messed up double date that had been created without our consent. Nathan was glaring at Adam, and I was glaring at Lily. Neither of us seemed to be able to look at each other.

"Come dance with me," Adam said, and Lily giggled even though no one had made a joke. She turned and waved to me, and I watched her disappear into the crowd, leaving me alone. I was sure I would never forgive either of them.

Nathan and I didn't say anything to each other. He shifted and looked down at his feet and hummed a song I thought I'd heard before. We leaned against the wall. If we looked at one another, we looked away very quickly.

I watched Lily and Adam in the center of the living room, dancing a dance that looked more like foreplay than anything else. Their bodies were fluid, pressed together at the hips and moving. They were both so beautiful that it seemed natural to see them together, like they were two movie stars at a premiere party. Lily threw her head back and laughed at something he had whispered to her. A rap song was playing. I could only make out the beat.

"Hi," Nathan said finally.

I turned and smiled at him. My palms were slick with sweat. "Hi. Sorry."

"Me too. I didn't know."

I noticed how blue his eyes were now that he was standing so close. They were so cool they made goosebumps rise on my arms, but his face was the face of a little boy. There was a deep sadness there that I could feel. It literally radiated off of him like the heavy crushing pull of a magnet. I had to look away.

"Your Adam's friend?" I asked.

"Who, Finn?"

"Sure. Whatever you call him," I said. Everyone seemed to have a different name for Adam, and I still didn't know exactly which one I should use.

"I live with him. Well, at least for a couple more weeks. We're in a band together."

I turned to Nathan so that I could look at him better. He seemed. . . simple, with his messy dark hair and his ripped jeans. But I immediately saw that under my first impression, he was breathtakingly beautiful. He was so beautiful that I had to blink, step back, like someone had just flashed a camera bulb off in my face. I had the same reaction looking at him that I always did when I found a picture of my mother stored away in the garage, marveling at how simple she made herself seem, when there was really so much below the surface. I wanted to touch his heavy sad eyes; I wanted to ask, what happened to you?

"Really," I said. "What music do you play?"

Nathan pointed to the ceiling. "Not this crap."

I chuckled, "Good. I hate being dragged to these things. I don't know about you."

"Yeah. I mean, there's not much to do in Ashton but. . ."

"There's gotta be something else," we said at the same time.

I grinned at him. "You owe me a Coke."

"What?"

"Jinks. We said something at the same time. You know, 'Jinks you owe me a Coke'. It's just a stupid thing people say," I explained, and my tongue felt too heavy in my mouth.

Nathan just nodded. We were quiet, and suddenly just as things were finally starting to feel comfortable I was nervous again. I could have killed Lily. Adam Finn was whispering something into her ear, and she was closing her eyes. I had to admit that I had never seen her so happy with anyone and that she probably would have done the same thing for me. Still though. . . what was I supposed to do with this guy for the rest of the night?

"You wanna go outside?" Nathan asked.

"Sure," I smiled, happy for an excuse to leave the crowded smoky room.

We walked out onto the back deck, where there was less people and a sky so silver with stars it looked almost like the planetarium that day at the museum. I wondered how weird Nathan would think I was if I told him about Antares.

"I'm sorry. Finn said your name but. . ."

"Raina," I said simply, turning to face him.

"Raina. That's right. I knew it was something I'd never heard before."

Nathan slid another cigarette out of the package in his pocket. He was always smoking. I watched him light it, resting it between his lips. The soft red movement of his mouth distracted me for a long time before I remembered that I needed to say something.

"Yeah. My mother was a hippie. I think she wanted to name me plain old Rain, but my dad put his foot down and made her add the A. He thought I'd get made fun of."

"You probably would have," Nathan said, exhaling a stream of smoke.

"Oh that's nice," I laughed nervously. I couldn't tell if he was joking or not.

"Hey I wouldn't have made fun of you," he said, and now I could see that he was smiling, "A guy doesn't meet a girl named Raina everyday. I probably would have asked you out."

I felt my face flame up so hot my eyes started to water. I bit my lip and stared down at the wooden railing I was resting my elbows on.

"So how long have you known Adam Finn?" I asked.

Adam was like the one thing that held us together, the one thing we had in common. I just kept going back to him, terrified of letting us fall silent.

"A couple years I guess."

"He likes Lily a lot."

"Yeah. I guess so."

I stared up at the sky helplessly, my eyes scanning the lights. I looked for Scorpius in the south, because every time I saw that constellation I felt closer to Aaron, but it hadn't risen above the pine trees yet. Say something, say anything, I was thinking. He was close enough now for me to feel how warm his skin was. Nathan always smelled like baby powder and cigarettes.

"Do you want a drink or something?" he asked.

I shook my head. Being around my father was enough to make me swear off alcohol forever. I had never been drunk before, but I imagined it would certainly loosen up my nerves at a moment like this. The offer was tempting.

"Okay, I'm gonna ask you a very personal question," Nathan said.

I turned and raised my eyebrows at him, waiting as he took a drag of the cigarette. Then we smiled at each other. I noticed that even when Nathan smiled he looked so sad. . . like this was all a lie, his whole life a painful charade that he had to live for some reason I would never know. He reminded me of a person trying to survive in a new country.

"Do people ever call you Rainy?"

"Are you kidding me? That's your personal question?" I laughed, "I thought we'd moved on from my name."

"So that's a no?"

"Yes, that is a no," I smiled.

"Would you mind if I did?"

This made me blush. "Why on earth would you want to do that?"

"So if it's sunny I can say, 'hey it's rainy outside'. I'll really be talking about you, but no one will know that. And then they'll think it's raining and we can laugh at 'em. It'll be our secret."

Nathan nudged me with his shoulder. At this point I couldn't decide if he was adorable or just plain weird, but he was making me laugh harder than I had laughed in weeks anyway.

"That sounds like a brilliant plan."

"I just made it up. I'm full of good ideas," he said proudly.

"You're full of something," I mumbled.

"I heard that."

I burst out laughing again, resting my head in my hands. It felt so comfortable, like I had been talking to him for years instead of minutes.

"How old are you anyway, Nathan?" I said when I caught my breath.

"Guess."

I thought about the way he talked and the way he grinned, and I looked at his face. He seemed no older than sixteen. But then his eyes. . . no, his eyes were the oldest eyes I had ever seen. He could have been three hundred years old, he could have been twelve. I had no idea.

"Nineteen?" I guessed.

"Off by a year. Eighteen. I just graduated," he said, "And you, Rainy, you must be thirteen right?"

"Ha ha."

"Younger?"

"Shut up."

Nathan grinned and flicked the cigarette into the yard below. For the first time since Aaron in the sixth grade, I felt that warm soft pull to kiss somebody. I wanted to kiss Nathan. We stared up at the sky. I could hear him breathing; he was that close to me. Could we kiss? We hadn't known each other for very long, but I felt like I already knew the scars I could see in his eyes. I could touch them and trace them, like they were maps of places I had already been. I saw the two of us, the way we were and the way we would always be. Comfortable.

"Raina!" Lily said from behind me.

She was holding on to Adam Finn's hand, her face flushed pink. They were both laughing. I thought they looked like models in a catalogue, young and bright-eyed and thrown together.

"We're going out for pizza. You guys coming?"

I looked at Nathan and he smiled. "Come on, Rainy. I owe you a Coke."

He held out his hand to me, and I hesitated for a fraction of a second before I took it. When I did I could feel the calluses on his fingers from playing guitar, and I knew with a strange sort of clarity that even if I didn't love him now, I would.

Chapter One

Mon, 16 Oct 2006 01:32:39 GMT

In order to understand me and Nathan, you first have to understand me and Aaron. Aaron was a boy who moved into my neighborhood when I was eleven years old. He was a boy who wore glasses and ate peanut butter and watched Dexter’s Laboratory, and he was the first boy I ever loved.

We shared the same homeroom at Robert E. Lee Junior High, and at first I hated him because he was brilliant. For Aaron, making an A on a paper was like drawing a stick figure. He found the unknown X in mathematical equations like he didn't have to think about it at all. And when he presented his book reports, it was as cool as watching a movie in the theater. My classmates would hush their whispering, Mrs. Donaldson would dim the lights, and we'd all sit back for the show he had strategically put together the week before.

The one thing that comes into my head over and over again when I think about Aaron is outer space. When I think about Aaron I remember the solar system. I remember big Styrofoam painted planets and fragrant suns made of ripe oranges. Even from a distance you wanted to pluck them out of his cardboard displays and suck on them. I remember the telescope in his messy bedroom and how he kissed me under a lunar eclipse when we were thirteen years old. I remember the way he made these complicated scientific things so easy for me to understand, the way the universe moved in a rhythm and how God had hung our earth in the nothingness just the right distance from the sun. I remember Aaron's shadow coming closer to mine that night with the lunar eclipse, and just before our lips touched I thought about the earth's shadow covering the moon like a mother protecting her child.

When I was in the sixth grade, I watched Aaron from a distance and took notes. My best friend Lily Hensen and I became obsessed with him. We followed him home. On the bus, we sat three rows behind him and watched the trees glinting on the lenses in his glasses. We hovered around him at lunch, trying to catch the vibes from his genius as he ate his Spaghettios.

"How does he do it?" Lily sighed, tossing her math paper into the trashcan one day.

We were learning algebra by then, and it was nothing like the simple solid 2 plus 2 we were used to. Why would you put letters with numbers anyway? It didn't make sense to us, and it seemed wrong. But it never stopped coming. After we learned how to add equations for X, Mrs. Donaldson moved on to teaching us multiplication, division and the distributive property. Somehow I knew that I would not see the last of algebra in the sixth grade or even in college, and if I didn't understand it now I was in trouble.

"He cheats," I suggested, adding up the mistakes I had made on my own paper.

Lily leaned against the scratchy cement wall, a P.E. class echoing through the door behind it. She looked up at the sky and furled her eyebrows in bewilderment.

Even when she was twelve years old, Lily Hensen was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. Her hair was long and white-blond like a mythological creature's, and her eyes were a color of blue so pale it seemed like a mistake. She coasted through puberty with breasts while I gained weight and got acne. I hid in her shadow, afraid to even raise my face to the world when she was in front of me.

"No. Nobody is that clever. We need to get in with him. He needs to show us how he does it."

"He's nerdy," I shrugged.

"No. Nobody is that nerdy," Lily said bitterly, more to herself than to me.

We were late for English class, but I didn't say anything because by then I just couldn't care. We did this more often than not, hiding in the girl's bathroom or the gym, starting up a bad habit of skipping that would follow us through high school.

Lily and I had been best friends for almost as long as I could remember. When we met in kindergarten, Lily didn't have a father and I didn't have a mother. It was as easy as trading baseball cards. And in other ways also, we were opposites to the point of a perfect match. Lily had blue eyes, and I had black eyes. Lily liked playing with makeup, and I liked playing with Barbies. She did everything before me. She'd had her first kiss when we were seven, she got her period a couple of months before I did, and she lost her virginity when she was only fourteen to a boy she refused to mention. But one thing we had in common above everything else, one thing that she could not hold over my head, was that we sucked at all things math and there was nothing anyone could do about it.

"I'm not asking him for help. Doesn't he creep you out a little?"

"My mother is going to kill me when she sees my report card. We don't have a choice anymore. Look at this!"

Lily reached into the trashcan and pulled out her math paper, shoving it in my face. She had only missed two more than I had. I didn't say anything, just bit my lip knowing she was right.

-

Neither of us mentioned Aaron again until our annual field trip to the science museum. Lily and I spent most the day poking around in the gift shop and running our fingers over smooth bright rocks, as colorful as rainbows.

The museum was really a spectacular place, and it was easy to get overwhelmed in it. A jungle gym in the wiry shape of a molecule sat on one end, and you could climb inside the huge plastic bunches without your shoes on and pretend to be so small you were invisible. At another end were real space ships and cockpits you could walk into. A dinosaur skeleton hung in the center, the tips of its toes bigger than the palm of my hand. We'd been coming here ever since elementary school, but somehow even when we hit junior high it was every bit as awesome and big as it had been when we were six.

At the end of the day when we all met up at the planetarium, that's when it changed. Aaron sat next to me and Lily in the planetarium. He sat on my side, his bare arm brushing mine. And the lights dimmed, and the stars appeared like a spray on the ceiling, silver and breathtaking even though I knew it was fake.

"Antares," Aaron whispered into my ear, like this was my name, like we talked everyday. I could taste the buttery warmth of his breath as it gathered in the crook of my neck.

"Huh?" I hissed back, nervously watching Mrs. Donaldson, who was glaring at us.

"I said Antares."

"Yeah I know. What're you talking about?" I asked, annoyed.

Aaron pointed to the constellation Scorpius. It always took me a really long time to see constellations when my father pointed them out to me through the car windshield. I would strain my eyes and press my palms against the glass, seeing only a mess. But surprisingly enough when Aaron traced my finger through the air along the same path as his, it jumped out at me immediately, the twisting body of the mythological monster. It was so close I felt like it could have reached out and pierced my gut with its poisonous tail.

"That's the red one. It's the heart. Cool huh?"

I looked and I saw it, and I couldn't believe it: a colored star in the middle of so much white. The heart of the scorpion, a star called Antares, was pale pink like a pinprick from a needle. Seeing the expression on my face, Aaron explained to me that Antares was a red supergiant star 10,000 times brighter than our sun. Bloody and glowing and angry. It was the heart of torment.

I wanted to ask Aaron more. I wanted him to tell me everything he knew about the universe. And when he turned and smiled at me in the dark, I knew that this was just the beginning.

"It's far away?" I asked.

"Really far. Farther than your brain can imagine."

"Cool," I said, because it was the only thing I could think of.

I've always thought that the moment you realize you love someone is the moment you realize you are the same, in some way. It can be something as insignificant as laughing at the same joke or sneezing at the exact same second. But the fact remains that you have found someone who, if anything, will know you from a distance. You have found someone who contains some glimmer of yourself, and it's that glimmer you are drawn to. Me, I was drawn to the glimmer of Aaron's loneliness.

-

My father became an alcoholic on the day my mother died, which was the same day that I was born. I remember nothing about that day, and he refuses to talk about it even though he has assured me time and time again that it was not my fault. Growing up it was always hard to believe this when I caught him staring at pictures of my mother in the old photo book with his eyes as sad as rain.

In those pictures she was a teenage girl laughing in her big 70's sunglasses. She was so simple, her flower-child hair hanging down to her hips. She was not beautiful in the way Lily was, and some people would say that she wasn't beautiful at all. But I thought with the fierce loyalty of a child that she was breathtaking. She had my dirty blond hair and my lips, and my father said that when she talked she sometimes emphasized the same words that I did. I still have the snowglobe she bought me before I was born. It plays the song "I Only Have Eyes for You."

My father loved my mother probably more than he has ever loved me. But surprisingly enough I don't hold it against him. When I look into his eyes, I feel pity. His beloved wife had literally switched places with a screaming infant he had no idea what to do with. He had been left alone with no time to grieve, because I just needed and needed and needed him. As time went on I think he got the hang of it, but something was always missing between us. A rift.

It was something I couldn't help feeling. It was something that Aaron brought out of me through him on that day at the planetarium. Something to do with Antares.

After that day, Lily and Aaron and I were best friends. It's strange to think about the fact that he had such an impact on my life, yet I only knew him for a year.

After a month of letting him hang out with me and Lily, I decided to test Aaron's friendship. Lily knew all about my father, and it was a subject we never mentioned. But Aaron. . . I wondered if I could trust Aaron.

I invited him home with me to work on a project for school. It was autumn in Ashton, Georgia but I remember it was hot enough outside to go swimming. My father, who was not always drunk but always somehow embarrassing, was lying back on the couch when I got home.

Aaron and I put our bags by the door and slipped off our shoes so that we wouldn't track mud onto the already dirty carpet. My father was not a violent person, and I had never been afraid of him. Usually he was just bumbling and loud and red when he was drunk, but today I was relieved to find that he was asleep, simply and quietly with a bottle next to the chair; a bottle that I picked up, making a big show out of waving it in Aaron's face before I threw it away. I was daring him to judge us, seeing how he would react. His reaction would tell me everything.

"I couldn't find any labels. Maybe we can cut up some index cards," Aaron said, smoothing his sweaty blond hair away from his forehead.

I had told him we were going to start a butterfly collection for extra credit, and as I stood there looking at him I couldn't decide if I was doing this because I didn't trust him. . . or because I was beginning to trust him too much, and it was scaring me.

Ignoring the blank look on my face, Aaron pulled out the piece of Styrofoam board he had brought, followed closely by the glue and scissors and pins. I flinched when I thought about how it would feel to be the butterfly, and suddenly I wasn't sure if I really wanted to do this or not.

"Should we get started?" he whispered, not wanting to wake my father.

I wanted to laugh. He was playing dumb.

"I've got to throw this bottle away first," I said.

Aaron shrugged and nodded. Man I almost wanted him to react by that time. I was so used to watching my childhood friend's faces change. I was so used to them telling me that after they came over their parents didn't think it was a good idea that they spent time with me anymore. Just being in our house, breathing in the stale air was a bad influence. I was so used to it that I almost felt comforted knowing that the people I cared about would continually come and go out of my life like an audition.

Aaron followed me into my bedroom and I shut the door, my mouth gaping open. I didn't know what to say to him.

"So," I said.

"So I saw a couple of cocoons on the way over. I'm thinking we could start by the creek and work our way back-"

Tell me this is going to change things, I thought, seething, Tell me I'm going to lose you.

"Doesn't it freak you out?" I asked, cutting him off mid-sentence.

"What?"

"My dad passed out drunk."

Aaron shrugged, "Um. . . we're making a butterfly collection."

Now I was the one who was blushing. I was so used to guarding my secret. It had never occured to me that there was absolutely no reason to guard it, that it wasn't me. And all the kids and parents who had ever told me otherwise were hypocrites.

I sat down on my bed. "Yeah, we are. But. . ."

What could I have said? There was Aaron, who suddenly looked exactly like what he was: a thirteen year old boy genius talking about how the monarch butterflies were coming through this time of year on their way to Mexico. Not only did my problems not bother Aaron, they didn't exist to him.

I felt my face burning, and when he sat down next to me on the bed and asked me what was wrong I couldn't look at him. It was at that moment that I realized I could count on Aaron to show me the bigger picture, show me what really matters and what doesn't. I felt relieved that I had him now, because I had never been able to make the distinction before.

"Let's just go to the creek," I mumbled.

"We don't have to."

"I want to," I said fiercely.

-

A few days after we made the butterfly collection, Aaron kissed me. It was my first kiss. We were up in his bedroom waiting for the eclipse on a school night.

"I can see the Andromeda Galaxy!" he said, adjusting the telescope.

I watched him hurry around the device, focusing and flicking the features, trying to catch the image like a cricket.

Aaron's parents were wealthy but modest about it, and the only expensive thing that he owned was the telescope. It was very powerful and scientific and confusing to me. In fact it was so over my head that I didn't even understand it all the times he tried to explain how it worked, the images bouncing off the mirrors like ping-pong balls, somehow shooting the picture up the eyepiece.

I shoved him out of the way. "Let me look!"

"Fine! Gosh," he sighed.

Aaron always let me look through the telescope first.

I grinned, seeing the faint cluster of stars like the freckles on a tiger lily. I could not begin to imagine how many miles away it was. And when I pulled my eye away from the tube, he was right there.

I could feel Aaron shaking. I could feel how dry his mouth was as our lips touched. Neither of us had any idea of what to do, and my brain was spinning trying to remember the movies I'd seen and the tips that Lily had taught me over the years.

We stayed like that for a second, our eyes open and staring at each other across the bridges of our noses. Brown on Gray. It was awkward, but then he shifted and I felt his lips open up soft like a skirt. And we were kissing, the earth eclipsing the moon. I wrapped my arms around him, and I felt that I loved him, just like I felt that I loved him that day in the planetarium. It was something that was real and strong and scary. It was so scary I couldn't hold on to it, and I broke away.

"Raina," he said, his eyes wide behind his glasses.

Aaron looked scared. It was the first time that I had ever seen him afraid of anything, and I knew that it was me he was afraid of.

"I'm sorry. I've gotta go home."

"The eclipse-"

"Tell me about it tomorrow," I smiled.

I ran all the way home and didn't dare look up at the sky out of fear of seeing something I wasn't supposed to see yet.

-

For the rest of that school year and the summer that followed, we held hands while Lily rolled her eyes at the pool. We ate snowcones in our bare feet and wasted whole afternoons in the arcade. The days were long, and we were bored waiting for school to start.

"Are you together?" Lily kept asking me.

"I don't know. We don't talk about stuff like that," I would shrug.

And we hadn't. We never once tried to put a definition to us. We were just Raina and Aaron.

At night he told me about the constellations and their stories, about Andromeda who was so beautiful the gods were jealous, how out of fear her parents tied her to a rock as a sacrifice to a sea monster, about Perseous who saved her at the last minute and fell in love with her, about the Seven Sisters, the Pleiades, who were turned into doves by Zeus. I listened. We laughed at the stories because they were so silly, and I wondered how anyone could have had the time to make them up. But I always thought about them anyway when I found their constellations, and I figured that the ancient people did it so that they would never lose sight of that cluster of stars again. When you bring history into something, when you give it a story and a face, that's the only time it's really real.

It was amazing the affect that Aaron's presence had on my life. My father liked Aaron, and I noticed he stopped drinking for weeks at a time while we were together. Aaron would knock on our front door after my father came home from the car garage where he worked, and they would debate everything from evolution to politics while I sat smirking in the corner, taking Aaron's side without question. I couldn't stop thinking about how good this felt. I had a family with Aaron, finally. A real family. My father actually noticed me when Aaron was around, he actually asked me how my day was, he hung up my A Plus tests on the doors of the refrigerator. I could fix my father and myself and maybe even the memory of my mother, as long as Aaron was with me.

"What do you think about this one?" I asked, holding up a dress with the tag still hanging off it.

"Why does it matter what you wear? It's the first day."

"Of seventh grade. That's big. Sixth grade was just a test, but now we're really in junior high," I sighed.

It was a boiling hot day at the end of August, and I could hear the insects humming through the walls of the house. Aaron was quiet on my bed thumbing through a magazine.

"You ever been to North Dakota?" he asked out of no where.

"No. Why?"

I saw him shrug in the reflection of my closet mirror. "I've heard it's so cold in winter there that people can die just going outside. Like. . . your lungs freeze."

"That's not possible. Your body temperature is too high."

"No, it can happen," Aaron said, and his eyes were worried.

It wasn't like Aaron to believe something so far-fetched. He liked facts, he liked algebra and science. Being afraid that your lungs would freeze was the sort of stupid fear that only I would have. But I was too busy searching for barrettes in my vanity drawer to realize what he was getting at.

"Raina, I'm going to be there this winter."

"How come?" I asked, feeling heat creep into my cheeks.

I knew even before I asked that Aaron would not be enrolling at Robert E. Lee Junior High the next year for seventh grade. His father had gotten a better job in North Dakota, a place so far away from Georgia it felt like the Andromeda Galaxy.

I had never been north, but my father had been born in Minnesota. All the time he talked about how much he missed it, the blizzards I had never seen and the snow reaching up to second floor windows. It sounded scary, and I was glad he had moved. I asked him why once, and when he told me the answer I felt stupid for not guessing it in the first place. My mother had lived in Georgia, and he had stayed here for her in a world without the snow he loved so much. It was that kind of love for someone else that I had yet to feel, and I wished I could follow Aaron to North Dakota.

I cried when he left, and I smelled Kool-Aid and laundry detergent in the fabric of his shirt. He patted the back of my head, scared to pull me into his arms and cling to me the way I clung to him.

"I'll come back," he said, "Soon. I'll bring back some snow in a freezer."

But that was five years ago, and I had not heard from Aaron since. Not one phone call, not one letter. After he left with his parents things went back to normal for me. Once again I was a ghost in my father's house, watching him drink himself into the memory of my mother. I started to think that maybe I had made Aaron up, but every time I thought that the first thing that came into my mind was always that day with the butterfly collection, the first time he showed me what mattered. Wherever he was now, I knew he couldn't make that distinction for me anymore. At eighteen I was on my own.

Prologue

Mon, 16 Oct 2006 01:24:02 GMT

Part I: Something Like Love

"When down her weedy trophies and herself fell in the weeping brook. . .
which time she chanted snatches of old tunes,
as one incapable of her own distress. . .
but long it could not be till that her garments, heavy with their drink,
pulled the poor wretch from her melodious lay to muddy death." -
Shakespeare (Ophelia's death)

I could smell sweat and gasoline, the road whirring out under the tires. My hometown was blurring past, every street and store I knew like the back of my hand, how different they looked at twenty over the speed limit. Pressing my foot into the gas pedal, I heard the old engine groan in reply as the wheels sped up even more. How fast I was going, I didn't know. The speedometer in the car didn't work very well, along with the radio and the air-conditioning, both of which we had attempted to replace at least twice before finding we didn't have the money.

Blond strands of my hair were in my face and the wind was in my mouth. The wind tasted like metal and salt. It was mixing with the blood on my lip from where he had slapped me, his ring slicing the papery flesh like an X-Acto knife. Hair flew into the cut- aggravating it, preventing it from scabbing. It had been almost thirty minutes, but the blood wouldn't stop.

I kept hearing his voice in my head telling me to turn around, go back to the tiny apartment that we shared on Gray Street. I was making a big deal of it by running away, when it wasn't a big deal. It never was. He would tell me he was sorry, and I might just end up saying it too depending on how sad his eyes looked. And then we would clean up the mess together like we always did before renting a movie, something I'd been wanting to see because it's all about me, he would say. It was always "all about me" just after he'd hurt me, when suddenly out of no where, what I wanted mattered so much to him.

This voice I was hearing was not the voice that called me stupid and worthless as he punched me over and over. It was the other voice; the sweet voice that told me I was the girl I'd always wanted to be. . . the girl he drew in his sketchbook when I wasn't watching. . . pretty, bent over flowers soaked in sunshine with just a shadow of a smile on her lips, like the Mona Lisa. She was the girl I believed he could create and the one that I had been staying around for all these months. Everything was possible with that girl. Even something like love.

I held my finger to my mouth and felt sticky wet warmth pooling beneath my lower lip. I sucked the blood back into my throat before it could dribble down my chin. It hurt so much. Everything did. Now that I had left and could think, the numbness had worn off as I realized that this had actually happened; he had really done this to me.

In his band he sometimes played covers of songs everyone knew, and that's what this night was. A cover. It was an unfamiliar voice, a new guitar riff or two, but those very same unaltered lyrics leading you back anyway, a common ground. It always took people a few seconds to realize that they already knew how to sing along, because the core of the song was something they had already heard. In the same way, my life, this had all happened before: his eyes black as the pavement I could hear under the tires, the tar bubbling in the Georgia sun. When we went to the shows and I watched him play, the core of those songs had been the lyrics. But the core of my life was Nathan.